Chapter Text
“yooooooo! do you want to grab some drinks tonight?”
Yoon Jeonghan read his message notification. He had been lying on his bed the entire day, not even taking a step on the cold wooden floor. He couldn’t even remember what he had been thinking about; was it how he realized he might’ve messed up his life? No. Maybe not.
He needed to get out of bed. He knew it wasn't healthy to stay in bed, underneath the blankets that comforted him better than any other human being’s touch or words.
Jeonghan’s arm reached over to his phone to respond to one of his dearest friends, Seokmin.
”yeah sure! usual?”
He hadn’t seen Seokmin or Dokyeom in a while. He couldn’t even remember the last time he hung out with his younger friend. Don’t get him wrong; he adored him, but it was just that Dokyeom took up all of his energy in a few minutes. It took Jeonghan a while to recover; he couldn’t understand why. His body was functioning like this before. He loves Dokyeom.
”you bet! i can't wait to see you, hyung! let’s have the best night of our lives!”
Jeonghan forced himself to touch the cold floor of his empty room. Right across his bedroom, there was a door that led to the bathroom. He turned on the lights in the room and looked at himself through the mirror. He had terrible eye bags, terrible posture, terrible skin, terrible facial structure, and a terrible body.
He could name every single thing that was terrible about himself.
Jeonghan finally looked away from himself in the mirror and leaned down towards the bathroom and turned on the faucet, letting the cold water run. He washed his hands before washing his face to wake himself up. Afterward, he turned off the faucet and stopped its water, then grabbed a white towel that was beside it. He patted the towel against his face and stood in the bathroom for almost 5 minutes.
He needed to change.
*
Jeonghan finally entered the bar where Dokyeom and he would meet up. It used to be one of their favorite spots since the beer was refreshing. He walked around before hearing Dokyeom’s loud laugh across the bar. As he approached the table, he noticed he was with friends.
At that moment, Jeonghan’s heart dropped to his stomach.
He wasn’t aware that other people would be joining them. Why didn’t Dokyeom tell him? Why didn’t he give a warning? Why couldn’t he?
“Jeonghan-hyung!” Dokyeom’s voice called out to him as he raised a hand to gesture for him to come over to their table.
Jeonghan’s mind quickly refocused on reality and he dragged his feet to their table, “Hello, everyone." He gave a small smile to everyone at the table.
Was that too forward? Maybe too friendly? What if they laugh at him for being nice? Why was he thinking like this? He only said two words and gave them a smile like a normal human being! Could anyone at this table hear how loud his stupid brain was thinking? Can't they even hear his thoughts? Maybe they could sense that he was having trouble.
“This is Mingyu and Myungho!” Dokyeom said with a bright smile and gestured to the two men across from the table.
“Nice to meet you, Jeonghan.” Minghao simply said that and grabbed his glass of alcohol. Mingyu smiled brightly and showed off his canines. “Nice to meet you. We have heard about you from Dokyeom.” He said.
“All good things, I hope.” Jeonghan said and took off his coat; it was getting a bit warm. He wore a sweater underneath; it wasn’t usual. Especially in this chilly weather, his body temperature was usually freezing, but this time the heat was getting to him. Maybe since he could feel something bad will happen. It will happen any second now.
Mingyu seems to be different from Dokyeom and Myungho. Myungho was more on the quiet side. Sure, Dokyeom can be loud, but that was only if he was comfortable in his surroundings. Dokyeom can be quite introverted. While Mingyu—well, Mingyu didn’t seem to be introverted, not to Jeonghan at least. He seemed to want to get to know Jeonghan.
“So, Jeonghan—I have heard you were working in the business management area.” Mingyu said and started to converse with the elder. Jeonghan nodded. “Yeah, I am working at a firm. Nothing too special.” He shrugged.
“That’s so cool. I was originally interested in that type of field, but I found my passion somewhere else.” He said.
Was Mingyu picking at him?
Was he bragging about having discovered something he loved to do? He must’ve been bragging. He had to be! What else he could've met?
Jeonghan nodded. “I’m getting a drink.” He told the table that he desperately needed to walk away from Mingyu. Just Mingyu.
