Work Text:
All she can see is the darkness surrounding her and that fucking figurine, Mother fucking Mary. Small, and just waiting for her eye to hit it, to change her forever. She sees JP’s smile, the speedometer going up and up, hears the rain thrumming on the car’s roof, the windshield wiper going up and down violently, hears her own voice screaming at him to stop, again and again, but he won’t. She knows that. It will happen and as much as she wants it to, she can’t stop it.
It’s like the air is sucked from her lungs, the blood is thrumming in her ears, there’s this loud noise around her making her want to scream. Then, suddenly there is silence. Instead of in a car, she is lying on her sofa. Sweaty, bones hurting, feeling like something is missing and she knows it is not only her eye. A blanket is drawn above her, which must have been Nora because she can’t recall having done that herself. She can only remember lying down, closing her eyes, unable to take it anymore. She feels like somebody has run her over, while her injuries are slowly healing. She knows two of them won’t heal, one clearly visible for everyone, one that will always present what has happened to her for everyone to see; the other she will carry around with herself, buried inside like a secret but it isn’t one. It is fear. At first she had brushed all thoughts of the consequences of what has happened away but as soon as the realisation has hit her, it has taken her down with it.
Nora’s soft, husky voice tickles her ear. Lowered, probably in order not to disturb her, on the phone with whom she guesses is one of her sisters.
“I just feel like she is shutting herself out,” Nora says to whoever is on the phone, worriedly and there is something else. Anger.
It sends a stab to Bibi’s heart because she knows Nora is right. It is like since the accident, with her eye, there has been some other part of her taken away, too; one, she has shut somewhere deep inside her, like her eye has shut itself forever. A tear runs down her face, now lonely, but wet and slow, soon to be joined by others that are already there, burning in her eye. A sob escapes her throat as she angrily clenches her fists into the fabric of the blanket. Angry at herself for crying, angry that she can’t just go on, but more than anything angry at JP for blaming her for all of this. She hears Nora stop, then whispering to whoever she is talking to: “Sorry, I’ve got to go.”
The clicking sound of the call being ended reaches her, followed by Nora’s steps. Bibi quickly wipes her eyes — no, eye. She knows she can be vulnerable with Nora, sometimes she isn’t even as vulnerable with Eva. But somehow she is ashamed, so fucking ashamed for crying. It’s not like she lost another person, or another, more important part of her body, one that could leave her with more consequences. This is just her fucking eye, she’ll adjust. She can still do archery (you don’t need two eyes to aim), still go to work, still live, but somehow she feels like she can’t, like the prick has ruined it all. Just as Nora reaches her, another tear roles down her face and Bibi sniffles. Nora sits down on the sofa, careful not to touch her. Bibi hasn’t been good with touch lately, and Nora respects that. Nora has always respected her boundaries, stopped when she needed time, waited patiently, listened to her. So totally unlike JP has just a few weeks ago. Again, her hand wipes the tear away, then her fist clenches itself into the blanket again.
“Bi,” Nora just says.
Bibi wants to catch the hand that is resting on Nora’s thigh. But she doesn’t because she doesn’t know if she has the strength to do it, and she doesn’t ask Nora to grab her hand either because she is sure her voice will give in just then. So they just sit there, Bibi’s brain not wanting to shut up, the tears not wanting to stop but now there is a difference with Nora being there. The sole presence of her, the knowledge of it, calms Bibi, if only just a bit. In that moment, she just wants time to freeze. Because she doesn’t know how she will react to what happens next, she doesn’t know how she can go on.
How can she, if the prick took so much from her?
This time, she really doesn’t mean her eye at all, but he’s taken some of the lightheartedness that had still been with her before. Aware that things hadn’t been perfect back then, with her being more affected by their parents’ car crash than her sisters, she now knows it will take her so much to ever get into a car again. Not time, that, too probably, even though she is sure she cannot put it off for too long, but strength and she know she’ll be afraid and exhausted afterwards. Afraid that it will happen again.
But for now, she can’t do much but lie on the sofa and cry and clench her hands to fists, only soothed by Nora’s presence next to her. It’s like she’s just forgotten how to be okay, how to move, how to live.
Hours later, she’s awake again, it’s dark outside now and Nora has left. It’s been the same dream as earlier, she’s had it a lot lately and the more often she dreams it, the less it seems like she is able to handle it.
Bibi hates crying, especially she hates crying when she isn’t alone. Bibi Garvey doesn’t cry, not ever. But she cannot help it, again she can’t, as the tears start to fall yet another time. Her chin is already wet after just a few seconds and she really misses being able to just wipe them away with the sleeve of her shirt, going carelessly over her face. But she can’t do that now because the empty socket where her right eye is supposed to be is still healing and she’s to be careful. It can still cry but she can’t just wipe at it.
Nora is in the kitchen, preparing dinner probably. She isn’t much of a good cook but she isn’t bad either and even while Bibi normally cooks most days, she hasn’t got the energy now, so Nora’s cooking is just fine even if it Is sometimes noodles with pesto for days in a row. And since Bibi doesn’t have much of an appetite lately it doesn’t make sense to put more effort into it. The clattering stops and yet again Nora comes to the sofa and sets down a cup of tea in front of Bibi. She wants to say “thank you”, however she can’t. But she knows Nora knows and that she won’t take it badly.
“Can you hold me?” Bibi asks instead, scrunching up her nose.
Arms wrap around her as Nora pulls Bibi to her chest and it feels like it is the first time in an eternity that Bibi hasn’t just lain there. Nora rocks her like a child and Bibi buries her face in her chest and just cries again.
“It’s alright.” This makes Bibi sob even harder because it isn’t alright, it really isn’t. At least she doesn’t feel alright, can’t even imagine feeling a bit better, a little more motivated, a little more willing to live anymore. “Maybe it’s not. But Bi, I know that it wasn’t your fault. I hope you know that.”
She doesn’t know if she has known it with JP having been violently loud and blaming her after everything happened. They haven’t really talked about it and it feels good to hear Nora say it, feels good that at least something can feel good again. The sobs get a bit less, her body not shaking as violently against Nora’s anymore, Nora who seems to be so much stronger now than Bibi feels.
“I screamed at him to stop.” It’s barely a whisper against Nora’s chest. And she can’t help repeating the phrase in her mind. So why didn’t he then?
“Shh, I know.” Nora’s hand runs through her long tangled hair. Maybe she should cut it off. She won’t be the same person she was, so why should she hold on to her hair then. “He only kept going for his own sick amusement, to feel the power, the control he thinks he has over you. I really hate him for hurting you, I really do.”
Bibi can only nod but it’s more than she has managed before.
The following days are sometimes worse, sometimes just the same. When they are worse, it frustrates her. It frustrates her that it seems like she is only going backwards, that even if there are ups they can’t just stay for her but lows are woven in. Rationally she knows there are always ups and downs but when she feels like she can’t move, however then has to question if she’s even feeling that because she’s just numb and can’t actually feel, it seems like a heavy, heavy weight is pulling her down and that she doesn’t know how to get back up again. It is like being dragged towards that fucking figure, once again not being able to do anything to change the turn of events, so she has no choice but to face what’s to come. Seconds that feel like hours.
And then, slowly it gets better. Slowly, she starts perceiving her surroundings again, not being left only feeling the pain of everything anymore, starts seeing the colours again. She notices the sun shining outside, as well as the rain throbbing down, clouds filling the sky. She notices the tiles on the floor, pictures on the walls, wooden stairs, the green lawn outside. After a long time of not bearing to be near anyone except for Nora, she is even able to text her sisters again (not call or see them, but text them). On her phone are at least a thousand concerned texts and Bibi has to admit that brings some warmth even to her heart and the corners of her lips tuck up a bit, giving almost the hint of a smile. The second one, so far. The first had been for Nora, when they had lain in bed together, Nora holding her, hands meeting the soft fabric of Bibi’s pyjamas. She’s not sure if Nora has seen it because it was dark and because Nora might have slept already.
She texts Eva first, it’s her who she has the closest bond to, who she knows will worry most because she has always felt the need to look out for her. It’s nothing special, only a “could you just stop bothering me?”, meaning Eva spamming her phone asking if she’s alright and sending her loads of “Get well soon!”-memes. Bibi knows that’s not nice but she isn’t a nice person and Eva will know that she actually means “Thank you for being there even if I didn’t let you”. So, it isn’t a surprise when Eva texts back “she’s back!”. And yeah, maybe she is starting to be.
It’s been the first time in weeks that she goes outside. Well, not outside outside, she’s been in the garden with Nora and when her sisters came visit, but she’s going into town. It’s not very near but also not too far away and since cars are still difficult for her, she takes a run there. Nora has asked her where she was going when she had announced it in the morning before Nora headed off to work, but Bibi hadn’t answered, aware that Nora is just glad that Bibi is actually going out there again after not leaving the house for ages, except for follow ups at the doctor’s office.
It feels good to run again, the air floating past her, cooling her head and making her forget a bit for once. Running has always been something she loved just to get her mind off of things, and it helps now, too.
