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The Man sat in the bar drinking his beer as The Judge gave a sermon over the nature of war and existence.
“I tell you this. As war becomes dishonored and its nobility called into question those honorable men who recognize the sanctity of blood will become excluded from the dance, which is the warrior’s right, and thereby will the dance become a false dance and the dancers false dancers. And yet there will be one there always who is a true dancer and can you guess who that might be?” said the Judge.
“You ain’t nothing” said The Man
“You speak truer than you know, but I will tell you. Only that man who has offered himself entire to the blood of war, who has been to the floor of the pit and seen horror in the round and learned at last that it speaks to his inmost heart. Only that man can dance.”
“Even a dumb animal can dance” said The Man
“Hear me man” said The Judge. “There is room on the stage for one beast and one alone. All others are destined for a night that is eternal and without name. One by one they will step down into the darkness before the footlamps. Bears that dance, bears that don’t.”
As soon as The Judge finished his monologue, he immediately cupped his hands together and fired a blue Kamehameha at The Man in an attempt to disintegrate him where he stood.
The Man jumped out of the way with his lightning fast reflexes, before throwing ninja stars at the Judge with quick precision.
The Judge pulled out a katana blade and sliced all of the ninja stars in mid-air without even breaking a sweat.
“Such heroic nonsense” said the Judge.
The Man didn’t say anything to that. He simply jumped up in the air yelled “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN” before using Pikachu’s trademark thunderbolt and electrocuting the Judge.
The Judge flew backwards as the electricity coursed through his veins and attacked every single cell in his body.
The Man then sat down and started drinking a nice tall can of Mountain Dew. “It’s the Mountain Dewiest” said The Man happily.
The Judge then broke out of the electric attack and said “not on my watch” before slapping the Mountain Dew out of The Man’s hand.
The Judge then picked up The Man and slammed him through one of the tables, causing wood to go flying everywhere.
The Judge then pulled out the hammer from the iconic arcade game, Donkey Kong, and began repeatedly bashing The Man in the face with it.
“Give in to the blood of war and hatred” said the Judge.
“Never, because we’re Sonic Heroes!” said The Man before pulling out a chaos emerald, flying in the air, and using Shadow’s chaos blast to annihilate The Judge where he stood.
The Judge was once again flung into another wall. The force behind the attack caused the Judge to cough up blue raspberry flavored blood.
The Judge hopped off of the wall and once again pulled out his Donkey Kong hammer, but The Man was prepared as he pulled out Amy Rose’s Piko Piko Hammer and the two of them began bashing each
other on the head repeatedly.
“GIVE INTO WAR AND HATRED!” said The Judge before bashing The Man.
“NEVER! WAR IS GAY!” said The Man before bashing The Judge.
“DO IT!” said the Judge before bashing The Man.
“WAR IS SUPER ULTRA GAY” said The Man before bashing the Judge.
“IF YOU GIVE INTO WAR AND ALL ITS GLORY, YOU CAN HAVE AN OREO COOKIE” said The Judge before bashing the Man.
“I’M DIABETIC” said the Man before bashing The Judge.
“DIABETES IS GAYER THAN WAR” said The Judge before bashing The Man.
“YOU ARE GAYER THAN DIABETES” said The Man before bashing The Judge.
This went on for 15 minutes. The fact that the both of them still had working brains was a miracle.
Soon, the Judge grew tired of the monotony of this exchange, and fired his red heat vision at The Man, sending the scalper flying across the room and into one of the hanging photographs, shattering the
frame.
The Judge then used his super speed to run up to The Man and proceeded to punch him one million times in the span of a split second, causing The Man to cough up grape jelly looking blood.
The Man then caught one of the Judge’s punches and proceeded to breathe a stream of orange fire on the enormous man, causing the Judge to burst into flames.
