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It started with a conversation about the future.
Everyone in the graduating class had been subjected to the same question all year. What would happen after the school year was over? What were they going to do with their lives? Arisa was getting pretty sick of it, especially now that her post-graduation plans had blown up in her face.
But what was she supposed to do when Tohru was the one asking?
Arisa sat in their classroom with Tohru and Hana as they waited for class to start. Hana was perched on the desktop across from her, and Tohru stood between them, talking about her plans to move to the city with Kyo, away from the painful memories in their hometown.
“That does sound nice.” Saki said. “I haven't put much thought into the future, honestly.”
“Yeah, me either.” Arisa sighed. “I'm just trying to focus on making it through final exams at this point.”
“Aren't you going to move into the county with Kureno, Uo?” Tohru asked.
The question felt like a jab to her heart because, yeah, that had been the plan, but it wasn't anymore and Arisa didn't know how to explain why.
She didn't know how to say that during her conversation with Akito, she had realized there were things going on with the Sohmas that she could never hope to understand. That as she stood in Kureno's hospital room with the possibility of a future together laid out before her, Arisa knew that wasn't what she wanted. That the thought of anchoring herself to this guy she had only had a single conversation with suddenly filled her with dread rather than excitement and she didn’t know why.
It was too much to deal with right now. Instead, she opted to give just enough information that hopefully wouldn't result in any follow up questions.
“Nah, I broke it off. I figure the guy's been through enough and the last thing he needs is another girl coming in to complicate things. He should get to be himself for once. On his own.” Arisa stretched her hands behind her head, leaning back in her chair. “That and he's too old for me. I don't think it would work out.”
“Oh! I see! Yeah, that makes sense.” Tohru said, though her smile seemed uneasy. Oh, well. It was a conversation to have later, and thankfully Tohru picked up on that.
“What about you, Hana?” Arisa said, turning the conversation away from her abysmal love life. “I thought you were going to move into that dojo and cook or something? Didn't you have a thing for Kyo's, uh, 'sensei?'”
“That was my intention for a while, yes, but to be honest I was mostly doing that to get a rise out of him.” Saki said with a sly smile. “The city does sound nice. It seems like it would be a good change of pace from here. Probably more work there too.”
“You could come with us Hana! Well– maybe not with us with us, but you could move to the city too. And you could too, Uo! I’ll bet you’d be able to find a good job there.”
And so, it was decided that Saki and Arisa would find an apartment in the city together.
At first Arisa had been worried about leaving her dad, as well as her hometown, behind. But it turned out to be a nicer change than she had anticipated.
There was a kind of anonymity in the city that you just couldn't get in a small town. Though most wouldn't say anything anyway, it was nice to be somewhere where no one knew about all the shitty things in your past. She suspected Saki felt the same way.
On the day of the move Saki's family had showed up in full force, the way they always did, and helped the girls transport their small amount of belongings to the small two-bedroom apartment they would share. Her parents fussed over both of them in the coming days as they helped them find a few pieces of necessary furniture and set them up. At the end of it all, Saki and Arisa sat in a modest apartment with most of their things still in boxes.
It didn't take long for them to get into the swing of things. Arisa found a job working at a nearby shop, and Saki ended up doing editing jobs online while she looked for something more permanent and stable.
She seemed hesitant to leave the apartment, which wasn’t like her, but any time Arisa tried to ask about it, she only received cryptic non-answers. Saki being intentionally strange in an effort to throw her off. Whatever was going on, it was taking a toll on her, that much was clear, and Arisa started to worry. Still, she couldn’t get anything out of Saki.
Not until they went for a walk one afternoon.
It was the first cool day of fall. Arisa had been itching to go for a walk, and took it upon herself to drag Saki out with her.
“Come on, Hana! A little sun would be good for you. It's such a nice day.” Arisa took hold of Saki's desk chair and forcibly rolled her away from her computer.
Hana sighed in defeat, standing before Arisa could pull her into the hallway. “Fine, but if I miss this deadline, I'm telling them it's your fault.”
“Deal.”
They made their way to a park not far from their house. It seemed like they weren't the only ones taking advantage of the weather. The park was busier than normal with kids playing in the grass and couples out for walks.
Arisa and Saki chatted as they walked, until Arisa realized that Saki wasn't at her side anymore.
“Hana?” Arisa asked, turning to look over her shoulder.
Saki had stopped, body rigid with her eyes shut and her hands over her ears.
“Woah, are you okay? What's going on?” Arisa was next to her in an instant, taking her arm.
“I need to leave.” Hana's voice was whisper quiet and strained. She was shaking. “It's the waves. They're too much.”
