Chapter Text
She wasn’t avoiding him. Necessarily.
Fall semester at PCU was in full swing, and Trina found herself in the thick of it with the two art seminars she added to her normal coursework. Plus, she was heading the spring launch of an exhibit by an emerging artist, and the planning of that took up most of her nonacademic bandwidth. Couple all of that with the goings on of Spencer’s world, which included learning the ropes at Cassadine Industries while trying to maintain his relationship with Ace, and it was easy to understand why Trina and Spencer had seen so little of each other in the last few weeks. Phone calls, text messages and emails, a few morning coffees that were filled with answering phone calls, text messages and emails from other people were mostly all they had had of each other to hold onto.
But, also? There was the truth. She had been avoiding him. Necessarily. Narrowly. But after talking with her mother, she realized that it was time to stop.
When she called, he came. Lightning speed.
“Hi,” she said so softly it was barely audible, as she swung open the door.
“Hi,” he answered. It was the slightest of smiles, but it was there. And when Spencer opened his arms, Trina fell into them. Her ear pressed against the strumming in his chest. His warm breath landed heavy in the jungle of her hair. She closed her eyes, feeling herself melt into him and, like a damn breaking, the weight of secrets she held inside her, washed away.
And then, Spencer broke the embrace. Trina stepped back so that she could see his face. It looked tired. Troubled. And in that moment, with his sad eyes cast on her and unwavering, she knew that he knew.
Trina had expected the anger and hurt. She had put herself in his shoes as she tried to explain it away, even to herself. So, here, she braced for it.
“How are you doing?” Spencer asked, stepping in to close the door behind him, his eyes never leaving hers.
“I’m sorry,” Trina said, folding her hands into the sleeves of her sweater and turning away from him.
“Yeah,” Spencer sighed. “Me, too.”
Trina took a seat on the edge of her bed, desperately trying to memorize the placement of every picture, every scrap of paper on her wall–anything to avoid his gaze. Her throat became thick and her eyes filled with tears that she tried to silently and surreptitiously wipe away.
Spencer took a seat next to her on the bed. “But how are you doing?”
Trina dropped her head. This soft approach of his was tearing at her. “Not good,” she whispered.
Spencer could feel the vibration of the bed as her body shuddered with tears and the stillness of the bed when the tears subsided. He waited in the silence, taking in the ambient buzz of the room, the floral-ly citrus scent of her hair which was pulled back into a messy ponytail. He watched the rise and fall of her profile as she breathed in and out. He reached out his hand slowly and placed it on her arm–an offering of peace for himself as much as it was for her. Because, at that moment that she needed comfort he needed to orient. He needed to know that this scene was not the play of a warped imagination. That she was real and he was real and the situation–as fucked up as it felt–was also real.
“Spencer,” Trina‘s voice, though soft, jarred him. “I’m sorry.”
Spencer burrowed his face into the back of her head. He hadn’t really worked out what to think or how to feel. The twenty minute drive from Kelly’s to Trina’s dorm was not enough distance to process the two pieces of life-altering news he had just received. But what he wanted to do was be there for her. In whatever way she needed, for however long.
“What can I do? Is there anything I can do?” His words were tired, barely audible.
“You’re doing it,” Trina responded, snuggling into him.
In the quiet that followed, Spencer’s mind raced and Trina’s slowed. For three weeks she had imagined this moment as torturous. As her villain origin story, having kept a secret that would break a heart. His heart, which she felt and heard now working feverishly under his thin black hoodie.
“How did you find out?” Trina’s eyes were big and round and sorrowful but not visible to him.
“Joss…But–in her defense–she thought I knew. She thought I was being my typical, selfish, entitled self by not being there for you when you needed me most. And…I guess I was, because I wasn’t…there for you when you needed me most. Because I didn’t know. How didn’t I know?” Spencer’s voice broke and he pinched his eyes with his fingers to stave off the tears. He tried to remember that this wasn’t about him, but he also couldn’t help feeling… feelings –he still wasn’t sure what to name them.
“Because I didn’t tell you,” Trina said softly, her voice full of regret.
“Why didn’t you?”
Trina stood up from the bed, fidgeting with her fingers and filing through the thought bubbles in her head for one that might be suitable for the situation. But they were really only clouds.
Watching the level of anxiety rise in her, Spencer reached out and grabbed Trina’s hands to try and calm her.
“You know what? Nevermind. It’s not what— Listen, it’s okay,” he assured her.