Dokyeom’s eyes lit up. “Can you get me another glass too, Hyung?" He asked him and held up his empty glass in his hand. “The usual.” He told him. Jeonghan nodded before getting up to get the drinks for their table.
*
Mingyu had watched him walk away. “He’s a cutie. You never told me about that, Dokyeom.” He whined, grabbed his drink in his hand, and took a sip.
“You’re talking about Hyung?” Dokyeom said, watching him drink his beer, “You can’t like Hyung.” He said.
“Why not?” Mingyu’s eyes widened. “Does he have a partner?” He worriedly asked and didn’t mean to take someone else’s partner. Or even having that thought.
“No, no… Hyung is too busy for a partner! He’s always working!” He told his friend while pointing the empty glass towards him, “He is just not your type!” He continued to say, Minghao listened to their conversation and let out a small smile. “I would’ve assumed Jeonghan wasn’t into dudes like Mingyu.” He said.
*
Jeonghan was supposed to get Dokyeom’s drink and bring it back to their table, but instead, he was waiting outside.
He wanted to be in his bed again.
He wanted to hide from everyone who saw him tonight. It felt like everyone at the bar was watching him and whispering to each other. He didn’t like that. He didn’t, at all.
“Jeonghan?” He suddenly heard a voice behind him call for him.
Jeonghan quickly turned around and saw Mingyu. “It’s cold out here; you’re not even wearing your jacket.” He said and brought his jacket to Jeonghan. He held out towards the other.
For a moment, Jeonghan just stared at the jacket and didn’t attempt to reach for his item.
“Jeonghan?” Mingyu’s confused voice said
“O-Oh.. Sorry.” Jeonghan apologized and grabbed his jacket away from Mingyu.
“No, it’s okay. You’re good, right?”
Jeonghan paused at the question and stared at his jacket.
Was he good?
“I think I’m leaving early. I’m feeling a bit sick.” Jeonghan finally looked at Mingyu.
“Oh, did you walk here? If you did, I can give you a ride—if you like, that is.” Mingyu had suggested it to him.
Alone in a car with someone who will take up his energy?
But… Maybe it will be good. Jeonghan didn’t want to get sick from walking in the cold. The downside was that he had to have another conversation with the younger man.
Jeonghan then slowly nodded to answer Mingyu’s question.
He can have another conversation with him in the car, right? At least, he hoped so.
Mingyu walked to his car after he texted his friends to let them know about Jeonghan feeling a bit sick. He followed behind.
*
The conversation in the car killed Jeonghan, leaving him even worse than ever. Mingyu walked Jeonghan to his apartment and watched him grab his keys from his bag. “Jeonghan… Can I get your phone number?” He suddenly asked him.
Jeonghan dropped his house keys right after.
“Oh! I got them!” Mingyu then bent his knees to grab the keys from the floor before getting up to hand them over to him. “There!” He smiled at him.
That selfish smile.
He was completely oblivious. How can someone be so arrogant? Jeonghan could sense the greed behind his actions.
Despite what his mind was telling him, he didn’t want to seem like a rude person in reality. Jeonghan just looked at Mingyu and thanked him quietly for picking up his keys.
“Sure.” He answered.
“I know it’s random, but since we both know Dokyeom, we should hang out together sometime.”
Jeonghan hated that idea.
“Sure.” He repeated his answer.
Mingyu smiled at his response: "Uh, great!” He handed Jeonghan his phone so he could type his number in his contact list.
He handed the phone back to him and said, "Um... Have a good night." Jeonghan’s voice softly spoke, and he unlocked his apartment door. He needed to hide from Mingyu.
Mingyu nodded. “Have a great night, Jeonghan.” He smiled at him and finally left the other man alone.
Jeonghan quickly got inside his apartment and shut the door behind him. His heart was pounding, his head was aching, and his eyes were heavy. He could only hear his breathing with his back against his door. He could feel the tears starting to well up in the corner of his eyes.
He never felt so humiliated.
His body slouched and slumped against the door, finally sitting on the floor to wonder how much wrong he could do in his life.
overanalyzing his entire life, trying to look for any hope that he can hold onto tightly.