Arisa sucked in a breath and took in their surroundings, looking for easy exits. “Okay, you got it. Let's go.”
Arisa had never seen her like that before. She tried to keep them off of heavily trafficked streets, opting instead for back alleyways to their home. She wasn't worried about the kinds of people who hung around those places, she had been one of them, once upon a time. She was more concerned with Saki, who was white as a sheet.
“I'm sorry.” Saki mumbled at last as they neared their home.
“For what?” Arisa asked.
“It's been difficult to control the waves ever since we moved to the city. You were so excited to go out and I should have known I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I still went anyway. I've ruined everything. Just like I always do.”
Arisa stared at Saki, shocked. She had only ever heard Saki speak like that once before, back when her past had come back to haunt her. Back when Saki had been at her lowest. She really didn't like what that meant. “What? It's fine, Hana. It doesn't matter. I just want to make sure you're okay.”
“It does matter.” Saki snapped. “I'm supposed to be able to control my powers and now I can't. What happens if I can't get them under control again? What happens if I hurt someone again? What happens if I hurt you?”
“Hey, stop, Hana. Look at me.” Arisa put her hands on Saki's shoulders all but forcing Saki to look at her. “I told you it's okay. You're not a burden and you don't need to apologize like you are one, got it? You’re not going to hurt anyone because we’re going to figure this out. Together. You're not in this alone anymore.”
“Okay.” Saki said, dropping her head and following Arisa the rest of the way home.
In the end, it didn’t take much for Saki’s control over her powers to improve. They started with small outings every so often, letting her get used to the differences in the waves and working on shutting them out the way she had before. Over time, the fear diminished too, and that really helped get things moving.
It was still a work in progress, but Arisa didn’t mind.
She meant what she said. Saki wasn’t alone. She wasn’t going anywhere.
-
Or maybe it started after a long day at work.
The holidays always made her days longer and more stressful. She had gotten in at nine and hadn't moved from her spot behind the register in hours. The line never seemed to get any shorter and the people only got less patient. Arisa was focused on bagging items and getting people out as fast as possible.
“There you go have a—” Arisa stopped short as she set the shopping bag at the counter.
The woman standing in front of her was her mother. Older, certainly, but no doubt the same woman who had left her behind as a child. Dread dropped heavy in Arisa's stomach as she stared at the woman. A stranger to her now.
“Thank you.” The woman said, looking confused in a friendly sort of way. Not in a ‘hey are you my long-lost daughter’ kind of way. She took her bag. “Have a good night.”
“Yeah, have a good one.” She was rattled, and despite the few careless mistakes in the next transaction, Arisa managed to make it through the rest of her shift without breaking down.
But as she started her walk home, body numb and far away, the same thoughts kept coming back, again and again.
There had been no recognition in her mother's eyes. Nothing to indicate that she knew she was talking to her child. Arisa supposed that was understandable, to an extent. She wasn't a child anymore. Just the adult left behind in the mess that her mother made.
Tears had threatened to fall the entire walk home, but she managed to make it to her room before completely breaking down. She cried harder than she had in her entire life. It sucked. She was pissed off. She didn't want to be crying over that woman anymore.
There was a tap on the door followed by a quiet voice. “Uo? Are you alright? Can I come in?”
“Ugh.” Arisa groaned, smearing the tears off her face as best as she could. “Yeah, yeah. It's fine.”
Saki slid into the room, peering at her friend. Her face went dark. “Who do I need to kill?”
Arisa laughed, despite herself. “No, no, don't kill anybody. I'm fine. I just– I saw my mom again.”
“My offer still stands. I can kill her for you.”
“It's fine.”
“Clearly, it isn't.”
“I don’t know. I just–” Arisa huffed when she realized Saki wasn't going to let up. “At this point I thought I’d never see her again. And that I’d dealt with all of this shit already. But she didn’t even know who I was. Didn’t even flinch. And now it’s bringing all that same old shit back up again.”
“That’s understandable, all things considered.” Saki had made her way to Arisa, sitting down beside her on the floor.
“It’s like all of a sudden I’m eight again, standing there wondering why she left me behind. I used to sit at home and wonder when she was gonna come back. Didn't help that my old man always said that she would all the time. 'She'll come to her senses some day, just you wait.' Then she didn't. I thought it was my fault. Like if I was just a better kid then maybe she wouldn't have left me behind. Maybe she would have taken me with her. I just wanted my mom back. I just wanted her to love me.”
Saki pushed closer to her, a steady wall at her side, quiet but listening. That was the thing Arisa always liked about Saki. She knew how to just be with you. Not having to fill the space, just be and let the moment be.
