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You kept looking at your phone hoping, wishing, demanding that someone would text you, that something would happen and you would have an excuse to get out of that situation. Anything at all would work, you just wanted a way out.
It could be your mom calling, saying that she needed you home but the truth was that she just thought that it was getting late and you should go home, or so she thinks; you wished that your dad would text you asking to have dinner with him but your dad was never one to take the first step; maybe your professor could email you saying that you did something wrong in your assignment and you had to redo it, a dream you would probably wake up from by falling off your bed.
School was finally over for the semester and you had some time for yourself, or as much as work would possibly let you have. The second your boss heard the words summer break, he was already increasing your work hours. You could only hope that your payment would see the benefits of working extra hours. You could easily hear Chan’s voice in the back of your head saying “He’ll increase your working hours and decrease your pay, that’s more like it”
You welcomed the different stream of thought with open arms until it led you to Chan. He was the entire reason why you were feeling guilty in the first place.
You were on your way to a date with someone who wasn’t Chan, someone who wasn’t your boyfriend. And you weren’t even doing it for yourself. You had no thoughts or intentions to be with anyone other than Chan. You were on your way to a double date that would only benefit the other half, your friend Kira, while said date could only cause your problems.
Since Kira started to work as an intern, almost a year before, all she could talk about was Hansol. How handsome he was, how nice he was, how he could be a complete cutie in a second and change into someone dangerous in a span of a millisecond – her words, not yours. Apparently, it was the best kind of danger. Whatever the hell that meant.
After months of pining over him, your friend finally managed to score a date with her yearlong crush, but she got cold feet at the last minute and somehow you were the one who ended up in an uncomfortable situation. If the occasion was any different you would have helped her without thinking twice about it, it wouldn’t have been the first time you rescued her.
On top of it, like a pretty little bow around the box, Hansol also thought that it was a good idea to have a double date as a first date. And what better place than a bowling alley?
A double date is fine, many people have had them, you just hated the fact that you were the one who had to sit around and watch and your friend and a random guy from her work made the awkward small conversation of a first date.
You had made plans beforehand. It was nothing much, honestly. It included you leaving work the second your shift was over, making a quick stop at the chicken place on your way to the subway station, and head straight to Chan’s place. Unlike you, he had his own apartment so you were always at his place because there you had more privacy than at the dorms.
Let’s stay inside tonight, we can do something else tomorrow if we feel like it. That was your original plan and it sounded so damn good. Cuddling with Chan while it wasn’t too warm to do so almost sounded like a dream.
Yes, you could still go to his place after the date but how could you possibly lie down by his side when you had just gone on a date with someone else? Someone who wasn’t him? You knew very well that if you told him the truth Chan would just laugh it off, saying that you were too good for your own good. He would probably give you that sweet smile of his, the very same one that always melted your heart a little when you saw it, and probably hug you with his lips at the back of your neck until he peacefully went into dreamland.
“Can’t I go home?” you asked Kira.
You already knew her answer, even before she clutched your hand as if it was her lifeline.
“No! I need you here, for moral support”
You rolled your eyes at her and leaned back against the extremely uncomfortable seat.
“I could do that from home, you know? The moral support thing”
It was her turn to roll her eyes at you.
“Oh please…” she drifted off for a second before her eyes went wide on her face and held even tighter to your hand “yn, I’m so, so, so, so sorry for this. I had no idea”
You followed her eyes and soon realized what she was seeing and why she was apologizing. Walking through the door was Hansol but the person walking by his side was the one that really caught your attention. In his usual black hoodie and torn jeans, Chan walked inside, a lopsided grin on his face as his eyes met yours.
The color drained from your face as you looked around trying to desperately find a way out. That couldn’t be happening to you. Why you of all people? Kira looked between you and Chan, a confused look on her face. And you knew why she was so confused: you and Chan were supposed to hate each other.
“Why is he looking at you like that?”
It’s the oldest story in the world.
From the second the two of you crossed paths you had an instant dislike for each other. As soon you found out that both of you were majoring in the same thing, the dislike became a rivalry that even teachers were aware of. Something that other students didn’t quite comprehend and neither did you or him.
On your part, it was probably because he had been a jerk by knocking off your books, not on purpose, and saying “you should watch where you go, this is not the fucking mall!” You hated his guts after that, it wasn’t that you expected him to get down and help you, but the least he could say was that he was sorry as he rushed off to wherever he went next. He disliked you back because you made a point of always being a jerk to him right back.
Really, it was something so stupid.
Sometimes, while going out with Kira, you would see him with his friends and he looked like a decent person, and from the things you heard from people who knew him he sounded nice enough but you never managed to overlook that first day.
Until a night out gone wrong, that was.
Kira managed to drag you to a bar on a Friday night because Hansol was there and there was no way she could miss the opportunity to see him. Against your will, and your better judgment, you tagged along. You sat quietly at a table in the corner nursing a drink while everyone around you seemed to be having a blast.
