Work Text:
[*1.]
The first time they saw each other again was a few weeks after Nico had announced his retirement to the world. Lewis had mostly stayed in England to lick his wounds in the safety of the home he grew up in after Nico had swiped the championship from right under his nose and when he finally did return to Monaco, the air felt tighter than it used to. It wasn’t like Lewis had anything to be ashamed of, he had three championship titles to his name after all – still it ate away at him that it was exactly Nico that he lost this title to, the one person that was supposed to be on his team (literally). Although they throw around this word ‘team’ in this sport, they all knew that deep down, there could barely be a more unfitting word to describe what they did to each other every time they got into their cars.
But what really shook him to his core more than losing the championship to his teammate was Nico’s sudden retirement announcement after. While they were on the podium together, Lewis had already been fantasizing about how he would beat Nico next year and even this consolation price was ripped from him. He admits that he really hates losing and didn’t exchange more words than necessary with Nico after his win, but the fact that he didn’t even mention a single word to Lewis about his retirement plans still felt like the most gut-wrenching stab in the back after all they had been through. Lewis glossed over it in interviews, but then he eventually caught himself thinking ‘Good riddance.’ and decided that this was the mentality he was going to have about it. There were more than enough other people on the track to compete against. (But none of these people were Nico. None of them knew him like he did. But maybe that was a good thing.)
Their paths crossed in the entrance hall of the apartment building while they were heading in opposite directions. Lewis had his big headphones and sunglasses on, more than enough cover in case Nico would try to make contact when they passed each other. He turned his music volume up and adverted his gaze because even if his sunglasses were mirrored, an irrational part of him fears they should shatter under Nico’s eye (just like the rest of him). Yet Lewis couldn’t help but sneak a peek right before Nico passed him and when he saw that Nico even wasn’t even looking at him, it somehow felt worse than if he had actively tried to talk to him. Lewis thus aggressively decideed to ignore that gnawing feeling that formed in his stomach and decided to head directly to the gym to channel all the volatile energy inside of him instead.
[*2.]
The second time they saw each other, over an entire season had passed and Lewis had become used to Valtteri being his new teammate. It had also been a very long time since Lewis came back to the apartment and he wasn’t sure if he subconsciously avoided coming here even while on break, but he tried not to dwell on it too much. So when it’s finally race week in Monaco, naturally he stayed at his apartment and when he won the race on Sunday, of course he brought the afterparty to his place after the club.
Half of him didn’t care if he disturbed anyone and the other half of him desperately wanted it to disturb Nico. He wanted him to hear what he missed out on by running away from racing (and Lewis) and most of all, he wanted him to regret it. Funnily enough, it took less than an hour before Lewis could very weakly hear his doorbell over the loud music. He takes a shot and pulls the pretty girl he’s been flirting with all evening with him as he goes to open the door and sure enough, he was met with a very annoyed-looking Nico.
“Lewis, I know you won, but please. It’s really late, at least turn down the music.”
“It’s not even that loud, calm down. Don’t be a buzzkill.”
The arm he had around the girl’s waist was a poor attempt at saying ‘Look what you could have had!’ and as if on cue, she giggles drunkenly into his shoulder. Nico curses shortly under his breath, rubbing his eyes and then looking at Lewis with resignation instead of anger.
“Look, you don’t have to do it for me, but Naila is crying non-stop because she can’t sleep with all the noise.”
The girl besides him laughs, as if it would be absurd for Lewis to change his mind because of this, but of course she doesn’t know him at all; Nico does and Lewis hates him for it.
“Alright, I will. Please tell her I’m sorry.”
Nico nods and this time, he even wore a smile as he responded.
“Thank you, I really appreciate it. And still, congrats on your win. It was a great drive.”
“… Thank you.”
“Good night, Lewis.”
Of all the things he had expected Nico to do, congratulating him on his win certainly wasn’t on his list and before he even had time to respond, Nico was already walking back to the elevator. So he closes the door and faintly heard the girl bemoan something in his ear before he immediately let go of her and decided that he needed to get a lot more drunk as fast as possible.
[*3.]
