Work Text:
(The companions are seated around the campfire, having just heard the results of an impromptu poll taken moments ago.)
TAV
Sorry, are we not gonna talk about this?
ASTARION
Unhappy with the rankings, my dear?
TAV
Not unhappy, no. Baffled, actually.
SHADOWHEART
Oh, don’t give us that. You know damn well if it weren’t for those boots you’d be flat on your face-
TAV
(interrupting, holding up a finger)
Ah, ah. But I do have these boots. And I haven’t fallen over even once since I found them, thank you.
SHADOWHEART
We can’t count magical influence in this, we'd be here all night.
TAV
We absolutely can and should be counting magic here.
KARLACH
Nah, Shads is right. Astarion shouldn’t get credit for those gloves he always wears. Don’t they help with balance or some shit?
ASTARION
Bite your tongue, hellion.
GALE
Tav also has a ring that does something similar, actually.
TAV
Oh really? You sure you want to play this game? Because last I checked, I wasn’t the one constantly slipping on ice that I godsdamn created half a second earlier, you absolute menace.
SHADOWHEART
They have a point, Gale.
GALE
It isn’t all that frequent an occurrence.
TAV
Hey, Astarion, how many times has Gale slipped on ice in the past week?
GALE
That’s not- we don’t have to-
ASTARION
Nine times by my last count. Though I stayed at camp one day, so it could be double that, for all I know.
TAV
(clapping their hands together and pointing to ASTARION gleefully)
Yes, thank you, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.
WYLL
As long as we’re debating…
KARLACH
Wyll? Think really, really hard about what you say next.
WYLL
I’m sorry, Karlach. But if we’re to keep this a fair assessment, then you know what I must say.
SHADOWHEART
(delighted and barely holding it in)
Go on, Wyll. We're all friends here, after all.
WYLL
I may have noticed Karlach sipping on potions from time to time before a battle, that’s all. And I've rarely seen her lose her footing.
SHADOWHEART
(slowly turning toward KARLACH, smiling)
Really? How very interesting.
KARLACH
Look at me! I'm built for the hells; no goblin’s getting one over on Mama K.
SHADOWHEART
Then what are the potions for, I wonder?
KARLACH
(deflecting)
Hang on, I don't think Shads is innocent in all this, either.
SHADOWHEART
Excuse me? I think you’ll find I’m more than capable of staying on my own two feet, thank you. Without the need for potions or magic boots, I might add.
TAV
Harsh. But fair.
LAE'ZEL
The tiefling is right. In no fair competition of any criteria would Shadowheart rank above me. There is something insidious at work here.
KARLACH
Pretty sure it’s just cheating, but I’m on your side. I think.
SHADOWHEART
If I were going to cheat, it wouldn’t be on something as pointless as this.
WYLL
A cheater, you say? Something to confess, Astarion?
ASTARION
Why would you assume I had anything to do with it?
TAV
You’ve met you, right?
ASTARION
Harsh but fair, darling. Anyway, I don’t need to cheat. I’m perfectly happy with the outcome of our little poll.
GALE
No need, perhaps. But you certainly enjoy chaos, as you’ve mentioned one or a dozen times. I think you’re at the center of all of this.
ASTARION
How very flattering. But I think you’ll have much better luck looking for your culprit at the other end of camp.
(the group turns in unison to see VOLO, furiously scribbling into a notebook with a ridiculously oversized quill)
KARLACH
Oi, bard-man!
VOLO
(snapping the book shut and placing the quill behind his ear before walking over)
Oh! You startled me, young Karlach. How might I be of assistance?
SHADOWHEART
What are you writing?
VOLO
I, of course, would be beyond delighted to tell you all about it - but alas, I cannot. All I can reveal is this: it promises to be a masterful piece of fiction about the follies and foibles of camp life by a group of intrepid heroes as they hurtle toward their destiny.
WYLL
Fiction, you say? Not your usual fare, is it?
VOLO
Certainly not! I much prefer to recount tales of intrigue and heroics from a more realistic viewpoint. Historians such as myself pride ourselves on accuracy above all else, but one must always push oneself creatively in order to remain at one’s best.
ASTARION
(aside, to TAV)
One may be finding oneself at the end of Lae’zel’s blade if one doesn’t shut up.
TAV
(snorting in response before composing themselves)
She does look ready to jump him.
SHADOWHEART
Certainly you wouldn’t begrudge us a little preview, Volo?
VOLO
Ah, you flatter me, my dark lady.
