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It's been two years, a week and three days since the day Carmilla and Laura decided to end up their relationship and remain friends but who's counting? It was for the best, or that's what they decided to think.
The fact they were having some problems in the relationship and talking about not wanting to lose each other at the end was the path they took -It wasn't like they fought all the time, but they certainly disagreed in a lot of stuff-. They have very different thought about life, and friends, and books, and movies, and places to go. It was either Carmilla or Laura, but one of them had to struggle to keep up with the other's plans.
Carmilla would rather a thousand times to spent the night reading in her apartment's balcony while Laura binge watched on of her shows on Netflix for the nth time instead of going out with the ginger squad. Specially if Danny was there because, even tho she respected their relationship and never dared to make a move when they were together, she still had quite the feelings for Laura, and Carmilla hated the way Xena looked at her girlfriend -even if Laura gave no attention to it-.
Laura would always try to hang out with her friends and Carmilla instead of staying in. At least with the others she could actually talk with her instead of feeling ignored when she watched Orphan Black and her girlfriend was out in the balcony reading her favorite book for the nth time. She had told Carmilla about it, about how she felt no interest from her.
"You don't even try to pretend interest in the things I like, Carm" she said.
"Well I've never seen you pick one of my books for anything but to move them from the couch to the self. You don't even read the back" Carmilla said back. "We don't have to share everything, you know?"
"Yeah I know, but we barely share anything". Laura was sitting between Carmilla's legs. They were watching one of those cooking contest shows. Or at least she was, because Carmilla kept reading every second one of the contestants was talking about their strategy.
"We share your friends" Carmilla said, putting down her book and kissing Laura's head.
Laura turned between Carmilla's legs so she was facing her and took a deep breath before saying the things Carmilla knew were coming. "No we don't. You calling them my friends proves we don't. And we've had this conversation for so many times now I... Carm you make me happy -and I hope I make you happy too because what would be the point if I don't right?- but we... It feels like we're in a neutral pace. It feels like not one of us are trying to go further, you know? It feels like we're stuck and getting apart instead of getting closer and I don't wanna lose you. Your friendship if this doesn't work"
After that conversation, it was Carmilla who made the call. She thought Laura couldn't stand to break up with her, so she broke them up. Not before promising to stay friends and keep things like before they started dating. Normal.
They didn't stay as normal.
Carmilla had gone back to pick up any girl willing to spent the night with her -as if it were hard- and even when they didn't hang out that much as before, she was the one encouraging Laura to give that next step with Danny.
"She's been in love with you since she met you. You don't have anything to lose giving Xena a chance, cupcake. She might make you happy" she had said. Over the phone. Clutching her tv remote with Oitnb paused on Netflix -she had finally given the shiw a chance, why wouldn't Laura give chances to other things too?-.
It's been also a year and two months more or less since they started dating, but Laura isn't counting, because is Danny the one saying "happy one year and -insert month here- anniversary!" Every month. At least Laura remembers it was two months but maybe the third was close.
And it wasn't she didn't care it was just some of Camus' words were stuck in her mind since she read them -because of course she decided to read Carmilla's favorite book months after they broke up. Maybe because it had happened almost a month since she had talked with Carmilla, really talked to her face to face not over text or the phone-. Things were not normal between them.
" "All too often, we know we are happy only when we no longer are" Well that is... Right, indeed" Laura had thought when she finished said sentence. And she always knew she was happy with Carmilla and even after they decided to go back to friends, it wasn't working out for some reason. She was happy for not blowing up her relationship with her former girlfriend but it felt like she had started the wrong chain of events that night, because giving Carmilla the responsibility of choosing their sentimental fate had led their friendship in the awkward path. The one where they grew more apart than when they were a couple.
Danny made her happy, she was an A+ girlfriend. Supportive, interested And they had plenty of common interests, which led to a routine. With Carmilla there was never a routine. There were things that worked one way always but it always was different.
And Laura knows it is wrong to compare between them but she is drunk right now, because she had a fight with Danny about how she needed one day by herself and her tall girlfriend took it as an insult.
"I can't believe you treat me like that when I have dedicated myself to you all this time, Laura. I have done nothing but show you how important you are to me" Danny had said.
"We've been together all week I just need one day Danny. Is not like I'm breaking up with you is just one day. Damn it I am happy with a couple of hours by myself" Laura said back. Danny didn't feel like it was a legit petition... and Laura started comparing the moment Danny left her place slamming the door,
"Carmilla would have never gone. When we got into a fight she always stayed. If she was mad she'd just leave the room and come back to talk things out once she had her head cooled" and it was true. Never once Carmilla had ran off or disappeared after a discussion.
"If I asked Carm for some Me Time she would say "of course cupcake" and kiss me before leaving. But then I would've called her to come back as soon as she got home... And she would"
"Danny always takes me anywhere... Carm would never drive me anywhere, not because she can't. She knows how to drive, but she said she would rather to look at me than to look at the way, so we would take a cab and she always pays the cab"
"Danny always wants to please me. She always asks what I wanna do. Carm would make me cancel plans with my friends if she got something planned. Or if she just wanted to be with me. But she would please me every now and then. But not always"
Laura was taking her phone out when she noticed she was half way down a bottle of vodka. "Carmilla would never get drunk on vodka. She is so classy with the wine and the bubbles and, well, not all classy cuz beer isn't classy... But it is a classic so... It kinda is, yeah"
Going through her contacts to find Carmilla's number, Laura stopped before calling her. "Danny wouldn't stop talking to me if we were going back to friends. She didn't the time I started dating Carm. And she didn't push me to do anything. Carm was way too supportive when I told her about Danny asking me out. She told me to go on and then we stopped talking"
First call got Laura the voicemail and she left another comparison.