The third time they saw each other was only very briefly by the elevator because Nico and his daughters had packed the elevator full of already blown-up swimming equipment, leaving no space for Lewis to step in too. The little girls apologized while laughing and Lewis joined their laughter due to the sheer comedy of it. Nico had a small smile on his face as well when he apologetically raised a hand to wave at him. Then right before the elevator door closed again, Lewis noticed that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore.
[*4.]
The fourth time came along after Nico had made his return to the paddock, but as a commentator this time. Lewis still tried to avoid talking to him whenever he could even in the pitlane, but the forced proximity made their interactions less awkward over time and by now they could both just professionally stand over their buried hatchet at least. Additionally he also had to admit, it was quite satisfying to witness Nico narrating over his brilliant performance to the world. Sometimes his head even drifts away for a moment and wonders if Nico missed racing (and him) but in the end, it was none of his concern anymore.
What Lewis certainly didn’t expect that evening was Nico’s company being Keke Rosberg, because that was not someone Lewis could just walk past without greeting him at the very least. While he didn’t own the other driver anything (technically), everything in Lewis’ mind screamed the exact opposite. Judging by the way that Nico was holding onto his father, they may have also been out for a few drinks already. Lewis himself was on his way out into a bar to meet a couple of friends and even though he was already running late, he still stopped and put on his bravest smile.
“Good evening.”
“Lewis, good evening! It’s been a while, your hair changed again!”
That only makes him chuckle as they shook hands, followed by a groan from Nico. Lewis’ ever-changing hairstyle had always been an inside joke between all of them, even more so because Nico’s had always been the same for what seemed like forever. He briefly wonders if that might be symbolic, but was quick to trash the half-baked thought.
“Sorry, he had one drink too much.”
Keke waves his hand at his son as if to shoo the allegations away and instead focuses back on Lewis with a delight that was slightly perplexing, considering they weren’t really close anymore.
“How is it going, kid?”
In that moment Lewis realized that no one called him a kid anymore these days. (He would have loved to rebel against it a few years ago, but right now he wished for nothing more but to be a kid again.)
“Good, good, thank you. How about yourself?”
“We’re just peachy! And how about your father?”
Keke Rosberg had always treated Lewis like a son of his own, especially during his and Nico’s karting days. He remembers him and his father together with Nico and Keke inside their shared motorhomes, the two older men mostly arguing about routes and Nico and Lewis staring out the window together at the scenery passing them by. His father always reminded him that he was lucky to receive advice from a World Champion and so from the very start, Lewis always listened very intently whenever Keke talked to them about racing. As he got older, his father also told him that Keke had always gone the extra mile of including him around the track, especially as he was most often the only person of color there and Lewis will forever be thankful to him for all those things.
“He’s also doing good, mostly enjoying retirement.”
He knows he should just excuse himself to leave because he’s already beyond late, but something about this trip down memory lane held him back. His eyes flickered over to Nico, who was just looking at his shoes and on the inside he scoffs – it was just like him to not be able to look Lewis in the eye as soon as they were away from the cameras.
“That’s great to hear, send him my regards!”
“Thank you, I will.”
And with that, Lewis thought he could finally leave, but Keke wasn’t done with him just yet.
“It’s lovely to see that you still live here after all these years. I’m so grateful that Nico was able to make you fall in love with the city.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Nico rolls his eyes at the comment as if his father hadn’t just seen right through Lewis and he was armed with a hundred things to defend himself with even if it wasn’t really an accusation; (But if he would be honest, Lewis would tell him that he didn’t fall in love with the gorgeous color of the sea, but the mesmerizing blue his son carried in his eyes. That the sound he never wanted to miss wasn’t the roaring of racing cars through Monte Carlo, but a laugh so obnoxious that Lewis could recognize it blindfolded in the middle of the crowded pitlane. That he had debated selling this place and moving away a thousand times in the last few years, but his hands were bitterly restrained by what was now only a ghost of the past. But his ego would never let him be honest.)
“Of course, it’s still as beautiful as when I saw it for the first time… Especially its tax laws.”
He winked at the older driver and his laughter was so loud that Lewis could convince himself that he had interpreted far too much into the other man’s statement. But his words had been a shot across the bow and Lewis didn’t want to leave it up to chance that Keke would sink him entirely, so he opted for a tactical retreat instead.
