Work Text:
Graduation
“Kei!”
“Kei!”
“Kei!”
The same voice calls out to him three times, and Tsukishima Kei looks over to where the voice is coming from. His classmates, no- fellow graduates, all turn to stare as Kei’s overly enthusiastic and ridiculously handsome boyfriend runs over to congratulate them. Before Kei can even get a word out he’s swept up in Kuroo’s arms and spun around in a circle. Kuroo is one of the few people tall enough to pick him up like this and the only person he’d ever let do it. The soft laugh that escapes him is only loud enough for Kuroo’s ears to hear.
Kuroo sets him gently back down on the ground. “Congratulations, Moonshine,” he whispers in his ear and then perks up to greet his friends.
“Kuroo-san!” Hinata yells as they rejoin the group. “Tsukishima didn’t tell us you would be coming for the ceremony!”
Hinata has far too much energy left for some that has been up since six am training. He would know, he was up training with him.
“What up Chibi-chan!” Kuroo hi-fives him and Kei smirks as he watches Hinata jump to reach Kuroo’s hand. “And that’s because I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to make it or not till this morning, finals season and all.”
Hinata nods his head slowly like he completely understands how college finals work. “Well we’re glad you made it! Right Kageyama?”
Kageyama looks startled, like he’s surprised to have been included in this conversation. Kei can see the game that was replaying in his head start to dissipate as he looks up and realizes his surroundings. “Oh, um yes?.”
Kuroo laughs and rubs the top of Kageyama’s head, “So are you all going out to celebrate tonight?”
“Celebrate?” Yamaguchi looks slightly confused. None of them had made any plans for after the ceremony except together, they all figured that they’d be too busy with their own families.
“You gotta celebrate your graduation together! Get a little drunk, have some fun, lose a bet and have to streak across someone’s yard…”
“That sounds like a personal experience.” Yamaguchi quips. Kei laughs, he knows exactly what story Kuroo’s talking about. He got a rather drunk recounting of it approximately 20 minutes after it happened- and it’s the reason Kei will never make a bet with Kai.
“Personal or not, y’all should celebrate.”
“Where would we even get any alcohol?” HInata asks, and Kei has to resist rolling his eyes. Kuroo clears his throat next to him. Once, twice, three times.
“Do you need a cough drop Kuroo-san?” Kageyama very innocently asks and starts to pat his pockets in a search for one. Luckily, Hinata hits him on the head for Kei.
“Boke! He’s offering to buy alcohol for us.” Kei’s honestly a little surprised Hinata was able to figure it out.
“Wait, we're getting alcohol?”
Now Kei might just have to hit Kageyama for his denseness. Yachi makes a bright, yet nervous giggle next to him.
“Oh my god, just meet at Hinata’s place later- after dinner.” Kei tells them.
“Wait, why my place?”
“Cause your mom is the least likely to care and you live the farthest out- so we're less likely to get caught.”
Kei’s only been buzzed exactly one time before, after his mom let him go over to Nishinoya’s after their senpais graduated last year and Tanaka convinced him to take a couple shots of Soju. Now he’s more than a couple shots in and is leaning heavily on his mostly sober boyfriend. Kuroo had agreed to take two celebratory shots with them, but wanted to make sure none of them got into too much trouble. He had specifically required that they lock their phones away with him so no incriminating evidence could be found of them later.
Kei is enjoying watching his friends bicker and laugh as Yachi does a makeup and hair tutorial on Yamaguchi while he sips on the cup of water Kuroo had traded his beer out for. He’s going to miss this, joking around and seeing his friends everyday. Yamaguchi may have gotten into the same school in Sendai as him, but they’d promised each other they would still try to branch out and experience new things. Which meant that they had opted to not be roommates for their first year, although they were both in the same dorm apartment.
Yachi would be moving to Tokyo for college and the volleyball idiots were off to achieve their volleyball dreams. Kei glances over at Yachi and not for the first time wonders if he should have gone to Tokyo with her, then he wouldn’t have to do another four years of long distance with Kuroo and she would have one more person in the city watching out for her.