In his lonely, cold, and empty apartment, he was flooded with his thoughts.
It was better for him. This is the life he deserved.
*
Mingyu left the apartments, feeling accomplished. He smiled to himself and said, “Yoon Jeonghan." He mumbled the name aloud. He loved how the name sounded against his tongue. He’ll admit that Jeonghan was mysterious in his way. Maybe it was just hard to open up. Jeonghan seems to always be stuck in his head, never in reality.
Dokyeom mentioned something but hasn't spoken to Jeonghan in a while. The two were busy with their work, they reasoned.
Mingyu stared at Jeonghan’s contact on his phone before finally messaging him.
“hey, it’s mingyu. dk’s friend lol”
*
”hey, it’s mingyu. dk’s friend lol”
Jeonghan stared at the message notification, along with the black coffee that used to be hot. It was now cold.
He could list many reasons why he hated Mingyu.
He hated how perfect he seemed to be in his life. He hated how his smile was. He hated how Mingyu drove him home and walked him to his apartment. He hated how he brought his jacket to him so he wouldn’t freeze to death. What if Jeonghan wanted to freeze to death? Why would Mingyu care?
But why did Jeonghan care?
Why did he care too much?
Jeonghan watched his phone shut off automatically, then looked at his cold coffee beside his phone.
Why should he care?
Mingyu reminded himself of what he could be, but he just wasn’t meant to be like Mingyu.
He hadn’t replied to his message.
Who cares?
*
“Dokyeom, has Jeonghan texted you?” Mingyu asked the other man. The two were sitting at a table for coffee at a cafe. Dokyeom looked at him and said, “No, he hasn’t. He sucks at replying. Maybe he’s just busy with work.”
“Yeah, but it’s been a week. He couldn’t have been off his phone for a week.” Mingyu said and looked at the message he sent that was sent a week ago.
“He does that with me, too. And I’m closer to him.” Dokyeom said and looked at the message he sent to Jeonghan, “How do you sound nervous through a text?” He had teased the taller man.
“Shut up!” Mingyu got annoyed and shut his phone off to hide the message he had sent to Jeonghan.
“How about this? We can visit Jeonghan-hyung after that." Dokyeom had suggested as he drank his coffee, “If he is home, that is."
Mingyu’s eyes lit up, and he nodded. “Yeah, that’s fine with me.” He said as the two finished their coffee. They left the cafe and headed to Jeonghan’s apartment.
*
Jeonghan heard the doorbell ringing while he lay on his bed. Was it the food he ordered? He sighed and finally pulled away from the comforting blankets. He headed to the door and opened the door before seeing two familiar faces.
No…
His eyes widened when he saw Dokyeom and Mingyu waiting. “I—“ he tried to say, quickly pulling down the long sleeves to hide his skin.
“Hi, Hyung!” Dokyeom’s bright energy had already hit Jeonghan, making him feel even more vulnerable.
“Did you just wake up?” Mingyu asked.
Jeonghan nodded before finally opening the door wider, letting the two come inside his apartment. His apartment was empty. He didn’t have much; he didn’t need much to survive. He just needed the essentials, anything else would go to waste.
Mingyu walked behind Dokyeom, and they sat down on the couch in the living room. “Hyung, you should get more stuff in here. Maybe Myungho can help you!” Dokyeom had suggested.
He didn’t need any help; Jeonghan tried to push the idea away.
Jeonghan sat down next to Mingyu.
Though it was like he could feel the rays of heat coming from the taller person’s body, it was like another blanket. A blanket that he can hide underneath to protect himself, shielding himself from anything coming to him.
“You could’ve texted me that you guys were coming. I would’ve showered and all.” He said as he looked at the black coffee the two bought for him.
“You look fine, Hyung. Who cares?” Dokyeom reassures the elder.
He didn’t look fine. He hadn’t been eating, sleeping, or taking care of himself properly at all.
Mingyu noticed the discomfort that Jeonghan was thinking about. “Han, it’s okay, y’know?” He simply said as Dokyeom got up to turn on a movie for the three to watch together.
Jeonghan slowly nodded toward Mingyu, and he finally noticed how close their bodies were. His hands started to shake and sweat.