“No, it’s not. I’m not.” Trina pulled her hands from his grasp and walked over to the window, looking out onto the quad. She thought about all of the people down below, going about their daily lives knowing nothing of the turmoil that she felt. The anger. The regret. The loss. She wanted to scream. So that everyone could see her and know it–know that the world had changed. That it was one person short, one promise short and that it couldn’t just move on like nothing had happened.
Spencer remained seated on the bed, watching her watch the world go by. If he thought that he could reach her, he would have reached for her, but there was so much space and it was widening. He could feel it as he sat there. And, if he was being honest, he could feel it these past weeks, at breakfasts and in the phone calls that had grown shorter and fewer and farther between. He hadn’t addressed it then, thinking it was just the demand of their lives. Excusing it as that, anyway. But now, he let out a long slow sigh and built a bridge. “Do you want to talk about it–”
“What is there to talk about?” Now, her words were short and angry.
“You’re obviously hurting, Trina. You’re carrying a burden that you…don’t have to carry alone.”
“Oh, you’re gonna help me? How will that work exactly?”
“Trina–”
“I’m sorry.”
“Were you?” Spencer started, apprehensively. “Alone?”
Trina shook her head. “No, when it started, My mom found me and she…she was there.”
“Good. Good, I’m glad you weren’t alone.” Spencer adjusted himself on the bed, trying to forfend his own growing anxiety. “Were you afraid?”
Trina looked down, still fidgeting with her fingers. “Yeah. Yeah, I was afraid. I was angry. I was…Disappointed.”
Spencer’s head shot up hearing her words. “I thought you would be relieved.”
“Relieved?”
“Yeah, I mean. It’s not like…this was something we planned for or something you wanted…” He left his voice hanging in the air.
“You’re right. It’s not something we planned for, but…I…the idea started to grow on me as the baby grew inside of me–” She held her against her torso.
Spencer carved a path with his eyes from her hands to her face which, though pained, looked so soft and ethereal backlit by the brightness of the sky through the window. He sat in the weighted silence, debating with himself if he should ask the question that burned in his brain and in his heart.
“...When were you going to tell me? Were you going to tell me…that we were–that you were pregnant?” His tone was low and shaky, almost apologetic.
“I…don’t know Spencer. I guess I thought that if I told you, it would be real and the decision would be out of my hands–”
“What decision? I don’t even know what that means, Trina.”
“You wouldn’t think of having a baby now as a bad thing–not a bad thing, but just…it wasn’t the right time–for me. Where I am in my life and my career and I wanted to figure things out on my own without your–”
“Trina, I would have supported you no matter what. Stronger together, remember? Those were your words to me and I believe them.”
“Spencer, I’m sorry. I felt so guilty for not telling you that I was pregnant in the first place and then when I lost the baby…I was glad I wouldn’t have to. Because I didn’t want to see that look on your face.”
“What look?”
“That one. The look in your eyes like somebody dimmed the lights again. You’ve had so much loss in your life, Spencer. I thought that I was protecting you, but really I was being a coward.”
Spencer stood up and pulled Trina into an embrace. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. You are not a coward. You are still the strongest and bravest person that I know.”
Trina buried her face in his chest. “I don’t feel so strong and I don’t feel so brave.”
“Sometimes that happens,” Spencer assured her. “And that’s what I’m here for.”
“You’re not angry?”
“I’m not really sure how I feel yet…mostly in shock. But when Joss told me what was going on, I just had to see you and to know that you are okay.”
“...I couldn’t really bring myself to face…anyone,” Trina stole a glance at him.
“Do you know why?”
“Because I can’t bring myself to face myself, I guess. I mean, Trina Robinson has her entire life planned to a ‘T’, so how does she wind up with an unplanned pregnancy and how does she then lose that pregnancy?” Trina let out a small laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
“Trina, you have to give yourself permission to not have everything all figured out all of the time. We are always learning, always growing. And, as a wise person once told me: ‘you’re perfectly imperfect’.” Spencer and Trina let out lighthearted chuckles at that.
“Hell,” Spencer continued,” sometimes, I’d actually prefer it that way–give the rest of us a chance…I’m just saying that even you, Trina Robinson, are allowed to make mistakes.”
Trina took in a deep breath as companion to his words, which germinated inside her. He was right. Maybe one day she would be able to appreciate it. Without judging herself for not being something no human ever could be. Maybe one day.
Trina launched herself onto her toes and kissed Spencer on the cheek. He smiled, pulling her, once again, into an embrace.
