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Koga has a dream.
Within a fluttering heart and even breaths, his mind staying afloat on the cover of darkness. It crystallizes then shatters, into millions of stars that bask in by-gone light. Fragments of the past shake and turn, till they condense into their original entirety. A "reality" that once existed, a “reality” that was buried, comes into life in him the silent spectator.
His reality.
With a blinding flash of light, Koga finds himself standing before a stage. Dazzling lights shone upon a figure whose face he couldn’t see, yet he had long engraved on every piece of his consciousness. No, Koga didn’t need to see to know that Sakuma Rei was there, confident and beautiful, like a God who made his way on the ground. He moved and danced, he sang and shouted, he laughed and crazed, so human yet no way there, for the sheer existence of his was a miracle.
Crimson eyes like hellfire. Black hair that melts into the darkness.
Koga looked at him, as if mesmerized.
The very moment that his life was taken away from him, for it was devoted to the God of his heart.
But then the light faded, darkness took over, and there- what Koga would like to see revived. He found himself, once again, trapped in his own body, like a ghost that watched over the past with dread and regret. Koga closed his eyes, yet his eyelids insisted on seeing, he uttered some words, yet his mouth stayed silent. His body didn't move on his command - the knowledge pushed him back into his right place. And as if waiting just that, when Koga had sat obediently in a corner, his past self took the first step, then two, and various more hit the ground, resounding in his ears a hurried chant of the pilgrimage. Somehow Koga knew the destined place where his footsteps were seeking, for once, in his mind was nothing but the whereabouts of that person.
Inside the Light Music Club was so dark that the only source of light was from the door he had just opened. He felt himself squinted, hands unwillingly turning the handle, only to submerge the room in complete darkness again. Following a sigh, Koga heard his own voice.
"Are ya gonna be like this forever, Sakuma-senpai?"
No sound ever responded, not now, and not even in the past. His throat dried up at the utter silence, his eyes dropped at the sight of an irrevocable coffin, his hands tensed under the weight of his guitar. Disappointment melted into numbness, hurt mixed with dread, becoming a thorn that tingled his skin. The coffin laid there, an intimidating monster lurking in pitch black, disguising itself under curious eyes, repelling those who dared to trespass. And as if under its spell, Koga’s legs trembled even before he could think of stepping forward. Yet, though discouraged from moving, he could imagine his God, deep into his slumber, lapping on his open wounds to find a sliver of peace among his endless sufferings. Koga wondered if he could, because his heartbeats had stilled and eyes had darkened, from long before he ever fell.
The wolf knew he was scared of the answer, as after a good five minutes of much consideration, he couldn't bring himself to rouse Rei from his tomb. Instead, Koga found his way to the window side and opened one of them. The light was gentle at most, but it seemed like Rei had been too consumed in his own darkness to endure just the littlest sign of life. From the coffin echoed a groan, that of annoyance and disapproval.
"What a bad dog…"
The reproach was loud and clear. Koga's heart couldn't help but jump, but not much of fear rather than delight. He didn't dare to breathe out, as if afraid that Rei would once again fade into oblivion the next. The lid shook and quivered, but much to his excitement, it never sprang open to reveal a much familiar figure. Exasperated, Koga gave up on holding onto lost hope and found his place by the windows, strumming on his guitar as a desperate attempt to hide his disappointment.
The movement he had taken into heart couldn’t have failed him, yet today, it did. On his fingertips a groan rather than a shout resounded, and at every trembling of the strings Koga could hear none but desperation basked in his melody. The guitarist hesitated at the phrase he had just played. After a pause of confusion he continued, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake off that horrible unsteadiness in his creation. His insistence on prolonging the piece gradually brought more pain to his ears rather than some kind of improvement. Not burning fingertips, not even tingling chest, he could feel his soul slip away with every broken, seethed chord. And till his heart was wrenched out too much for him to bear, Koga jolted to stop himself from playing, no sooner than dread began to twirl around in his head.
"That sounds off, Puppy."
His stomach quenched at the thought that Rei was listening, or the thought that he had offered his God a substandard performance at all. He couldn't find his own voice, an excuse would suffix, but even then he didn't know how to defend himself. Koga knew this was not the first time, he had been getting worse and worse, till this day when his playing became unbearable. It made him almost cry - he hadn’t been lazy, he was not capable of laziness, yet these days something had overtaken him, so much that hard work was no longer enough to compensate for its damage. Koga knew what it was, but to put into words the feelings possessing his body right now was a dead-end.
The prolonged silence was clearly not an answer, and Rei had never been a patient one. He groaned languidly. "You have nothing to say? Alright..."
"No! I... I'm sorry..."
It wasn't like Koga to apologize, that Rei knew at least. Even the wolf himself was surprised by his hasty response, as if he had dug a crack on his own mask of an immovable, fervent character. Koga coughed, this time as an attempt to clarify himself, however, Rei could be rather rude at times when the mood set in. The vampire cut off before he could recite any part in his typical yapping.
"No, no need to justify anything. I’m not one to hear of that. There is only one thing that I ask of you. Find consolation elsewhere, this place is taken. Can you be so kind as to leave this corpse alone?"
