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This might be our last chance to share a kiss.
Astarion hadn't questioned that subtle request from Gale. It was like him to say something that sweet just before they faced their almost certain deaths… And Astarion was more than happy to oblige.
He only realized that something was wrong when they were already there, looking up at the Netherbrain, long past the point of no return. There was no time left for any of them to hesitate, and yet, Gale stood still and awfully quiet.
"What is the matter?" asked Astarion.
Gale didn't respond. He stared at the Netherbrain with his brow furrowed, seeming deep in thought. Something about it, however, worried Astarion.
"I don't care for that look on your face," he said. "What are you thinking?"
Gale looked at him, serious. "I can end all this by myself."
Suddenly, Astarion knew what he had in mind — an idea he believed Gale had abandoned a long time before.
"Gale, no."
"Enough people have died," said Gale. "I'm not risking your life too."
Something seemed to twist inside Astarion's chest. He stepped closer to Gale, reaching toward him. "Don't you dare—"
"I'm sorry."
Just as Astarion's hand closed around Gale's, it slipped from his grasp. One second, Astarion was there, by his side — the next, he was on the ground, looking at the Netherbrain from far below. A cold feeling rushed throughout his entire body.
"Gale!"
That foolish wizard was really planning to… Hells, he had to find a way back to him… He had to—
A blinding flash of light covered the sky. The explosion brought down the Netherbrain, and for a long time, all they could do was watch their foe fall. A sharp pain took Astarion's head, followed by a silence so deep it was almost unsettling. The tadpoles were gone, which meant…
"He is gone," Lae'zel muttered.
He couldn't tell if she meant Gale or the absolute, and it didn't matter. No, Gale couldn't have done something like that… There had to be a plan. He was annoyingly smart, wasn't he? So he must have had some trick upon his sleeve… Anything.
"He didn't need to go this far," muttered Wyll. "I would have fought to the very end by his side."
"It was still a brave sacrifice," said Lae'zel. "One we must not forget."
Those words shattered whatever hopes Astarion still had. Shadowheart sighed, lowering her eyes.
"I thought our victory would feel better," she said.
"Yeah…" Karlach agreed. "This 'victory' feels like shit, man…"
She let out a grunt of pain, bracing her chest.
"Karlach!"
Wyll rushed to her side. Part of Astarion wanted to do the same, but he couldn't bring himself to move. Both his body and mind felt numb, struggling to function.
Gale was gone… Truly gone. No silly riddles would bring him back this time. He was gone. With the absolute and that cursed orb. Gone.
It was hard to believe it. They had been together just a moment before, getting their hopes up to face that final battle, sharing a kiss because it could very well be their last…
A cold feeling ran through Astarion's body. Could it be… that was what he meant when he asked for that kiss? Even at that moment, had he already decided that he would go through with it on his own way?
That selfish bastard… Astarion had told him not to take that easy way out. He had asked him to… Had trusted him to keep his word. So, how could he… How could he do something like that to him…?
"Astarion…" He heard Shadowheart's voice next to him. "Are you—"
Before she could finish that question, a burning feeling on Astarion's skin made him cry out in pain. The sun was rising… It seemed his time living under it had finally ended.
"Hells…!" Shadowheart yelled. "Come! We need to get you inside!"
Shadowheart threw her cloak over Astarion, then she and Lae'zel hastily guided him to the nearest building.
After that, it all happened too quickly for him to follow. Wyll and Karlach rushed to Avernus without the chance to say goodbye, and Lae'zel departed on her own journey to dethrone Vlaakith in Orpheus' name. Later, Halsin, Jaheira, and Minsc left as well, with their own goals in mind after that long battle. Tara spent some time with them, then left to give Gale's mother the horrible news. Soon, he and Shadowheart were the only ones left, sharing a bedroom for the night in that inn — one of the few that were still standing. They didn't talk much, which allowed Astarion to sink completely into his thoughts.
Damn Mystra… She could have taken that thing out of him before it came to that point. She was a goddess, so she could have done something. Gods, he should have done something. Astarion should have known that someone as stubborn as Gale wouldn't have given up on that suicidal plan so easily.
Astarion couldn't rest that night, his mind refusing to stop wondering for a single second what he should have done differently. He had told Gale that he had feelings for him, that he shouldn't sacrifice himself for Mystra's forgiveness, that he deserved to live free from that cruel goddess. He had opened up to him in a way he never did to anyone else… Trusted him like he never could trust before. He had said clearly that Gale was the one person he cared about the most in the world. Was it not enough for Gale to understand what it meant? How much he meant to him?
I'm not risking your life too.
Those words felt heavy inside his chest. Was their bond the actual reason why he died? Was that why Gale felt that he had to save him? If so, then… Hells, if he had just kept his mouth shut and treated it all as the temporary, shallow thing it was supposed to be, then maybe…
Astarion shut his eyes, lowering his face into his hands. Damn, it hurt… If that was how things were going to feel from then on, then he would rather have died in that battle than survived alone.
"How are you doing?"
Shadowheart's voice made him raise his head, looking at her. Astarion managed a faint smile.
"Quite well, given the circumstances."
He hated how his voice betrayed his true feelings. Shadowheart approached him, sitting on the bed by his side. She quietly observed his face for a moment, finally speaking in a low voice.
"What are you planning to do now?"
The question filled his mouth with a bitter taste. All the plans he had made for the slight possibility that they survived that battle involved Gale. And now that he was gone, it was like he took it all with him.
"Maybe go to the Underdark," he said, finally. "Face the consequences of my choices. All seven thousand of them."
He tried to force a laugh, but it sounded hollow. With nothing else to say, Astarion almost returned the question to her, but stopped himself, not wanting to hear about her plans to leave — it would be too much at that moment.
Instead, they stayed like that for a long while, in an almost comforting silence. That quiet understanding was bittersweet: he hated to seem weak in front of others, but knew it would be much harder if she hadn't stayed by his side.
"Strange…" said Astarion, finally. "I thought freedom would feel sweeter. But now… I don't feel like any of it really matters."
Astarion's throat closed as he spoke, his next words sounding so weak he could barely recognize his own voice.
"I miss him."
Saying those words made Astarion's vision go blurry with tears, and he covered his eyes with a hand, unable to hold back a small sob. Shadowheart hesitated briefly, then placed her arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer.
"Me too," she muttered.
Astarion hadn't allowed anyone but Gale to get so close to him, but he didn't try to move away from her — instead, he held her tightly as well, in a desperate attempt to make it all a little more bearable. In the end, that was all they could do for each other.
But the pain didn't go away, and part of him wondered if it ever would. Either way, it was already too late… And if Astarion knew that was how things would end, he would never have allowed himself to hope for something better.