Kuroo taps his knee against Kei’s and nods his head for the back patio door. Kei chugs the rest of his water and waits to feel his head clear a little more before he gets up and leads them outside.
The Hinata’s have a large and open back yard space and Kei is unsurprised to see a volleyball net set up in the middle of it. A retaining wall runs along the back and overlooks the valley below. Kuroo grabs his hand and leads him over. They swing their long legs over the side and sit, overlooking the mostly darkened landscape before them. A few lights dart the hills and an almost full moon looks down on them casting shadows over the trees.
Kei leans his head against Kuroo’s shoulder and laces their fingers back together. He’s not usually this sentimental, but he’ll blame it on the soju if Kuroo says anything about it in the morning.
“Did you bring me out here to enjoy this miraculous view?”
The small chuckle Kuroo lets out still manages to send tingles down Kei’s neck.
“Maybe I just wanted to get you alone.”
“If you wanted that, you wouldn’t have offered to throw a party for my friends and supply us with alcohol.” Kei retorts. He can feel himself getting drowsy as the alcohol works its way through his system. “You could have had me all to yourself at my house. Mom picked up a night shift so she could attend the ceremony.”
“I could have, but it's important to celebrate with your classmates, it's one of the last times you’ll all be together for a while.” There’s a hint of nostalgia in Kuroo's voice as he speaks softly. Kei can feel the tenor of his voice against his body. “Could be the last time.”
“It's not like I get to see you that often either.” Kei pouts.
“That’s different.”
Kei sits up straight, perplexed at how it could be different. He’ll still see Kuroo less than he sees Yamaguchi once they start college.
“Oh really, how so?”
“We're used to it.” An indignant huff leaves Kei’s body as he stares at his boyfriend and crosses his arms. Used to it? He’ll never be used to the long distance, he only tolerates it because he knows it’ll all be worth it one day.
“I'd hardly say that makes a difference.”
“We’ve been long distance for over a year now, we have our system down and we’ll adjust and make a new one once you start classes. I know we’ll be ok,” Kuroo clarifies, “but you and your friends are used to seeing each other almost everyday, eating lunch together, practicing together. Moving away will be an adjustment, I just wanted you all to have one last night together.”
Kei settles back in next to his boyfriend. “So was this just your way to be sentimental about your high school glory days?”
“The party? Maybe.” Kuroo slides an arm around Kei and pulls him close. “But coming out here was just an excuse to kiss you.”
Two years later
Kei stares at the clock on the wall, he watches as the minute hand ticks along its predetermined route- round and round in a circle- never stopping as time marches on. He’s been in the library for hours now. Five hours and thirty-four minutes if his math is right, and he’s been in a staring contest with the clock for the last thirteen minutes of those hours. The library closes in twenty three minutes and Kei still has two pages to write for his historical literature class. Yet the only thing on Kei’s mind is waiting for a phone call that he’s looked forward to all day.
At midnight Kuroo promised to call to “walk” Kei home from the library. It was a tradition that had started after Kei’s first late night solo study session. The empty and frankly desolate looking campus had freaked him out enough for his fifteen minute walk home that Kei had swallowed his pride and called Kuroo to keep him company. The phone call with his boyfriend had lasted far longer than fifteen minutes, and now whenever Kei stays late at the library by himself he would get a call from Kuroo right at midnight like clock work.
At least he had until this week's study session, when midnight rolls around and there is no call. Kei stands outside the library perplexed. His phone can’t be broken, as his messages and apps still load new content and his music is still streaming through his headphones. There is no technological explanation for the lack of a phone call. Kuroo must have gotten caught up with something important so Kei waits. He waits as the students he vaguely recognizes from his biology class wave and walk out the door. He waits as the lights of the library are turned off and the security guard exits with a curious glance his way.
Kei waits twenty minutes, until his rage has started to boil over and the flush to his cheeks isn’t from the cold.
