Chapter Text
Xie Lian had suffered a lot during his first banishment. Everything in every aspect of his life ended up being a source of pain somehow, it seemed. Especially himself, in more ways than one.
He almost hurt so many people, and he had to be punished for it. It didn’t matter that he’d changed his mind because there had still been the casualty of Wu Ming. It had been too late. That was the reason he accepted his second banishment, but that didn’t make it any easier. After all, he knew once he was stuck in the mortal realm once again that he would also be stuck in his old body.
For as long as he could remember, Xie Lian knew he was a boy. A man, now. But others didn’t always think the same. Even though he’d begun transitioning socially since before he ascended, there was still a minority who’d call him a princess. When he did ascend and was able to shift forms, those people quieted down. As did his dysphoria.
Being able to shift forms was a luxury most like him were never afforded. For the first time in his life, he truly felt at home in his body. To have that torn away…it was hard, to say the least. And it was even harder to know he’d probably never get it back for as long as he roamed the earth.
Xie Lian would have to make do somehow. Despite how he longed for his other form, he knew he didn’t belong in the heavens. But he wasn’t helpless, and he wouldn’t live as a woman. This was just a setback.
So, early into his banishment, Xie Lian found himself staying at an inn (he was only there for the night, as he wouldn’t dare endanger the innkeepers further with his bad luck) and taking a good look in the mirror. He swallowed. He felt raw in a way he didn’t expect. During his first banishment, there’d been so many sources of sorrow and discomfort that he barely had time to think about this particular one. No wonder he’d wanted to hole up in his room and never leave back then.
First of all, Xie Lian hated the feeling of his breasts against his skin. Having to feel it and look at it right now was massively uncomfortable. When he had to close his eyes to take a deep breath, he felt the soft touch of fabric. Snapping his eyes open, he fell upon the sight of Ruoye wrapping itself firmly around his chest. The silk band settled itself in a way that was tight but not suffocating, and all too effective. Xie Lian’s lips quirked up a little.
Truthfully, he wasn’t sure how safe this was. Back when he still lived as a prince, his mother had seen his plight and had chest binding materials custom made. He’d discovered that it was best not to wear them constantly, and through earlier experimentation, that bandages weren’t the best way to go. Ruoye was special though, wasn’t it? It had a mind of its own, so perhaps it was also safer. No matter what, this was his best option right now (and for the foreseeable future), so it would have to do. Physical pain wasn’t the kind he was worried about anyway.
Second, there was his mostly feminine facial features. He didn’t dislike his face exactly, it was just jarring since it looked different now. Even in his other form, he wasn’t hypermasculine, so it would be simple enough to get by with a little makeup if he was really feeling it. It helped that the rest of him was quite muscular and just tall enough to satisfy.
The main concern was, third, his voice. It would certainly make people do a double take as it was now. Xie Lian sighed. Actually, maybe it’d be funny to see people question themselves like that. He’d been trying to learn to speak lower, and he might be able to make it the perfect pitch to trip them up. He’d figure it out. His voice was pleasant at any pitch.
See, he was making progress already. Life wasn’t easy, but he’d already gone through hell and back. This wasn’t going to be the end of him.
He was a man no matter what.
~⭐️~
Eight hundred years had passed since Xie Lian’s second banishment. Recently, he had ascended for the third time, and he wasn’t really sure how to feel about it. Once, it had been all he wanted. But in the time he spent in exile, he had learned many things. Namely, the heavens were far too troublesome; scrap collecting wasn’t so bad after all. Even so, he wasn’t going to give up this opportunity.
But when his assignment to Mount Yujun locating missing brides and the ghost bridegroom who was responsible ended with him dressed as a bride, he thought the universe was trying to mess with him.
Xie Lian didn’t mind dressing up. It’d been eight hundred years; he wasn’t at all insecure about it. So why were Feng Xin and Mu Qing— cough —Nan Feng and Fu Yao acting so weird?
When they realized they’d need one of them to dress as a bride to lure the ghost bridegroom, both of them froze and pointedly looked away. Xie Lian was the best option, but they didn’t want to say that. He appreciated the thought and knew they wouldn’t make him do it, but this wasn’t exactly saving him face. It was still clear neither of them were going to volunteer. They would probably rather find another person entirely.
When Xie Lian volunteered himself, they acted even weirder. Again, it’d been a long time. He would wear whatever he wanted or whatever was available. A wedding dress was just a bit of fun for him.
In the end, he was glad he did it. That mysterious man who showed him the way on the mountain… He hoped that very soon, they would see each other again.
~⭐️~
The young man Xie Lian had come to know as San Lang unsurprisingly turned out to be the ghost king, Hua Cheng—the very same that he met on Mount Yujun.