It was one of those days when you just wanted to stay inside and not do anything, the kind of day that binge-watching a random reality show sounded like paradise. Going out, being in a bar with loud music, drunk people, and stupid pickup lines sounded like your own personal hell.
You were on your own for about twenty minutes when someone dragged the chair in front of you and sat down. The words get lost were ready to leave your mouth when you looked at who it was. Chan sat in front of you, beer in hand while he sported his most famous and used look: a white t-shirt and ripped jeans. He smiled at you and his raised his beer before taking a long sip.
“Let’s not do this today, Chan. I’m not in the mood”
Something in the way you said made Chan stop. He was ready to say something, anything at all that came to his mind, any sort of nasty comment that would probably leave you fuming. But as he looked at you he could easily tell that your not in the mood was much different than what you were letting on. Your eyes were barely focused on anything, the drink in front of you still untouched.
“Come with me”
He suddenly stood up and took your hand pulling you up, so you would stand up as well. He got your jacket that hung on the chair, your cell phone, and keys from the table before pulling you out the door. You walked by his side quietly wondering just what he was doing but too tired to ask what was happening. His hand on the small of your back brought you warmth and, strangely, comfort.
Chan pulled the passenger door of his car open and told you to sit. The second your head touched the rest your eyes fell shut. You could easily hear him softly close the door as he walked around and sat behind the wheel.
“I’ll drive around for a little, get some rest”
Anyone else would probably have felt uncomfortable in said situation, anyone else probably wouldn’t have taken his hand, anyone else probably would have never gotten inside that car, anyone else probably wouldn’t have fallen asleep in a stranger’s car. But the thing is that Chan was never a stranger and, even though you didn’t get along very well, you knew that he would never do anything that could harm you in any way. You enjoyed your fights and he wasn’t crazy.
Somehow getting inside Chan’s car and driving around became your thing. At times, during class, you would exchange a look and the next thing you knew you were walking to the parking lot and getting into Chan’s car. He would follow you soon after, a bag of sweets and snacks in his hand. You would take turns driving so both of you could rest, or read over your notes for the exam.
At first, neither of you said anything; it was enough to just stay inside his car driving to nowhere quietly. At times Chan would go as far as hitting the road because it’s quieter here, don’t you think? Soon enough you found yourself looking at him, looking for him. Once when he parked the car and both of you sat on the hood of the car, easy conversation flowing around, you wondered what it would feel like to be kissed by him, what would feel like to have his hand hold yours.
“I want every day to be like this one,” you said quietly.
Something sparkled in his eyes, something that you too felt. When you looked at him that day, it felt like his emotions matched yours, his feelings were the same as yours. You leaned forward, just a hint of what you wanted to happen. If he didn’t feel the same, if he didn’t want the same thing, then you could pass it as you were half asleep.
But Chan wanted it. He had been meaning to talk to you for a while. When he approached you that day at the bar his only intention was to talk with you. When he took a good look at you, though, he knew that he couldn’t do that and so he waited. He kept waiting for the perfect opportunity and you were finally presenting him with one, one that he wouldn't be stupid to let go.
His lips touched yours ever so lightly, slowly. Your hands moved on their own, wrapping around his neck as he pulled you closer.
Every day after that Chan’s text was the first thing you read in the morning and his voice was the last sound you heard before falling asleep.
On a day when Chan didn’t show up for a class you got worried and it got even worse after he didn’t answer your call or texts – not even your email, though you felt stupid for emailing him. He wasn’t the kind of person who skipped class. He attended religiously, even if his body was begging him to stay home and take the day off.
It took you a lot of courage to walk up to one of his friends and ask for his address. It was hard to understand why you cared so damn much whether or not Chan went to class. And it wasn’t just that. When you weren’t with him you kept thinking of him, thinking about what he could be doing, if he too was thinking about you. It made you feel weird about how you went from hating the mention of his name to constantly thinking of him.
Knocking on his apartment door was almost as hard as asking for his address. No, it was definitely harder. Innumerous wild scenarios went through your mind but none of them even came close to what was happening.
He only opened the door after the second knock. When Chan saw you standing outside his door he almost looked relieved, the smile on his face made you smile back.
“Chan, who is it?” a woman said.
Before you could say anything, Chan pulled you inside and closed the door behind you. Sitting on the couch there was an older couple, their eyes shifted towards you before going back to Chan, a curious look on their faces.
“I’m yn” you waved awkwardly at them “Chan and I have a few of the same classes”
At your words, the woman’s face lit up and she got up to shake your hand.
“Oh, Chan was just telling us about you”
Somehow having his mother, as well as his dad, know about your car rides automatically meant that the two of you were together. When his father mentioned it, neither one of you tried to deny it or correct him because even though those words were never spoken it was something that you saw coming.
Even so, you didn’t tell anyone. You didn’t fight in front of others but you also didn’t interact in any sort of way when there were people around. In class, you still sat far apart but always in each other’s line of view. There was something mysterious and thrilling about not telling everyone.
