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It wasn’t something anybody expected to happen. She couldn’t just be…gone. Sol didn’t know how to feel as they watched the compactor glow, taking Tammy’s body away from the world. She was only 12, and yet… How could someone so young, so joyful just be gone?
Sol stood next to their parents as the funeral concluded. Their heart ached as the colony mourned their friend, but what hurt the most were the heart wrenching cries that came from Uncle Tonin and Cal.
Uncle Tonin had to go through his wife’s death so long ago, but at least then he had a healthy baby girl to go home to. Now… Sol didn’t know how he would get through this.
And Cal…
It hurt Sol to look at him. The tears on his cheeks had seemingly been endless, the stains so clear as if they were permanent fixtures on his face. Tammy had been his best friend practically since birth. They both had such kind and loving personalities that drove the two together, and what they each lacked, they made up for in each other, bringing them even closer together. Where one was, the other was close behind. Two halves of a whole. A princess and her knight.
Sol knew that Tammy’s absence would be noticeable, but for Cal, they knew it would be as though a piece of him was gone.
Sol felt horrid as they bit the inside of their cheek. They had been the last person to see Tammy, they were sure of it. Were they the reason Tammy was gone? Tears sprung at their eyes at the thought. Could they have done something to save her? To prevent the tears? Sol clenched their fists and shook their head. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking like that, not when there was so much hurting around them. They looked at Cal and Uncle Tonin embracing each other as their mother went to retrieve Tammy’s ashes.
Sol bit their lip, lost in thought. They felt compelled to do something. They didn’t know what, but they felt action needed to be taken. Watching their mom gather Tammy’s ashes into a small jar gave them an idea. Eudicot said something about returning her to the planet…
They quickly went over to their mother and tapped her on the arm. Flulu looked over with an eyebrow raised, clearly confused as to why her kid was interrupting an important process. “Sol, what are you doing?”
Sol stood up on their toes to try to whisper, so Flulu bent down to listen. As Sol told her their idea, Flulu’s eyebrows shot up. When Sol pulled away, they looked at their mom’s reaction, and Flulu smiled with fondness and approval. “I think that’s a nice idea, kid. But, I need to check with Tonin, okay?” Sol nodded. Flulu passed Tammy’s ashes to Geranium and walked over to Cal and Uncle Tonin with Sol.
The two were trying to stop their tears as other colonists gave their condolences. They waited to approach until the crowd died down.
Flulu went to Tonin to give him a slight hug and began whispering to the man, but Sol stayed put, looking at Cal. “Hey, Sol,” Cal sniffled, wiping at his eyes as his friend approached. Sol stepped forward to give him a wordless hug. A hug from a friend felt different than the hugs from adults, Sol knew that, so when Cal’s arms tightened around them and his head got buried in their shoulder, they just held him tighter. When they broke apart, Cal gave them a watery smile. “Thanks, Sol.”
“Of course.” Sol held his hand and reached for Uncle Tonin’s as well. “If you’re both up for it, I would like to show you guys something.” Cal tilted his head in confusion while Tonin looked between the mother and child with a watery smile and a nod.
“Um, sure.”
Sol led the two out of Command and surprised them by heading toward Geoponics. Sol guided them through the domes into the garden that their mom had begun planting at the start of the year. All around them were beautiful flowers and plants, both Earthen and Vertumnan.
Standing along the path was Geranium next to a small, empty patch of dirt. Sol pulled Uncle Tonin and Cal along the path, only letting go of their hands when they reached their father, their mother joining his side. They knelt down in front of the dirt and cleared out a small divot. Cal and Uncle Tonin took a sharp breath as Flulu handed Sol Tammy’s ashes. Despite having known that Tammy’s ashes would be used in the soil to help sustain the colony, it didn’t make it easier to watch. Sol carefully opened the jar and gently spread the ashes across the area. Then Geranium traded with Sol, the jar for a few seeds and a watering can. Sol dropped the seeds into the dirt, buried them in the solid and ash, and watered it.
