Chapter Text
Step by step, I ambled along the laid-stone pathway that circled through the university courtyard, gazing up with my head in the clouds. I used to look up at the dark autumn leaves and feel delighted; I would bask in all the beautiful tones of red and orange, and immediately begin thinking of compositions that expressed just how serene and lovely I felt in that moment. Now, all I could think about was my future and how ill-prepared I felt. It had only been a month or so since senior year began, and I was already stressing about finals. My university was known as a preparation-school; many people choose to come here for their under-grad, before applying to more prestigious academies. The leaves were just an alarming reminder of how fast time would pass me by. I gripped the straps of my backpack tighter as I forced my focus away from the trees, and back to my moving feet. I skipped faster down the path until I reached a fork, and turned down the direction of the dormitories.
I approached the large, brick building, hopping up the stairs and pushing past the heavy front door. I made my way down the hallway, refusing to look up and acknowledge the few people around me. I was friendly with most of my neighbors, but this was common; I was usually stressing over some project or rehearsal, and anyone who knew me was well-aware of that. As I reached my room and shoved the key into the hole, I glanced up at the whiteboard that was stuck to the front of the door. ‘ Akamatsu ’ was written neatly in big, bubbly letters, with a few hearts and music notes doodled around the corners. I had drawn it back in my first year with Shuichi by my side, and continued to touch it up over the years out of nostalgia. Shuichi helped me move into this dorm, and we spent so many nights up late, hanging out or helping each other study; I missed having my best friend around everyday. At the end of his second year- my first, he met his partner, Kokichi. One year later, they moved in together off campus, and the next year Shuichi graduated, leaving me all by myself in my final year.
I pushed my door open with a heave and stepped into the room feeling an instant sense of relief. This cramped little room was awful; but it had become my home, and was filled with the most comforting things; the candle on my nightstand, scented like coffee and vanilla that I constantly had lit. The soft, white string-lights that draped around the walls and ceiling and gave off just enough light to read through the darkness. The polaroid photos I kept neatly pressed onto a cork board above my bed, that made me desperately wish I could go back to being eighteen again.
With a sigh, I slung my backpack off of my shoulder and dropped it onto the floor beside my desk. My eyes drew to my bed and temptation swirled through my body, as if all my muscles tensed up at once just to prove a point. I had to shake the thought out of my head, reaching up and lightly slapping both of my cheeks to divert my attention. I began my normal routine, what I did everyday when I got home; change into more comfortable clothes, tie up my hair, light my candle, and throw on a pair of headphones. I felt an instant comfort, knowing that I was here in my own little bubble and could find small moments relief from my heavy thoughts. I let my body fall into my desk chair and pushed open the lid of my laptop as soft piano keys shifted my mind into focus.
After a while I glanced down at the time display in the corner of my screen. 5:32; it had only been an hour, and I already found myself distracted, scrolling aimlessly through my playlists in an attempt to find something more inspiring. I had thousands of songs and compositions saved, yet I didn’t seem to be in the mood for any of them. My scrolling was interrupted by vibrations and a small text box displaying ‘Incoming Call: bi-hara’. I pushed my headphones down my neck and raised my phone to my ear.
“Hiii,” I moped in an exaggerated tone, picking up a pen from my desk and pressing it against the notebook that I kept beside me, watching the ink run along the paper.
“Hey-” he began, but was swiftly interrupted.
“What’s wrong, piano-freak? Sore fingers?” Kokichi’s voice cut in. I rolled my eyes and let a smile appear over my lips. At first, all his little jabs and his talent of provoking people concerned me, but after a while I realized that he was helping Shuichi become a happier and stronger person. He used to be so timid and it was due to Kokichi’s opposition that he was able to make so many new friends in his final year. We got along quite well, though he still managed to get on my nerves from time to time.
“Shut up, theater kid,” I joked, propping my elbow up on the desk and resting my head in the palm of my hand. “Geez, Shu, you know I need to mentally prepare myself before I talk to him.”