All of a sudden, sadness crawled through his heart like a disease, Koga's sense went numb at the kind suggestion. The only sound piercing through his ears was that of Rei's tossing and turning, all mashed into a chant from hell. The implications were, however, clear as day, yet Koga couldn’t bear the feelings it sowed in him.
The wolf no longer remembered since when to be exact, for he had lost track of the amount of time he gazed aimlessly at the dull ceiling, lost count of the many times he tried to strike a conversation to no avail, and especially lost his mind to the boredom draped over the air. For Koga it was days and weeks that felt like millennia of silent sufferings, yet here was Rei - the core of all his endurance, dismissing them all as a child’s play. If he could descend himself into hell right now, Koga felt like it would make him feel even better than being at the receiving end of Rei’s ignorance.
"What are you talking about? Sakuma-senpai, aren't I here to console you?-"
Utter silence followed, until a crude response broke it.
"Oh? I didn't know that?"
Rei roused from his lair, perfect and unscarred, as if the numerous images Koga projected in his little head had been nothing but a far-fetched dream. But bleeding heart didn't lie, dead eyes didn't lie. The scarlet in his eyes had darkened and deepened, till it became so dull a shade that no emotion could be seen, nor the fire that had once resided there. Rei slowly approached him, yet Koga found himself flinching at his languid footsteps. Tears welled up in the corner of his eyes, for the realization that the God in his heart was no more. Koga found his lungs filled with breath, that of terror and pain, before this very being whose aura could kill.
Eventually Rei drew him against the wall, his silhouette towering over Koga’s trembling figure. But much to his anticipation, what welcomed him was not hell nor death. He felt first a stream of warmth on his head, then an outburst of sudden affection followed. Rei wrapped his hands around Koga, embracing him in a tight hug. Terror quickly turned into a pleasant surprise, but not like he was going to admit that. “W-what the hell?! Are ya out of your mind?!!”
The remark made Rei snicker. “Oh come on~ Don’t you enjoy this Puppy? Here~ lemme pat you good~”
With that Rei’s hands began to travel all around Koga’s hair. The wolf trembled at the gentle sensation on his scalp, his body quivered under the butterfly touches. Koga was fighting so hard against the urge to lean into this stupid petting, but Rei’s hoarse, alluring giggles certainly did him no good. His legs grew weaker and weaker, then greed took over him and in a moment of self-indulgence, he actually reciprocated the hug. Koga clutched tightly on Rei’s back, the uniform wrinkling against the contact, yet he couldn’t care less when all that occupied his mind now was the feelings of Rei against him, fulfilling and intimate. And suddenly he felt much better, as vision brightened and heart no longer so heavy, Koga finally had this satisfaction akin to salvation invaded his chest.
In a moment Koga really thought that Rei was fine.
But the hug faded as fast as it came. When Rei slowly retreated, Koga held on, just for a second before realization hit him and he himself was conscious of his own action. Much to his embarrassment, he let go of Rei, and never before grew more aware of the cold that had been surrounding him. Koga looked up as if to find some kind of comfort in Rei, but instead was startled when what gazed back at him was the same lifeless puddle of blood on the ivory skin.
He was at a loss, yet awakened, to the one and only reality that was Rei’s downfall.
His disappointment must have sipped through his eyes, for Rei’s curled lips soon settled to a dipped line. His eyes searched for something from Koga, gazes intense like a snake crawling all over its prey. Koga didn't know what he had to offer, to escape this hunt the result of which was more or less decided. His numbing eyes could only stare back at Rei, puzzled by this stranger who put on the face of his God. Had he ever felt so deadly, strange, and lifeless?
He didn't know anymore.
“Why look so sad? Isn’t that what you want?”
Of course Rei had to be the one to speak up first. But this time, Koga could only take in a grave deep voice that seemed to bear no warmth, much less intimacy. He could hear himself sulk. “I’m not here for myself, I’m here for you.”
“... I don’t really understand what you mean. Ain’t I perfectly fine?”
“Sakuma-senpai!” Koga raised his voice, as he could keep it in no more and all his cowardice was consumed by desperation. “Ya don’t understand? Then lemme tell ya. Ya ain’t fine, not in the slightest. Don’t ya realize how much time had passed since the last time ya got out of that coffin?? Two days for fuck’s sake!! I really thought that ya would die there!! When will ya finally stop pretendin’ like a goody-two-shoes and just admit that ya felt like shit?!! Don’t treat me like a pet that wags its tail at the littlest gesture of friendliness, and don’t try to scare me away with your half-ass pretense! Ya should know better than anyone how much I adore ya!-”
"That's enough."
Rei turned, for Koga to meet with his back.
"W-what?"
"Keep doing what you like, you're not gonna see what you want anyway."
The only sound remained in his head was that of a dream, shattering into pieces.
__________
His room was still as he remembered it, except more vacant and lifeless. The first few weeks of his moving, Koga realized - his beloved companion was nowhere to be seen. In him there was still a tinge of jealousy, simmering down over time but never stopping ablaze. It was pathetic, he knew, but he had been there and now returned. The cause of his life felt ever meaningless, the blood coursing through his veins felt ever cold. He was possessed, once, but the ghost in him had left his body, leaving behind a corrupted corpse that was no better than its former self. The present and the past reconciled in a wretched soul, and what was left was simply a blank mass.