If he was being honest, he had known the man’s identity since the beginning on the ox cart. He didn’t seem to be trying very hard to keep it a secret. It was more of a pretense to help them meet on more natural terms. They were able to get to know each other more before discussing the whole god and ghost king thing.
When they finally did talk about it after returning from Banyue Pass, the conversation was different from what Xie Lian expected. He could tell that Hua Cheng was a very interesting person, one that must have a lot more to him than met the eye. Even if he didn’t know everything about him yet, he was certain that Hua Cheng was trustworthy. He had enough faith in his new friend not to press about his still-burning questions.
Right now, the thing he was most curious about was Hua Cheng’s true form. The man had seemed surprisingly insecure about it as they talked, refusing to show it off on the spot. He’d eventually promised Xie Lian that the next time they met, he would use it. Xie Lian didn’t want him to feel pressured to show it to him if he didn’t want to, but Hua Cheng’s hesitance didn’t seem to stem from a genuine desire to hide anything. He just needed a little time to get used to the idea of Xie Lian seeing him like that.
Xie Lian knew that no matter what Hua Cheng looked like, he would love it. In his eight hundred years, he’d seen all manner of appearances, so it wasn’t as though Hua Cheng’s could scare him off anyway. As he always said, what mattered was that they got along.
Still, Xie Lian found himself vibrating with excitement when he realized he’d get to see the ghost king’s true form very soon. Since he, Shi Qingxuan, and Lang Qianqiu were on their way to investigate Ghost City, he’d no doubt run into Hua Cheng, the city’s master. He wished that they were about to meet on better terms—that he’d come of his own accord instead of being sent by the Emperor—but at least they would see each other more quickly now.
Since they were going to meet Lang Qianqiu in the city, it was just Xie Lian and Shi Qingxuan for a while. The two of them got along pretty well. Most heavenly officials treated Xie Lian like the plague, so it wasn’t exactly a high bar, but Shi Qingxuan seemed to have really taken to Xie Lian—defended him a few times, even. Xie Lian thought the other was nice enough, and after a recent revelation, felt a sort of kinship with them.
Shi Qingxuan wasn’t simply a man or a woman. They flitted between both as they pleased, only really caring that they looked and felt good. Their attachment to their female form despite their original being male reminded Xie Lian of himself. He hadn’t told them this, of course, but rather tucked the knowledge of their similar experience away in his mind.
At least for now.
“Dianxia, you should change forms too!” Shi Qingxuan exclaimed. She had just changed into her female form, saying that it was more powerful than her male one. Since it also worked as a sort of disguise, she insisted that Xie Lian should become female as well. But really, what was the difference between two gods infiltrating Ghost City and two goddesses doing the same thing? Shi Qingxuan was mostly just having fun.
“Ah, I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Xie Lian declined. If he was going to pretend to be a woman, he wouldn’t change forms to do it anyway. He would just take off Ruoye.
“Come on, why not? I can lend you some spiritual energy if you need!” Shi Qingxuan offered.
Xie Lian sighed. He supposed he could simply tell her the truth, but he hadn’t told anyone in many years. Besides, she’d probably drop it after a moment.
Soon enough, the conversation was lost entirely as they came across a group of female ghosts walking into the city. They fawned over the two heavenly officials, completely unaware of their identities, and dragged Shi Qingxuan off with them. Xie Lian was on his own.
He continued on his way into the city, confident he’d find his companions soon enough. The place was quite lively and rowdy. There were all sorts of ghosts wandering around, from humanoids to strange creatures. Although many of them behaved crassly, and Xie Lian had seen them selling more than questionable things at some stalls, he found that he didn’t dislike it in Ghost City. Knowing it was a place Hua Cheng had helped build from the ground up also made it all the more enjoyable.
While he was walking and glancing around at everything, Xie Lian felt himself bump into someone.
“Oooh, you’re pretty~” a voice said. Suddenly, Xie Lian felt a hand creep up his shoulder.
A woman was clinging to him. More specifically, a ghost woman with a face full of makeup. She giggled coquettishly at him and wouldn’t let him get far whenever he tried to extricate himself from her grasp.
“Guniang, what are you doing?” He attempted to keep his voice polite but distant. It backfired when the woman began to giggle harder.
“Guniang! You called me guniang! You and me are going to have some fun tonight.”
Xie Lian suppressed a shudder. He did not like where this was going. He had to end this swiftly, and he did have a go-to method of doing that. He was hoping he could get away before having to use it, though.
“Come on, what are you waiting for? You should be jumping on this opportunity. I won’t make you pay—I’ll even pay you! Are you even a real man if you refuse that?”
Ah. It looked like he was going to have to use the method after all. This was one of his least favorite conversations to have (because yes, he had had it before), especially when the other felt the need to mention being a “real man”. Xie Lian didn’t think any of them knew what made a real man.