“I’m really sorry, but I need to get going because I’m already late… But it was a pleasure running into you.”
“Of course, run along! Have a nice evening!”
He escaped quickly and when he waved back at them while walking away, he could swear that he felt Nico stare at him until he disappeared down the hill in his Uber.
[*5.]
The fifth time they saw each other, it was after the end of the season and Lewis had just narrowly missed out on the championship again, only this time under the worst circumstances and to Max Verstappen. When Lewis sees him coming in the opposite direction in the hallway, he’s reminded of Nico’s championship win. It makes him think back to it only because Nico had been the one to break his winning streak first and now it happened again. Lewis had secretly fantasized about the moment Nico would have to congratulate him on his championship for the first time since he had retired and now it was all ruined. He hadn’t talked to any press or reporters (or anyone really) for about four weeks now and had instead caught himself talking to Roscoe a lot more just to have talked at all on some days.
A part of him considered just brushing past Nico, but they had only just returned to polite speaking terms and he didn’t want to ruin that entirely just yet. He had accepted that the FIA wouldn’t change anything now and that this was just how it was, even if it was beyond unfair in his opinion. So he exhaled and inhaled deeply one final time as Nico lightly waved at him. It didn’t feel great to be treated like an abused animal that would bolt at the wrong noise, but he had no energy left in him to be as snappish as he usually was with Nico and so he just let him talk.
“Hey.”
“… Hey.”
“I guess I don’t need to ask you how you’re feeling.”
Lewis doesn’t even give a response to that because he was exactly right. He can see the nervous way that Nico fiddled with the cuffs of his shirt, but he was too tired and numb to act in a way that might have set the other man more at ease. He half-expected Roscoe to tug him away down the hallway, but instead he sits by Nico and wags his tail how he had always had ever since Lewis got him. It’s incredible that Roscoe will never know why this felt like an intimate betrayal, because he’s a loyal dog who can only be loyal to an extent he understands; and Nico hurt him in a way that not even Lewis himself really understands, so how can he blame Roscoe for wanting to feel Nico’s hand on him?
“It wasn’t right what they did, but I assume the investigation is closed?”
Lewis just nods because he’s too tired to speak and even if he could, he currently didn’t really trust his own voice to talk to any other being than Roscoe.
“Of course it is… But hey if it’s any comfort; You have gotten your streak broken before. Me and anyone else that followed your career know that you will just come back greater again.”
And what Lewis didn't expect was that those words cradled him in a warm embrace until the warmth reached even his heart. Nico smiles at him like he smiled back when their biggest fights were about who ate more of the vanilla ice cream and Lewis is surprised to find that he actually believed his words. The other man lightly hit his shoulder in the same encouraging manner he used to after races and Lewis catches himself genuinely smiling back at him, not just with the smile he put on for the press. And even though he had no words to offer right now, he felt like Nico still understood him (like he had always understood). There’s another tap on his shoulder before Nico was gone again and for the first time since the season ended, Lewis could finally see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.
[*+1]
The next time they saw each other was another couple weeks later at the entrance gate. Lewis just come back from his run when he saw Nico, groceries in hand and swearing at the closed gate. He tried to catch his breath from a small distance away before approaching, looking at Nico waving his keycard around like it was going to perform a magical spell. Lewis then stepped next to him, already chuckling before Nico had even registered his presence.
“Having some trouble?”
The other man rolled his eyes, but couldn’t really say anything different.
“Yeah, my card isn’t working and Jean isn’t inside the control booth.”
Jean was their man for every job, from security to housework, he managed almost everything in their complex. But that also meant he was pulled away from the desk sometimes if he was needed elsewhere or sometimes he simply patrolled the premise. Lewis chuckled again and pulls out his own card out of his pocket to swipe it by the sensor, but to his surprise, that did nothing either.
“See?”
Lewis shushes him and tried again, this time directly touching the sensor for a longer time, but no response again. He allowed himself a curse word before trying to wipe the chip of his card on his shirt and trying it again another time, but that also failed. Nico sighed and shook his head before he got out his phone.
“Nevermind, I will just call Jean and tell him we need him.”
“… You know Rosberg, this is exactly your problem. You give up too easily.”
Nico freezes before turning around to look him in the face with an expression that let Lewis know that he had caught onto the underlying reference of his statement immediately. It wasn’t fully intentional, but apparently old habits really do die hard.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Lewis crosses his arms and holds his glare because they both knew perfectly well what he was referring to.
“You know exactly what I mean. You would rather quit than face a challenge head-on.”
He could see that this got to Nico, who shut his phone off again, seeming to have forgotten about the issue at hand to glare at Lewis instead. A part of Lewis knew that he was beating a dead horse at this point, but he had always been one to need closure to be able to move on and Nico just happened to be the one person that had never properly granted it to him.
“I faced you as head-on as anyone ever could, Lewis. I faced you for three years and after always losing out to you, I finally won. I think it might be more accurate to say that you never know when to quit.”
And of course it’s a terrible idea to pick fights with Nico of all people, because he knew exactly where Lewis’ weak spots were ever since they were kids. But this time it was even worse because Lewis’ injury from losing his eight title to Max was still rather fresh and so when Nico (of all people) pressed his finger deep into the gaping wound, he snapped.
“Fuck you.”
“Fuck you. You know what, Lewis? You have such a hard time to let go because you don’t have anything else that fulfills you in life as much as racing does and this is why you’re scared. Scared of losing and retiring eventually, because you fear that no matter how much you try to fill that hole, you will miss it miserably for the rest of your life.”
Nico might as well have used a knife because it would have probably caused about the same amount of pain. Losing was something Lewis thought he had gotten better at, but deep down he knows he will never be someone that is able to accept defeat with grace. It’s incredible that Lewis had lived under the illusion that just because so many years had passed since their falling out, Nico didn’t know him anymore. Maybe it was because the time they had been apart hadn’t even been a third of the time they spent almost glued together, so he might have been a bit too naïve to think those couple of years was all it took to get rid of Nico. They had exchanged very few nice words since then but in a strange way, the figuratively broken bone between them had grown back together over time; perhaps just not in the right way.
“… I never want to become someone that gets used to losing.”
“But that’s the risk you run. Every season, you run the risk of losing. Or you retire, like I did.”
And as much as Lewis hates to admit it, that was one of the smartest moves Nico had made in his entire life. He got what he wanted, he reached the highest goal that one could achieve in their sport and with the trophy in hand, he made his exit. He didn’t give anyone, including Lewis, the chance to challenge him for the title. He decided not to take the risk of losing again. In a way, Lewis understood him, but in another way he also thought he was a coward for it.
“Just because I don’t like losing doesn’t mean I’m afraid of it.”
And when he spoke those words, he immediately regretted it because nothing would be able to shield him from the fury that radiated off of Nico when he registered Lewis’ words.
“… You really think everything is always about you? You think I didn’t get back into that car because I was afraid you would beat me? If that’s the case, then you’re still the same egoist that I remember.”
“Then why didn’t you?!”
Lewis doesn’t remember the last time he yelled at someone because it’s just not like him. He doesn’t like to be angry with people and he knows that raising your voice is never the right way to resolve an argument, but something about Nico just did this to him. It made him so uncontrollably mad still when he thought about him, them and everything that happened in the last few years. Time supposedly healed all wounds but Nico was a wound that turned into a scab and before it could fully heal, Lewis scratched it open again every time. He could see the angry wrinkles of Nico’s face slowly flatten out as he took a deep breath before he finally answered while looking Lewis directly in the face.
“I said it in one of the interviews at the ceremony. To beat you, I had to throw everything at it. I rarely saw my family, I could never sleep right and on certain days I was so wired that I wouldn’t eat… My mood was shitty all of the time and I just became somebody that I didn’t like. In the end, it paid out, but I systematically destroyed myself for it. Would you have preferred that? That I would have fought you until it broke me? Just so you could feed your ego and prove to everyone that you’re better than me?”
Silence took the floor between them because the confession shell-shocked Lewis with such a weird mix of feelings that he genuinely didn’t know what to say.
“You always won over me for so many years and even then you couldn’t let me have this one thing you knew I wanted more than anything in life ever since we were kids. Also not being able to celebrate your friends’ success is also a terrible character trait to have.”