Arriving in town after a while is different though. Suddenly she does become aware of her surroundings again, and while about a week ago this has been a good thing, it now isn’t that great at all. Because she can’t shut out the people and they are looking at the crazy woman with the eye patch, those who know her had probably found her strange before since she’s never been quite what they expected her to be — because she’s different, she’s been too direct, too morbid in their eyes — and the eye patch is not making it better. Even though she chose that, not a glass eye, because it was more her. And the others now think she’s weird just for that. Going through town like that just pulls peoples’ eyes on you, gets them whispering to each other, up to a point in which you think the several buildings are whispering, too, following you, even though when you look they just stand as still as before. Bibi’s never been one to care much for what people think. When they say something she either just ignores it or calls them out, tells them her opinion. But now, she starts to feel self-conscious because she’s insecure about this herself. Because the prick has taken her security about herself when it comes to that from her.
Lucky enough she has soon reached her destination, a hairdresser’s, her usual one. Normally, she doesn’t go there much, has only been there four months ago, so she knows it will be a surprise for the elderly woman who owns the shop, too, when she’ll go through the door. Especially looking like this. She can go there without making an appointment first since it is not a big shop. It’s good but not many people know it and that’s probably why she likes it; no one who can be too loud or annoying or anything.
As soon as she goes in, she can see the concern in the hairdresser’s face but she knows she won’t ask because Bibi has never been one to answer nosy questions and she most definitely won’t start now. The woman greets her with a friendly smile, telling her to sit down while she finishes her other customer who is eyeing her with a far more curious and judging stare that Bibi knows she won’t be able to escape in the next five to ten minutes. So, before she snaps at them, she starts counting while she breathes; seven seconds in, holds it for five, then seven seconds out, holds it for five and repeats the whole thing again.
This at least calms her nerves a bit but it is exhausting and she’s overwhelmed because she doesn’t know how to handle her feelings and she much less knows how to handle all these expressions she gets from the outside. But she manages, and when the other customer leaves, she cannot help but feel relieved.
Her hand motions to her chin. “I want it like this.”
The hairdresser looks at her, questioningly if she has heard right. “Are you sure, darling?” Bibi knows people have problems with cutting long hair off. It is always too beautiful, too elegant, too pretty. But she isn’t beautiful anymore, and to her, her hair isn’t either. And if it was at least it’s not supposed to stay that way.
“Oh just cut the damn thing off!” She doesn’t mean to sound this rude but this isn’t something she has been able to control. Not ever and certainly not recently. Her nerves are like thin lines, ready to break any time. Patience isn’t a word she knows at the time and if she lectures herself for not being calm and patient she is even less so. So she doesn’t.
It’s the usual procedure: washing, brushing and then finally cutting. When the older women cuts off a strand of hair to somewhere between Bibi’s neck and shoulders, she loses it. She knows it is not the hairdresser’s fault but she just grabs another scissor and cuts a strand of hair on the other side off, this time as short as she wants it to be. The hairdresser looks like a deer whose mother has just been shot but she says nothing, and this time she cuts her hair just the length Bibi wants it. Although she isn’t sure if this makes her feel better, she’s content when her hair is done. She looks nothing like the old Bibi anymore, she looks bolder, stronger. Like someone you’d actually listen to if they were screaming at you to stop.
When she gets home, Nora’s already there, back from work. Shutting the door behind her, she already sees Nora running towards her, face all worried and maybe if she would be better at reading faces she’d see that Nora is also mad. “Bi!” She exclaims. “I was worried sick. I thought you… you’d run off and done something and--“ Mid sentence, she stops. “You’ve cut your hair.” It’s a simple statement, surprised and somehow amazed.
Bibi doesn’t reply. Instead she just makes her way past Nora, climbing up the stairs. “I need a hot bath.”
Half an hour later she’s in the tub, hot water surrounding her. Her empty eye socket isn’t covered by her eye patch for once and it’s also the first time since she’s lost it, she has let herself dive into the water. She’s always done this, to her it’s relaxing, her muscles losing their tension, a coping mechanism, really. When she’s under the water she feels safe, far away from it all. After this long, exhausting day she needs it to cool down, to recharge her batteries.
There’s a click of the door opening and closing. Nora. She kneels down beside the tub, looking Bibi right into the eye. Bibi looks away as she moves her upper body a little bit up, removing her hand from the water for Nora to hold. It’s strange, really. Nora knows every single part of her body by heart and nonetheless she feels self-conscious with Nora’s gaze upon her. With her empty eye socket not covered by the eye patch she feels naked, exposed.
Nora takes her hand, squeezes it gently. Normally she’d apply more pressure but this isn’t one of the moments in which she is supposed to do that. “It’s short.”
“I wanted it that way.”
