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The Passenger is right. You only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her (him) when you let her (him) go. And Jaemin let him go. Na Jaemin let his love go and he can do nothing about it now. Not when the said person will marry someone so out of his league soon. Not when the said fiancé is now sitting in front of him, all so mighty and graceful, while handing him a piece of paper with gold decoration in it. A fucking wedding invitation to be exact.
It feels like déjà vu, to be honest. Years ago, at the same place, they met and talked for the first time. It was after the news blew up and causing ruckus, creating more and more distance between Jaemin and Renjun. At that time, Jaemin asked Jaeden (or Jaehyun whatever) to discuss about the whole situation. Something he wish he never done.
“Renjun is not a game you can play as your please,” Jaemin said three years ago, after some minute of staring contest, causing Jaeden chuckled in disbelief.
“You know there’s no game I can’t play,” the basketball player answered in annoyingly confident tone after laughing so hard for less than ten sec, while wiping his nonexistent tears. So provoking. He is smirking mockingly, as if Jaemin is just a little dust that will go away just with one blow. “I’m born to play, Jaemin-ssi. You know it better than anyone.”
Jaemin tighten his jaw. He is incredibly annoyed but trying to keep calm. He can’t let this man win the argument no matter what. “You think I’ll just keep quiet when you keep manipulating him like this? Drag him to your world and prisoned him. I believe you are the one who spread your own rumor, causing a terror from your crazy fans and leave him no choice but seeking protection from you.”
At that accusation, Jaeden's eyes darkened. But his devilish smile was still there. He folded his arms across his chest and looked at Jaemin with interest, "You are smarter than I think."
"If you're doing all of this just to hurt him in the future, then stop. Let him go. Don't drag him into your world just for you to throw him away when you’re bored."
Jaeden smiled slyly. He then scratched his temple with his forefinger before saying calmly, "Are you trying to play hero now? After ignoring his feelings for years and hurting him on purpose?" Those words, that were spoken calmly, made Jaemin's eyes widen, “Such a hypocrites.”
Jaemin couldn’t even defend himself because fuck, he knows well he has his own part of hurting Renjun. But when someone else point it out? Damn it hurts. Yeah, what’s the difference between him and Jaeden? Both having this obsession to keep Renjun by their side. Both hurting him in their own way.
"Look, you have no right to talk shit to me when you are the one who hurt him first, Jaemin-ah. I’m not the only the bad one here,” Jaeden then said, dropping all the formality he tried to keep before.
“Are you trying to put the blame on me?”
“Make me understand why I shouldn’t.”
“I tried to protect him.”
“From what?”
From the heartbreak that he might cause, Jaemin wanted so say. But he can’t, cause it’s something that Jaeden won’t understand. Even Renjun didn’t know his situation this past years.
Jaemin wasn't in a situation where he could love someone. He barely has enough time to think about himself amidst his unstable family situation. His parents were on the verge of divorce. And even though Jaemin is old enough, mature enough, to decide, his family's condition that suddenly changes 180 degrees makes him shocked and devastated.
He cannot share this with Renjun. He didn't want to burden his best friend with this because Jaemin knows well that boy has his own issues.
The point is, Jaemin has no self-confidence. His parents' divorce terrified him. Seeing how his parents went from two people who really loved each other to complete strangers filled Jaemin with dread. What if Renjun and him also end up like that?
“From people like you,” that’s what Jaemin decided to say.
Jaeden chuckled, “Isn’t it ironic? You were the one who pushed him to me. So if he ends up hurt because of this game, it's also your fault. For playing dumb when he poured out all his love for you."
Jaeden is such a manipulative deep shit. Jaemin understood that the man was playing with his mind. Instill guilt in him. Hit him without hands. Make him black and blue without any physical attacks. Jaemin could even feel his ribs cracking from those hurtful words. He knew well that Jaeden was not a match for him in this kind of game.
“Do you love him?” Jaemin then asked after some suffocated silence later.
“It’s none of your business.”
“You know I can tell him about this conversation, right? I could tell him your bad intention.”