Having finished their task, Sol stood up and turned to their audience. Cal and Uncle Tonin looked both hurt and confused, despite Tonin agreeing to the idea beforehand. “I asked Mom if it was okay to plant some flowers here. I wanted something to represent Tammy.”
“The seeds were for convallaria flowers, or lily of the valley,” Geranium said, putting a hand on Sol’s shoulder. “They represent joy, purity, innocence, and happiness. But they can also mean pain and loss.”
“I thought that since Tammy’s ashes were going to be spread anyway, it would be better for her to grow something nice and pretty instead of random crops. No offense, Mom.” Flulu smirked and ruffled Sol’s hair.
Uncle Tonin stepped forward with a watery but genuine smile on his face. “Thank you, Sol. That’s incredibly thoughtful of you.”
Cal nodded, and though tears began rolling down his cheeks again, he jumped at Sol to give them another hug. This time, Uncle Tonin joined in, squeezing the two children tight.
In that moment, Sol made a vow to themself: they would be there for Cal and Uncle Tonin in Tammy’s place. They felt at fault that Tammy died, that they could have prevented this. They were determined to make sure that Cal and Uncle Tonin would be okay.
~~~~~
It hurt.
That was all they could say. On top of everything, how could the universe take her away? Their mom was meant to be the strongest woman ever. The person who fought the most to keep everyone alive.
But it wasn’t enough. She gave her life, but it still wasn’t enough.
Nothing came out of Sol. They stood rigid, their eyes dry but dull as the compactor door shut on their mother’s body. Their father stood next to them, keeping a hand on their shoulder to keep them both grounded. Geranium had a hard time keeping his spirit up, Sol could tell by the haggard breathing and sniffing.
Their father hadn’t stopped crying since he had found their mom’s body. His scream would be forever ingrained in their mind. It had echoed throughout Geoponics, and whenever Sol would try to think about their mom, the only thing that came to mind was that heartbreaking scream and the image of their mother lying limp in their father’s arms. They couldn’t remember their mother’s stern words, or the joyful smile she had when her father made a joke or corny nickname. Only that sad image of their mother’s lifeless body.
The world felt gray. Everything was moving around them and Sol didn’t feel connected to any of it. They barely registered Eudicot’s words or all the condolences. They could just barely feel their father’s hand leave as he went to retrieve his wife’s ashes, his cries filling the room. It was the only noise that filled their ears.
They couldn’t take it.
Sol ran for it. They tore out of Command, rushing past anyone who tried to talk to them. The famine had certainly taken its toll on their body, but they kept running and didn’t stop as they burst through the doors of Geoponics. The domes were empty, as everyone in Geoponics considered Flulu family. No one was going to miss her funeral.
Sol finally stopped when they stumbled in the garden. The last living remnants of their mother. They collapsed to their knees in front of the patch of white asteria flowers. Their lips trembled as they crawled toward the flowers. They lifted a shaky hand to cup the soft white petals.
The memory of their mother showing them the flowers on their birthday a couple years ago resurfaced, pulling forward every feeling that had been buried. “Oh Mom…” Every stern order. Every warm hug. Every single damn thing she ever did. Everything came crashing down on Sol at once.
A scream ripped through their throat. The anguish they felt was unlike anything they had ever felt before and they couldn’t control it. It was hard to breathe through the loud, hoarse sobs that escaped them. Wiping at their face was pointless as the tears kept coming. Sol clutched at their shirt, trying to ground themself but it was useless. They felt trapped in this spiral of despair.
Until a gentle callused hand touched their shoulder.
Sol lifted their head, their vision blurred from the tears. Though it was hard to see or concentrate due to their hyperventilation, the blur of green hair and clothes was unmistakable.
Cal.
Cal said nothing as he pulled Sol to his chest. He wrapped his arms around them, practically pulling them to his lap, cradling their head over his heart. With one arm firmly across their back and his gentle fingers threaded through their hair, Cal made no other move to stop their friend’s crying.