“If we’re being honest,” he started, “we haven’t been all that careful, so a baby wouldn’t have been totally unplanned–or unwanted, but…Trina, no matter what you wanted or what you ultimately would have decided, I support you. No matter what.”
***
Spencer stepped off the elevator, into the lobby where he came face-to-face with Joss.
“How’d it go?” She asked, her eyes trying to siphon from him, maybe, what her words could not. Their lifelong relationship had been tested. Had been tenuous for years because of time and distance apart, and had become more so recently because of Cam, Esme and Dex. But, their mutual love for Trina was the thing that connected them now and what Joss would rely on to reach her friend.
“I—she told me what happened. She’s still…hurting and I don’t know that I helped her.” Spencer ran his hand through his hair and blew out his frustration.
Joss grabbed his arm and led him to a nearby bench. “Well, did she ask for your help? What did she say?”
“No. No. She didn’t ask for my help. She didn’t ask me for anything, and I think…that’s the problem…” Spencer popped up from the bench and began pacing. His face looked drained and his body hung limp and powerless.
“I know I have no right—“ he continued through bouts with the air “…but, I look at her and I see the love of my life. I see the mother of my children and… to know now that…”
Joss stood up and collected Spencer’s hands in hers to try and calm him.
“She didn’t trust me enough to even tell me that she was pregnant,” Spencer continued. “And I can only wonder why–the real reason. She doesn’t make those kinds of mistakes, but of course: she’s human. She’s allowed to fuck up. And even if she didn’t want the whole world to know, why? Why couldn’t I know? We’re supposed to be partners. We’re supposed to be–it was my child, too. And I didn’t know and I wanted to know. And I want to be angry with her, but I can’t because she’s hurting. She felt like she was in an impossible situation, and I–I just don’t want to get this wrong–”
“Spencer! Spencer!” Joss yanked at his hands, which she was still holding. “You are allowed to be angry. At her. At me. At the world. And you’re allowed to grieve…your loss. To grieve what might have been…”
Spencer made his way back to the bench slowly and sat down, remembering. “We spent our first Thanksgiving together.” He smiled. “I sat across from her at the table and I just…watched her. Talk to her family. Laugh. Watched her pick at her green beans because she doesn’t really like them but didn’t want to hurt her Aunt Stella’s feelings. I listened to the stories that her family told about her. I don’t remember ever feeling so…full. My family didn’t really have the typical holiday dinners, and it always felt like something was missing anyway…after dinner–” Spencer’s words caught in his brain as he thought back to Thanksgiving at the Ashfords and how Portia had come downstairs to tell him that Trina didn’t feel well and would just stay over–that he could go on home and Trina would call him the next day. He thought she was being her typical disapproving self, but he hadn’t wanted to make a scene, so he just left. But, she never called.
“Now I know what was happening…”
Joss squeezed his hand. “She loves you. So much. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to keep something of that magnitude from you–”
“I know it wasn’t.” Spencer smiled. “Before we went to dinner that night, we went to check in on Ace. It was his first Thanksgiving. Trina was sitting on the floor playing with him and they were laughing and just so happy, and I thought ‘I could do this everyday for the rest of my life. I want to do this everyday for the rest of my life…to be with this woman’...”
“Has that changed?” Joss asked.
“Not at all. Not at all. I just–” Spencer shook his head and cleared his throat. “Nope, not at all”
“Are you going to be okay?”
What could he say? He was a Cassadine and Cassadines survived. Even when they don’t.
“I will be.”
Joss opened her arms to offer an embrace, which he accepted. Then, she started towards the elevator.
“Hey,” Spencer called after her. “Thanks, Joss. You’re a good friend.”
Joss smiled. “You’re welcome, Spencer. So are you…sometimes,” she teased.
“Hey!” Spencer laughed before becoming pensive again. “Take care of her, will you?”
Joss’s smile faded and concern washed over her. “Of course, but…what? Why are you saying that?” She stepped out of the embrace. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Well, um, I was already headed out of town on business, anyway…don’t look so worried. I’ll be back. I just…don’t want Trina to feel alone.”
Joss nodded, though her concern did not dissipate. “Okay. Of course. She won’t.”
Spencer lowered his head and began to leave.
“And, Spencer!” Joss called after him.
He turned around to see her stepping onto the elevator right before the doors closed.
“Take care of yourself.”
He flashed her a quick smile and left the building.
***
Stepping off the plane and back into their lives in Port Charles felt surreal. It was the place Trina had called home for most of her life, yet she felt a stranger since arriving back from New York weeks ago. The pace was slower than she remembered, the places smaller.