“Go. Tell him. Let’s see who he will trust more.”
“You think he will throw our friendship away for you? A man he barely know?”
For the first time, it seems like Jaemin's words hit the right spot. Because at that very moment, he could see how the corners of Jaeden's lips dropped and the corners of his eyes twitched.
“He loves me,” Jaeden said confidently, even though Jaemin could also see a flash of doubt and nervous there. But Jaeden is Jaeden. That man must have jumped from lies over lies to have that great ability to mask his nerves, “He won't listen to you. He loves me and he will choose me. So if you want to keep your friendship, I suggest you to do nothing about it. Because he will cut you off without a doubt if you try to take him away from me.”
It's almost sad how Jaemin could see that Jaeden actually wasn't even sure about what he said. It's clear to see that Jaeden isn't sure about Renjun's feelings for him, but won't flinch in the face of his rival. He is a player. A great player in everything. But this game seems to be the only game that he doubts himself.
And this moment feels like a decisive round that will show who Renjun's heart is actually on.
"He won't cut me off just for someone he barely know. I'm sure of that." No, Jaemin was not sure about that. At all. And he knows Jaeden also knows that well.
Jaeden's devilish smirk then made a comeback, "Then let's see. Let's see who is right about this. If he really chooses to believe you, I have no other choice but to let him go. Go. Tell him."
Jaemin decided to hate Jaeden Jung since that day.
He hated how Jaeden could look so confident when he wasn't even sure about anything he was going through. He hated how Jaeden acted as if he understood Renjun better than him, someone that had known that boy since they were both wearing diapers. And he really, really, really hated how Jaeden was right about what he said, about everything.
That Renjun would cut him off without doubt.
That Renjun would choose Jaeden over him.
So Renjun indeed had moved on from him, just like that, in such a short period. Really? Does heart really can change that easy? What happened with every sweet sweet moments that they have spent together?
Renjun simply just blocked and cut any line of communication. It was as if all the love he had ever given to Jaemin, as if all the time they had spent together, was completely meaningless. Jaemin then becomes a chapter that Renjun completely closes when he decides to open a new page with the person he chooses.
And then a day became a year.
A year became two.
And now it turned three and turns out Jaeden didn’t let go. It kinda out of Jaemin’s expectation. Out of everyone’s expectation, to be exact. To see Jaeden Jung finally decided to settle down is like a miracle.
Yeah, Jaemin also hates the fact that in the end, indeed, there’s no game Jaeden could not play. He is a pro player of the game of life. He always win. He always make sure that he will always win.
"I told you there's no game I can't play," Jaeden's words pulled Jaemin back to the present, as if knowing well what’s on Jaemin’s mind. To think about it, Jaeden indeed seems always knows what’s on his opponent’s mind. Jaemin wondered what kind of life he was living to shape him into this sharp and bold man.
Jaeden still looked the same even though three years had passed. Still looking at Jaemin mockingly, with his signature smug smile and playful gaze. An expression that only owned by someone who always wins and knows well his value.
Jaemin just snorted, then his attention was focused on a piece of paper that Jaeden pushed towards him. A paper with a beautiful design, with gold and elegant decoration on the cover.
"Bet you already guessed why I asked you to meet," Jaeden said casually, "Renjun may not say he wants to invite you, but I know deep inside he actually really wants to."
"What makes you think it's a good idea to invite your soon to be husband's first love to your wedding?"
Jaeden chuckled. Not the mocking one, but completely humorous laughter. He looks friendlier like this, "You know you're not a threat to me. Not anymore."
"Oh? So I used to?"
Jaeden smiled, almost apologetic, "We both know that."
"You did it on purpose, didn’t you? Act like an asshole to make me angry and try to stop Renjun. Part of your tactic to keep me away from his life?"
"Well, didn't I say to stay away from us? It wasn't me who kept you away from him. You made your own decision."
Jaemin must admit how clever slash sly Jaeden is. Must admit how great that man in a matter of calculate his every step and strategy. Must admit how great Jaeden in gambling with fate. He is brave and unstoppable, literally in everything.
