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the candle light illuminated the small cabin you were in, aiding your hands in patching up another battle wound scored on Guts' skin. it was way past midnight, half his body enveloped by the shadows. you were humming, your fingers gently working on cleaning the gash in his arm with warm water. you tried to make conversation, so that the time could pass more quickly.
"hypothetically, if you could settle down and have a family, would you do it?"
Guts shifted on his wooden stool.
"i'm not one for family life. a family's one thing i don't want."
"what if you got your revenge and you were finally free to do whatever you want? what would you do then?"
he sighed, his shoulders slouching slightly. he seemed tired.
"do whatever the hell i want, i guess. i mean, i could do that now. i'm a free man. ain't got nothin' else to live for." he clutched his knee with his right hand, fingers tensing. "if i settled down, i dunno what kind of family life i could provide. who'd want to be around a guy like me?"
you stopped for a second.
"i could think of a couple people"
he straightened his back, eyebrows furrowed a little.
"who? who the hell would want to be around somebody like me?"
yet again, you fell silent for a moment. you had an answer, but you didn't know if it was right to say.
"i'm sure Casca or Farnese would want to spend their life with you." you paused, hesitant to continue. "and then there's me, too"
Guts' face changed to something between confusion and bewilderment.
"Casca? are you kiddin'? ain't no way that'd work." he sighed, his hand massaging his thigh soothingly "maybe before... maybe before all that stuff happened to her... but not now. she probably hates me. i just... i dunno. and Farnese? why would she want to be around a guy like me?" he goes to look at you. "and what the hell d'ya mean, "and then there's you too"?"
you squeeze your hand around his arm.
"you just don't see it, do you? you don't see how adored you are by people around you, how you're the one keeping us all together."
he makes a dry barking noise, what you assume to be a laugh.
"you're crazy. no one adores me like that. the others, maybe they care. but to Casca, i'm nothing but a reminder of what she used to be." he shuts his eye at the memories. "i mean, maybe i am important to the group in some way. but that ain't mean anyone cares... much less... adores me like that. i'm not worth that much to anyone."
your face wrinkles, your lips forming into a small pout.
"you really are blinded by how you see yourself, so much so you don't see things that are right before you. if it wasn't for you, none of us would ever travel together or even cross paths. and after all this time, after everything that happened to us, you still can't see any of it?"
he glances at you, taking in your expression, the looks away.
"you're wrong. look, the others depend on me a lot. it's true i keep them safe. i get them out of danger. and they rely on me to carry them and help them when they're hurt or tired. but i'm just a tool to them, like a weapon. ain't no adoration to it all. i think they'd be just as well off being around someone who wasn't as damaged like me." he shakes his head. "no, you're wrong. there ain't no adoration, not from the others. you're the only one who might."
your face changes to the one of sadness. but there's something more to it.
"i didn't know how far gone you were in that self-deprecating mindset, Guts. you think if all of us met and you weren't in the picture we would've stayed together? no, no we wouldn't. you touched every single person in this group to their core, every. single. one." you look at him with big eyes. "you don't see how they look at you? you don't see how much they care about you, about your every injury, even the tiniest of scratches?"
his eyes widen, and then he smirks. he fucking smirks.
"you're crazy. you don't see the whole me. you didn't experience what I've been through. maybe you saw my anger, the way i lash out at the others, but you ain't never seen the whole me. you ain't seen who i am, not really." he leans closer to you, looking down at you. "i'm not somebody to be loved. i don't think anybody could love me. and you wouldn't want to really know me. you don't know how much hatred and rage and darkness sits inside me. i don't think you'd still think the same way if you did."
you grit your teeth, the tips of your fingers white with how strong you're holding onto his arm.
"that is true, i wasn't there from the beginning. but neither were you. you also don't know what i've been through or what sits at the very back of my mind, but you go out of your way to protect me, to protect us. and we repay you for that tenfold." you will your face to relax, if only just a bit. "i just wish you could sometimes peek out of your shell and look at us the same way we look at you."
he huffs out that dry laugh again.
"you talk like there's nothin' but love in your heart. you don't know what's in mine. not really. nobody knows. i've never told anybody what I've been through. i doubt anybody'd really listen. it'd just sound like one big pity party." he combs his hand through his hair. "besides, people only really like me cuz i get stuff done. i keep 'em safe. other than that, they don't care what i think. they don't bother with caring about who i am. it ain't like that."
this time you're the one laughing, but it's more of a scoff.
"you're wrong, so, so incredibly wrong. we are with you because it's you, not just because you can swing a sword. you are the person we rely on and care for, and it couldn't be anyone else. it's Guts we love, not the Black Swordsman."
he looks at you, and if you didn't know any better, you'd say he looked angry. but he's just baffled at your words.
"you ain't makin' any sense. if you saw who i really am, i'm sure you'd also think nobody'd love me. if you knew how much i hated people, how much i hated the world, how much i hated being alive... no, if you knew the real me, i know you wouldn't be sayin' any of this."
you take a breath, and you calm yourself. and then you look at him, with the softest look you could muster.