Their first few weeks back, she and Spencer had spent every moment together that they could, aided immensely by the fact that he bought his own condo, which allowed them more privacy while keeping in proximity to Ace. A long fought-for win-win.
She had spent nearly every night there, in Spencer’s bed that she picked out because he wanted her to be comfortable. Some nights, Ace would stay over. Trina had stayed out of the discussions surrounding the decorations of his room, but she loved creeping in sometimes and watching as he slept. Several times, she walked in to find Spencer perched in the rocker reading to his brother or soothing him to sleep. It was a sight that warmed her entire being, and one that she treasured. Had looked forward to until the day she received a notification on her phone asking if her cycle had started.
She opened the app and immediately began to panic. Nine days. How could she have been nine days late and not realized it?
Trina slammed closed her textbook, grabbed her jacket and walked–hurriedly–to the student health center. She was just being overly-cautious. There were no symptoms, no reason to believe that a late period was due to anything other than the stress of her school, her job and her family.
She sat down to fill out paperwork and waited for the nurse to call her name. Careless. How could you be so careless? She thought, as she skimmed line 13 for the third time without registering its ask. Just calm down, Trina. She took a deep breath in and blew it out slowly through pursed lips. Everything after that was her floating with her ears submerged in water. She was in the elevator headed up to her dorm room before realizing she held papers in her hand. She looked at them. Pamphlets about what foods to eat, what vitamins to take. A referral for prenatal care. A leaflet on choice. Trina scrolled them all tightly in her hand. Whatever information the papers offered they confirmed that the life she knew was over.
The first call should have been to him, she knew. She pressed all the requisite buttons except the one that would connect. She lay in her bed in the quiet that would exist until Joss returned from class. If she returned. Much of her time was spent at Dex’s or at Kelly’s helping her mom.
Trina ran her hand over her torso. Feeling…for what? There was no bump. No movement that she could discern as separate and distinct from that of her own body. And yet, there was a growing inside of her. As small as it was, she felt the full weight of it. Not the idea of a baby, because the baby was made of love and would be born of love. But the weight of when timing and circumstance aren’t aligned. She and Spencer had already proven that they could weather anything, but the relationship relationship between them was still quite new and they had only recently gotten to the good of it. She knew Spencer would be supportive and a great father–he had already shown that he could be with Ace. And, he of course had the resources. Trina recognized that many of the worries people had about starting families didn’t apply to them…and yet, she was not excited by the news.
Trina’s concern showed on her face because Joss, who had just entered the room carrying her backpack and overnight bag, clocked it immediately.
“Good morning—Trina, what’s wrong?” She threw her bags on the floor and joined her friend on her bed, taking Trina’s hands inside her own.
Trina leaned her head against Joss’ shoulder and exhaled loudly. “I’m pregnant.”
Joss’ head whipped back, stunned. She paused a moment. “And, I take it by your demeanor that you are not crazy about the news?”
“Not crazy, no.”
“Ok…” Joss’ words were slow and measured. “What’d Spencer say?”
“Nothing yet. I just found out. I haven’t told him. I haven’t told anybody.”
Joss put her arm around Trina and pulled her in close. She didn’t say any more words. Didn’t want to fill in the silence with unnecessary sound. She listened to her friend breathe. Listened to the thoughts unfurl in Trina’s brain like a movie on a vintage film reel.
“I don’t know what to do, Joss. I don’t know what to think. This…was not supposed to happen.”
“Trina, I think it’s okay that you don’t know what to do or what to think. This is pretty fresh information and you’re allowed to sit with it before having an answer to a question you’d didn’t have to ask yourself an hour ago. Just breathe.”
Joss took in an exaggerated breath and invited Trina to do the same, before they both exhaled into a fit of laughter.
“Thank you, Joss.” Trina said.
“Hey! Let’s go grab some lunch. The dining hall, Kelly’s, wherever you feel like.”
“No, you go on. I’m not that hungry…besides, I think I have a phone call to make.” The temporary joy slid from Trina’s face.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Do you want me to stick around?”
Trina thought about the comfort it would be to have Joss stay with her while she set about making sense of things, but she really just wanted to be alone. “No, you go ahead. I’ll be alright.” She assured Joss.
Joss popped up from the bed and gave her friend a tight squeeze. “Ok,” she said. “Love you. Call me if anything.” Joss peeled back from the embrace but let her hands linger on Trina’s arms, not really wanting to let go. She looked into her friend’s eyes, which were so full and questioning, then turned, grabbed her backpack and left the room.