Behind that handsome and admirable smile, Jaeden Jung is indeed a mastermind.
“You know that Renjun will forever have a soft spot for you, right? He is not mad at you. He is just not sure how to reach you or if you want him to.”
Jaemin cut their eye contact, now playing with the invitation card in his hand. The name that written in gold seems like a big fat slap to him. A big fat slap that bring him back to the fact that Renjun has moved on. Maybe since long long time ago. Things that makes Jaemin has to best friended with regret even though he doesn’t want to. Day by day, he try to swallow every what ifs that won’t come true. Every moment he wish he could come back to.
“Do you really think that he want me to come?
“I’m pretty sure he is.”
“It’s not only your way to mock me more, right? Cause I get it, okay? You win. I don’t need another humiliation.”
Jaeden let out another heartful laugh before saying, “Why you make it sound like I am a heartless monster, huh? I do it for Renjun, okay? I just want him to be happy on our happiest day. I know he want you to witness it too. You’re his best friend no matter what. That’s something I could not ignore.”
It almost makes Jaemin feel bad for always waiting for Jaeden’s fall all this time. To always doubt his intention toward his best friend. To always thinking badly about him and it matter of time when he will hurt Renjun and throw him away in the end.
But now, Jaemin finally can see it. How Jaeden’s ears and cheeks went crimson red while talking about Renjun. How his breath seems go heavier when he is thinking about him. How his eyes twinkling every time he mentioned his name. The man is in love. Things that Jaemin failed to notice before.
Jaeden might be a cunning man, but his feelings for Renjun is real.
But still, Jaemin feel the urge to ask, because he want to hear it. Because he want to make sure that the person that he love is loved, “Do you love him?”
Jaeden’s smug smile and mocking gaze completely gone, “More than you can imagine,” he then answered without hesitation, with gentle tone, fond eyes, and the warmest smile the man probably could give.
And that’s the only think Jaemin want to hear. That’s the only think he need to know.
Jaemin tried to respond with his best smile but didn't know whether it would reach his eyes. He wants to look genuinely happy. He wants to look genuinely happy for his friend who will soon marry the person he loves. But Jaeden seemed quite wise. The man just smiled and nodded in understanding. The arrogant face turned gentle. Jaeden even showed off his dimples, seemingly trying hard to show that there were no bad intentions behind his invitation. He sincerely just wants Jaemin to come as someone who means a lot to Renjun.
Jaeden is just trying to give them a chance to get closure.
Their wedding was held less than a month later. It’s held in ridiculously luxury hotel near the beach with ridiculously beautiful scenery. Part of Jaemin’s bitter mind start thinking that Jaeden just want to show off. To show him that he is the one that can give Renjun his dream wedding.
Beach.
Sunset.
His family.
His favorite people.
Every Renjun’s favorite and wishes is here. Jaemin could feel how Jaeden tried his best to make it as perfect as possible.
Every detail of this wedding brings Jaemin to memories of when they were kids. “We will look so good in white!” Renjun once said. They were barely understand about love and marriage but Renjun always said he want to marry Jaemin one day. That he want Jaemin to be there with him, in his dream wedding.
Jaemin is indeed there. He is indeed watching how beautiful Renjun in white tux. Witnessing how happy he is when he finally sealed the vow with a kiss in front of every eyes. But that’s it. He is there just to watch and witnessing everything.
He is indeed being the part of the dream wedding. But as the invited guests. Not as the one who vowed and will spent the rest of his life with him. He is not the husband.
Ironic, isn’t it? Back then he tried to ignore Renjun’s feeling cause he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. He was too afraid to fuck everything up if they decided to date. He was a coward, too afraid to lose him, but end up losing him anyways in the most painful way.
Sometimes he thinks, if only he gave their love a chance to bloom back then, even though it in the end it didn’t work, at least, at very least, they had given it a try.