“It's stupid that just seeing her can make me feel like that again.” Arisa laughed. “God it's so pathetic.”
“I don't think so. She's your mother. Of course you wanted her to love you.”
“Yeah, well–” Woof, she was not ready to face more feelings right now. Arisa stood, pulling clothes out of her closet. “It’s over, anyway. I'm probably never going to see her again. Hopefully I don't because I have no idea what I would say to her if I did. Probably get fired for cussing her out or something.”
“She would deserve it.” Saki said, face grim. She stood, moving to the door again. “Why don't we have dinner?”
“That sounds like a great idea.” Arisa said, taking the out.
But despite what she said, Arisa's interaction with her mom weighed on her over the next couple of weeks, and the added stress of the holidays really didn't help anything.
She had just made it to her first night off in over a week when there was a knock on their door.
“Could you get that, Uo?” Saki called from the kitchen.
“Yeah, sure.” Arisa said. Huh, she didn’t think they weren't expecting anyone.
When she opened the door, she found Tohru and Kyo standing there waiting for her. Tohru launched herself at Arisa, tackling her with a hug.
“Uo! It’s so nice to see you!”
“Tohru? What are you doing here?”
“Hana invited us! She said you had been having a hard time at work lately and we thought we’d surprise you.” Tohru released Arisa from the hug and beamed at her.
Saki had appeared from the kitchen to receive her hug from Tohru. She glanced up at Arisa over Tohru’s shoulder, trying to gauge Arisa’s reaction.
“Do you need any help, Hana?” Tohru asked as she pulled away.
“If you don’t mind. I’m just about finished.”
Saki pulled Arisa aside. “I didn't tell her about your mother. I figured you'd tell her if you wanted to. She just thinks it was difficult customers. Sorry to surprise you. I thought it would help.”
Touched, Arisa smiled warmly. “Thanks, Hana. It helps a lot.”
Saki followed Tohru into the kitchen, leaving Arisa and Kyo alone in the living room. They chatted idly for a while about work, and about how much people sucked around the holidays.
“You two seem happy, at least.” Arisa said, throwing herself down on the couch, and gesturing for Kyo to sit. “Good for you, carrots. Didn't think you had it in you.”
“Oh shut up.” Kyo said with an eye roll as he sat on the other side. There was a smile on his face as he glanced at Tohru in the kitchen, though. One that Arisa had never seen when they were in high school. He looked genuinely happy.
“I'm being sincere, you ass.” Arisa threw a pillow at his head. “It's a good thing. You could stand to be a little less crabby.”
Kyo easily deflected the pillow. “Yeah, well, what about the two of you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You and Hanajima. You seem happy too.”
She was saved from having to answer by Tohru calling them to the table, though she wondered at the implications of his comment. The moment had passed, though, and Arisa put it out of her mind for the time being, just enjoying the meal and company.
After dinner was finished, Tohru and Arisa stepped out onto the balcony to talk. They both leaned against the railing, shivering in the cool night air.
“I saw my mom the other week.” Arisa said, finally. She didn’t really want to bring all of this up again, but Tohru should know.
“O-oh! Oh, wow, Uo, that's…”
“Yeah. It's fine. I'm mostly over it.”
“What happened? Did she say anything to you?”
“No. She bought some stuff and then left. Didn't recognize me at all, but I knew it was her.” Arisa sighed, her breath coming out in a large cloud. “I didn't have anything to say to her anyway, so it wouldn't have mattered if she had.”
“Do you think you'll try to find her again?” Tohru asked. “I bet you could if she lives around here.”
“I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. She chose to go on living a separate life. If she wanted to talk to me, she would have tried a long time ago. It's been twelve years. I think I'm okay to just leave this where it is.”
“Okay. If that's what you want.” Tohru said, eyes sad. She always took on too much. “I’m sorry, Uo.”
“Ah that’s okay, it's not all bad. Besides if she hadn't left, I never would have met you or Kyoko. I ended up with a mom after all that bullshit anyway. And a sister.”
“Yeah, you did.” Tohru rested her head on Arisa’s shoulder, looking out over the still active city beneath them. “We should go back and visit her grave again soon. I think she would've liked that. She'd want to hear about your mom too.”
“We should. It would be nice to go back for a while.” Arisa said, putting her arm around Tohru's shoulders. “She'd be proud of you, you know. With how far you've come since she left. I know I am.”
“It's still hard sometimes, but it's getting easier.” Tohru said. “There are still days that I think about her and I feel like I'll never move forward, but I know that I'm not alone now. I have you and Kyo and Hana. I can keep going and mom would be glad that I did. She would be proud of you too. With the life you made here with Hana and everything.”