The Man followed up this attack by pulling out a spell book. He then got out his knife and proceeded to make a deep and gory slice across his palm, before letting the blood drip on the pages of the book. He then began to pray “oh holy Lasagna gods, I give you this offering in exchange for assistance with taking this nigga off the face of the earth.”
The Lasagna gods clearly heard The Man’s prayer, as a bolt of lightning struck the bar that the two cowboys were in.
The lightning caused an explosion which temporarily blinded the cowboys. When the smoke from the explosion dissipated, there stood the mighty warrior, Garfield, in all his orange glory.
Garfield pointed at the Judge dramatically before doing a Sentai pose and said “in the name of Lasagna, you shall be punished.”
The Man and Garfield then highfived before they began attacking the Judge with lightning fast punches and kicks.
The Judge was unable to defend from their attack flurry as he felt every part of his body getting harmed gratuitously.
The Man and Garfield then finished their attack rush with a double uppercut to the Judge’s chin, sending the embodiment of evil flying through the air until he smashed through a table.
The Man and Garfield fistbumped before Garfield said “my time is now up, I must do battle with Chaos Eater Jon Arbuckle, but before I go, please take these Lasagna gauntlets.”
Garfield then gave The Man two boxing gloves made out of lasagna before turning into a rocket ship and flying into space to save the cosmos.
The Man shed a tear as he said “what a brave man.”
As The Judge got back up, The Man put on his lasagna boxing gloves and said “prepare to taste defeat” before punching The Judge with the force of 1000 exploding suns.
The Judge yelled out in pain as the power of lasagna destroyed the cells in his body.
“STAR PLATINUM” yelled out the Judge as he summoned his stand to come to his aid.
The Judge then ordered his stand to attack The Man, full force.
Star Platinum did what his master requested, and proceed to punch the everloving shit out of The Man.
The Man returned an equal amount of punches as the two beings matched each other, blow for blow, neither one of them letting up.
Finally, the struggle ended and Star Platinum was the one who came out victorious as he ripped off The Man’s lasagna gauntlets and punched The Man through the stomach, creating a bloody, donut-
looking hole in his belly.
The Judge called his stand back to him as he began walking over to The Man’s defeated body, smirking the biggest smirk down in smirktown.
“You’ve fought valiantly, but in the end, you were a subpar dance partner at most” said The Judge.
“No, I’ve still got one thing left” said The Man as his Saiyan DNA began to activate and he found himself beginning to change.
The Man’s hair began to grow blonde and extra spiky, while his muscles quadrupled in size. A fiery aura of manliness began to exude as The Man began floating up in the air, the hole in his stomach sealing itself closed as all his injuries began to heal.
The Man’s fighting spirit began to grow as he viewed The Judge with all the hatred and righteous fury one could muster at the moment.
The Man had turned into a Super Saiyan.
“Now, in the name of all that is good in the world, PERISH!” said The Man before he flew over to The Judge and punched him with one zillion punches, each one powerful enough to explode a thousand stars.
The Man then picked up The Judge and flung him into the air, before finishing him off with his devastating, Kamehameh-ok I’m just messing with you dear reader, none of that shit actually happened.
What really happened is that as The Man turned into his Super Saiyan form, The Judge prepared to use his ultra secret attack, an attack so secret that no one even knows it exists. An attack so secret that not even Cormac McCarthy knew the Judge had this in his arsenal until now.
The Man began flying towards The Judge with the intent to beat the shit out of him, but The Judge was prepared, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a single Corn Chip.
The Judge then flung this corn chip at The Man and The Man screamed “OH NO, NOT CORN CHIPS! THOSE ARE MY ONLY WEAKNESS!”
The Man then exploded into a pile of blood and guts, while The Judge looked at his work, pleased with himself.
He then stripped naked and began dancing while chanting that he will never die.
Cormac McCarthy then read my fanfic before shedding a tear and saying “finally, someone who truly gets what Blood Meridian was all about” before highfiving me and adopting me as his son.