(SHADOWHEART rolls her eyes)
Very well. A reading from a finished chapter, then.
(VOLO clears his throat and hold the book aloft)
Distrust settles upon the once unguarded visages surrounding the -
GALE
(casting mage hand and grabbing the book from VOLO’S hands)
Aha! Wyll!
(the spectral hand stops above WYLL’S head and drops the book)
WYLL
(catching the book and opening it to a random page)
Hang on, these are our names. You’re writing about us?
LAE'ZEL
That should have been exceedingly obvious.
ASTARION
(from behind VOLO, snatching his quill)
And I’ll take that, as well.
VOLO
I say! This is thuggery to the highest degree!
ASTARION
Oh, nonsense. We’re leaving you alive, for one thing.
TAV
Can I see it, Wyll?
(WYLL tosses the book to TAV and several scraps of paper flutter out onto the ground)
TAV
Well, well, well, I wonder what those could be?
VOLO
Simply notes, nothing more. Certainly nothing to concern yourselves with.
KARLACH
Hang on, this is- hey, that’s my handwriting! You were actually cheating!
VOLO
Damn.
LAE'ZEL
A pathetic ruse to sow discontent among our ranks as an alternative to genuine artistry.
ASTARION
(gesturing grandly, quill in hand)
Ah, vindication. The true cheater revealed. How refreshing to be on the other side, for once.
GALE
Fantastic. I’m sure we’ll never hear the end of this.
SHADOWHEART
(pointing to the book)
What about that?
LAE'ZEL
It is no doubt filled with even more lies than his usual garbage.
VOLO
Now, that’s simply rude-
LAE'ZEL
I say we rid this realm of such trickery.
KARLACH
With fire!
SHADOWHEART
I agree.
VOLO
Just a moment-
WYLL
We do have such a nice big fire going.
ASTARION
Could probably use a little more kindling, if anything.
GALE
Tav? Care to do the honors?
VOLO
Hold on-
TAV
(getting up with a huge smile, not sorry at all)
Sorry, Volo. The group has spoken.
(TAV drops the book into the roaring fire. From his seat, ASTARION pings the quill in, nib first, and it lands directly at the center of the blaze)
KARLACH
Damn, nice shot.
ASTARION
Why, thank you. So nice to be appreciated.
VOLO
My work, gone!
(no one replies. The fire continues to burn, and an acrid smell fills the camp as the feather quill turns to cinders)
KARLACH
Ugh, that smells horrible.
TAV
Even worse than that stew Wyll made.
WYLL
That stew was delicious.
LAE'ZEL
It was full of vegetables. Not a shred of meat to be found. Pathetic.
SHADOWHEART
It was still better than some of the atrocities Gale comes up with.
GALE
Excuse me? I happen to be quite an accomplished amateur chef. In fact, in my younger days, I once had the privilege of studying under the esteemed-
TAV
(waving their hands dismissively)
Oh no, we’re not doing this again. I’m sure whoever it was is amazing at whatever it is, but I don’t want to hear it.
ASTARION
It clearly hasn’t helped. Even I could make something better than that travesty you served us last night.
GALE
You didn’t even eat it! You don’t eat anything besides Tav.
TAV
Alright, maybe phrase it nicer than that.
KARLACH
Gotta agree with the Iceman. I wouldn't exactly be eager to bite into anything Astarion served me.
ASTARION
Please. I’m amazing at everything I do, darling. Cooking is hardly likely to be the exception.
SHADOWHEART
I’m with Karlach on this. You’re perfectly lovely at killing, Astarion, but I can’t imagine you cooking anything even close to edible.
ASTARION
I- What- Perfectly lovely? I’m a cold-blooded killer, not your bloody grandmother.
TAV
(patting his arm)
Yes, yes, you’re incredibly terrifying. Besides, Lae’zel’s probably the worst cook here. She’s not exactly discerning; I saw her lick a goblin once.
GALE
Gods.
LAE'ZEL
I was unfamiliar with the creatures at the time. They might have been an adequate source of protein.
GALE
They’re definitely not.
LAE'ZEL
An undeniable fact I now well know. Yet I still maintain that even hideous goblin flesh would prove a better meal than anything the bloodsucker could create.
(In the corner of camp, forgotten by the adventurers once more engaged in heated debate, VOLO reaches into a concealed pocket on the inside of his waistcoat, pulling out a small, thin notebook and an even smaller quill, and begins furiously scribbling.)