Koga went about his life as normally. After all, tasteless meals and uneasy sleep had always been the norm since the first day of his independent life. He remembered his dad’s worried gaze, his mom’s choked voice, and his own cursory nods in the moment of their parting. Koga’s little resentment once brushed them off as unnecessary, yet one took time to calm down, and lonesomeness gave him more than enough. On sleepless nights, added to his regret was his hands that hadn’t reached theirs, his throat that hadn’t muttered out any reassurance, and their warmth he hadn’t asked to be shared. Regret - regret was there but never meant to be alleviated, at least not when these sinful feelings were still attached to him, and he himself still couldn’t think of an apology, nor a confession.
Nighttime finally came once he felt his attempt at getting to sleep was useless enough, and like a creature of habit he was, Koga reached for his beloved guitar. The only stroke of paint amidst his monochromatic reality, also the reason why he chose this path in the first place, was his undying passion for music. Because no matter how tethered he might be, the creation taking shape under his fingertips never betrayed him. Practice was different, guitar was different, Koga entrusted them with all his souls… yet today, even that little escape way sounded weirdly sorrowful.
Every chord lost its intensity, every phrase wailed in melancholy. The first piece and his hands already shook.
His calloused, scarred and bandaged hands - began to shake.
His eyes hot and wet, his breath quickened and heavy, his voice roaring with desperation.
"Why? Why? Just why?!!"
He covered his face with shaking hands. Both hurt, everything hurt. His body was no longer his, his soul was no longer his, and now - even his pride is beginning to diminish. Koga had tried, desperately, to not let it die alongside his God. But even that attempt was pointless, no? Koga had rejected it, and still was, but it would always be there, in the back of his mind - a past, a reality, a belief.
Gods always walked the Earth with an embodiment. And for him and him only, his God was there with his guitar, strings straight and resilient, board dark and firm. An everlasting figure, imprinting in his mind forever a transcendental being. Rei was far away, sacred and omnipotent in his own realm. He hung the stars on the sky, cast light on those blinded with boredom, and awakened them from their death.
For Koga Oogami, for that little fool in the past, his heart never beat so fast, his soul never shook so hard. Inside him a fire had been set, one that ravaged him as a corpse and recreated him from its ashes. His fear of what awaited became the eagerness to live his future, or to be exact, Koga felt like he had never truly lived until that moment. Every fragment of his past turned out to be so irrelevant compared to the second he set eyes on the God of his life, for he was finally reborn from the shell of a human, for his existence was finally given a meaning, and for his heart finally stirred that tide of love he had always heard of but never felt.
Rei had saved him, definitely so.
His God, his sun, his savior.
Koga’s soul had been aching for him ever since he was graced by his existence.
But- Oh, how foolish he was...
for a god with flesh and bone was just a human.
With these very eyes that had been blinded by the divine glow of an otherworldly being, Koga had seen it - Rei's downfall. His God, tethered and broken, never seemed so true, so near, out of his throne and off his pedestal, as if to wake Koga up from his lovely dream. A truth truer than reality itself, dawned on him the outsider of a tragedy.
God was merely a lie...
Beyond sadness and disillusionment, Koga couldn’t find it in himself to detest the liar. He looked at the shadow of a former God and wondered, deep inside, who had made this human into an invincible deity? And how heartbreaking it was, to realize that not Rei, but Koga, his admirer, had to pay the price for his demise. Since even before he could acknowledge it, the one who sang and danced with him on the stage that day had borne eyes akin those of the dead, and body lifeless as if of a corpse. But Koga- Koga was just there, being the fool he ever was. He was no better than all and sundry, imposing his ideals on the God of this world, expecting that being to become exactly like he wanted, and subjecting him to soul-crushing sacrifice under the guise of a detestable monster - All without ever laying eyes on his wants and needs.
The fire inside Koga was once again ablaze, ravaging every thought of his in its wake. He realized he was being angry, at his God, at this world, at himself, at anything that had made his dream-like reality into hell, for now Koga couldn't even sing, for now Koga couldn't even play his music, for now Koga couldn't even smile.
One and two, then various droplets of tears fell on the dark surface of Rei's guitar. It gazed back at him, and Koga wondered since when its intimidating shade had turned pale and its tough form had waned. The reality that Koga held oh-so-dear to his heart felt no better than a tragi-comedic play. Distorted yet no less ridiculous, for his day of doom was merely a twist of fate.
The fate of a believer whose ideals took roots in vanity.
...
Koga looked at himself in the mirror.
The figure reflected on it was a stranger of whom he knew nothing. The tint of light inside those eyes blackened, the smile once adorned that face dwindled, the hair on the lean neck tingled. Koga looked at him, and in him a tinge of hatred harbored towards this little fool - the little fool who scraped his heart out, the little fool who tried in vain, the little fool who couldn't save the one he held the dearest.
Then what was your use of living?
These eyes that had been lightened up by Rei, this smile that had been for him to see, this hair that had been grown out of love for him - Yes, there was no use of all those things anymore, as his God had died, and he himself was dying.