Alone again, Trina laid back on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She felt for her phone and picked it up, staring at her reflection in the blank screen. Suddenly, it vibrated, displaying Spencer’s face and name inescapably. For a brief moment, she made the decision not to answer. He would think she was at the library deep in study and would call him later.
And this began the start of the cat and mouse game. Her not avoiding him by busying herself with things. Her side of his bed lay empty more and more nights. What was wrong, he would beg. They could fix it. They could lick it. Together. But, she assured, there was nothing wrong. Just busy. Just tired. I promise. I promise.
The lying was eating at her. The sound of his voice–the desperation in it–was eating at her. Weeks passed and the only person who knew besides her was Joss, who remained her bedrock.
“I can’t believe Spencer’s gone MIA. Typical, I guess,” Joss had said one day.
“It isn’t like that, Joss. He’s got a lot going on, too.” Trina defended. Now she was lying to two people. Well, three.
“He’s going to be a father. You would think nothing would be more important than that.”
“Listen, Joss. I don’t want to talk about that. Where are you spending your Thanksgiving break? Are you going home?”
Trina was touched by the way her roommate-bestie’s face lit up. “No. Actually, Dex and I are going to his family’s for the holiday. It’s his adoptive brother’s. He just got married and they bought a house, so we’re going to go visit with them.”
“How cool! Was your mom crushed?”
“No. She’s practically packing my bags.”
“Oh, really?” Trina said with a laugh. It felt good.
“What about you?”
“You know they’re planning a huge celebration. All of the Ashfords will be there. My uncle Zeke, my dad. Spencer. It should be…interesting.”
“I’ll bet.”
On some level, Trina was excited and grateful that her mother had invited Spencer to spend Thanksgiving with them. It meant a level of acceptance…or at least, of catering to Trina’s happiness at the expense of her own.
The entire dinner she sat across the table from Spencer, who was sandwiched between Marshall and Stella. The smile never left his face. Except when he was stuffing it with food. Could this be how life could be? He looked so happy. Everyone looked so happy.
Trina had excused herself from the table. She had thought something that she ate hadn’t agreed with her. As soon as she entered the bathroom, she realized how wrong she was.
She sat, reeling. Trying to understand the what and why of her body’s doing. To resist it. To annul it.
Then, a knock.
“Trinaaa!”
It was her mom’s voice. As singing and upbeat as ever.
All Trina could manage was a whimper as she worked to push through the discomfort.
In seconds, Portia had unlocked the door with the emergency key she retrieved from the top of the door trim that Trina could not reach.
“Honey?” Portia opened the door, her face immediately turned pale with the realization of what was happening.
Soon, the entire story poured out, as did tears. Apologies. “Honey, there’s nothing you need to apologize for,” Portia had said, taking her daughter into her arms. The only time she left Trina’s side all night was to tell everyone that Trina had fallen ill. It marked the end of Thanksgiving. Everyone who didn’t live there went home, including Spencer, after much convincing.
Trina had spent the remainder of the weekend at home in her bed, Portia by her side. It was a return to how it had always been when it was just the two of them.
“I feel…responsible,” Trina confided.
Portia nodded, sympathetically. “I can understand how you might feel that way. But, just know that you aren’t. There are any number of reasons why a pregnancy can’t be carried to term…” Dr. Robinson had entered the chat.
Trina knew this intellectually. It still didn’t erase the pain. The guilt. The feeling that, for the second time and basically as many months, she had failed. What had erased those feelings, at least momentarily, was an entire day watching Disney princess movies and eating Chinese takeout in bed with her mom.
As the closing credits for The Princess and the Frog rolled, Trina looked up at her mother, who was resting–half-asleep–on the headboard of Trina’s bed.
“When was the last time we did this?” Trina asked. “Me, watching my Disney princess movie and you falling asleep in the middle of it.”
“Hey–I was not asleep!” Portia protested. They laughed.
“Thank you for staying here with me.” Trina said.
“Thank you for letting me. I’m not sure how many more times I’ll get to share a bed with my baby girl.” Portia, all smiles, kissed Trina atop her head.
“Yeah, it was nice.”
A momentary silence settled into the room before Trina spoke again.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant with me? I mean, were you happy? Scared?”
