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When Gyuvin holds up the trophy for Favorite New Artist at MAMA, he is alone.
He’s not alone, per se, but it sure feels like it. When it is announced, the crowd explodes accordingly, full of noise and color that Gyuvin can’t feel himself walk on stage, can’t remember himself thank the fans and can’t remember walking off the stage. Gyuvin somehow finds himself between Gunwook and Matthew once they walk off the stage, and Gunwook is squeezing his arm so hard while jumping up and down and Matthew gives Gyuvin such a big hug he almost can’t breathe.
After the award show, they all parade around behind the stage and Gyuvin lets himself free, just for a while. It’s kind of sad, kind of strange because he's dreamed about this moment for a very long time, but something is off. Whatever it is, Gyuvin isn’t sure.
They’ve won, yes, but Gyuvin is not happy.
Jiwoong holds the trophy for a while, and everyone lets him. He’s earned it, all of them have. But it means more to Jiwoong than to anyone else. It trickles its way through all of them— and it comes to Gyuvin last. It’s surprisingly underwhelming, but as he holds it, he feels his eyes water and he starts to cry. “Don’t cry, Gyuvin! Why are you crying?" Hanbin shouts at him, smiling ear to ear.
He is tired; a weary kind of tired. There's nothing he wants to do more than sleep. He’s never wanted anything more than this, he’s always wanted this trophy, but once it’s in front of him, he just remembers the sweaty air of the Yuehua practise room while he stared up into the fluorescent ceiling lights and wondered how much homework he'd have to finish that night. Ricky would hold his hand through it all—like his lifeline, waiting to catch him just in case he’d crumble. Gyuvin did the same for him. His hands would be warm. Always.
Today, his hands are cold as he curls his fingers into his palms in an attempt to gather body heat. He excuses himself to go to the washroom, and in the hallway, the warm presses and smiles of different people greet him everywhere he goes, but it’s never the one he wants to see.
When Gyuvin achieves both his and Ricky’s dream, Ricky is not there.
He hasn’t been for a long time.
Gyuvin is losing his mind.
It’s been only a few months since he’s seen Ricky. It feels like years. He knows from Yujin that he’d gone back to Shanghai, and that’s all he knows. He’s tried to reach out, but Ricky’s never answered. So he turned his mind to the dream they both shared— win the Rookie of the Year, and Ricky will… Ricky will… Gyuvin’s not so sure. But Ricky will do something.
Gyuvin has won the goddamn thing. He’s told no one as he steals the stupid trophy from Japan to China and takes a two hour taxi ride into Ricky’s fancy neighborhood. Gyuvin finds himself in front of his door in the worst storm in a while, the wind blowing so hard he can barely keep his eyes open.
He presses the bell on Ricky’s door as he slouches against one of the walls, holding his backpack strap with his left hand as he waits. It takes about twenty seconds before Gyuvin hears muffled footsteps approaching, a soft voice that he hasn’t heard in months call out a, “coming, Meiqing, give me a second.”
Although he doesn’t understand Mandarin, he sounds just like Gyuvin remembered him to sound like. He speaks so gently, with such indulgence and sincerity that Gyuvin’s heart hurts like hell when he opens the door, smiling but freezes when he sees Gyuvin.
“Ricky,” Gyuvin says.
Ricky closes the door on him, and Gyuvin thinks he hears the lock clicking. His unspoken words hit him in the face, flying off into the distance— Ricky-yah, let me in. We can go out for drinks together again, isn’t that fun? I can tell you everything, Ricky. I trained so hard just for you. Tell me I did a good job, please. I’m supposed to be happy, right? Why does my heart feel like it’s breaking into a million pieces? Is it because of you? Instead of saying anything, he sits down at Ricky’s doorstep with a heavy sigh, the trophy next to him as he gets rained on. He might get sick the next day, but Gyuvin doesn’t really care.
He doesn’t know if it’s been an hour or a minute or a few seconds before Ricky’s opening the door again, a pained expression on his face that Gyuvin almost has to look away because he can’t stand looking at it. Ricky opens the door a bit bigger, and Gyuvin jumps up at the chance because God knows if Ricky will let him back in another time. It’s a little pathetic how easily Ricky succumbs, and Gyuvin feels pathetic for liking it. Ricky’s probably thinking the same because he stares at the wall behind Gyuvin, saying “just this once,” but both of them know it’s a lie.
"I've missed you," Gyuvin tells him, and Ricky twitches and drops his gaze to the floor, and he backs away to let Gyuvin into what seems to be the living room, his arms crossed.
“Why are you here? And how did you get my address?”
“Hao-hyung gave it to me.”