Though their crying halted for a moment to be taken into Cal’s arms, the safety of his presence allowed them to continue their agony. Cal made no sound, no “shushing” or affirmations. He just let them sob, knowing that they needed to let it out. They had been silent for hours, it was only a matter of time before they blew. Sol felt grateful for the solid presence, their hands clutching onto Cal’s shirt and arms, a stronger force grounding them better than they could have on their own.
The two teenagers sat there on the ground for who knows how long, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered to Sol at that moment except the comfort they felt as they slowly but surely calmed down. Cal took deep breaths to steady his heartbeat, a guide for Sol to follow as they attempted to calm down. Sol felt his fingers thread gently back and forth through their hair, the motion adding to the comfort he was providing.
Sol hiccupped as they finally lifted their head, their grip on Cal’s shirt finally loosening. Sol’s vision was finally clear enough that they could see the green of Cal’s eyes. They looked like the sea, swirling with different emotions as they peered at them. Sympathy. Sadness. Understanding. Kindness. Care. Sol’s heart soared, knowing that he cared that much.
Cal raised his hand to wipe at the leftover tears on Sol’s cheeks, his eyes scanning over their face. “Hey, Sol,” he said, keeping his voice soft and low.
Sol couldn’t help it. A single, small laugh escaped them. It was very much like Cal to greet them so casually, even when they were kneeling in the dirt, looking like a mess. “Hey.”
Sol was expecting him to ask them if they were alright or say that everything would be okay. But instead he said, “The flowers are beautiful, aren’t they?”
Sol turned around in his arms to look at the asterias again again. He was right. Despite the somber air, the white flowers stood tall, some of them bunched up, others intertwined together, and some standing by themselves. Flulu had always made sure to take special care of her flowers, and when she couldn’t find the time, Geranium and Sol would gladly take it up for her. Now it seemed that job would now permanently belong to them. “Yeah,” they whispered.
Cal ran a warm comforting hand across their back. “But I bet they could be even more beautiful.”
Sol gave him a confused look with furrowed eyebrows. Cal reached behind him and pulled an object forward. Sol’s hands flew over their mouth as Cal presented them with a jar. Their mother’s ashes. “Oh, Cal…”
“I think she’d like to rest here, wouldn’t you say?”
Sol carefully took the jar with a nod and held it to their chest. They then let out a gasp and started squirming to stand up. “Wait, Dad, he should-”
Cal gently took Sol’s hands in his. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I already asked him, and he’s been here the whole time. It’s okay.”
Sol’s eyebrows shot up. They started looking around for him, but the said man was nowhere to be seen.
“He’s been outside,” Cal answered their silent question. “He…didn’t know how to approach you after everything.”
“So here you are,” Sol said, a sweet smile gracing their face.
Cal gladly returned it. “Here I am.” He used a gentle hand to move Sol’s hair out of their eyes. “Shall we?”
Sol nodded. They turned back to the flowers, unscrewing the lid on the jar. Cal took the lid from them and Sol leaned forward, gently pouring the ashes around the flowers. After putting the jar down, Sol carefully dragged their fingers across the soil, mixing the dirt and ash together, letting their mother rest in her favorite flowers.
They leaned back, resting against Cal’s chest as they just stared at the flowers. As sad and hurt as they were, this felt so intimate and appropriate. A proper farewell that they never got to say before. “Goodnight, Mom,” Sol whispered.
~~~~~
They didn’t think they’d feel this numb so soon. Sol sat on a bench across from the same bed of white asteria flowers they had years before. It had only been three years since they had laid their mom to rest here, and they had just done the same for their father. It was far too soon.
Sol didn’t flinch or move when they felt a presence sit down next to them. A calloused hand came into their view as it covered their own holding onto the empty jar.
“Sol?” Cal’s voice sounded almost distant even though he was right next to them.
Sol made a vague hum in response. Everything seemed to be in slow motion and distant to them, nothing felt real.
Cal shifted slightly. He fully took one of Sol’s hands into his own and bent down to try to catch Sol’s eye. “Sol?” he tried again. Sol’s gaze finally moved to look at Cal, and they only could guess how devoid of life they looked to him. “Let’s go take a walk, okay?” Sol nodded mutely. They let Cal pull them up and lead them through the path of the garden, but they kept their gaze at their shoes. Cal took care to make sure they didn’t walk into anything as he led them to some unknown destination.
Sol’s feet dragged across the paved dirt as the two made their way through the garden, though Sol hardly noticed. Nothing felt real anymore. Their movement felt robotic yet sluggish. It wasn’t the first time they dealt with death. Tammy, Uncle Tonin, Kom, Governor Eudicot, so many had died already. Losing their mom tore a hole in their heart. It had been far too soon for her to be gone, especially since they wouldn’t be here without her. She’d never get to see the fruits of her labor. But at least then they had the comfort of their father to fill that gap. But now…now they were on their own. An orphan before the age of 18. There would be no more grand hugs in the morning. No more cheesy nicknames. No more him.
What had been a small hole in their heart that had scarred over was now a gaping abyss in their chest. What would they do now?
Sol was startled out of their thoughts when they accidentally hit something kind of hard. They looked up and blinked, remembering that Cal was with them. They hadn’t even realized he stopped.
He was looking at them with a familiar sadness. It was the same look he gave them years prior when their mother died. He gently pried the hand he was holding open, threading his fingers with theirs and holding firmly. Cal’s hand felt warm in their own as they were finally able to focus back in reality. His thumb ran across their knuckles as he continued to walk them through the colony. They made their way from Geoponics and even the buildings in general. He led them toward the gates of the colony, which caused Sol to be thoroughly confused. Since when did Cal leave the colony?
Cal quickly checked in and signed out with Utopia before taking Sol’s hand again. Utopia shot the kids a sorry look as she waved them off. She had attended the funeral, but just as always, life must go on. It was a wonder that they were being allowed after dark anyway. Cal kept them on a clearly lit path near the wall, heading toward a series of small hills and mushtree forests. He took them through the foliage to finally end their walk at a beautiful clearing in between the trees. Beautiful flowers lined the clearing, the grass was short but soft, it was a space surrounded by and created by nature.
Sol couldn’t help it. They thought that their parents would have loved it.
Cal gave their hand a gentle tug. “C’mon.” Sol looked up at him, giving him a small nod.
He walked them toward the center of the clearing and sat down, pulling Sol down to sit in between his legs. Over the years, the two had grown closer, so much so that this kind of close contact felt normal. That didn’t mean it didn’t cause their heart to flutter slightly.
Cal pulled them to his chest, leaning his head on their shoulder. Sol turned their head to look at him, but Cal’s hand came up to their chin. “Look up,” he whispered and tilted their chin upward.
Their eyes widened as they gazed upon the sky. The fading sunset made a gradient into the inky Vertumnan sky. Each star twinkled back at them. The sky was almost always able to be seen from anywhere in the colony, but here…this was the clearest they had ever seen the sky. It was beautiful.
“Dys showed me this spot not too long ago. I’d been wanting to show you for a while now. I thought…maybe now would be an appropriate time.”
“It’s gorgeous…” Sol whispered. But the timing still confused them. “But why?”
Cal’s hold on them tightened slightly. “Whenever someone dies, their bodies are returned to the earth. That’s how we continue our cycle of life. But I firmly believe that their souls live on around us. I believe that every single person we’ve lost is up there, looking down at us. And your father…well, his star is up there next to your mother’s. He’ll live on forever with her up there, looking after you and loving you, just as they always have.”
The feeling of numbness faded away. Instead, a weighted feeling of heartbreak took its place. Tears finally sprung at their eyes. “I wish they could do that down here though.”
