Work Text:
I think freezing to death would be the most peaceful way to die. Not in the beginning though. In the beginning you'd be able to feel the way your fingers tense up and refuse to move. Or the shivering coming as a warning of your condition. Eventually I think you'd go numb, maybe even fall asleep if you're lucky.
You'd probably wanna get drunk beforehand. I once read that a chef on the Titanic survived due to his being drunk. Something to do with the way alcohol lowers your body temperature. Being drunk also would probably make death seem so far away.
If I were to die I'd want to freeze to death. I’d want to be young so I wouldn't have had to witness the people close to me die. There was a boy who killed himself at the beginning of my freshman year. He was found a week later by his aunt. I wouldn't want to be found by someone close to me either. I’d much rather never be found, but I doubt that is possible.
I’d imagine it being a cold winter's day. I'd drive far away with a couple bottles of a strong drink. I’d drive till I ran out of gas. Then I'd take my bottles and start walking until I found a forest. I might have a jacket, probably my papa's. I love him so much. I climb a tree and drink my bottles empty. Then I'd just sit and wait. Maybe I'd bring a book, I would’ve left my phone at home. Like I said I didn't want to be found.
I’d debate putting my hands in the pocket of my jacket in search of warmth. But I think I'd be just as likely to debate taking my shoes off. Then tying them by the shoelaces to a branch above me. I think I might laugh perhaps because of my drunken state, or the hilarity of my hung shoes. Or maybe to just fill the silence.
At this point I’d regret not bringing my phone. I'd want to listen to music, to sing along, slurring the words. I think it’d make my cry. I'd want to go home and tell my mom I love her, then call my dad to tell him the same. I wouldn't know my way back, and wouldn't risk falling from the tree. The tears would freeze on my face along with the snot.
The sun would start to go down and everything would be dark. I'd hope by this point I'd be numb and tired. If not I'd entertain the thought of climbing higher and jumping. But my fingers would be too cold for use, and my legs would've fallen asleep.
What would I think of in my hour of death? Would I feel regret or satisfaction? I think neither, I think I'd be so sorrowful, yet not able to cry. Every sad film or show, and book or song wouldn't have left me with so much sadness as I’d feel in that moment. I’d scream as loud as I'd like until my throat was hoarse, until I couldn't.
In those last few moments though before I’d succumb to sleep and death, I think I’d accept it. I'd accept my not amounting to anything and die with a smile on my frost blue face.
They probably wouldn't find me till spring when I'd already started to rot. I'd still be in my papa's coat. I think, or maybe it's just hope, that they'd be sad I'm dead. I wouldn't want them to be sad for long, but on the day they find me I want to be. Maybe even miss me. They wouldn't have a burial, I'd be cremated, probably turned into a diamond for my mother, as she wanted me to do for her.
Do they take the person's clothes when they get cremated? I don't know, I suppose so. I kinda hope they won't take my papa's jacket. I think it'd be too covered in me to be worn again by someone living, and I wouldn't want it to be thrown away. I wonder what he'd think about it all? Would he be one of the first people out looking for me? Would he find me? Would my parents? I really hope not, they shouldn't have to go through that. No parent should have to find their child's rotting corpse. Would they even recognize me? They say a mother knows her child’s face, but does that include when half of it has been eaten by birds and rats? I don't know.
None of this matters however as I am not dead. I am not rotting up in a tree while a crow picks at my eye. I am not sitting up in a tree waiting to die. I have not taken bottles of booze with me into a forest. And I have not made the decision to freeze to death. I am not going to kill myself.I am laying in bed, typing this out while letting some tears fall down my cheeks.
This is why I think freezing to death would be the most peaceful way to die.