The scissors in his hand couldn't feel lighter, as his heart had drifted away from his numbing sense. A sharp cut, of an admiration that had been disappointed, a belief that had been betrayed, a love that was no more, echoed in his ears his damnation into hell.
That night Koga discarded his old self, but didn't know how he would live on without being a him whose world revolved around Rei.
__________
Koga found himself following Rei's order.
He had lost count of the days he spent guarding by Rei's remains, nor could he remember the last time he wandered so aimlessly but not to search for him. Koga wondered, if he could ever step back in time, what he would say to that wild dog whose future had been ravished by a man he met in a moment of distress. But no words came out - because as much as Koga couldn't stop himself from endless pursuit now, he couldn't simply tell his past self to never meddle with things out of his reach.
As his body took him to every corner of the street, as he passed by the masses of the surrounding world, as his mind drifted out to numbness, in front of him, the entrance to a familiar livehouse already showed itself. Somehow Koga knew he would always return to this place, not even his small flat, not even his house miles away, his heart always longed for it like a devout follower to his temple, but now Koga could only see the ridicule in that burning desire. What for? If his own God had already forsaken him.
"Oh? It's you again~ Wan-chan, do you want to perform today?" Kaoru appeared behind Koga like a ghost, all the while giving his warm welcome. The sheer thought of the blonde’s flirtatious smile got on Koga’s nerves.
"Quit it, you're blocking my way." said the wolf, grumpily.
Even the familiar face of the playboy he had known for some time seemed to irritate Koga. He had hated those eyes of his, once, when they were still so aimless and bored and... tired. It was just like how his had been, and Koga here simply detested his past self so much that even the faintest reminder of it could tick him off. But not like any of that mattered now, because Kaoru was up and about, and Koga was dying over here. He stayed silent as Kaoru looked at him with curiosity. The fact that Koga didn't even have the zeal to yap at him as usual must have aroused something in him. Kaoru smiled knowingly as he led Koga inside, trying to strike a conversation though no one welcomed it.
"I thought you wouldn't come~ Look, it has become quite deserted here.” Koga darted his head. The usual crowds had been replaced by an eerie silence of the remaining guests, all having a wary look on their faces. Suddenly Kaoru stopped in his tracks, making Koga bump into the figure before him. “My business is in shambles, its main attraction is no longer here, and it has received much criticism from the Academy. I have tried every way possible, but the situation doesn’t seem to improve at all. It’s quite disappointing to see the regulars showing concern for this place, you know?~ Every now and then they would ask if I could do something- In fact they specifically asked me once if I could bring back Sakuma-san…”
“Isn’t it sad? I refuse to believe that there is no other reason for them to come here if not to see him, but apparently that is it. Yep- you know the answer. I can’t even contact him, much less make a request. If I'm being honest here, this place won't last for another month at this rate."
As Kaoru finished with his grievance, he turned around to meet with a much displeased wolf. Koga had to scowl at all those unnecessary details, but no sooner than he raised his voice did another familiar face show up. Adonis approached them from his seat by the bar. An eye-catching person like him should not have been able to go unnoticed, but he somehow always managed to. Koga darted his eyes, left and right between these two next-to-strangers who just had to appear out of nowhere and mess with him. Couldn't his life screw up enough?
"What now? Are you guys trying to draw me out in a dark alley and beat me up or sum' thin’?"
At Koga’s wild accusations, Kaoru couldn't hold his laughter. "Oh~ Wan-chan, aren't you a funny guy? Violence is forbidden here. You must have come to this place often enough to know that, right? And Adodo here is a good boy. If I even try to, he will most likely beat the hell out of me~"
The big guy whose name was mispronounced showed no sign of being offended, Adonis only nodded, voice calm and firm. "Hakaze-senpai, my name is Adonis, please remember that. Oogami, rest assured that I will never do such a thing. My strength is only for protecting people."
Koga could feel his head throbbing just looking at these idiots' display. He just had no strength left to shout at their faces to rid themselves of his sight. One is enough, but here is another. If he had to be around these guys for one more second, Koga was so certain that he would go nuts. He huffed and turned to the entrance, every time his feet hit the ground heavier than the last. However, Kaoru, cunning as he was, knew all too well how to tame an untamed wolf. He hummed, words fell out of his lips felt like poison.
"UNDEAD, does it ring a bell to you?"
The name really made Koga stop dead in his tracks. It was familiar, yet so strange to the ear. The entirety of its meaning only sank in after what felt like eternity. His creation, abandoned and crushed under days of sorrow, now was revived on the lips of the most unexpected one ever. Koga turned his head to meet two smiling faces, for reasons unknown he felt like they had one or two schemes under their sleeves.
"... What to do with it?"
The gaze Kaoru landed on him was that of amusement. "No, of course I have nothing to do with it. But today when Dodonis paid a visit, I happened to tell him about the poor state of this place. He is a stubborn boy, yet a kind one at that. He suggested we hold a live performance for the revival of this place~ Believe me when I say I’m not too fond of the idea myself, but as the manager, I couldn't help but give it a thought, no?"
Kaoru's suggestive smile gave away all of his intentions. UNDEAD - as a new attraction for him to bring in customers. It was surely a convenient plan for him, even more so when he knew all too well how much Koga treasured it. However-
"No."