"You would never tell me my otps are dumb. Even tho I know you think they're silly you would never tell me because you respect it. Danny always tells me they're dumb, for some reason"
Second call, voice mail again.
"You would pay someone to help me fix my stuff. Danny would try to fix it herself. But you would pay so my computer was perfectly fixed and she, well, Danny made me lose some movies"
Third call, voice mail.
"You would analyze my favorite character with me so I can properly write fanfic if I ask you to. Danny would tell me they're characters so I can write anything and still would work because fanfic is dumb anyway"
Forth call. A voice.
"Laura?"
"Hey" said Laura, laying back on her bed. "I'm sorry to wake you up"
Carmilla looked at her night table clock and shifted to a sitting position. "Why are you calling at 2 am, poptart? Is everything okay?"
"Oh! Danny has never called me anything edible related" Laura said, feeling like she had nailed another comparison. "Sorry I just, I had a fight with Danny. Well she had a fight. I just said things. I said I wanted a day for me because she is always here -it is not bad, she is a great girlfriend right? But lately she's been, we've been bitter. I don't know- she got mad and she stormed out"
"Uh... Alright cupcake" Carmilla said in a whisper.
"Oh... Oh! I'm sorry are you with someone?" Asked Laura, lowering her voice as if Carmilla's companion could hear her.
"No, I'm just kinda sleep, still"
Laura settled on her couch and started ranting. "Alright. You know Carm? Danny wouldn't get away from me if I asked her to be friends, like you did"
"Laura..."
"No wait.. Just listen okay?" Took a deep breathe and kept her talk. "I know we are not in the best terms, and Danny is great but... I am not happy. I miss you and it's been a couple times that I've realized how I've been comparing. No, I've been not comparing I just have been thinking a lot about you lately and about how we are growing apart and about how I know I was happy because now I am not but it is not Danny's fault she is great -I already said that didn't I? But she is is just me, I am not that great"
"You're drunk, buttercup. Get some sleep and we talk in the morning. I'll bring coffee" Carmilla said trying to stop Laura to do something she could regret.
Laura's voice pitched up a little, meaning business or trying to. "No. You are going to listen Carm. Shut up... Okay so here I go..."
"I've been reading some Camus and I've realized why you like it so much. Like that one line you explained to me like, he knows love is not the same for everybody. I get it now.
"It's strange how I got this far with someone else when I kept thinking about you. How my soul betrayed me in every kiss, thinking about you"
"Laura..." Carmilla tried again
"Shut up Carm" and she kept going. "Okay so how could I stop if I wasn't deciding? It was my heart. It wasn't fair you know? If you weren't for me then stars should die and fall all over me.
"I kiss her lips and I only can taste you. When I'm with her it is really hard not to call your name. How do I resist? It hurts... Loving you hurts. "
Silence.
"When she hugs me I only feel your warmth. I close my eyes and I feel like I am cheating on her because my love is not hers. So, if you are not for me... Then get out of my head and let me live. Let me love her" said now a crying Laura. "How do I desist? If this... This... Venom of yours, it hurts. You left your poison love in me and it hurts. I keep tasting you in every kiss and I haven't really tasted you in two years, a week and now it's been almost three days but who's counting?"
Laura kept silence and breathed heavily. Carmilla waited until Laura stopped crying before talking again. "I thought you wanted this. It was your... I know I made the choice but it was... You led us here Laura, you wanted this. I just did what I thought you wanted"
"And you were supposed to argue that with me Carm, not just take my word. The first time you actually do what I want and it fucked us up. We don't even talk anymore and I miss you. Not my friend you, I miss the you who loves me and I miss us together and I miss being happy, Carm"
"You have a girlfriend now, cupcake" Carmilla laughed off.
"Do you miss me?" Laura asked. "If you don't is okay, I'll just... I'm not even gonna remember tomorrow"
But she remembered. She remembered every voice mail she left and every word she said and she remember Carmilla's answer. She didn't really remember falling asleep but she remembered most of the conversation. It was embarrassing but liberating at the same time.
Laura did the best for Danny and herself. Danny was mad, but she was rational and understood. It took her three months to talk again with Laura.
Two days after breaking up with Danny, she texted Carmilla a simple "Hey". Carmilla texted her back and Laura called her.
"So, are you still hangover from two nights ago, poptart?" Was Carmilla's greeting.
"I am perfectly fine thank you" Laura said. "You owe me answers"
"I recall one single unanswered question, not questions" Carmilla said, "but yes"
Laura waited but nothing else was said "Yes what. Yes you miss me or yes you owe me answers?" And nothing came from the other end. "Carm? Are you still there?" She asked, taking her phone from her ear to check if the call was still going -and it was- when someone knocked her door. "Carm, there's someone knocking. I'm guessing you can't hear me or maybe I can't so, call me back again please" and hung up.
Opening to her unexpected visitor, she found herself with Carmilla Karnstein. "This girl just hung up on me. Rude" said Carmilla with her signature smirk on.
"Whaat?" Was all Laura could say.
Carmilla made her way into Laura's apartment. "Oh so you don't remember our conversation? You lied to me. But as I said, I rather to answer tour last question face to face so... You asked do you-"
"Miss me?" Laura interrupted. "I remember... Do you?"
Looking at one particular book on Laura's couch, Carmilla sighed and quoted "There is this quote I should have told you that night. "Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship - never." as for if I miss you... "I have not stopped loving that which is sacred in this world" "
And without knowing what else to say, Laura reached Carmilla. Holding her as if there had been more than two years, two weeks and one day since they broke up... It was now a couple of days since they got back together but who was counting?