“Of course he did,” Ricky sighs, and Gyuvin notices that there are little hair clips in Ricky’s hair. One of them is shaped like a strawberry, and Gyuvin gets such a dizzying rush of nostalgia looking at it that he almost forgets to listen to his next line. “Aren’t you supposed to be at MAMA right now?”
“It’s already over,” Gyuvin says. “I wanted to come home.”
Ricky flinches and turns away. “Go back to Korea, then. You don’t live here.”
Gyuvin stares at Ricky’s back. "I meant I wanted to come see you."
"We're not dating anymore," Ricky says.
"I'll always be yours,” Gyuvin retorts right back. Yours, your friend, anything you want. I just want to be near you, always, Gyuvin thinks. He’s telling the truth either way.
Ricky doesn’t answer and simply stands there for a moment. Gyuvin’s not sure why he keeps waiting for the memo, for Ricky to nod so that Gyuvin can take his hand and pull him into a warm hug. Instead, Ricky just gestures to the couch as he tells him to sit down and wait for him to get him some water.
It’s late, and Ricky must be tired. He probably has classes tomorrow. Gyuvin knows Ricky went back to art instead of trying to go into the idol life once more, which Gyuvin kind of admires. He’s also not very sure what he expected when he decided to come here. Half of him had hoped, really fucking badly that Ricky would welcome him with open arms, a hug and an apology like— I’m sorry for avoiding you, I shouldn’t have broken up with you because I felt like you deserved better than me. I know you don’t think that way, I know you would’ve been with me every step of my journey. Stay the night, please? He knows they’re both upset at each other, and many, many things need to be unraveled but he couldn’t help but think surely, things cannot change too much.
Ricky returns with a towel and a cup of warm water, which Gyuvin appreciates greatly as he smiles at him. Ricky smiles back, but it’s a weary sort of smile. His heart hurts. “Do you want something to eat?”
Gyuvin just shakes his head, even though he is and Ricky sits down next to him, a bit farther than Gyuvin would like as he dries his hair. It’s so surreal sitting here, Gyuvin thinks, because everything smells and feels like Ricky. In the dimmed lighting, Ricky looks like a shadow— hunched over, looking down, he could’ve been anyone, and in a way, Gyuvin wants to believe that he was. That he was just another stranger.
“Book a flight home tomorrow,” Ricky says after a while. “I’ll ask the housekeeper to get the guest room ready so you can sleep there tonight,” he says evenly. “I’ll ask my driver to come pick you up to go to the airport, okay?”
Gyuvin just stares at him. “That’s all you’re going to say?”
“What do you want me to say?”
Gyuvin exhales. “I won,” he says, struggling to keep his voice calm, but the words hurt as they leave his tongue. “Won’t you congratulate me?”
Ricky leans closer to him, and Gyuvin sucks in a breath as Ricky puts his hand on his shoulder. It’s insanely platonic. He gives him a small smile and says, “congratulations, Gyuvin,” but it's not exactly what Gyuvin wants to hear.
“Don’t say it, if you don’t mean it,” Gyuvin tells him and Ricky’s face falls immediately. “You’re right, I’m sorry,” he says, pulling his arm away. “I won’t do it again.”
He stands up and says, “goodnight, Gyuvin. The guest room is the second door on the right from that corridor,” he points down it, and he’s gone.
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky plays on a constant loop in his mind as he gets ready to sleep in a new environment, the surroundings taunting him even more with what he no longer has. He remembers endless summer afternoons on the back of his bike, a steadying press of arms around his shoulders, a smile that was meant for just him. They’d go to the practise room together, leave together, do everything together. Gyuvin asked him once why he never bothered to find any other same-aged friends to hang out with— not that he was ever complaining, though.
“I dunno. It’s fun, being with you,” Ricky had said, his eyes shining with earnestness.
Gyuvin always stops reminiscing after that.
It usually hurts to do so.
He doesn’t think about Boys Planet, doesn’t think about the light draining from Ricky’s once bright eyes, doesn’t think about promises of debut and growing old together. He thinks, bitterly, that Boys Planet was never worth all of this. If he had refused, Ricky would have followed him. They would’ve left YueHua together if they had to. Gyuvin knows he would’ve.
Why couldn’t they have stayed like that forever? It would’ve been fun, frozen in time at the ripe age of seventeen, with Ricky always by his side. It’s kind of unfair, because all Gyuvin has wanted in the world was really just one person. Just one. The only person willing to put Gyuvin first, the only person that inspired Gyuvin to work harder, make an effort for.
The only person he wants is someone Gyuvin isn’t allowed to have.
Gyuvin isn’t able to sleep at all that night.
