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The first thing Toji felt was fear. Her fear that was consuming her by the minute. More and more. It was as if he could see the oppressive anxiety settling on her narrow shoulders. Saw how pale her lips had turned and how thin her hands had become in just a couple weeks. The realization made him involuntarily pick at the bridge beam with his thumb, running the same thought over and over in his head. Over and over.
What was she thinking? What was that beautiful woman thinking?
He swallowed. He saw her here every night on his return home. Almost exactly the same time. Seven-plus evenings. He marveled every time as to why on earth she was sitting here. Every night. At the same time. And most of all, why did he stay here? Why did he stare at her, unconsciously holding his breath, as if afraid to scare her away? He didn't know. He preferred not to think about it, and only once again held his breath.
Nevertheless, he knew her. He'd seen her more than once. Whether it was the grocery store, a café, or an evening stroll. He'd never spoken to her, but he'd heard her voice was beautiful. Soft and quiet, the kind people sing lullabies to babies with. He wanted to listen to it over and over again and maybe then he would finally be able to sleep.
He shuddered for a moment, distracted from his thoughts. The woman shuddered, involuntarily trying to hide her hands deeper in the sleeves of her sweatshirt. It was getting darker, it was getting closer to nightfall, and in a couple of weeks another cold winter would return, blanketing Tokyo in a white veil, forcing her to bury her nose into her knitted scarf in the hope of keeping warm.
Toji took his time exhaling a cloud of smoke from his mouth, looking at his slightly flushed hands. He had never been afraid of the cold, but he had never liked it either. Just got used to this eternal winter. Used to warming himself.
Suddenly his hand slid leisurely along the bridge railing, and his gaze darted away. His cheeks flushed slightly. He began to cautiously descend the wooden stairs, feeling the pounding of his heart ringing in his ears.
Hump-thump. Hump-thump.
The woman didn't even turn around to look at him, immersed in her own thoughts, and he froze in place, trying to stifle the muffled murmur in his chest. He fought the urge to reach a hand slightly forward to touch her hair. What a jerk, wasn't he?
Suddenly, he made up his mind.
"Aren't you lonely here alone?" He said the first thing that came to mind. Probably sounds suspicious. Strange at the very least. He rubbed his index finger weakly with his thumb, clenching his jaw a little.
The woman shuddered, and Toji saw the back of her exposed neck goosebumps for a moment. She turned around a little, looking at the stranger, and seemed to calm down a little and smiled weakly.
"Oh, it's you. I've seen you a couple of times," she turned away again and raised her head upwards, looking at the stars, surrounded by a dark veil that swallowed the vast sky more and more with each passing minute. "but we never talked, if I remember correctly. I'm sorry if I'm wrong. Aren't you lonely yourself? It's late, and it's getting colder these days," she said wistfully, as if she missed the heat of summer. Soft and kind like children's books.
And Toji froze for a moment, not knowing whether it was the unexpected question or the woman's voice that sent shivers down his spine. If he had the chance, it would be the only thing he listened to instead of the hum of birds and the noise of Tokyo cars in the morning. Hump-thump. Hump-thump.
He was silent for a while, unconsciously listening to his own breathing.
"No," he said quietly, not recognising his own voice, "No, I'm not lonely. I'm just bored."
When had he not been alone to feel that loneliness? To see that contrast? Had he ever been truly alone?
"As for me, I guess I'm..." she took a deep breath, placing a hand on her heaving chest. "lonely. Just a little bit, but lonely." She said it sadly, almost desperately, but still calmly, and Toji couldn't contain his surprise, eyes wide for a moment and eyebrows raised slightly upward, though he didn't know why he should be surprised. It was normal to feel bad, but not for her. He didn't want to admit that she was lonely too.
"Would you like to stand here with me if you're bored alone?" Her voice sounded suddenly cheerful, as if after a couple of cups of coffee at the end of a summer workday. Toji's heart skipped a beat. One, and then a second, unravelling all the butterflies in his stomach that had been slumbering before. "I don't insist, if you don't want to..."
"I want to," it came out of his mouth, as if it were something natural.
And the woman smiled, looking at him with a radiant gaze.
***
It was cold tonight, too. The night drew closer with every passing moment, like a wolf watching for prey. My hands were red again, reddened by the cold that chilled to the bone. Only this time his chest was empty, and the butterflies had stopped fluttering, vanished, leaving no trace behind. He clung to the wooden support with his hands, no longer trying to wrap himself more tightly in the scarf. He stared stupidly at the sky, unable to tear his eyes away from the only star on it, wrapped in dark winter clothes. Maybe she was that star. With a gentle, quiet voice, soft hair, pale hands, and a warm smile that warmed her in the cold winters. Maybe she, too, had been lonely and homesick these past few days. He didn't want to leave.
He just wanted to wrap his arms around himself, to try to get rid of the emptiness in his chest.
Finally he realised what it was like to feel lonely.
Hump-thump. Hump-thump.