It was like Mingyu could read every single thought of his and his body language. How could he know? Was it because he was his soulmate, or what? How can he know everything that he is experiencing? Jeonghan stared at the television in front of him. He watched as the introduction to the movie played. He never watched this movie. It was probably one of Dokyeom’s romance movies that he loved so much.
He suddenly felt a hand on top of his own damp, shaky hand. He looked at the touch and saw Mingyu’s hand engulfing his own. His thumb gently comforted the back of his palm.
He hated Kim Mingyu; his warm body was comforting his mind. Soothing his mind at ease. Making Jeonghan forget all of his worries. It felt nice to have no thought, he only did self-reflect. Jeonghan didn’t need to say a word at all, living in the present. No one interrupted him and no one forced him to think that what he did was wrong.
Mindfulness, Jeonghan’s conclusion.
The three watched the entire movie that Dokyeom picked. It was some sort of comedy movie, but Jeonghan didn’t pay attention to the film. The other two seem to enjoy their loud laughter.
Jeonghan's hand was still in Mingyu's warmth. He was feeling comforted by his small and gentle touch.
Suddenly, he pulled his hand away.
Mingyu seemed to notice the discomfort that he brought to the elder, “Ah, sorry…” He apologized.
Jeonghan stared at his hand that was touching Mingyu’s hand. He couldn’t do this. It was wrong for him. This was wrong. Lonely. He felt incredibly lonely. There were people in his apartment that he could easily interact and socialize with, but Jeonghan was still disconnected from the two. He felt even more lonely in his mind.
“Sorry.” Jeonghan said, leaving Mingyu confused.
Dokyeom had gotten up from the couch, “It’s getting late. I know how much Jeonghan likes to be alone.” He teased, “Let’s head out, Mingyu-ah.” He said. Jeonghan then got up to hug Dokyeom goodbye after the younger one found his stuff. “Seokmin, I’ll meet you outside.” Mingyu told him. Dokyeom nodded before taking his leave.
Jeonghan’s nerves stood taller than himself, taking full control of his mind.
“Oh… Um… Jeonghan— I wanted to know if you ever saw my text message.” He said.
“Oh! Erm—“ Jeonghan tried to find an answer to give to Mingyu. “I did… I just forgot to reply. I’m sorry…” Deep down, he did not feel sorry. He wanted to be alone.
“That’s okay, I was wondering.” He said and awkwardly stood by the door of Jeonghan’s apartment. Mingyu’s gaze couldn’t face Jeonghan, he kept looking at the ground. His face seemed to be flush, feeling the same nerves that Jeonghan was feeling.
“Mingyu…” Jeonghan softly spoke. “I… I liked how you held my hand…” He had admitted to him.
His heart was pounding. His face became even more flush. It was like he became ill all of a sudden. His skin felt cold, while his body felt hot. The mixture between the two temperatures creates more chaos for his weakened state. Jeonghan didn’t want to look the younger man in the eye either. Mingyu’s eyes lit up. If he was a dog, his ears would’ve perked while his tail wagged in excitement at Jeonghan’s comment.
“Really!” He excitedly said, “I’m glad. I was so nervous to even make the first move—“ He blurted out and smiled, feeling more relieved after the result of his action.
Jeonghan didn’t know what else to say. He knew he wasn’t worthy of Mingyu’s comfort, but he was craving for more of it. The warmth. The gentle touch. Everything.
Jeonghan wanted more from Mingyu, knowing he wasn’t worth it at all.
When Mingyu had finally said his goodbye and left his apartment, Jeonghan was returned to his empty lifeless apartment. His thoughts were eating him up, consuming and devouring the whole. It was like a slow and painful death, suffering alone.
He had returned to his bed, underneath his blankets. The blankets didn’t feel the same as before, not after Mingyu’s touch. He felt cold and lonely, again. Maybe it truly was what he deserved, he must’ve done something bad in his life. When did things go wrong, he wondered. He couldn’t believe in another lie. Another lie that Mingyu tells him. He needs to push him away.
Jeonghan had finally rested his eyes, letting these demons continue these thoughts even in his nightmares.