Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jason bit back a groan as pain shot through his fingers. The Lazarus-healed bones always hurt worse as the weather turned cold, and with rain in the forecast,  they were aching more than usual. He resolved to soak them in warm water once patrol was done. For now, he gripped his guns a little tighter as he jumped off the roof.

Jason's leg buckled as he landed. His knee felt like it popped out of place, causing him to stumble and fall to his knees. Spoiler was back by his side in a second. "Hood! You okay?"

He gently shrugged her off. "Missed-timed my landing, Narrows. I'll be fine."

He hid his limp for the rest of the patrol.

Jason growled in frustration as he ripped open cabinets searching for his phone. He swore he just had it in his hands. It wasn't on any counter in the living room, not in the bathroom, and not in his bedroom. He had no idea how he had lost track of it so completely.

A muted ring came from the fridge. Jason slowly turned and stared at the appliance, then rushed over as a ring sounded again. His phone sat innocently on the shelf next to the eggs, the call screen showing Dick's name. Jason answered with a muted hello, barely hearing Dick's response as he stared at the fridge.

Jason rubbed his eyes in frustration as he sat at the batcomputer. He had been going over the same report for an hour now, but he couldn't seem to finish it. Every time he tried, he zoned out and lost time. He knew he wasn't getting as much sleep as he should be, but this was just ridiculous. He grumbled as he made his way over to Tim's secret coffee machine and poured himself another cup. 

It wasn't just tonight either. Lately he had been having trouble focusing on several activities like research or reading. His brain just seemed to wander off without his permission. Maybe the Pit had ignited some latent ADHD in him. He filed that away to talk to Dr. Thompkins about and sat back down at the computer.

Jason hissed as he redid the bandage on his calf. The knife wound should have healed by now. It was a couple of days old, and the increased healing from the Pit should have taken care of the shallow cut. But it had stubbornly refused to go away. So Jason just sighed and wrapped it in another bandage.

He knew Cass didn't mean to hurt him. But that didn't stop her hit to his chest from feeling like all his ribs shifted out of place. He grunted as he fell to the training mat, quickly tapping out before she could make another move. She hovered over him nervously, signing repeatedly how sorry she was. Jason sat back against the wall, a hand wrapped around his middle, "It's alright Cass. We all get carried away at some point or another."

She glared at him. But I don't, she signed to him.

He offered her a smile. "Accidents happen. I'll be fine just as soon as I can breathe again. Then I'm going to put you on the floor."

She narrowed her eyes, then sat next to him. She leaned against him and whispered, "There. On the floor." 

Jason huffed a laugh as he draped an arm around her.

Jason jumped when someone banged on his door. He tried to remember what he was doing, but it slipped from his mind as he stood and made his way over. Peeping through the pinhole, he groaned as he pulled open the door to a grinning Roy Harper. Roy's smile fell as he took in Jason's appearance though, "Is that what you are wearing?"

Jason glanced down at the ratty sweatpants he threw on after patrol the night before and the stained t-shirt. "Um, wearing for what?"

Roy let out a long put-out sigh, "Our date? The one we have been planning for weeks? The one where I had to beg Oliver to baby-sit Lian and took a Zeta tube across the country for?"

Jason hid his face in his hands, "I'm so sorry, Roy. It completely slipped my mind!"

Roy let out a chuckle and kissed the top of Jason's head. "Go take a shower you idiot. I'll call and change our reservation." He gave Jason a genuine smile. "You know I prefer street food to fancy restaurants any day."

Jason barely heard Tim enter the room as he stared frustrated at the disassembled gun on the coffee table. This wasn't his first time taking apart this gun, so.... why was he having such a hard time putting it back together? He usually is able to visualize all the pieces in his head, rotating them until they fit. But today he was struggling even imagining what the gun looked like. He reached for his coffee, only to find the mug had disappeared. 

Tim stood beside him holding the cup out of reach. "Replacement," Jason grumbled, "give it back."

Tim took a sip, "Not until you tell me exactly how many cups you've had today."