"then show me the real you. show me what deeply bothers you, what clouds your mind, what gives you nightmares every night. show me all of you, and let me prove you wrong."
he turns his head. you can feel the muscles under your fingers tensing.
"it ain't easy for me to talk about. what i've been through, the things i've done and seen, the stuff that really eats away at me... it ain't easy to talk about with anybody. especially... you. you wouldn't understand it. you wouldn't relate. nobody can."
you try being gentler. you grab his palm with both of your hands, thumbs tracing small circles on his skin.
"maybe you are right, maybe i wouldn't understand. but i want to see the whole picture, i want to see what makes Guts - Guts. i want to know what you've been through, what you think, what you feel. please, let me see all of you."
he turns back to you, and leans even closer, you can feel his breath.
"why? what makes me so important to you? i'm just a big ugly guy who's good at swingin' a sword. i don't get what's so special about me." his eyebrows furrow once more, and he looks to the ground. "i'm sorry, but i can't share me. the stuff that bothers me, it's too far beyond anyone else to understand. even if i told you, it ain't like you can fix any of it. there's nothin' anyone could do to make my nightmares go away. there ain't nothin' you can do to change who i am. i could never show the whole me... i could never tell all."
you squeeze his hand, wanting him to look at you again.
"you can't know all that. have you ever tried sharing your pain, sharing your story? no, because you're scared of what would come of it, you're scared of changing your perspective, and maybe you're scared of getting help. but maybe there is someone who can help you, who can make your nightmares go away, even if just for one night. but you are too scared to try."
he clenches his mouth, a vein popping out across his jaw. his shoulders are tense as a rock.
"i can't trust anyone else to help me work through any of it. there's way too much i've been through. ain't no way I could tell anybody about... stuff like that. besides, the people around me now... they've got their own problems to deal with. it'd be too much to bother them with stuff i've been through." he shakes his head, again. "i'm sorry, but sharing ain't the answer. ain't the solution to any of my problems. i gotta find my own way through all this. it might not be the healthiest way to handle things, but it's the only way i know how."
you're starting to crack. all of your repressed emotions towards this man spilling to the surface, screaming for you to take action.
"but you don't have to. i want to help you, Guts, i want to understand, i want to help you find a better option of mending all the cracks in your mind and your heart. i want to take that path with you, even if it's rocky, and steep, and even if it's going to take years for us to cross it. i'm willing to do that for you, want to do that for you."
he sighs. he now looks even more tired. more ragged, deflated, even.
"you don't get it. i can't trust nobody with these things. i've been burned too many times in the past. what if i told you somethin' and it just put more things on your mind to worry about? i mean, i can kinda sorta take care of myself. and there's lots of things i shouldn't involve you in. if i did open up to you now, i'd just be takin' advantage of your kindness and i'd hurt you. i don't want to burden you like that."
you can't take this. you have to help him, have to crack his facade somehow. you have to go personal.
"you know what is a real burden on my mind right now? a real struggle i've been dealing with? every time i want to help you, i reach my hand towards you and you reject it. you don't even try. i spent countless nights trying to figure out things i could do to help. i patch you up when you're hurt, i make sure you eat and sleep enough to not keel over the moment you fight something, but it's still not enough, you still push me away. please, not only for your sake, but also for my own sanity, can we at least try? even the slightest bit?"
he glances up at you and sees your glassy eyes, your quivering lips, your shaky hands. and he breaks.
"....fine. maybe i'm bein' overprotective. maybe i don't have to do everything on my own... for once." he sighs. "it's worth a shot, i guess. but don't say i didn't warn you. okay? just... promise me something... if my pain's too much for you to deal with... if all the things i tell you are just way too much to take in... just walk away. promise me you'll walk away. ain't nobody else gotta suffer for all this."
you smile at him, but it's a sad smile. a smile filled with worry.
"i can't make a promise like that, Guts, i really can't. i care too much to just leave when i was the one convincing you to take my help. what i can promise is that i will do everything in my strength to bear this. for both of us"
he looks down at his palm, still held in your hands. the hands that patched many of his wounds, and the same hands that fed him when he couldn't even do that himself.
"you really don't know what you're in for. you don't know how bad my past really is, the things i've been through... you just ain't prepared. hell, there ain't nobody in this world that can be prepared for it. you can't even comprehend how dark my past is. don't say i didn't warn you. just... don't try to be a hero. if my story is too much, too much for your heart to take... please, just walk away. don't put yourself through that. you don't have to do this."
you take one of your hands and you cup his cheek, making him look you in the eyes.
"i won't walk away, i never will. but if you really want, i will tell you to stop if i can't stomach it. i will distance myself, even if it's going to hurt me to do so. but i don't think that will be happening"
and he melts. his whole body relaxes, and he leans into your touch. your soft, gentle touch.
"...okay. but you owe it to yourself to at least be honest about it. if it's all too much for you, if it hurts you to hear anything i say... promise me you'll tell me. don't try to be a hero just 'cuz you wanna help me out. ain't no point in hurting yourself just to help somebody else. you can tell me to stop if you gotta. can you promise me that?"
you close the gap, and you rest your forehead against his. you close your eyes.
"yes, that i can promise."