Shuichi chuckled, and I could only assume Kokichi was crossing his arms and pouting facetiously like he so often did. I could hear the audio from whatever was playing through the television, which faded as Shuichi drifted further from the room. He continued, “So, what does your night look like?”
“As it stands,” I began, my eyes flicking back up to the nearly blank document in front of me. I had three ill-defined paragraphs that I would probably end up rewriting several times. I let a defeated huff of breath escape my lungs. “Drinking ten cups of coffee and praying that I can somehow finish this paper by the morning.”
“Ahh, classic. If it can’t be played on the piano, it won’t get done,” he criticized in a light-hearted tone. Despite how much joy it would make me feel, I couldn’t bring myself to argue with him. I hadn’t put nearly as much effort into my non-musical courses and it wasn’t much of a secret. “What class is it for?”
“AP Lit; Poetry. I’m doomed,” I joked. It was one of my mandatory classes this year, and was by-far my worst. I enjoyed reading poetry, but I was much more adept and perceiving and analyzing emotions through melodies, not words. “What about you guys, any plans?”
There was a pause, then a deep breath. I could picture Shuichi’s hopeful grin and excited, glossy eyes as he beamed, “Convincing you to come have fun with us?”
My heart sank in my chest a little. After he met Kokichi, the three of us spent a lot of time at parties together. Shuichi never got too disorderly, and oftentimes would take care of me and Kokichi simultaneously after we spent the night getting too drunk to walk together. I had so many joyous emotions connected to those days; so many non-memories framed into polaroids for safekeeping. Shuichi had asked me numerous times over the past few months to get out with them, but my work always seemed to get in the way, and I felt terrible every time I turned him down. I looked down at the mess of scribbles I had left on the page as I explained, “Shu; I have to get this paper done, and even when I finish, I have so much rehearsing to do.”
“Did you… book out a music room?” he questioned, his tone accusatory and still hopeful. It was stupid of me to even try and slide small details past him; it’s quite literally what he’s trained to do. Sometimes he even points out habits and details about me that I haven’t caught onto yet.
I bit the inside of my cheek. I was generally an honest person, but he was the one person that I refused to lie to. As tempting as the offer was, my stress was only glorifying my inhibitions. I mumbled, “No… but I could always go check-”
“Kaede, it’s Friday night, there’s no way any of those rooms are available,” he interrupted, his voice still light, but more stern. I dug my nail into the side of my finger as I focused on his words.“Listen, I got a 97% in AP Lit. I will write your paper for you, if you go take a shower and change out of that gross, stained hoodie.”
I couldn’t help but smile, feeling a moment of relief from the guilty feeling in my stomach as I looked down at my chest. I wore the same baby-pink hoodie whenever I was lounging, which over the years has collected many stains. The most prominent was the long, dripped blotches of red wine down the length of the left arm. Though, none of that bothered me; it had sentimental value, and wearing it only ever brought me comfort. “You know me too well.”
Shuichi chuckled softly, then there was another pause. I gripped the cuffs of my sleeves under my fingers as I felt his words tear into my heartstrings, “I miss you, Kae.”
I hesitated, letting remnants of those happy times flow through my mind like a slideshow. Part of me knew that regardless of Shuichi finishing my work for me, I wouldn’t stop stressing over it until I had a tangible grade in my hands, but the other part felt validated and wanted, and really, how could I say no to words like that? I straightened my back in my chair and glanced up at the useless document in front of me. I reached up and pushed the lid of my laptop shut, before letting out an exaggerated sigh, and saying, “Fineee; but I expect your best work.”