Jason lunged. He wasn't so tired that he was uncoordinated. He wrapped a hand around Tim's wrist and squeezed. Tim simply switched the mug to his other hand and reversed the grip on Jason, squeezing lightly. Fire exploded up Jason arm at the pressure and his knees protested as he collapsed.

Tim swore and dropped besides Jason, hands gently moving over him as he scanned for injuries. A buzzing sound filled his head as the pain slowly faded and Jason was able to feel Tim's gentle palpations of his wrist. "What's the diagnosis, Doc?" he huffed when he could control his tongue again. "How long do I have to live?"

Tim snorted, "You're an idiot. B's going to be pissed that you didn't report a broken wrist to him." Tim helped him back onto the couch, "I'm going to wrap this up, then you are going to bed." Tim walked away, but Jason had barely heard him. He hadn't broken his wrist. Not since the League. A chill settled at the base of his spine and wouldn't leave.

Jason knew every inch of Crime Alley. He grew up here, he lived here, he worked here. So why the hell could he not tell where he was? It was like someone inverted the space and moved everything a bit to the left. He could tell there was an alley around him, but not how it related to the city. He didn't know which direction to walk to get home, or if he was even near home. He couldn't even remember why he was here. 

He leaned against the wall as a headache built. They had been more frequent as of late, his brain aching the same as his body. He breathed gently, following instructions from long ago, though he could no longer clearly picture who gave them to him. When the pain decreased, he opened his eyes and the world righted itself.

He was standing below his safehouse. He had gotten lost 50 feet from his home.

Jason barely held on to his panic as he slid back into his safe house. Something was wrong!

Jason stared in disbelief at the blood test. He hadn't dared perform it at the cave, though maybe that would have been better because there is no way this is possible. So, he ran it again. And again. And each time the results showed the same thing: the Pit factors in his blood had decreased significantly.  

Jason was shaking. It wasn't as if the Pit was what brought him back. But it was the glue that held his broken body together. He remembered the stories of what he was before. The scars that covered him. The limping gait and vacant eyes. The mind that was no longer there. Without that glue, his bones would be fragile and covered with minute fractures. His joints would pop out of place at random from the decay of being dead. His mind...

Jason didn't remember calling Roy. He didn't remember what he said. Just that the next thing he remembered was Roy curling around his body as Jason shook apart.

"Roy... I'm so scared."

"We'll figure this out, Jay. You're not alone."

Jason tried to hide his flinch as Lian jumped into his arms, but she still noticed. "I'm sorry, Jay-jay. I keep forgetting!" 

He hefted her off his sore hip, "It's alright sweetheart. What do you have there?" Jason listened as Lian babbled about her drawing of all three of them, his eyes drifting to Roy who was sitting om the couch. The man gave him a small smile, but his eyes remained tight. He had been spending the last several days at Roy's apartment in Star City as they went over their options. Long story short, there were only two. Either Jason went back into the Pit, or he would fade. 

Jason kissed Roy, chuckling a little at Lian's 'icky' face as he passed her to Roy and flopped onto the couch. It made several of his joints pulse, but he didn't care. Roy ran a hand through his hair, "How is it today?"

Jason closed his pricking eyes and shook his head. His body was hurting, and he couldn't focus enough to read. It was a bad day, and Roy could read that.

Roy pinched his lips, "Jay-"

"The answer is still no, Roy."

He twisted, tucking Lian between them. Jason wanted to keep it from her, but she was just as smart as her father and figured out quickly that someone was wrong. She was silent now as Roy ran his hand roughly though Jason's hair. "Babe, please. I can't lose you again."

Jason looked up, "You're going to lose me either way, Roy. At least this way, I have a fucking choice." Because the first time he went into the Pit, he didn't have a choice. He didn't have a choice as he was washed away in green waters, as everything that was important to him was replaced or fractured. He couldn't go back to how he was before. To the rage and the pain. He wouldn't. 

Roy just cried as he held Jason and Lian close.

Life is different when you know you have a time limit. Everything is so much more. Jason returned to Gotham knowing he have only a few months of coherency left. And even that knowledge was fading. His time spent with his family seemed to be full of life. Every joke more hilarious. Every sorrow more pronounced. He ran with them over rooftops on a copious amount of pain meds. He visited the manor for dinners and movie nights, hiding his confusion and memory issues with notes in his phone or feigning exhaustion. He tried to live the last few months of his life with his family

He almost told them several times. Over the next few months of joint patrols and visiting the manor, he almost broke down and told them. But he didn't want his remaining time spent with them to be tainted. He didn't want his last lucid months to be spent under a microscope as they ran around trying to save him. He knew the only thing that would save him was going back into the pit, and he refused to do that. But the rest of the family wouldn't accept that. So he held his secret close to his chest, and his siblings' joy even closer during the last few months. He was out of time, but they didn't need to know that. Because he was going to make sure it was their laughter that followed him into oblivion this time around.

A few weeks later, the Red Hood disappeared from Gotham.

Dick pounded on the apartment door in front of him. Tim sucked in a breath as the noise echoed in the hall around them but was smart enough to not get in Dick's way. Dick felt his heart thudding in his chest; felt the tension running down his back, but he didn't care enough to try and curb it. Roy had lied to them! He had looked Dick in the eye eight months ago and lied to Dick about his little brother. Lied saying he had no idea where Jason went. And for eight months, Dick had believed him.

Dick raised his fist again - half planning to break the lock - when the door swung open. Roy stood there, hair mushed from sleeping, bags under his eyes, staring at the two bats. "Wha-"

Dick grabbed Roy by the arm and dragged him into the apartment. Roy went easily and Tim shut the door silently behind them. Roy was fully awake and squirming by the time they reached the living room, "Dick? The fuck is wrong with you? Why are you two breaking down my door at 4 am?!" Dick simply tossed his former teammate and friend onto the couch. Roy tried to rise, but Tim moved forward and placed a hand on the hero's shoulder, squeezing slightly in warning. Roy cautiously glanced between them. "Dick," he said softly, "are we in danger? Are you okay?"

Dick bit down on a snarl, "Where is he, Roy?"

"Where is who?" Roy's confusion was evident.

Tim glared down at him, his eyes turning to ice, "Jason Todd."

Roy's body stiffened. "The fuck are you talking about?"

Dick stepped forward. "Jason Todd. We know he came here after leaving Gotham. So where is he, Roy!"

Roy's eyes narrowed. "You know what? Fuck you." Roy shoved Tim's hand off his shoulder and stood, hands clenching into fists. "You do not get to come here in the middle of the night and fling questions about my missing boyfriend at me. If I knew where he went, do you think he would still be missing?"

Tim crossed his arms, "That's exactly what we want to know."

Roy whirled to Tim, his voice grating harshly, "Is that what you think? That I helped Jason disappear and have been hiding the man I love for months?!"

Tim didn't flinch. "Jason's last known contact with his family was June 3^rd at 3:14 pm."

That last text had burned itself into Dick brain over the last months: Can't next week. Sorry. Love you. Dick should have known something was up the second he got the text - Jason never said he loved anyone when he wasn't under some sort of toxin. Dick should have swung over to his apartment immediately and checked on his oldest little brother. But he had been too happy to even get a response to think about it.

Tim continued, "After that point, no one has heard from Jason. No one but you."

It was sheer dumb luck that they even found the lead from one of Jason's burners. He had used the phone to text Steph only once, but that was all Tim needed to find the phone records. The new last text? I'm on my way. Sent to Roy's number. They found no sign of Jason's departure from Gotham, but he wasn't as careful about hiding his arrival in Star City. Their new last image of Jason was him and Roy walking out of the airport.

Roy, it seemed, was committed to playing dumb. "So you are accusing me of hiding him. That's really fucked up, even for the bats."