With a final angry puff, Kei stomps home. He’s barely aware of his surroundings as anger swirled around inside him. He arrives back at his university assigned housing with barely a glance to acknowledge his roommate as he slams his door behind him.
How dare he not even text. How dare he make him feel stupid. What could be so important that he wouldn’t even text-
Kei’s thoughts stop and the anger in his body is instantly replaced by anxiety and worry. What if something happened? What if Kuroo was hurt or sick and here he was wishing curses and misfortune on his boyfriend?
Pick up pick up pick up!
“You’ve reached Kuroo Tetsurou, don’t waste your breath and send a text.”
“God damn it!” Kei chucks his phone across his unmade bed and watches it skip across the sheets and fal off the other side.
A soft knock at his door gives him a heads up before Akaashi peaks his head inside. “You ok, bud?”
“Yep.” Kei clips at him while he digs his arm down between his bed and the wall trying to find his phone. He feels his fingers push the phone farther away. “Damn it!”
Akaashi leans against the door, and raises an eyebrow at him, “Doesn’t really look like you are, it’s not like you to yell. So spill.”
“It’s nothing.” Kei’s fingers finally wrap around the phone and he sits up, still no messages from Kuroo.
“It’s not. So what's up? Classes, midterms or Kuroo?” The look on his face at the mention of Kei’s boyfriend must tip him off about what’s wrong. “Ah. So what's the idiot gone and done now?”
“He didn’t call me.” Kei knows he’s pouting, he can feel his lips purse together. “He always calls when I have to walk back from the library late at night and tonight he didn’t. And now he’s not answering.”
“And now you’re worried.”
“No.” Kei doesn’t make eye contact as he lies, but he can feel the weight of Akaashi’s glare on him. “Yes.”
“Well I don’t know if it’ll make you more upset or less but Bokuto said that they went out for drinks earlier and had made it home around eleven. He probably just fell asleep.”
“Great, well now that I know that, I can kill him myself.”
“As long as you leave my boyfriend out of it, go ahead.”
Kei sleeps in restless bouts that night and he can tell by the dark circles under his eyes that stand out starkly against his light skin. He spent most of the night ruminating on the past three months and how sporadic their routine had become.
He goes about his morning routine on autopilot, automatically doing all of his regular morning tasks except one: He doesn’t text Kuroo good morning. His phone lays dark and silent on his bed while he gets ready and his headphones are paired to his laptop. Kei knows it's a petty move but he’s never been one to shy away from pettiness.
If Kuroo wants to fall asleep with no call, good night text or explanation, then he doesn’t get a good morning text. The silent treatment combined with the text he sent last night should be blunt enough for his boyfriend to realize he’s still upset.
If Kei’s being honest with himself, this isn’t something that would typically get him this level of upset, but lately the world felt like it was trying to test his patience for a long distance relationship. Kei could count on both hands the number of times Kuroo and him had managed to find times to call in the last month. Between Kuroo taking on an internship with the Japanese Junior Volleyball Association and Kei’s class load, they hadn’t had much time for each other. The only consistent call time they had found was when Kei would walk home from the library.
On top of that, their monthly date night had been pushed back another week. Again, for the third time.
Kei groans as he flops back down on his bed and checks his phone. Thoughts and feelings jumble together. There’s four missed calls from Kuroo and seventeen new messages. He wants to open the texts and read his apology and call him back and hear his voice and accept his apology as Kuroo promises to do better next time. But just the thought of all the energy required for that drains him and Kei can’t bring himself to unlock his phone yet.
He’ll text Kuroo back after he has a little more energy stored up.
Maybe after he takes a quick nap, yeah a quick nap sounds good. Just enough to catch up on some of the sleep he lost last night, it's the weekend so he doesn’t have class.
Kei jolts awake at the sound of his phone ringing, he had turned it off of do-not-disturb right before falling asleep.
He picks up but says nothing, and silence fills the line as neither of them talk. This isn’t right. Everything is wrong and sticky, like someone got goop in his bike gears and now they won’t rotate smoothly anymore. The gears aren’t shifting. They had always had a pretty smooth ride, any bumps or flats were able to be smoothed out by Kuroo with a smile and a joke or Kei with a baked good by way of an apology..