His timing was just bad. The sheer mentioning of that name dug a thorn in Koga's heart, which was already bleeding from before he ever came to this place. Kaoru, surprisingly, didn't turn a hair at the outright refusal. He gave Koga a reassuring pat on the back before bidding his farewell.
"Don't answer so fast. Think it through, you may have second thoughts about it, but don't be too slow~ My business could actually collapse before you ever gave me an answer."
With that his figure faded behind the bar. There left Koga and Adonis, staring at each other as if in a contest. Koga couldn't say that they got on well, they practiced together at times and performed side-by-side at others - and that was it. Koga waited and waited, for Adonis to say something, until it became so pointless that he once again retreated himself out of the livehouse.
"Oogami, wait-" A voice held him back. Adonis grabbed him by the shoulder, not too strong, but firm enough to make him wince. The good guy apologized right after. "Oh- Sorry. Did it hurt?"
The guilt on Adonis' face made all the scolding stuck in his throat. Koga squashed him aside, grunting as Adonis gestured to sit with him by the counter. Only when his irritation had died down did Koga’s attention shift towards his surroundings. Kaoru was right- the usually crowded stage was deprived of its hype and enthusiastic cheering, the lights were dim and cold, and most bottles of various beverages on the shelves had gathered dust. It was a poor imitation of its golden days, and he couldn't help but feel like it was a reflection of his soul right now - empty and boring, as if every life force sucked out of its source. His temple was falling, much like his beliefs, but no matter how regretful he was - what was the point of reviving an old name if its purposes could not be served?
UNDEAD was created for that man, and if he were to die, then there was simply no need to hang on to it.
"So- what is your deal?"
Between them there was an ice that couldn't be broken. Adonis looked as if he had picked up on Koga's mental state, eye darting everywhere yet never at citrine irises. It was suffocating for both of them, and Koga had already regretted his decision to stay with this guy just a bit longer. Even "a bit" was eternal now, for one moment in and they were already this awkward. But Adonis here, per usual, was a good kid, and a good kid never responded with silence.
"- Well, Oogami, did something upset you?"
Koga rolled his eyes. Of course it had to be that. Koga was easy to read - he knew, yet it was still frustrating how his feelings were always there for the world to peek in - or was it a merit? After all, that one guy who hid his true self just ended up in shambles.
The thought made Koga sigh - he really had to stop relating everything to him.
"Even if there is, it has nothing to do with-" The next syllables couldn’t get out of his tongue. From the corner of his eyes Koga could see Adonis' imaginary ears dropped at the alusion, and the feelings of words stuck up together returned. Out of a weird sense of self-consciousness, he had to correct himself. "You won't understand anyway. It was my own problem, so I simply had to find ways around it myself."
His attempt to drive the poor guy away just made Adonis raise an eyebrow at it. "Everyone has their problems all the time, right? I think there is nothing wrong with asking for help, especially when it is something you are particularly not good at… By the way, nice hair, Oogami, but it seems like it needs some more trimming."
A compliment accompanied by a suggestion was more often than not a periphrastic way to express a disapproval, but when it came out of Adonis's mouth, the good kid actually made it sound genuine enough for Koga to believe that what he did on the spur of the moment was actually "something". He didn’t mind the small talk, for him the shortened hair was not even a sensitive topic. Koga always did what he thought to be right, and all the same he held no regrets towards his past self. Instead, Adonis’ innocent remark managed to bring a smile to Koga's face. "Ha! Of course I’m the coolest, but ya better not mockin’ me, or I’ll make ya regret it!”
Adonis shook his head at the implications. Just for a little, but Koga could actually feel more at ease, as if he had finally found an excuse to indulge in some little peace of mind, momentarily, but at least away from anguish and self-doubt.
The next few minutes they spent together was more relaxed. Adonis, per usual, bombarded Koga with his boundless curiosity about the land he had chosen to settle in, and although he was no expert, Koga tried his best to explain to the foreigner the most mundane things ever during his lifetime as a Japanese. Their chattering slowly became the only evident sound in the livehouse amidst an air of muffled whispering. The guests turned their heads towards them a few times, but the two boys were too immersed in their conversation to care. Time and time again Adonis would change the topic back to Koga’s interests to keep their talk going, to which the wolf responded with all his knowledge about rock and guitar. Only after some good laughs and little quarrels did they finally stop for a moment of silence to set in. This time, Adonis selected his words before continuing.
"Well- back to my question, what I'm saying is that I hope you can disclose some more to me. I don’t mean to intrude, and I may not be able to help you in the best way out there, but I will make sure that you have someone to rely on. You have helped me a lot, both on and off stage, so, can you give me a chance to repay you for all you have done?"
Adonis' pure eyes melted something inside Koga. And for once in his endless days of self-hatred, he finally found something he could call "reassurance". Koga was a lone wolf, but towards this guy’s compassion, maybe it was not that bad to break his character for a bit…
"It is- trivial, really. It is just that I have been doubtin’ myself for a while now. My life, goals, and even my own belief - all of a sudden they seem so ridiculous. They- they are fallin’ apart, and I just don't know how to reconnect them..."
Though, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop once he started.
“I have this one person - whom I looked up to very much. My admiration- no, more like idolatry - is so great that I was willing to follow him for life. Why? I guess because he appeared before me in my darkest days, and my boyish mind couldn’t help but worship this one who had enlightened me to my life passion. In fact - I still do, but ya know what? I had just learnt, very recently, that he was not so happy as he seemed. I was there but couldn’t help him- heck, I couldn’t even notice that he was aggrieved… One day, he fell, and it just- fuck me up so badly that I couldn’t put it into words. It would be a lie to say that I’m not disappointed. I am, no matter how selfish it may seem, I’m angry at him for giving up. But- even more so at myself who hadn’t done anything to cheer him on, nothing… until it was too late.”
"Hey- have ya ever felt like all your efforts are in vain?- I think it's like that, yet, not really. Something even deeper inside me has broken, and the whole of me was consumed by that same feelings of loss. I want to make it new, yet couldn't help but yearn to hold on its remnants. But- in both scenarios, I could feel fear leakin’ from every fibre of my flesh. I'm scared of the future, Adonis... I don't know where to go. I have chosen once, but even that choice is wailin’, and now it feels as if I could never ever choose it right. The path that I took, the future that I dreamed of, in one way or another, it has been reached, but I- it wasn't what I looked for..."
"I just... don't know what I really want anymore."
The sudden disclosure must have taken Adonis aback. There was silence following Koga's confession. This livehouse was not a church, and Adonis was no priest, but Koga felt as if he had been a sinner in the dark confessional, awaiting God's final verdict. Every cell in him was screaming for mercy, yet a part inside was still so stubborn to hold on and listen to what his friend had to say.
"Please be gentle with me." was his only wish when Adonis finally spoke up.
"See? It's not that hard to express yourself, right?"
Koga blinked, once, then twice, eyes wide and just yet persuaded by his ears. However, Adonis was just sitting there, a small smile adorning his face. Koga's heart, which was hung on a string seconds before, suddenly couldn't feel lighter.
"It sounds complicated, but Oogami, I think the problem is much simpler than what you imagined.”
“You have chosen once, with a wish crystal clear in your mind at that time. If it didn't turn out like how you thought it should be, then it is simply because you haven't reached it yet.
What I'm trying to say is that- It's not the end yet, Oogami. What you're experiencing right now is just an obstacle on the way, a much larger, more diverted path. You're just being lost on the way to get there, and of course nowhere near the end. Even if you are doubting your original wish, thinking that it is not satisfactory enough, then why don't you think big and make it even more grand? You don't want to lose the old, yet you want to create the new. Can't you just- embrace both?
In fact, I don’t think that you’re even being selfish. Selfish ones don’t sympathize with others, but the way you put it sounds as if you have bound every thought and feelings of yours to him. And to become one with somebody else is to give up on your ability to be selfish, for from now on every step you take, you will think more of him rather than just you and you alone. There’s nothing wrong with being greedy, to be exact. Be greedy, Oogami, for his part as well, and don't give up till you, and he, are entirely, completely satisfied.
Life itself is an endless chase for happiness. You can be disheartened at times, you can be strayed at others, but the prospects of happiness are worthy of it all. Not everyone can endure all the pain to reach that, but if it's you, Oogami, I have faith in you. Something inside tells me that you can still rise, far and wide, and in your way you will sweep more and more people off their feet into your realm. I myself have been persuaded, and I hope for more to be. Perhaps- even that person…”
“... Easier said than done. You’re all words.”
“I don’t think you’re the type to back down when encountering a challenge.”
“Then what if I fail?...”
“Better than nothing.”
“... Nothing means that he is gonna die, right?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t just let him, right?”
“Yes.”
“He still has a responsibility to take.”
“... Uhm, yes?”
“He can’t die till I allow him to.”
“...”
Adonis was gradually baffled by the spontaneous inquiries, yet all the more surprised when Koga suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders and shook them like crazy. The wolf had been moved, no, shaken by the answers that he had been looking so long for. When Koga raised his chin up to face Adonis again, before the boy was his ever confident and fearless friend. The sight of dazzling citrine irises and sharp exposed fangs was contagious, as Adonis found himself smiling as well, his mind at ease now that the guitarist he knew had returned. Koga yelled, his boisterous cheers attracted the few customers left in the livehouse.
"Adonis, ya a genius!!! Yes! Why haven't I thought about that?!! I could just become the new God of this world!!!"
Adonis' face fell a little at his friend's exclamation, but didn't dare stop smiling as a much excited wolf was looking at him in search of unanimity. A burst of laughter, however, instantly penetrated their private space and broke Koga's delirium. Kaoru appeared from the darker side of the bar, two glasses of freshly-made tomato juice shaking at his trembling hands. His body swayed left and right in its rupture of laughter before positioning the beverages safely on the counter, but his hands couldn't be put into rest. No sooner than the juice hit the dark surface than he snatched Koga off and ruffled his hair like crazy.
"Good boy, good boy~ Ain't you an interesting little dog? Hahaha~"
"Argh!! You playboy! I'm not a dog!! Fuck off!!"