“I know.” Cal turned Sol around, pulling their head to his chest, just as he had done years prior. He ran a comforting hand across their arm. “I know.”
“Why did they have to go?” Sol cried, their tears finally falling free. “Why couldn’t they stay just a little longer?” Cal didn’t respond, he just held them tighter. Their sobs echoed through the area, their anguish being the only emotion they could feel. “Why did it have to be them? Why couldn’t it have been me?” Sol asked through broken breaths.
Cal pulled back slightly to wipe at their eyes. “Because they wanted you to live. Everything they did was for you. I highly doubt they wanted to leave you, but I know for a fact that they’d rather it have been them instead of you. Because they loved you, and still do. You were their entire world.” Cal cupped Sol’s face in his hands. “And they are still here. They’ll live on in the stars. In the garden that they cherished so much. In here.” Cal slid a hand down to rest on Sol’s chest, right over their heart. “I promise you, their love for you is still alive. And it’s not going anywhere.”
Sol sniffed and leaned into Cal’s hand. They brought a hand up to hold his, looking up at him with unshed tears but felt the hole in their heart filling with love. “How did you get so good at this?” they asked, their voice rough.
Cal smiled at them. Despite being 18, it still held a boyish charm to it. “I learned from the best,” he said, moving Sol’s bangs out of their eyes.
Sol scoffed and hit Cal’s chest lightly. “I’m hardly the best.” They laughed slightly, but it held a bittersweet tone. “I promised myself when Tammy died I would be there for you in her stead. But look at us now, you’re the one being there for me.”
Cal’s smile dropped as he moved to hold Sol tightly but making sure they were looking him in the eyes. “Don’t say that. Sol, I wouldn’t have been able to move on from her death if it wasn’t for you. You have done so much for me over the years, I can’t even list them all. Covering for me with Socks, mediating between me and Anemone, patching me up after fighting with Vace, you’ve been there for me my entire life. If anything, I’m just barely scratching the surface of returning the favor.” Cal’s eyes trailed across Sol’s face for a moment. Then he gently took one of Sol’s hands in his, bringing it up to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss on their palm. “I just hope you’ll still be by my side when we head back to work.”
The thought completely slipped Sol’s mind. With both of their parent’s gone, the two of them were most likely to be elected the new heads of Geoponics, both in farming and chemical studies. The thought made their heart ache. “How are we ever going to pull it off?” Sol asked, looking down at Cal’s chest.
Cal moved his hand from Sol’s cheek to their chin, tilting it up to look them directly in the eyes. Sol felt entranced by the sea green irises looking back at them. They held such an intensity in them that had Sol’s thoughts halting.
“We can do it. Sol, we learned practically everything there is to know about Geoponics first hand from your parents. Although it’s probably sooner than they planned, they’d been preparing us for this, to take over one day.” Cal gently ran his thumb back and forth along Sol’s chin, the tip nearly brushing against Sol’s bottom lip with each movement. “With you by my side, I feel as though I can do anything.”
Sol felt their chest tighten, as if they could physically feel the hole in their heart fill. Cal’s words filled them with warmth and love, but also fear. They brought their hands up to Cal’s neck, playing with his dreads as they pulled him closer, leaning their forehead to his.
“Don’t leave me,” they whispered, pleading. “Please.”
“Sol, we both know that I can’t promise to never leave, not with the way this planet is.” Sol took a tentative breath, his words making sense, no matter if they hurt slightly. They knew the reality of it all, and knew their request was a bit juvenile, but… “But I can damn well try.”
There was no time to think before Cal’s lips claimed Sol’s. The kiss was everything Cal was. Strong yet gentle. Powerful and passionate. Cal poured every part of himself into the kiss, and Sol tried to do the same. They held him tighter as they kissed back with just as much fervor.
Cal broke off the kiss to whisper against Sol’s lips, “This is my promise to you. I promise to do my best by you. And to try my hardest to never leave you alone.”