Now it seemed like Nico just tried to get everything else that he had wanted to say to Lewis off his chest, so Lewis couldn’t stop him if he wanted to. Nico had never mentioned these things and first he feels terrible that he essentially caused Nico to feel like that all those years ago. At the same time, it also felt strangely complimentary because Nico basically admitted that winning came naturally easier to Lewis. But everything he said, no matter what the implications were, crashed onto him with a weight that made Lewis unsure if he could still breathe normally.
“… You have never told me any of this.”
Nico looks at him with a glare that didn’t even hold half the malice it used to before sighing and adverting his gaze down to his groceries.
“Would it have made a difference?”
It was a loaded question and Lewis couldn’t escape it if he tried to. He supposes it wouldn’t have made much of a difference, because he would have just told Nico that if he couldn’t handle the pressure, then he should just quit. He feels bewildered even imagining it now after so many years and personal character development and reflection, but if he was honest with himself, that’s how he would have reacted. So perhaps it was exactly the right time for him to hear this from Nico.
“… I’m sorry.”
In this moment he remembers Sebastian saying that he doesn’t apologize for winning (for whatever reason) and it’s ironic because Lewis hadn’t won and instead he felt like the biggest loser in the world, but this was all his emotions would let him say right now. Nico looked like Lewis had just confessed a murder with the wide-eyed look he was giving him, almost not trusting his own ears. Lewis looked away because he felt something he didn’t feel often; shame.
“I was not a good friend to you. Even less of a good teammate. I can see and admit that now.”
There was so much more he wanted to say, but he physically could not form the words. They both knew that this sport wasn’t really a team sport no matter what people said, but Lewis didn’t want to become someone that became blind with his own ego. When he looked back now, he cringed at his stubbornly arrogant ways and perhaps the shame was part of why it took so long for him to apologize. He was very aware that they couldn’t just go back to how they were, but sometimes he wishes that they could just…-
“Let’s go karting some time.”
The suggestion burst out of him without thinking and Nico probably thought that he was going insane with how many tidbits he was just unloading onto him now, but for some reason Lewis felt like if they would just go karting together one more time, everything would be okay again. What he certainly doesn’t expect was for Nico to start laughing so hard that the groceries were becoming endangered.
“It makes so much sense that you’re one of the biggest personalities this sport will ever know.”
If the circumstances were any different, Lewis might have thought that he was mocking him, but it sounded really genuine – just like the smile he wore when he finally looked at Lewis again.
“Thank you for your words. And if you really want to go karting, sure. Just let me know when you’re home.”
And it hits Lewis like blunt-force trauma to his ribcage that all Nico really wanted was an apology even after all these years and that understanding made it hard for him to breathe for a second. Lewis used to be so greedy that he couldn’t even let his best friend have his own moment in the sun and so all he could think about now was how he glad he was that he wasn’t that kind of person anymore (and how he would prove it to Nico).
“Ah, monsieurs! Is everything alright?”
With almost cinematic timing, Jean rounded the corner of the entrance with a big tool box while Lewis was still halfway drowning in all his realisations. Nico just chuckled before getting his card out once more and they exchange a few words in French before Jean opens the gate manually. Lewis dully heard him say something about a power outage, but he truly couldn’t care less about that right now.
“Merci, bonne soirée.”
Nico smiles and gestures for Lewis to step through the gate first before following him to the elevator in the entrance hall. They were stood side by side and Lewis was staring a hole into the wall until Nico nudged at his knee with one of the grocery bags.
“Don’t break your head, you will still need it next season. But just don’t burn yourself out. Remember that you have done enough and you don’t need to prove yourself anymore. I think the eight championships speak for themselves.”
Lewis doesn’t correct him and smiles instead.
“And if you want, we can bet a home-cooked meal on whoever loses in karting.”
Nico proposes it with the same competitive gleam in his eyes that Lewis knew all too well from their time racing each other and it felt so nostalgic that he caught himself missing it on the grid. Part of him is convinced this was all just a dream, but in the end he will take whatever Nico will allow him to have – even if it was only make-believe. He shakes his head and chuckles, seeing Nico’s own mouth curl into a smile as Lewis looked over at him again.
“Sure, game on.”