That was eight months before. Even after so long you still didn’t tell people. You weren’t going out with Chan just to please someone and the same went for him. Your dating life belonged to you and you only. You didn’t quite understand why you had to tell other people about it.
By choosing to keep a secret you still had to face situations like that. Like your friend trying to set you up with someone because she thought that you were lonely.
“There’s something I should probably tell you,” you said to Kira but it was already too late, the second the words left your mouth Chan and Hansol got closer to you.
While Hansol made an effort to try to talk to you, though his intentions and why he was even there in the first place were very clear, Chan didn’t even look at Kira. He simply sat in front of you, his eyes on you the whole time while you tried to think of something to say, anything that could possibly get you out of the mess you put yourself into but nothing came to mind.
Instead of paying attention to her date, trying to focus on the conversation Hansol was clearly trying to have with her, Kira kept giving you questioning glances and nudging your feet trying to get you to look at her.
“Okay! Someone needs to tell me what is going on, right now!” Kira said hitting the table and shaking the drinks
The game had already been over, you even played twice, and the four of you sat at a burger place next to the bowling alley.
“I also would like to know, since Chan was the one who invited himself over”
At his words, your eyes went wide and you immediately turned to Chan, who had an apologetic look on his face as if he was saying I’m sorry but he was also trying very hard now to smile.
“You are the actual worst, did you know that?” you threw your remaining fries at him “I was feeling bad about coming here today while you had this plotted?”
Chan laughed as he tried to block the fries from falling on his face. He was laughing but it was out of pure nervousness. He knew just how much trouble he was in. He was the only one who knew how long it took him to get you to talk to him again after he said a stupid joke you didn’t think was funny. He should have known that by doing something like that he was getting himself into major problems. He just couldn’t help himself and the face you made when you saw him was priceless and totally worth it.
“Why would you feel bad about going on a date with your boyfriend?” Hansol looked between you and Chan, confused.
“WHAT?” Kira all but screamed.
You wanted to hit your head against the nearest wall and maybe do the same with Chan while you were at it.
“Fine! Do you really want to know? Chan and I have been seeing each other for months now. Since the day we went to the bar because Hansol was there. You left me all alone when I could barely keep my eyes open and this idiot” you point a finger at Chan “helped me. We’ve been stuck to each other ever since”
You forced a smile towards her as you leaned back in your chair. Hansol looked at you like you like you were borderline crazy while Chan looked like he couldn’t be more proud of you. It was the first time you ever talked back at anyone, except Chan.
“That was months ago! As soon as we got back from summer break!” she screamed as she mimicked your actions from a few seconds before. When she ran out of fries she used her hands.
“Okay, that's enough!” Chan pulled you up and away from the table “We don't have to get aggressive”
Kira scoffed at him but didn't make a move to leave her seat on the table.
“Would you rather for me to hit you?”
Hansol sighed and he took the last sip of his soda.
“How about we keep our hands to ourselves and call it a night?”
You still were angry with Chan and he was well aware of it, you got in the car with him and let yourself be taken to his place. He didn't try to sweet talk you, he just held your hand as if he was silently apologizing. Maybe you were even a little angrier because just being inside his car with him holding your hand was enough to make you feel less angry at him.
“I'm sorry,” Chan said, his fingers drawing little circles on the back of your hand “I didn't think it would come to that. It's just that I don't understand why we have to keep lying to people"
You should have known that it would come that, that ultimately that was the reason why Chan did something like that in the first place. He was always one to like playing pranks but that one just went too far.
“We're not lying, Chan, we're just living our own lives" he gave you a small smile and looked out of the window “You think that I'm ashamed of being your girlfriend? Of being seen with you?”
For as long as you have known him, or of him, Chan was always one to be surrounded by his friends. It was rare to see him on his own, to not see him talking to anyone. And that was something that you couldn't understand. You weren't a loner, you had friends and people you liked going out with, but you also didn't share your life with those people. You weren't used to letting people know where you were going, what you were doing, and who you were doing it with. In your family no one ever did that, it wasn't something that was nurtured in you. But it's something Chan is used to.
With a sigh, you unbuckle your seatbelt and reached for your phone at the bottom of your purse. You placed a kiss on Chan’s cheeks at the same time that you took a picture with your phone. Chan looked over your shoulder as you quickly uploaded the picture.
“Oh, you tagged me"
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the picture for a second. You had your eyes closed as your lips touched his cheeks while Chan had the biggest smile on his face. It was a picture he liked, one that he would probably use as his wallpaper.
You pulled his hand down so he would look at you.
“Don't you ever think that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of you, okay? When I say that I love you I'm not saying it to merely inflate your ego, I'm saying it because that's how I feel”
You leaned forward and let your lips linger over his for a moment, enjoying the feeling of having him close to you once again. Being apart from him during the last week of exams had been exhausting for more reasons than one.
“Also, if you try something like this again I'm cutting your balls off"
Chan wiggled his eyebrows at you and grinned.
“Sounds kinky. When can we try that?”