He was too young too dumb to realize back then and now drowning in his own regret because just like what Katy Perry said, no money can buy him a time machine and life is not coming with rewind button. All he can do now is watching the love of his life be happy in someone else’s arms.
Renjun is happy.
Just not with him.
When their eyes finally meet, Jaemin can see the shock in those beautiful teary eyes. Renjun let go of his now husband and run to him immediately. Jaeden and Jaemin exchange look for a moment, but from the way the man smile at him, Jaemin can tell that man is happy Jaemin decide to come.
When Renjun finally reach him and hug him tight, Jaeden only smile and nod. Giving them his permission and privacy to talk heart to heart. As what Jaeden has said, he doesn’t see Jaemin as a threat. Not anymore.
“Oh my God, you really come!” Renjun then said between his sobs. Jaemin decided to hug him back and pat his head gently. He miss him. So much.
“Yeah. Surprise, huh?” Jaemin tried to tease.
Renjun then let go of him, making Jaemin kinda disappointed but he knows he can’t get carried away. They need to talk. They need to talk like adults so they can move on (or it’s just him cause Renjun seems just fine).
“Thank you for coming,” Renjun still sobbing, his makeup smudged a lil bit. Jaemin decided to pat pat the tears gently using his handkerchief so it won’t ruin the pretty face more.
“Hey, don’t cry. You look ugly when you cry.”
“I miss you. So much. Oh my God!”
Jaemin smiling at that, “I’m here now. I miss you too.”
They then decided to sit in the balcony, away from the crowd. They talk about their life for the starter. Trying to catch up with anything they missed until finally Jaemin decided to bring up their past, “I’m sorry for not trying to reach you. I was an asshole back then.”
“No. You just worried and I take it badly. I should not cut you off like that.”
“And I should not force anything to you. You were an adult. You can make your own choice. I just…. I care… a lot. You know, I just want you to be happy.”
Renjun smiles. He then reach Jaemin’s hand and hold it tight, “I am happy.”
It’s not supposed to hurt him. Seeing Renjun happy should make him happy too, right? But he could not lie, not to himself, that it’s hurt as hell knowing that he is not part of that happiness. Not anymore. Or maybe he still is. Just in different way.
For a moment they keep on silent. They just sitting there while listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the cliffs and enjoying the breeze.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there when your parents divorced," Renjun then said. "Lele told me that the situation was very bad. I felt sad. I wanted to contact you but I didn't know if it was a wise thing to do. Considering our last conversation didn't end well."
Jaemin smiled wryly. His parents decided to divorce after constant arguments over the past few years. At first Jaemin felt down, but after seeing that it was better for them to separate, after seeing how the relationship between his dad and mom gradually improved after the divorce, Jaemin realized. Sometimes separating is the best solution for two people to make peace with each other.
"Yeah. They're fine now. We're fine. Maybe it's better this way."
Renjun just nodded. Their conversation stopped there for a moment. Jaemin then looked back at Renjun closely. He looks beautiful. He always looks beautiful. But this time, Jaemin wasn't the reason behind the beauty and happiness. The realization hit him hard once again. That this might be the last time they can have a conversation like this.
I love you, “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks! I wish you find yours too. I will always pray for your happiness.”
It won’t same without you, “Thank you,” Jaemin said while hold Renjun’s hand back before saying, “I know Jaeden will take care of you.”
Renjun blushed. Jaemin familiar with that reaction cause he see it in Jaeden too. It makes him smile weakly. At least he now sure that Renjun is in love with someone who loves him as much. Or maybe more. Because Jaemin just know that Jaeden is that type of man who will bring the moon for Renjun if he asked him to.
When he catch Jaeden leaning to the door that separating the main hall with balcony, Jaemin know his time is up. It’s time to give his best friend back to his husband, his love one, his now forever home. It’s time to let go. This time for real.
“Keep in touch, okay?” Renjun then said before hug him once again, “Once again, thank you, and I’m sorry. For everything,” he then whispered before let go his hug.