“It looks like you, more than before, maybe.” More than before… Bibi doesn’t know about that but she supposes she is right, sometimes Nora knows her better than she knows herself. “You’re not hiding anymore, at least it looks like you aren’t.”
“Do you still find me beautiful?” The question hangs heavy between them, in the damp air of the bathroom. When Nora doesn’t answer at first, the seconds go by slowly. They feel like an eternity. She gestures at her face. “You know with all this. Would you still touch me?” They haven’t like that, not in weeks, Bibi turns her face away from Nora. Then, she feels a cool finger on her cheek that is Nora turning her face towards her again. Her thumb brushes carefully over her wet skin.
“Bibi, I could never find you not beautiful.”
It is a Thursday afternoon, the light in their kitchen is already on although it’s only four thirty. The days are getting shorter now, and despite having started therapy recently, Bibi’s mood is getting worse again. Her motivation to do anything, let alone to go somewhere is beyond zero. But she’s got a doctor’s appointment and Nora has told her she’d drive her because she doesn’t want Bibi wandering about alone in the dark. Bibi has tried to talk her out of it but she hasn’t succeeded. She’s not sure if there is succeeding if Nora is worried. So she’s given in, keeping to herself how much she is actually dreading that car ride.
Not having got a driver’s license since she’s never been able to get herself to make one, it’s always been her sisters, buses, trains, taxis or Nora driving her (and that one time JP). Having the knowledge that she doesn’t have to drive herself has been better, but her fear of cars has always been there. She knows it’s partly irrational but car accidents happen a lot and she has been too close to two too many. And as irrational fears are bound to be, rationality mostly can’t help them. Now, she isn’t so sure if she can let anyone else drive her anymore, the last one who has, has clearly violated every one of her limits and she knows how that has ended.
“Bibi,” Nora calls. “We’ve got to go.”
They should have left ten minutes ago, but Bibi hasn’t got herself to do it. She is already in her coat and shoes since four, but she’s sat down on the stairs and hasn’t moved since. Slowly, she is dragging towards the door, outside. Her steps as slow as possible, hoping to prolong the way.
When she sees the car, knowing she’s to get inside, she can’t do it. The car seems huge, monstrous even — and strangely fragile as if it could break every minute, getting out of their control. She gulps, trying to make the feeling of her throat closing up go away. She counts, in order to calm her breathing, but it doesn’t help. Her heart rate seems like it is long left the areas where it was only a little dangerously high but now is just going really, really fast. Her sight blurs, her breath is coming in fast, loud hunches. And as much as she wants to move back into the house but tries to move towards the car, she finds she cannot move at all. It’s like she has frozen to stone right where she is.
“Bibi?”
“I...” She tries to say but she can’t get out another word. The ground beneath her is swaying dangerously, a high beeping tone rings through her ears. With her hands, she tries to cover them, crouching down.
But it isn’t enough.
She removes one hand from her ear and bites down on her second finger, hoping the pain will make it better, distract her, rocking herself back and forth on her shoes. The tone in her ear is getting a little softer, the ground is turning a little slower but still, it doesn’t help much at all.
Then, just as she’s about to bite down again, someone takes her finger from her mouth and cups her face between their hands. Nora. Her thumbs are wiping away tears Bibi doesn’t know she’s cried. Nora looks right into Bibi’s eye, helping her focus again.
“Breathe with me,” she says. Bibi follows her instructions, her breaths shaking but starting to normalise.
After a while, she can think more clearly again.
“It’s alright,” Nora tells her. “Listen, I’ll drive extra carefully, nothing will happen, you’ll be fine. I can repeat that for you, if it helps.”
Bibi shakes her head. Nora has always been a careful driver, she knows that and she’d stop if Bibi told her to. Nonetheless, she can’t help but be overrun by another wave of fear. However, she doesn’t panic this time, stays in the present, only clenches her hands to fists, finger nails digging into soft skin, causing a comfortable pain.
“I can also call the doctor’s office and tell them to reschedule if you want to stay at home.” Nora looks at her questioningly, eyes filled with warmth and worry.
Again, Bibi reacts with the same motion as before. Reminding herself that Nora is not JP, and that she won’t hurt her, she gets up, taking Nora’s hand. She’d rather get this over with, as comfortable as backing out will be. She know she’ll panic again on the way, that they’ll stop more than once and that she’ll be afraid, but she hopes she’ll manage, knowing her relationship with cars will never be the same again.
Without a word, she gets into the vehicle. However not in the passenger seat as she normally would but in the left back seat. She’s read somewhere this is the safest seat to be in, and no figurines her eye could meat. Leaning back, she closes her eye.
It might not be perfect but she’ll show the world that she won’t be bothered, above all not by something the prick has done to her.