“Sorry, but I can’t get it up,” he said curtly.
That simple phrase quickly got the woman to release him, as always. Of course, not before she and everyone else who heard what he said made fun of him a great deal for it. He didn’t care.
Technically, it wasn’t a lie. He didn’t have erectile dysfunction, but he still certainly could not get erect. No one really needed to know why.
Xie Lian tried his best to brush the encounter off and keep a low profile. The last thing he wanted was to cause trouble in Hua Cheng’s city. However, even if he was perfectly behaved himself, he could not control the actions of others—specifically Lang Qianqiu. When the younger god caused a commotion in the Gambler’s Den and got himself immobilized, Xie Lian had to step up to help him. To do that, he had to gamble and win him back.
He’d never gambled before, especially not in a place like this. The ghosts gambled with anything and for anything, something Lang Qianqiu had not been happy about. Xie Lian naturally hadn’t thought it was right that a father tried to gamble away his daughter either, but he had trusted Hua Cheng to handle it. Since it was too late now, Xie Lian found himself furiously shaking a pair of dice in vain, knowing his luck would never allow the odds to be in his favor.
But then Hua Cheng, who had been observing through a red curtain at the head of the hall, was inviting him up to learn how to shake the dice properly. And although it seemed ridiculous that there could be a right way to roll dice, Xie Lian was all too happy to go see him anyway.
He had promised Xie Lian that he would be in his true form this time. Hua Cheng didn’t seem like the kind of person who would go back on a promise, which meant the figure Xie Lian was approaching now was definitely the man’s true form.
It was hard to see him clearly through the red curtain—except for his hands, of course. His fingers were long and delicate with black-painted nails, yet they looked strong enough to snap someone’s spine. Xie Lian wasn’t sure why he was always so mesmerized by them. “Always” because they didn’t seem different than usual.
In fact, from what Xie Lian could make out of him, Hua Cheng only had a few noticeable differences. He hadn’t been much taller than Xie Lian before, but now their height difference was more pronounced. He was also more…glamorous? It was to be expected since he was in his domain now, though. Aside from that, there was only the black eyepatch that Xie Lian had already been informed about. The rest of his slim, lanky self was all too familiar.
To see more, Xie Lian would have to wait. Luckily, Hua Cheng was also keen on seeing Xie Lian again, even though he was, of course, the same as always. After he won his bet against Hua Cheng to get Lang Qianqiu back, the ghost king sent his Waning Moon Officer to bring Xie Lian to Paradise Manor.
The two of them, god and ghost, sat together without any physical barriers at last. Xie Lian could see now that there were indeed some differences in Hua Cheng’s face. It was more mature than before and with sharper eyeliner. As if he hadn’t been handsome already, he was now devastatingly beautiful.
With some difficulty, Xie Lian managed to lower his gaze. Hua Cheng had taken down the top of his outer layer, revealing his tight, black undershirt. Suddenly he couldn’t tell if his mouth was desert dry or watering.
Was Xie Lian imagining things, or…
Hua Cheng smirked when he caught Xie Lian staring. “So, what do you think? I hope my true form didn’t disappoint.”
Xie Lian shook his head vigorously. “No, not at all! It’s a very good form. Very good.” It was a serious understatement. Xie Lian wasn’t sure he’d liked someone’s appearance so much in his entire life.
“I don’t use it much because I prefer the flatter-chested ones. But if gege likes it, I could use it more often.”
So Xie Lian wasn’t imagining things after all. Hua Cheng really was like him? Xie Lian hadn’t met a lot of people who had the same experience with gender as he did, and finding out that someone he was becoming close with had this in common with him as well was a welcome surprise—especially considering the last similar occurrence was so recent.
“I understand. If I could change forms, I might prefer that as well. I think you should do what makes you the most comfortable. But I do think that you are quite handsome like this, yes.” He added in the last part more quietly.
Hua Cheng smiled. “I’d be more than happy to give gege spiritual energy if he wants. He deserves to be comfortable to the utmost. But I do think he’s handsome no matter what, of course.”
Even though he was the one who said it first, Xie Lian blushed red at Hua Cheng’s words. Not knowing how to address the compliment, he focused on the first part instead.
“It’s quite alright. If I can’t maintain it, then I’d rather not change forms. And actually, I do feel pretty comfortable right now.”
He hadn’t felt so comfortable in a while. Hua Cheng seemed to have no trouble at all making Xie Lian feel things he was unused to.
The ghost leaned forward as if he could read the god’s thoughts. He didn’t say it then, but later, Xie Lian would think back on this moment and be reminded of a certain set of words.
“What matters is you and not the state of you.”