Kei was starting to feel like the distance between them was widening.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Kei breathes out in response.
“I’m sorry.” Two words that should make Kei feel better but somehow they don’t.
This is so stupid. He shouldn’t be this upset over one missed call. One call- that’s all it was, Kei tries to convince himself and can’t. He knows it's more than one missed call. “Why?” is all he can bring himself to ask.
“I’m sorry I forgot to call or text you last night, Kei. I was stupid and-”
“No, why?” Kei asks again, cutting Kuroo off. He can pictures face exactly on the other end- eyebrows scrunched in confusion, his usually untidy hair probably looking wilder than usual after just getting up and soft lips in a tight line.
“Why? I was out with Bokuto to let off a little steam after a tough week, and then crashed before I even knew it was happening.” Kuroo sounds a little exasperated now. “You know this semester’s been hell, and how exhausted I’ve been with the added work from the internship. I didn’t mean to stand you up. You know that.
“No, Tetsurou. Why?” Kei asks again, he has to hold down the sob in his throat that’s threatening to escape at any second. “I know all your reasons for why you missed the call, but it's not just that one call.” He pauses and can hear the rustle of Kuroo’s head shaking- whether consciously or not- in agreement. “So why? With all the rescheduled dates and missed good night texts or the good morning texts sent long after we know the other is awake, why after all the sporadic texting and shortened phone calls are we still pretending like this is working? Why are you still with me?”
It’s a cruel question. Kei knows this, he can feel the barbed wire that’s wrapped around his heart pull tighter with each second that Kuroo doesn’t answer. For every second that they lay there- miles and miles apart- that Kei waits to hear three small words.
He waits for Kuroo to set his world right side up.
“If you can’t answer that question immediately then there’s no point in us staying together.”
There’s a muffled Kei on the other end of the line as he hangs up and the sob that was threatening to escape finally breaks free. Kei turns onto his side with his dinosaur pillow Kuroo got him and finally cries.
Kei isn’t sure how many minutes or hours have passed when Akaashi knocks on his door with a cup of tea and a slice of strawberry cheesecake. Either Bokuto told him what happened (embarrassing) or he heard him crying (even more embarrassing). He silently accepts the offerings, but offers nothing in lieu of an answer. A quick glance at his phone tells him that Kuroo hasn’t tried reaching back out.
His heart sinks, down and down and down until it reaches the bottom of the Mariana trench and Kei lets the sediment wash over and cover it. He leaves it deep down in the darkness all by itself, where no light can reach it and the pressure keeps it from bleeding.
There’s no point crying over a boy when he still has finals soon.
There isn’t a book or assignment that he doesn’t throw himself into over the next couple weeks. He drifts from the apartment to the library and his classrooms and back. He barely says anything to Akaashi unless it revolves around school and how his classes are going. Yamaguchi stops by more often and makes sure he’s eaten, that there are groceries in his pantry and clean clothes in his closet. He has nothing to worry about. But Kei knows how to maintain appearances. He buys the food and cooks it and does his laundry. He throws a smile on his face when he can muster it and makes fun of Yamaguchi or the freshman to show them that he’s still him. He’s still here. Even if those smiles and jokes don’t seep deeper than skin level.
But if he pretends that he’s ok for long enough- then maybe one day he actually will be.
It’s weird, the shift from having someone to talk to at any hour or day to that person being gone. Kuroo was a constant presence in his life for over four years, and now he’s been replaced with a shadow of himself. One that grows fainter and fainter with each week that passes. Kei no longer rolls over to check his phone first thing in the morning to send Kuroo a good morning text.
When he sees a stray cat in the alley he no longer has to send a photo of it to Kuroo.
When the school has mackerel on the menu he no longer has to rub it in Kuroo’s face.
It’s amazing all the habits one has to break after a break up.