At Koga's yapping Kaoru finally got a hold of his actions. The realization that he had broken his ridiculous rule of "no touching boys'' made him quickly retreat from Koga's side. Kaoru coughed to hide his embarrassment, but a tint of amusement still twinkled in his eyes. "Sakuma-san really has sharp eyes~ I knew there was something in you when he first approached you years ago. He usually wouldn't get close to those he is not familiar with, you know?~ Yet he snatched your drink and said all those cheesy pick-up lines. It must be because of this. Hahaha~"
Kaoru's casual comment made Adonis puzzled, and Koga gasp in disbelief. The wolf certainly didn't expect him to witness, not alone remember that fleeting moment from what? - two years ago. Now it was Koga's turn to blush uncontrollably. It was his deepest, darkest secret - one he was the most unwilling to tell anyone.
"You! Argh- Forget it! I will bribe you out of it another time. Hey! You playboy! The earlier offer is still valid, right?"
Kaoru nodded while maintaining a what Koga felt was a mischievous smile. From exactly which part did he listen in to their conversation? Not like it mattered, what mattered was that Koga's zeal had returned and he wanted to perform. He didn't mind falling into the trap of a cunning manager. Koga might not be smart, but he had his own way to deal with things.
"A'ight, ya gonna perform with us. We, as UNDEAD, and that vampire bastard as well. Just wait and see!! I’m gonna dig him up from the ground!"
Koga left from the entrance, voice still echoing inside the limited space of the livehouse. Much to the customers' bewilderment, Kaoru couldn't help himself from laughing like a mad man at the whole ordeal. He patted Adonis by the shoulders - an encouragement, the younger boy realized.
"Good job, now my business can surely survive and thrive~ Well, of course I'm not too pleased with the fact that I'm also robbed into this, but I guess I have no other choice. Don't you look forward to it?"
Adonis happily nodded. "I believe in Oogami, but before that, I think I should take him to my sister's place. He has a handsome face, but it will go to waste anyway if he doesn't make the best of it."
At Adonis' much innocent suggestion, Kaoru couldn't help another burst of laughter roaring in his stomach. "Gosh- Seriously, you guys are hilarious. Things are getting more and more interesting- Maybe it's not that bad being in a unit? Just kidding~"
__________
Koga had never run so fast. His chest hurt at the motion, his legs ached every time they stomped down at the surface, but Koga didn't want to stop. He was back in the chase, more motivated and eager than ever to shout out to the world his one and only exclamation of fearlessness. Koga could feel breath gushing out of his lungs, as if he was going to pass out the next second, but his brain had never been clearer, his eyes never shone brighter. At the end of the road he was chasing, he could see the so-called ultimate happiness awaiting - a priceless prize that he couldn't even think of in his wildest dream.
In him a vision was taking shape. No longer Rei and Rei alone, but four figures, bathing in the dazzling lights of the stage, confidently singing their hearts out, showing themselves for the world to see. It was mind-blowing, tempting and even sickening - how the future could unfold in that exact way, how he himself could make that happen. With these own hands that had tethered, with this own heart that had broken, nothing could come in his way anymore, for he had been awakened, at that very moment.
The surrounding world slowly twisted, spinned round and round until it became the scenario of that day. Before him was Sakuma Rei - a God high and mighty on his own pedestal, but Oogami Koga was no longer a fool. Did he think that Koga would be on his knees? Did he think that Koga would once again watch from afar? Did he think, in that arrogant mind of his, that Koga would be scared away, like all those fools who had been blinded by his disguise?
Wrong wrong wrong, because that little dog had now learnt to be greedy. Koga wanted even more than a fleeting tease, even more than a guitar as a token of pity, even more than a once-in-a-lifetime performance of a temporary unit. He had wanted, for a long time, to be by Sakuma Rei's side, forever and ever, but now his want was limitless.
Koga would snatch that God away from this world, would engulf his entire being, and consume him whole before the world could ever forget. In him would live a God - one that never existed, yet had once been there in his mind. So what if Sakuma Rei was a lie? So what if he had died? No, Koga would spend, months and years and the rest of his life to come, to prove that he had once walked this Earth, and that he would one day return even more formidable and radiant. Though his flesh was decomposing, though his bone was rotting, what still lived was Koga - mind already possessed by his ghost, body already taken away by his aura, then through him the world would see - a long-gone God, a divine apparition, a reborn of untold wonder.
Koga wouldn't reject the past, the present nor the future, for he wanted to treasure them all. He would carry with him a figure he much admired, live in commemoration of it, and use its power to lead his way ahead. In the back of his mind Koga knew he was nothing, but if he wouldn't then who would? He couldn't trust his God's remains with this world which had beheaded him, nor could he let his corpse become one with the dead. Hell was too cold and unforgiving for a human so kind and gentle like Rei. Yet everywhere Koga thought of, there was just no place on the ground where Rei could be treated commensurately with his brilliance.
If so, if so, then Koga himself would treat him right, for a God who walked among the mortals, deserved to love and be loved like the mortals.
He was trembling from his greed, he was scared of the little power he had, yet Koga was still daring enough to say such a thing.
Because there was nothing more fearful than Rei's absence from his life.