He’s still wide awake when it’s morning, and he hears movement outside his door and presumes it’s Ricky. It is, because Ricky’s packing his art supplies in the living room when Gyuvin walks out, and the latter freezes a bit like he’s forgotten Gyuvin was there in the first place. He walks closer to Ricky and unzips his bag, their gazes meeting. “Here,” Gyuvin lifts the award into Ricky’s arms. "It's for you."
Ricky looks at it for a long moment, and Gyuvin watches as he presses his face into his shoulder. He feels Ricky shaking, and Ricky manages to choke out a, “Gyuvin,” before Gyuvin’s embracing him, his arms tightening around the other's waist as he cries out.
“Ricky," Gyuvin says, pulling away and pressing their foreheads together. Ricky flinches, his nose bumping against Gyuvin’s. "Hey, please, don’t cry. You wanted this, right?" he forces out a grin and takes it out of Ricky’s arms. “Look, I— I did it. I got it for you, just for you.” He’s half-desperate as he wipes away his own tears that he didn’t know were falling. “Won’t you smile, Ricky? You look the prettiest when you smile.”
Ricky laughs, tears spilling down his face. He drags a hand across his face and smiles weakly, and there's something so utterly broken in his face that Gyuvin feels his heart break into two. The award tumbles to the side as Ricky throws his arms around Gyuvin’s neck once more, so Gyuvin holds him back, close enough that he feels Ricky’s heart beating.
“I miss you, and I’m sorry,” Gyuvin murmurs. He doesn’t really know what he’s sorry for. Maybe everything. He should’ve been there for Ricky, even though the other had pushed him away initially. He should’ve understood him better, because Ricky had his dreams crushed by Boys Planet and Gyuvin just left him to debut. He wasn’t there then, but he’s here now, and now might be all he gets for the rest of his life before he gets kicked out.
Ricky shakes his head again. He leans into Gyuvin, the sunrise light coming from the window making him look like an angel. “I’m sorry for being such a mess,” he admits. “I felt like I didn’t deserve you, because you— you shined so much on the stage, you know? And you’re famous, like proper famous now and I tried to bring myself to hate you but I can’t,” he punches Gyuvin’s chest but it’s half-hearted. “I shouldn't have exploded on you. So please, please don’t apologise.”
“I still want to, though,” Gyuvin shakes his head. “I still have something to apologise to you about.”
“What is it?”
Gyuvin couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry that even though you tried pushing me away, I keep coming back to you. I love you. I’ve always loved you. Embarrassingly and insanely pathetic, I know, but I’ve never stopped. So I’m sorry for coming here because I couldn’t stop myself.”
“You still love me?”
Gyuvin’s eyebrows quirked upwards. “This can’t be news to you. Why else would I come here?”
“Dunno,” Ricky shrugged, and the light in his eyes came back for a brief second as he said, “‘cause you’re kind of an idiot.”
“Wow,” Gyuvin pouted, and Ricky laughed— a genuine, happy laugh that Gyuvin wanted to keep in his memory forever.
Ricky’s eyes suddenly moved from Gyuvin’s eyes to his lips, and he started leaning forward. Gyuvin thought his heart might beat out of his chest. Nonetheless, he placed a hand on Ricky’s shoulder. “Are you sure, Ricky?”
A smile passed over his lips. “I’ve never been more sure,” he said, and Gyuvin felt the press of his lips against his own. He kissed him and then pulled away, eyes wide with shock and body leaning forward to do it again.
Gyuvin pulled Ricky in, pressing their mouths together again— eagerly, greedily, desperately. He felt no pain as he did. Being with Ricky had never hurt him. Being away from him had.
He’s crying as he pulls away— his fingers twisted into the neck of Gyuvin’s shirt. They part for a short moment, because oxygen, and Gyuvin is chasing after him again, kissing him to make up for the time they’ve spent apart. It’s his thousandth ‘I love you’, and he really hopes Ricky feels it.
"I can't believe you," Ricky says when Gyuvin pulls away for air, just short of scathing. He's beautiful even with tears in his eyes, all glittery and soft, and Gyuvin can taste salt on his tongue. "Can't believe you brought this stupid thing here, are you crazy?"
"It's no big deal," Gyuvin says. Because it was for you.
“The Rookie Award, Gyuvin, of course it's a big deal—"
"Not when it was for you," Gyuvin murmurs. "Anything’s fine if it's for you."
He knows now that he's a fool for showing up out of the blue like this, thinking it would work out in a matter of minutes, but Ricky's on his lap and he refuses to let go of that victory, at least. "Tell me what I did wrong, tell me why you left," Gyuvin whispers into his ear, tilting their heads together. "Come on, please."