After ending the phone call, I begrudgingly dragged myself down to the communal showers and spent the better part of an hour getting ready. Most of that time was spent drying my hair, which had the annoying tendency of puffing up whenever I let it dry naturally. I spent time putting on some makeup and attempting to construct a cute outfit out of the remaining clean laundry that I had; I knew Kokichi would nag at me if I showed up in something too casual. I picked out a pink gingham skirt and paired it with a cropped, white top that hugged my neckline, and a strapped pair of white, platform heels. I stood in front of the tall mirror that hung on my closet door and scowled at the reflection looking back at me. It was risky wearing something so tight, and I couldn’t help but feel like all my insecurities were being highlighted; my hips buldged over the hem of the skirt, and I incessantly fussed with its placement in an attempt to hide it. I clenched my fist in frustration, staring down at myself in defeat before reaching up and grabbing a long, knit cardigan off the rack. I knew I would stop caring so much once I got alcohol into my system, but I felt bitter and resentful against my own body, so much so that I felt the need to cover it.
I walked out towards the parking lot just as the clock turned 6:45, and sure enough, I watched as Shuichi’s car cruised in towards me from the other side of the lot. He had this impeccable skill with timing that I never could understand; he was never a minute early, or a minute late. I threw a wave in their direction as I hopped down the steps and waited on the side of the curb. They approached, and Kokichi’s jaw dropped as he rolled down his window and pushed the top half of his body out of it.
“Omigod, you actually dressed up? Now I owe Shuichi twenty bucks,” he pouted as he eyed me up and down. Shuichi leaned forward against the steering-wheel to join my field of view, shaking his head adamantly as he shot Kokichi an incredulous stare.
“We did not make a bet,” he explained, but I only giggled as I stepped down from the curb and reached for the door handle. I expected such a comment, and had mentally prepared myself for a night of Kokichi’s maddening energy. I adjusted my clothes, pulling my cardigan down to cover my thighs after I buckled myself in. Shuichi tilted his head back towards me as he shifted the gear out of park. “You look great, Kae.”
I smiled earnestly, taking the complement to heart. It’s always been easy to accept kind words from him, even if I have trouble agreeing with them; I just knew he always had my best intentions in mind. Kokichi rolled up his window as the car began to move, and turned his body around to look towards me. He smiled, “I’m just kidding, you look gorgeous. Perfect for a first impression.”
His tone was almost mischievous and he wore a grin that matched it. I stared back at him blankly as I processed his words, and confusion began to creep onto my expression. All I could muster was, “What are you talking about?”
Kokichi snickered and tilted his head to the side, “Oh, Shuichi didn’t fill you in? Tonight’s the night you’re gonna meet your soulmate and fall madly in love!”
My lips parted slightly as his delighted eyes peered back at me, and a nervous wave began to stir in my stomach. Over the past year, he had asked me if he could set me up with people, insisting that his friends and I have ‘so much in common’. I’ve always shot him down under the guise of being too busy for a relationship; which was true, but it took a long time before I was able to mesh well with Kokichi, so I was wary about the types of personalities he would attract. I kept my head still but shifted my eyes to Shuichi, repeating, “What is he talking about?”
Shuichi kept his head straight as an arrow, but tightened his grip around the wheel while his body tensed under my stare. Kokichi broke his posture, leaning forward over the middle compartment with a less theatrical grin. He casually explained, “I just happen to have this super hot, smart friend who just happens to be meeting up with us.”
“Shuichi!” I exclaimed, thrusting my head in his direction with a piercing glare. My stomach twisted as anxious thoughts about how the night would play out instantly began to circle through my mind. I clutched the hem of my sweater and rubbed the soft fabric between my fingers as my nerves continued to build. Shuichi flicked his head back towards me as if to face me, but kept his eyes toward the road.
“If I had told you, you wouldn’t have come; I wanted to see you,” he explained. I couldn’t help myself from feeling slightly jaded, despite my belief in his answer. I had this dependency on mentally preparing myself before doing anything ; as if I needed time to gather the right amount of energy. I let out the breath that I had trapped in my lungs as I let my eyes flutter closed for just a moment before landing back on Kokichi, my head moving in succession with my eyes.
“You’re evil ,” I emphasized, letting my head fall to the back of the seat and pouting toward the window. Kokichi huffed out a laugh and swiveled back towards the dashboard, reaching over and grabbing his phone to unpause the music as we continued down the road.