Koga's wish had stemmed from idolatry, grown because of love, and now flourished out of fear - the fear to lose, to never live and love again, so great that could turn itself into motivation. Not to be with but side by side, not just Sakuma Rei but a happy, contented Rei - this wish Koga would not pray to that man, as from this moment on he would become his own God.
Rei had saved him, definitely so.
Then would he let Koga save him in return?
As Koga barged into the schoolground, rushed to the familiar clubroom, and sprang the door open, he already knew that "No" was not an option.
Oogami Koga had decided - for his entire lifetime - No, even in the after-life, that he would love this man. And because to love was to give, he didn't need Rei's approval to save him. Just that and in Koga born a force that pushed him forward, surpassing doubt and reluctance, transcending life and death, to awaken Rei from his slumber.
He would not wait anymore…
"Don't go dyin' on your own!! Live with us, you vampire bastard!"
for he wanted Rei to reach that happiness with him.
__________
"Rei-kun, Rei-kun, look, Wan-chan is grinning so sweetly~ What could he be dreaming about I suppose?"
The inn is dimly lit. UNDEAD has just finished their last concert in their national tour, and now the juniors have flaked out because of exhaustion. Rei turns to Koga's side at Kaoru's happy sing-song, the corner of his lips can’t help but curl up at the sight of his lover, all tender and soft, snoozing away his tiredness from the day. The urge to kiss him escapes from Rei's restraint, and before he knows it, his body already tilts down and lips already land on cheeks that are blushing so cutely, which inflicts a loud scowl from Kaoru.
"Gosh- can't you at least wait till I turn around? Youngsters these days are shameless ain't they?"
"Hakaze-senpai, I agree with you. Although I'm happy that Oogami and Sakuma-senpai are getting on well, they should have better perception of private space at times."
The sudden voice startles Kaoru. Adonis is there, eyes wide and composure steady behind him. Like the silent kid he always is, his waking up slips past everyone’s notice till he raises his voice. Kaoru can feel that weird sense of déjà vu raising in his chest, but he doesn't have time to think about it, not when much to his dismay, Rei is still insistent on his affectionate display with Koga, and Koga himself is subconsciously smiling even giddier!
"Urgh- Adonis, come, I don't think that vampire is listening to us. This room is not for four anymore, want to grab some drink?"
It seems like Adonis' brain has stopped processing at the scene before him. Kaoru waits patiently for a grudging nod from the younger boy before yanking him out of the room. His partner's attitude makes Rei burst into laughter. He doesn't think that it will actually scare them away. To him, it feels- natural, to be close to Koga, or to love him altogether. Rei is always confident that he has a hold of his true desire, but he guesses they have been away for too long a time for him to resist his lover's charm.
Rei teases with Koga's snoozing nose and snickers at the little squint of his eyes. His lover's chest rises and falls, tempting enough for Rei to get into the mattress and hug him tightly. It has been what?- two weeks since his last petty fight with Leon to decide which one gets to nuzzle in Koga's chest. The result is unclear, as it always turns out to be them tangling up together. Rei in Koga's arms or the other way around, and Leon in between them. But for tonight only, he can finally take the advantage of being his lover and have Koga all for himself.
Rei giddily thinks as he curls up into a bunch to get into his lover's hug. The rustling unintentionally wakes Koga up from his slumber. Dreamy eyes land firstly on a childlike vampire underneath him, all needy and adorable, then squint with a tint of annoyance. Rei really expects some scolding the next, he does, but the wolf just tightens his grasp around Rei's body and proceeds to shower him with affection.
By affection, it is actually more like worship. Rei can feel those citrine irises on him, intently and thoroughly, taking in every bit of him as if lapping on his figure. Small kisses trace around his face, gentle touches set fire on his skin. Rei may say that he doesn't know this person, but only Koga knows how he is putting on display his bare self. His mind is all muzzy, his heart is all shaky, yet he has never felt more honest and real, as if his usual self is just a guise to hide away a boy who has always been so madly in love. In fact Koga doesn't even recognize which reality he is in. Is he still dreaming? Or has he woken up from his past? None of that matters, none of that matters- since as long as he can still catch sight of a pair of ruby and wavy black hair, Koga can still confidently love this one before him.
"Sakuma-senpai." Koga whispers among his kisses. "Are you happy?"
Ever since Rei first laid eyes on a lonesome little boy by the bar, he has known they were made of the same soul. Till this day he still remembers that figure, forlorn and sorrowful - someone whose innermost gravitates Rei towards him. His likeness, yet so essentially different. It's been years, but Rei knows, from long ago, that he will never get used to Koga's love. It can be a subtle stream of little care, but can also turn itself into a sudden tide of vigorous adoration. Abrupt, forceful, yet Rei can never feel it with anything but contentment and happiness. This pure feeling of someone is more than what he ever asked for, but because Rei has had a taste of it, he finds his soul bound to it for life. The vampire slowly raises, carefully enough as to still let Koga pour out his love, and gently hug the wolf back from above.
In his arms there is happiness, in his arms there is Koga.
"I am... My dear Koga, I am... I have always been with you by my side."
On Rei's shoulder, is a wish that has been materialized, a promise that has been fulfilled, a happiness that has been reached. Rei is not the one to feel all those things, but a gentle smile makes his skin tingle.
Koga drifts back to sleep, this time, dreamless.