Either Akaashi and Yamaguchi are buying his getting better routine or they’re just as deep in denial as he is. He’s caught them conspiring together, making sure that some one’s checked on him at least twice that. Kei’s sure Bokuto and Kenma are doing the same thing for Kuroo in Tokyo.
Kei also knows that Akaashi is scheduled to go see Bokuto next week, after his last final finishes.
A trip he was supposed to join him on.
Now, Kei plans on sleeping, studying and working on his graduating thesis project. He tries to convince himself that it’ll be nice to have the apartment to himself. Yamaguchi is headed back to Miyagi so he won’t have anyone checking in on him. He can finally let himself rot on the couch and not have it be attributed to his recent breakup.
It’s going to be good.
Good might be too positive of an emotion to describe Kei’s current state. He’s currently in his comfiest sweatpants and t-shirt (that definitely don’t say Nekoma Volleyball on them, absolutely not). One of the godzilla movies is on in the background and Kei is currently trying to see how many pieces of popcorn he can toss into his mouth in a row.
The record is not high.
It’s in this state that Kei gets up to answer what he believes to be the uber eats delivery driver knocking on his door.
And it is in this state that Kei opens the door to find one extremely sad and apprehensive looking Kuroo Tetsurou outside his door.
His hair is a mess, with a slight dusting of snow on it and his cheeks are red from the cold, or embarrassment. Kei knows that the smile on his face is a defense mechanism. It’s not his real smile. It’s not the same smile that Kei could still describe from memory.
“Can I come in?” Kuroo asks, he can’t seem to make eye contact with Kei for more than a second before his eyes flit away from him. “Please?”
Kei stands, and stares as his mind processes what’s happening. Kuroo is here, in Sendai, and Kei is currently standing in the clothes that he gave him four years ago before he started college.
It takes every ounce of courage to not slam the door in his face. “No.”
“You want all your neighbors hearing what I have to say?”
Kei weighs his options, either he can be the new gossip of the floor or he can let his ex boyfriend in. He chooses the latter.
They sit on the couch as far apart from each other as possible, and Kei can feel the waves of the trench beating against his heart again.
“You always did really love godzilla.” Kuroo chuckles at the silent movie playing before them. He doesn’t say anything about the mess of popcorn everywhere. Kei only nods in acknowledgement.
“Look Kei, I need to explain to you. I need you to know why I hesitated.” Kuroo looks at him and Kei can see the hurt in his eyes. The hurt that he caused him. That he’s caused both of them.
But he also knows that he didn’t do it for no reason. He steals himself. “Why now? Why not immediately after or the week after, or the week after that or the week after that, Kuroo? Why now all of a sudden is it important for you to explain to me?”
“Because I love you, but I didn’t have the words then.”
There they are, the three words that Kei has been longing to hear since that night. “And now you do?”
“I-” Kuroo hesitates, he turns the tv off so that they’re only illuminated by the kitchen light behind them and turns to face him. “Yes.”
Kei takes a deep breath, but he allows him to continue. He can’t look at him though, at least not yet.
“I hesitated why you asked me why we were still together because there are so many that my brain couldn’t process the answer and give you one fast enough. I’m with you because when you’re around there’s nothing that feels impossible. I’m with you because even on my worst day you can make it the best, because there’s no sound sweeter to my ears than your laughter and no sight I’d rather see than your smile.” Kuroo moves ever so slightly closer to him. “I’m with you because I know we’re meant to be. I’m with you because I love and I will never, ever stop no matter how far apart we are or how many obstacles life throws our way.”
Kei can feel the tears welling in his eyes but he can’t seem to bring himself to look up at Kuroo.
“I didn’t come tell you right away because I was scared and because I didn’t think I was good enough. I knew things were slipping but I thought if I just held on tighter we could find our way, when I needed to readjust my grip. I know things can’t be as they were before but I also know we can make it better. We just have to try.” Kuroo grips his hand. “I want to try.”
Kei squeezes Kuroo’s hand back, if he can be willing to try again, then so can he.