Work Text:
Once upon a time it was a vrry beautiful german morning . ness has just finished baking a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge batch of exquisite cookies for his alpha detective kaiser.
kaiser breaks the front door down. he stomps his feet angrily the house starts shaking as his large barefeet sweatily slapping against the ground leaving wet marks on the floor tiles.
“What is that rancid smell?!” kaiser yells
“i made u some cookies” ness comes out of the kitchen holding a tray of freshly baked cookies. Each cookie was decorated with prime sprinkles and had logan paul icing
“Shaut the brick up!” kaiser slaps the tray of cookies off ness’ hand. The hard cookies that are made of cement shatter the floor.
ness stares in horror.
“oh jeepers mein cookies!” he cries
“i can smell your fudging (no pun intended!) cookies from outside. they smell like straight up poopen tooten kacken furzen. prime sprinkles suck they taste like cough medicine and logan paul is a fraud! And you’re ugly and should selbst hangen” Kaiser starts slapping his bare stompers out and picks up his stuff from ness’ house. His feet leaving dark stains on ness’ carpet in the process.
after leaving the house he looks back and a golden lamborghini charges straight into ness’ kitchen and breaks through the wall. Kaisers eyes widen
“YEEEWOOOUUUCHH!” he hears ness scream
he rushes back inside this time he takes ness’ tray off the floor and uses it to slide down the rubble pile. he reaches the kitchen and seea that ness is dead.
Two men walk out of the golden lamborghini and start skedaddling out of what used to be ness’ home.
TIMESKIP - OPEN CASKET FUNERAL.
Kaiser parks his monster truck in front of the local church ⛪️. he can hear luke day playing from inside the church.
this used to be ness’ favorite drill artist
he sighs and puts down his beach hat to cover his streaming tears.
as he walks inside the church he sees the same two men from that day are standing inside the church dressed in gorgeous lamborghini merch erected in gold handing out flyers and merch.
“hey! i know you two bastarde!” kaiser yells pointing at them
“Heh! look at this jaehyun! another piece of sand in the dessert” one of the men cackles deviously. His name is logan paul.
jaehyun stands on kaisers bare feet
kaiser grabs his own feet in pain
“your grippers r quite ugly pal!” logan paul smirks menacingly terrifying kaiser. kaiser starts shaking in fear
shidou steps in.
“Yooooo whats popping kings?”
“this guy is trying to shut down our business” logan paul growls spitting on kaisers suit.
shidou ponders but before he could say anything the funeral starts and everyone takes their seat.
— TIMESKIP - speech —
“- You wwre the sole light in this effed up world man. You were my everything bro from the day i first met you man. you gave the world color dude yo i swear my life was colorless before i met you dude… you curred my colorblindness..” shidou finished his speech sniffling really hard and wiping his snot on the microphone.
he steps down and goes backcto his seat. kaiser runs to the casket with his feet slippery from all the tears leaving puddles on the church floor. his feet skid to a halt next to ness’ coffin.
he looks inside ness’ casket at the OPEN CASKET FUNERAL. KSI merch adorning his cold lifeless body.
kaiser cries into the OPEN CASKET at the OPEN CASKET FUNERAL. his acidic tears dissolve some of the wood on the coffin away.
ness starts floating to the top of the casket as the music changes to dance monkey saxophone cover.
ness revives with a smile on his face.
“oh golly god gosh kaiser! hi!” he starts twirling his little hairs and giggling.
Kaiser pulls him into a smooching off session in front of the funeral guests and they all lives happily ever after