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She hadn’t planned it this way.
She had come to the barn to clear her head. To spend time with her beloved birds. But, everything got to be too much.
Her brain wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t shut off. It felt like something in her had broken, just snapped in half. Too many emotions all at once, she couldn’t escape them. She couldn’t escape her past…her present…what would likely be her future.
Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn’t her life be normal, like all the other girls? She longed for the sense of normality that she would never have. A normality that got destroyed long before she could even remember. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, she knew that much.
There was a time where she didn’t know. She didn’t know that other girls didn’t face the same things she did. She didn’t know that this was not right, that this was not normal. But, the years pressed on and it became clear, the things that went on inside that house were not okay.
Girls were meant to be safe, to be protected. They weren’t supposed to be locked away. They were not supposed to be abused by those who were supposed to protect them.
That wasn’t her life. It never would be. She couldn’t escape it, even alone in the loft, she could still feel the loneliness, even worse she could feel his hands on her. It wasn’t anything she would ever be able to escape. She was perpetually haunted by the thoughts of him and what he had done to her.
She took a deep breath.
She wasn’t sure how she ended up on the precipice of the barn’s loft, but she was there and ready to let herself go. It would stop the thoughts. It would break the cycle. She would finally be free.
“Lizzie, don’t!”
The voice pulled her from the moment.
Alice.
She tried to calm her mind. She couldn’t let Alice see her, not like this. Never like this.
Alice had herself together. She always had, as long as she could remember. Lizzie had always looked up to her. There was something magical about the other woman, something Lizzie couldn’t quite comprehend. Something about her felt safe, warm.
She smoothed out her dress and got her breath under control. At least she thought she had.
As soon as Alice sat down with her, she felt emotions swirling inside her. Not the storm of emotions from before, just an overwhelming sadness. An overwhelming need to be understood. She wished she could open up, wished she could tell Alice everything.
She opened up, at least a little. It was more than she had ever done before. In her mind she knew exactly what she meant, but left it open enough for interpretation. Something about it felt so dirty, she couldn’t say it. She understood that it wasn’t her fault and she hoped that Alice would see that, but it still felt too shameful.
Alice must have understood, at least a little. She held her close, promising to keep her secret safe. Part of her mind wanted to question if it would be the same if she knew everything, would she blame her? But the feeling of Alice’s hand on her face stopped the thought from fully forming. Her touch was beyond anything Lizzie had ever felt. Her hand felt warm in Alice’s, her touch was so gentle as she brushed over her face.
She looked into her eyes, dark pools, warmer than she could believe. She wanted to live in this moment forever, fearing she’d never feel this peace again. For the first time in her life she felt like things might be okay. At least someday. Soon enough, she felt her body relax. She laid her head on the other woman’s shoulder and let herself drift off to sleep.
As the world around her faded into night, “this is love,” settled in her mind. It was what love was supposed to feel like, soft, gentle. There was no pressure, no force. Just love.