Tim shoved his phone into Roy's hand, forcing him to look at it. On it, the damning picture - complete with a time stamp - showing Roy leading Jason out the airport doors. Dick's heart panged again at seeing the picture. Jason looked pale and shaky, leaning heavily on Roy as they walked. Dick answered Roy, "Not yet. We just want to know where he went after meeting with you. And why didn't you tell us about this before.

A switch seemed to flip in Roy's body as he held the phone. The tension remained, but it had changed; almost flowed into a different pattern. Instead of it being focused on the bats, it seemed to now be focused inward and Roy's legs buckled. He gripped the phone, a soft Oh Jay falling from his lips as he gazed at the photo.

"Because he begged me not to."

The words were a whisper, barely an exhale. But they heard it. Roy's knees gave out and Dick grabbed his elbows to help lower his friend onto the couch. Roy wasn't looking at them, eyes still locked on the screen. He seemed to be searching for something in the image. Dick heart gave a pang at Roy's words, confusion and pity overriding his anger. They had just forced Roy to look at a photo of his clearly very sick, still missing boyfriend. A boyfriend that apparently had asked him to keep it a secret. And Roy had carried that secret for months because he loved Jason. That... Dick could now see how fucked up that was.

Dick lowered himself onto the couch, his anger having boiled away in the face of his grieving friend, and gently removed Roy's fingers from the phone. Tears were flowing down Roy's face as he stared at his now empty palm. "What do you mean?" Tim asked softly, also sensing the change in the room. "What did he not want us to know?"

Roy didn't - or couldn't - look at them. "He didn't want to hurt you. He- he didn't want to burden you when there was no solution he was willing to take. And I- I couldn't break his trust." His eye's met Dick's, "Please, don't ask me to break it anymore. Jason is gone. So please, please, don't ask me where he went."

"Roy," Dick's own voice was breaking, "why didn't you say anything? We could have-" He didn't know what, but there must have been something. Something to ease the burden on his friend.

"Papa?" All of them started at the sound of Lian's voice. She stood in the doorway, no doubt woken up by the earlier argument. She rushed forward at the sight of her father's face and climbed into his lap. Roy wrapped her up in his arms and seemed to hold on for dear life. Lian peeked out of his chest at Dick, "Hi Uncle Dickie."

Dick managed a smile, "Hey Lian." He snuck a hand into Roy's embrace and ruffled her hair. "Sorry that we woke you up."

She shrugged, "Papa often cries about Jay-jay. Especially the night before we go to visit him."

The very air froze. Dick felt like he couldn't get a breath in while Roy whispered a fierce Lian to his daughter. Tim voice shook, "What do you mean?"

Lian twisted in Roy's grip to look at the other bat, "Papa often cried before we visit him after school. I'm glad it's after school. It allows me to make more drawing to help him remember." Oblivious to the bomb she dropped, she turned back to Roy, "Do you want to make him a drawing as well, Papa? It might help."

Roy was still frozen but choked out a "Maybe" before standing with Lian in his arms. "But right now, it's bedtime for little heroes."

While Roy was placing Lian back in bed, Dick and Tim were staring at each other. He could almost see Tim planning on hacking all of Star City's CCTV cameras to track Roy. And Dick was planning something similar, though his was following on rooftops or placing a tracker on Roy. They were so close to Jason, Dick could almost see his brother. And screw Jason not wanting to burden them. They were family! That's what family was for.

Roy was quiet as he came back and faced the two bats. "Whatever happy reunion you are imagining; it's not going to happen. If you... please understand there is no happy ending here." Roy's eyes shown, "Just a lot of unnecessary hurt and pain."

"Roy, you don't have to carry this alone."

"But I promised..."

Dick pulled him into a hug, "Please Roy, what happened to Jason?"

Roy broke. "The pit...The pit's gone." Roy was sobbing now. "He- he's still breathing, but he's gone! He looks at me and doesn't recognize me. He cries in pain, but doesn't know what causes it. The nurses help where they can, but he's- he's-"

Roy's legs gave out finally and they sank to the floor.