Work Text:
Linus Torvalds took a deep breath and stepped into the chamber.
He felt warm and peaceful from his time with Subsurface — it was beautiful. Functional, open code with an active community always centered him. But the warmth faded as he shut the door and surveyed the room, dimly lit with a red glow that reflected off the dull linoleum floor. The walls were black vinyl, stuffed and buttoned like a fancy couch.
In the middle was the star of the show.
Nvidia was trussed tightly to a St. Andrew’s Cross. Its limbs were wrapped in leather sleeves dotted with D-rings, every other loop lashed to the cross with rough hemp rope. There was a ball gag in its mouth, a kazoo hanging on it comedically — the bare minimum of a safe word Linus was inclined to allow. Nvidia’s chest, belly, and crotch were exposed, though, and the bare pink flesh lit a fire in Linus. Soft, sensual, unprotected APIs, opened for the world to see.
He circled the room, checking the restraints and letting his rage begin to bubble.
Proprietary piece of shit.
Hell, even the kazoo was giving grace after the GPL condom incident. But Linus believed in risk-aware, consensual kink, and if Nvidia wanted to come here and get its ass beaten, the least he could do was be ethical about it.
Satisfied with the restraints, Linus crossed over to the wall and dragged his fingers over his tools. He murmured their names as he touched them.
“Hellwig rants, module tainting rants, shim rants,” he whispered. So many rants. So little effect.
His hand found the worn, polished wood handle he favored: a cricket bat with a leather-wound hilt and an enormous “GPLv2” reverse-relief carved into the faces. One side was smooth, but the other had been worked with a dull rasp until it was splintered and dangerous.
Linus picked up the bat, playfully pushing it at Nvidia’s stomach as it writhed and whimpered. He gave a stinging smack with the polished side, enjoying the brisance as Nvidia tensed. A faint welt of the license began to form, and Nvidia cried softly.
Open source, by crook or hook.
Or cricket bat.
Linus turned the bat rough side out, stepped to the side, and wound up to swing with all his might.