“Thanks, Tohru.” Arisa smiled. She hadn't known Kyoko for very long, but meant what she said. In those few short years, Kyoko had become like a mother to her, and in turn she gained Tohru as a sister.
They stood there for a while longer, watching the traffic crawl by. Arisa’s thoughts wandered, but kept coming back to Saki. To the things she had started to feel, and to the shifts she had been hesitant to acknowledge.
“Can I ask you something else, total non-sequitur. How did you know that Kyo was the one? How did you know that you were in love with him?”
“I don’t think there wasn't really one specific moment.” Tohru said, eyes far away as she thought. “For a really long time I thought that love was just living for someone. To be needed by them. But then we started living together and I realized that I didn't just want to live for him. I wanted to be by his side for the rest of our lives. I want to experience life with him, the good and the bad. I think he'd say the same thing.”
Her mind turned to Saki again. To the little life they had churned out together, helping and supporting each other, depending on each other, balancing each other out and doing their best to make the other happy.
It seemed that Arisa had her answer, though it was terrifying to consider.
-
Or maybe it really started when they were kids.
When Uotani Arisa saw someone just as lonely and afraid as she was and called out to her. As she watched that girl start to smile and hope again.
Maybe that was when she had started to fall in love with Saki.
-
Except that Arisa didn’t know what she was supposed to do with that. Mostly because she was terrified.
With Kureno things had been easy to end because she hadn’t been in love with him. Not really. So while it had sucked for a while, that relationship had ultimately been very easy to let go of. There wasn’t a history between the two of them. There was nothing to lose.
It was different with Saki and that was what sucked. The uncertainty of it all. The fear that anything more might lead down a path where they both ended up hurt.
Where Arisa ended up alone again.
She opened the door to leave her bedroom and jumped a foot in the air. Saki stood there, staring up at her.
“Jesus Christ, Hana!”
“You’re avoiding me.” Saki said, unaffected. “Why?”
“I’m sorry, I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” When that wasn’t a good enough answer, Arisa sighed. “I’ve just been thinking about my mom and the choices she made. The future she chose for herself and the one I want for me.”
“I still don’t understand why you’re avoiding me.” Saki said, expression softening. “We’re in this together, remember?”
“Yeha, I know.” Fuck it, Arisa decided. “I’ve never done the whole ‘love’ thing before. I had you and Tohru and that was enough for me. But when I was talking to Tohru and she said that she wants to experience life with Kyo and be by his side, I realized that I want that too. With you.”
“Took you long enough.” Saki said, completely unsurprised. “I want that too.”
Was this really happening?
“But what if it doesn’t work out? What happens in a year from now if we decide it’s not what we want anymore?” Arisa demanded. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.”
“But you don’t know that.”
“You’re right. I can’t read the future. I don’t know for certain what this will look like a year from now, but what I can promise you is that right now all I want is to keep going like this. Nothing has to change.” Saki said. “Though I have wondered what it’s like to kiss you, if we’re putting all our cards on the table.”
"You've been thinking about kissing me?" Arisa said, voice sounding strained while she tried to pretend that it was something completely normal.
"Yes." Saki stated. "You have too, haven't you?"
Arisa's cheeks burned. "What? You couldn’t possibly know that!"
“I have my ways.” Saki said with her signature sly smile. Being purposefully mysterious in the way she knew would rile Arisa up. “You should’ve figured that by now.”
“I knew you were only gonna use your powers for evil.” Arisa sighed, tossing herself down on her bed.
“Are you going to do something about it?”
Arisa looked up at Saki, dumbfounded. Saki stepped closer, slotting herself between Arisa's knees, hair falling like a curtain around them as she stared down at the other woman.
“Well, are you?”
“Yeah.”
Arisa moved slowly, feeling like she was in a trance. Like if she moved too fast the spell would be broken. Her hands cupped Hana's cheeks as she pulled her closer and pressed their lips together.
“Is this really happening?” Arisa asked when they parted. “I'm not dreaming this am I?”
“Yes, it's all just a dream.” Saki said, deadpan. “Don't worry I'm sure you'll wake up soon.”
"Shut up!" Arisa stood, nearly toppling Saki over. “Are we seriously doing this?”
“We are.”
“What a completely normal way to start a relationship.” Arisa grinned.
"We've never been normal. I see no point in starting now."
"The lady makes a very good point." Arisa laughed loudly. With a smile still plastered on her face, she tucked a piece of Saki's hair behind her ear. "I wanna kiss you again."
"I want that too."
And they did. Again and again and again.