“We're not dating anymore," Ricky mumbles, and before Gyuvin can say something, he keeps on going. "I've been—we've been apart for so long and you shouldn't want to be here, and—"
“Don't speak for me," Gyuvin interrupts. He holds Ricky tight, tighter when he feels him try to pull away. "I will always want you. I did this for you, I do everything for you."
Ricky screams. It's a frustrated cry, tearing from his mouth like it'd burst out of his chest, and Gyuvin jumps at it. Ricky flinches out of his grip and stands, trying and failing to wriggle his hand out of Gyuvin’s, and he snaps, "Don't say that to me, Gyuvin!"
"No, Ricky," he says, stumbling as he chases Ricky and grabs him back immediately, fear like that finale night when he waited and waited and Ricky’s name never got called rushing through his veins. "Ricky, don't be mad, please, I can't take it if you are—"
"Gyuvin, stop—"
Gyuvin kisses him again, briefly, and then he pulls Ricky back onto the couch with him. "I won't do it again," he says. His voice almost sounds pathetic but he makes no attempt to conceal it. "Whatever it was that I did wrong, just tell me, and it won't happen again. I'll do anything, Ricky, please."
Ricky sniffles, and Gyuvin keeps going. "Give me another chance," Gyuvin pleads. He's begging now, clinging onto the sleeves of Ricky’s shirt like a lifeline. "I'll treat you better. I know better now, we both do, we can—we can go back to how it was before, can't we?"
Ricky breathes deep and lets it out, trembling. Gyuvin holds him carefully, catches the tears that slide down his face. "You're everything to me," Gyuvin whispers into the heavy silence, and Ricky winces, as if it's the worst thing he could hear. As if Gyuvin is hurting him.
“I shouldn’t be. You need to focus on your dreams, Gyuvin. I’m a waste of your time–”
“Ricky, you're not a waste of time," Gyuvin tells him. "I chose to want you back then, and I’m choosing again now."
Ricky crumbles in his hands. He bares his teeth, full of desperation as he says, "I made you win the Rookie Award, Gyuvin."
“No. I won it because I love you. I worked hard for it so I could show you." Gyuvin holds himself perfectly still, hyper fixated on the slow thump of Ricky’s heart against his own, and he whispers to him, "I'm sorry I took so long."
Ricky hiccups. "Don't apologize for anything," he mumbles. "You already said sorry too much."
"I'm sorry."
It draws a laugh out of Ricky, and Gyuvin allows himself to smile at it. "Do you really?" Ricky asks quietly, pressing his forehead against Gyuvin’s shoulder.
"Really what?" Gyuvin asks.
Ricky is silent, and Gyuvin nestles his nose into his hair while he waits. It's stupidly soft, just like it used to be. "Do you really still love me?" Ricky finally asks.
Gyuvin wraps his arms around him and pulls Ricky closer. "I’ve never stopped," he says.
Ricky chuckles. "You were right," he says, still sounding a little bitter about it. "I wanted you to come. I expected you to come and I hate myself for being relieved when I saw you at the door." He hesitates, and then he adds, "I thought you'd forget about me.”
“You were wrong," Gyuvin tells him, and Ricky smiles to himself. "Believe me, I tried stopping. I never did."
“I believe it," Ricky murmurs. "I tried to do it myself too— but I just couldn’t. And you show up on my doorstep, telling me you love me. I gave up on all my hardwork, isn't that pathetic?"
"I would too, if you said that to me," Gyuvin says. "I'm not joking."
“Oh, shut up," Ricky grumbles, but he's smiling a little, too. He clambers awkwardly off of Gyuvin’s lap, and Gyuvin doesn't scramble for him this time—not now, Ricky’s telling him wordlessly, so Gyuvin doesn’t. "Look, I really have to go, Gyuvin. I have a lesson early on."
“I know,” Gyuvin nods, and they’re still so distant and different in ways that they have yet to know about each other, but Ricky still looks at him the same way— so fond, so soft and Gyuvin knows that some things will always be the same. "I should probably take that trophy back too."
“Yeah," Ricky mutters. He casts a look at the trophy, abandoned on his carpet. "Go buy a plane ticket online— just use my card, I don’t care. I’ll call my driver to come pick you up when you have to go. I don't want the police showing up at my doorstep because you stole it from MAMA."
He laughs and lets Ricky kiss him on the cheek before he backs away. It's another letdown, the inevitability that he'll have to leave so soon, and it's the sight of him turning his back that spurs him to speak. "I'll come back," he says. Ricky freezes. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Just wait for me. I’ll call you in advance."
Ricky turns to him, and there's something guarded in his expression—but Gyuvin recognizes it— a longing that’s deep in his eyes, and it reassures him to know that they feel the same. "I know you will," Ricky tells him.
Gyuvin smiled. His hands felt warm.