Chapter Text
First time I am trying to write a diary, and I have no idea how to start.
It's weird, if you think about it: an introvert kid who has never tried to write a diary. But I never needed to. Even in my loneliest times, I always had one person I could talk to. Who could always talk to me.
We didn't always understand eachother, as we were so different, but we listened.
And now?
Now, for the first time in my life, I am truly alone.
Not physically, of course - I am surrounded by fellow students. But all strangers. No one I can talk to. No one who knows me. I think it's worse than actually being alone: when you are alone in an empty space, you can fill the place with your feelings, be in the company of the place itself; but when you are alone surrounded by strangers, your being is squeezed into yourself, as if there is no place for you here, and you just freeze there, cause you feel if you won't freeze you'll explode. Does any of what I've just wrote make sense?
I don't know.
And that's the point!
My mind is exploding out of thoughts and feelings which I have no one to share with. I mean, I can write a letter to my parents, but I don't think they'll understand. My dad doesn't like to talk about emotions, and he's still too angry about Stanley to realise that I miss him. And Mom... I can never recognise whether she's serious or sarcastic about something, so usually I just give up trying to talk to her about serious stuff.
In a paradoxical way, the only person I really want to talk to about it is Stanley. I guess that's the worst thing about being hurt by someone you love - that they are those who usually give you emotional support, and now, when you are mad at them, you have no idea where to get that emotional support from.
So that's why I am sitting here in front of a spare notebook, even though it's 11 PM and my new roommate, McWhatsname (remind me how exactly am I supposed to make new non-notebook friends while being so terrible at remembering names?) begs me to turn off the lights, and trying to transfer my thoughts into the paper.
Well, this went easier than I expected! Hope I can stick to it and keep writing. But now I have to stop, before McWhatsname starts shouting at me. (Reminder: ask him what's his real name.)