Jaemin could only nod and smiling. He is afraid if he opened his mouth, a tear will follow. He then watch Renjun stand up and walk to his husband, his love one, his now forever home. Damn. It’s painful yet beautiful to see the sparks and love between the two. How they only have eyes for each other. How they shine when they’re together.
To see how perfect they’re for each other, Jaemin kinda feel his regret is slowly, bit by bit, gone. He just know that Jaeden and Renjun are made for each other and will always find a way to each other, with or without him in between.
It's fate that bring them together.
“So… this is the end?” another voice catch Jaemin attention. Standing not far from him, the man who always look at him with his pretty puppy eyes now smiling brightly. As bright as always.
Jaemin could only staring at him with tight smile and bored eyes. He then took a bracelet he brought three years ago that supposed to be Renjun’s Christmas gift. The thing that made him cancel the opportunity to have lunch with Jaeden Jung and his best friend because the artist suddenly rescheduled their meeting. It’s customed, handmade, ridiculously expensive, but Jaemin has no chance to give it to the little one.
“You didn’t give it to him?”
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Jaemin said while putting it back to his pocket, “Some things are better left unsaid.”
For a moment they were silent. Jaemin just looked into the room where everyone was gathered. Look at the happiness from a distance. From the cold, dim corner of the balcony. Until he felt a warm pat on the top of his head.
"How about McDonald now? As a reward for your bravery in solving your problem?" Jeno then said with a teasing tone.
Jaemin couldn't hold back his laughter, he then turned to the man and smacked his waist lightly, "Aren't you on a diet? You said you want to build your muscles for next summer?"
"I'm going to start dieting tomorrow."
"Yah! You said the same shit yesterday."
They both laughed. Jaemin then accepted Jeno's hand that helped him up. Somewhat surprised when the man kissed him on the cheek, but didn't refuse when he intertwined their finger and pulled it gently.
"You know, I'm patient, but I think you should start considering me as a potential partner, you know. Don't you think we fuck around for way too long?"
Jaemin raised an eyebrow, glanced at the man who was now still walking casually beside him. “You still want me, huh?” Jaemin asked in playful tone, even though he can feel his eyes go warm now.
Jeno grinning before answering in super confident tone, “Find someone that can love you more than I do, then I will let you go.”
Jaemin could only snort of that, but looking at the man beside him with gentle eyes. As usual, Jeno giving him that calming, beautiful, dazzling smile that he believe could melted the ice on the top of Everest. The smile that never change even after all these painful years. Even after all I love yous that he never said back.
“I don’t deserve you,” Jaemin then said when they are walking to their car.
And as always, Jeno will only smiling, looking at his eyes while stubbornly said, “You have no right to decide who deserve to have my love.”
Jaemin could feel warmth creeping up his chest. Maybe besides failing to see the love between Jaeden and Renjun before, he also failed to see the sincerity of the love that Jeno always gave him. He still has a lot to learn. And now he feels lucky that Jeno is so patient with his self centered self.
"I may sound like an asshole when I say this, but can you be patient a little longer?" Jaemin then asked while tightening his grip.
Jeno stopped in his tracks and turned to look at Jaemin. His eyes widened for a moment, but then disappeared again because now he smiled broadly, “Babe… I can wait even for the rest of my life!” he then said confidently, "No, seriously. Take your time. You know I will always be by your side," he said then while tucking Jaemin's hair behind his ear. The sea breeze made their hair messy. Still. Jeno look as beautiful as always.
"Okay."
"Okay."
Jeno then leaned in to kiss Jaemin briefly on the lips before continuing their walk to the car.
While standing on the edge of the boundary between the parking area and the cliff, Jaemin decided to take out the bracelet from his pocket. He then give it the last look and weak smile before throwing it into the sea. Letting it sink with all the memories, the past, the regrets and mistakes he wished he could fix. The person he loves has found his happy ending. Now it's his turn. It's time for him to close the book and open a new chapter.
"Are we ready to go?" Jeno asked, half screamed, from their car.
Jaemin looked at the crashing waves below for the last time before nodding confidently. So this is the end. This time for real.
"I'm ready," he then whispered to the wind.