“Both,” Portia answered. “Yeah, I think both. I mean, obviously, it wasn’t something that was planned–especially not the way that things…ended up happening. So yeah, a little scared. But then your fath–Marcus and I–we…we were just so happy even about the idea of you. And it put us on this path…and I don’t know that I would have changed a thing. Because here you are and I wouldn’t have you any other way.”
Trina smiled at that thought. Her parents had given her the best life. Continued to, really. She felt lucky in that regard. Then, her smile faded.
“I didn’t let myself be happy. I mean, I want to have children–I want to have Spencer’s children, but when I found out…I couldn’t let myself be happy about it. It’s like, I felt guilty if I even thought this might be a good thing. And I felt guilty for thinking it to be a not so good thing. So many people want to become parents and can’t–and I was…blessed?...to become pregnant and…but then, I guess, it just wasn’t meant to be this time…”
As Trina’s voice trailed off, Portia pulled her daughter in tightly. Doctor, mom, confidante–there was no title she held that could balm Trina, and Portia hated that. This was all she could do.
“Mom,” Trina said softly, “I’m sorry.”
“For what, honey?”
“I messed up. None of this was supposed to happen.”
Portia nestled her way next to her daughter in the bed. “Sweetheart, what I have learned in the couple of decades of life I have on you is that most everything that happens in our lives is what’s supposed to happen. We can have dreams, we can make plans, but the universe has a mind of its own and nothing can happen other than what was supposed to. Whatever experiences we have, whatever lessons we learn–or don’t–is just setting us up for the next part of our journey.”
“So, you’re not disappointed in me?”
“Why would I be? I’m so proud of who you are, I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished.”
Trina closed her eyes tightly to absorb her mother’s words. They felt so soothing to hear, but she didn’t fully accept them.
“I didn’t tell Spencer…”
“Honey, this just happened, there’s no need to–”
“No, I mean, he doesn’t even know that I…was pregnant.”
“Oh,” Portia said, ingesting her daughter’s words. “…do you know why? Do you think he would not have been happy with the news?”
Trina sat up and faced her mother, her sullen expression giving way to a soft smile. “I think he would have been ecstatic…and I think that’s why I was reluctant to say anything…until I was sure how I felt.”
“Trina, I think that’s understandable.”
“Yeah, but will he? You saw him this past year with Ace and how singularly focused he was on proving that he could be a better man than his father. A better father…and for him to know that he might truly have the opportunity to be a father to his own child…but I robbed him of it–”
“No, no, no, no, no,” Portia said with a feverish shake of her head. “Absolutely not. You’re not going to blame yourself for what happened. None of it.”
“But what about the fact that I didn’t tell him. And the fact that part of me feels like maybe I shouldn’t ever tell him.”
“Why?”
“Because what would be the point? It’s going to break his heart.”
Portia took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. “I kept a twenty year secret from you and your fathers and it almost devastated your lives, and I know that you wouldn’t do that. You’re stronger and braver than I ever was. And even though I am not a fan of your relationship with Spencer, honey, it needs to feed on honesty. He deserves that, and so do you.” Portia smoothed her hand over Trina’s face. “And honey, I see the way he looks at you. I’ve heard the way he speaks to you, the way he speaks about you. He…may be upset. He may be disappointed, he may feel any number of feelings, but honey, that’s his prerogative. Your only responsibility is to be honest with him–you’re not responsible for how he feels or what he does after...”
Trina settled back down and took in her mother’s words. She knew that they were true. Trina had just begun to be honest with herself, how could she have been honest with Spencer? In the days that passed after she found out she was pregnant, she never let herself walk through her feelings all the way to the other side. She stopped at fear and anxiety. Setup camp at disappointment. Now, having talked it through with her mother, lying together in her bed watching television like they had done so many times before, Trina started to name other feelings. Safety. Even joy. For the briefest of moments, she had gotten to care for the seed of life that was sown in her.
It hadn’t sprouted, it hadn’t been reaped, but it had been.
***
When he had left her dorm, Trina lay down on her bed, closed her eyes and just…breathed. The last few weeks moved by in nanoseconds and simultaneously stood still, and– right now , with all her secrets told–the passage or stillness of time no longer mattered. Student that she was, Trina wanted to practice most was the art of the here and now.
She readied herself for the remainder of the day. Catching a glimpse outside her window at the quad down below, she noted the trees whose few remaining leaves burned crimsons and auburns. The students moved through space with a swiftness that probably meant the wind and cold were biting. Trina pulled on her coat, grabbed her gloves, keys and purse. She texted Joss to meet her at Kelly’s. It seemed like the perfect day for a hot chocolate.