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It's on nights like this where he lets his mind wander.
Coming up with all kinds of scenarios, head full of thoughts and mouth full of ramyeon. He slowly strings it along, mindlessly with no specific aim or reason behind his actions. A knock on wood grabs his attention.
“Hey.”
Jake looks up from his bowl and meets eyes with the tall figure leaning against the doorway. Heeseung gives him a small smile, hands tucked into his favourite sweats. A pink beanie (Jake's) sits atop his messy bed head. Brown eyes flicker to the table. “you mind if I join?”
Jake answers with a smile of his own. “Nah.” he says in English, tapping the empty seat beside him.
To be completely honest with you, Jake can't remember when this started. At first they'd had their late night meals almost everyday, regardless of their early schedules the next day. However, when their tour began, they became busier, barely had any time to hang out and simply going to sleep was a more common occurrence.
By the time Heeseung pulls his chair out and sits, there's already a pair of chopsticks in his hand. Jake silently pushes the bowl into the centre so they can easily share.
There's silence for the first few minutes. The only sounds being the low hum of the fridge, traffic and life bustling outside below and the slurping of noodles. It's nice.
Jake is the first to break it.
“So about that night…” his words die in his throat, catching Heeseung pause mid-chew in his peripheral.
The older between the two swallows and places his chopsticks down excruciatingly slow. “Um… yeah.” he doesn't look at him, instead his eyes are glued onto the wooden table. “About that… it was-”
“I didn't… exactly hate it.” Jake says before Heeseung can finish. He almost doesn't want him to, scared the conversation might verge towards what he's expecting. Fuck . He thinks to himself. This could backfire. Very badly.
His mind flashes back to a week ago, downing drinks like water as if they didn't have a concert the very next day, wandering hands and soon enough, soft white sheets against his bare back.
He swallows, mouth suddenly dry. “Did you?”
When Heeseung looks back up at him, there's a storm in his eyes. Silent but tumultuous. Jake can tell just by the way his lips tighten, face going stoic that this isn't going the way he hoped. He feels himself deflate.
“Um…yeah, about that night.” Heeseung says slowly, almost as though he's carefully choosing his next words to prevent a misunderstanding. “I didn't hate it either.” Finally, he looks straight into his eyes. “But it can't happen again.”
There's a weird feeling in his chest when Heeseung says it. An odd twisting sensation but he buries it with the thought: It's fine. It's fine. The nod he gives him is almost painful. “Okay.”
Heeseung looks back down to their bowl of ramyeon and wordlessly continues eating albeit with less enthusiasm compared to earlier. But Jake is still staring at him. He wants to ask. Needs to ask him why.
“Okay.” he repeats. “I'm guessing we should also agree to never bring it up again?”
Heeseung's response is almost immediate. “Of course! Imagine the catastrophe it would cause if anyone found out.” Jake watches him glance anxiously to the door. He leans over slightly, voice hushed. “Our careers would be over in an instant. Besides, I'm not…” A heavy moment of silence. “I'm not like that. ”
Jake isn't sure how he feels about that last part but suddenly, his mouth is moving faster than his brain can register. “Hyung, I'm bi.”
The way Heeseung's eyes widen and jaw slackens is almost comical when he says it. For some reason, he wants to push it, wants to draw an even more dramatic reaction from the older. “And everyone close to me —family and the guys included– know too.”
“I…” Heeseung begins, clearly trying to piece a sentence together after all Jake has said to him in the span of 10 seconds. After moments of awkward silence, he finally settles on: “I didn't know that.”
Jake shrugs in response, the action feeling stiff. “I wasn't flaunting it around but I wasn't exactly hiding it either.”
“Oh.” is all Heeseung says.
A few more seconds of silence pass before Jake sighs and rises from his seat.
“G'night.” Jake mutters, barely able to look Heeseung in the eye. He doesn't know how to feel. Heeseung just told him he wasn't into guys. And yet, that night… happened and he enjoyed it. He says he's 'not like that' and yet… his eyes tell him something different.
“W- Hold on.”
Jake turns to him and the sight before him nearly breaks Heeseung's heart.
“Jake…”
Before he even knows it, Jake feels a tear run down his face. Then another and soon enough he can't make them stop.
“Jake…” Heeseung repeats, not sure of what to do.
“What is it hyung?” he's so calm and emotionless when he says it that it scares Heeseung for a bit. “What do you want from me?”
The silence that follows is somehow even more tense, the air completely still despite the open window. It spans seconds, maybe minutes or hours, Jake doesn't know. All until Heeseung rises from his chair and is walking towards him.
Just like that, the tension is sliced into two when the sound of bare feet patting down the hallway comes closer.
In a hurry, Jake wipes away his tears, tries to calm his breathing before a half-asleep Sunghoon waddles into the kitchen. Heeseung has gone back to his spot, awkwardly dipping the chopsticks in and out. He doesn't even look at the both of them.
Sunghoon stops when he notices the two presences in the room before setting eyes on Jake's red-rimmed eyes.
It's a running joke in the fandom that Sunghoon is a loud introvert, one that can't read social cues and is an adorably clumsy guy, one who's more visual than brains. They all know it's meant in a lighthearted manner and that it's nowhere near the truth. Because fact is, Sunghoon is way smarter than what he lets people know. How observant he is and how he knows when and when not to say something.
So, Sunghoon being Sunghoon, gives them one more look, one that lasts a bit longer on Jake before politely excusing himself back to his room.
The kitchen is enveloped back into silence and neither of them move for at least a few minutes.
"Goodnight Heeseung."
And just like that, Jake is gone.
Heeseung sits there and stares into the soggy noodles for a bit longer, unable to decipher the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach.