Archive of Our Own

Even though Seokjin can count on his own two hands how many times he’s met Kim Namjoon, they never start with normal greetings.

“Jin-hyung, got casted again?” 

Each time they hang out, Hoseok usually picks a new trendy restaurant in a popular district in Seoul.

And every time without fail, a brave (or drunkenly bold) stranger comes up to him with not-so hidden intentions. But it happened to be the first time Hoseok invited Namjoon to meet his friends that he got stopped by a casting agent, eager to know whether he was already represented. 

It wasn’t the first time Seokjin got an offer, but the first and last one was over 10 years ago. 

Taken aback, the following scenes were a bit blurry in Seokjin’s mind. But the whole group, Hoseok, in particular, seemed to be keen on bringing it up seeing as he was the one who “cooly and smoothly pretended to be Seokjin’s manager”. 

So it became an inside joke whenever he was late.

Somehow, Kim Namjoon loved the joke so much that he brings it up now just as Seokjin returns from the toilet. 

“Yeah, this time they said with my face, we could go Hollywood!” Seokjin likes their jesting, it makes him feel free like a kid.

“Seriously, though, are you okay? You were there for like 20 minutes.”

Namjoon and Seokjin somehow have created this bubble in the far edge of the table, away from where the five others are playing a dancing-memory game of sorts that isn’t short of shouting. 

“It wasn’t a casting agent, it was an old friend from high school.” A million things are flinging across his mind. 

Namjoon’s tentative, curious expression urged him to continue. 

“I kinda feel guilty. He was—is a good guy, we weren’t that close back then but throughout the years he made a lot of effort to keep in touch with me.” 

He wants to say he’s a bad texter, but that feels like an excuse. 

“We did text for a few years but then I kinda stopped replying. There’s really no excuse. But he was really happy to see me nonetheless,” Seokjin sighs, silently thanking Namjoon for refilling his shot glass. “I feel bad. I should've been a better friend.”

He hears a hum but his ‘what-ifs and should’ve’ thoughts block him from fully being aware of his surroundings. 

“He seems like a nice person. It’s okay to have regrets, that’s what makes us human. Thinking of these regrets also is a sign, I think, of us wanting to do better next time.” 

Seokjin recalls many of his conversations with Namjoon to always stir this deep feeling of sombre within him. He doesn’t know why most of the themes of conversation with him include regret.  

“I guess so. But I’m just thinking why I didn’t just try harder back then. People are never that busy, right?”

A bout of shame settles in Seokjin’s chest. He knows his words are contradictory to his actions. It makes him focus his gaze on the clear liquid in his hands. 

Sure, he’s had months of being extremely busy, and months of extreme boredom. An up and down series of life experiences. He had this elevated sense of pride during his frequent all-nighters and client meetings, up until it took a toll on his health. 

Moving to Seoul to ‘make it big’ was his goal, but what good would it bring if it made him dread waking up the next day. 

“You shouldn’t worry too much about that, Jin-hyung. Even if you weren’t that busy there’s so many factors that lead us to the decisions we made, sometimes outside our conscience.”

It’s true. Seokjin knows it was his insecurities that prevented him from contacting his old friends. 

“Let’s not wallow in it.” Namjoon sighs after taking the shot of soju, shaking off the growingly bleak mood they were heading into as he breaks into a charming smile. 

“So what did you guys talk about? Wait, what’s he doing in Seoul?” 

Kyungsoo luckily stayed being the happy-go-lucky guy that he’s always been. Seokjin huffs amusedly as he reminisces to the class clown’s antics. 

“He works here now—has been for the past year. Honestly, I don’t remember what else we talked about. I was still in shock, and he talked pretty fast.” 

Despite his stupor, the red flush was evident on Kyung-soo’s face, and since he was still wearing a suit, though wrinkled with his necktie loose, Seokjin can’t help but feel some worry for the guy. 

“I should talk to him soon.” Seokjin knows first-hand how the awfully self-degrading and ridiculously bizarre world of corporate culture can be to new employees, he hypothesised worse to non-Seoul natives. 

“You’re a good friend, hyung.” Namjoon nudges him, and just like any of his words, Seokjin believes him. 

It turns out Seokjin was right, and after a heart-to-heart Kyung-soo blindly followed his advice to quit the job, working part-time at a convenience store as he crashed Seokjin’s couch. 

It was the first time Seokjin saw Kyungsoo’s mask fall, sobbing his heart out at night as he revealed his fear of disappointing his parents back home. 

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” Seokjin would pat his friend’s back, realising in retrospect how he’s also saying the words to himself.

Namjoon and Seokjin have never met without the presence of their group. It’s nothing weird and both of them never felt the urge to hang out without Hoseok, who literally is the glue to their friendship. 

Though society would label him as a classic introvert, Seokjin has many friendships like the one he has with Namjoon. Actually he’s fostered many friends-slash-acquaintances as a result of his close friends—mostly Hoseok—inviting him to many late-night hangouts. 

He doesn’t know how Hoseok ended up his closest friend, but he’s always grateful for the guy’s genuine love and support for him. It made him become more intentional in being a better friend.

If you asked him ten years ago to organise a birthday blow-out for a friend, he’d be looking at you like you were out of your mind. 

Yet, here he is, two months of researching, booking and contacting Hoseok’s friends discreetly lead him to this exciting yet anxiety-inducing moment.

“He’s gonna love this, hyung.” Namjoon’s encouragement isn’t any different from the others’. Yet, it boosts Seokjin's confidence a tad bit more. He thinks it’s because he knows Namjoon is brutally honest, especially through his expressions. So as Namjoon focuses on taking photos of the luxurious setup of a banquet, Seokjin revels in his smile just a mere second longer. 

The two become inseparable throughout the day, Namjoon filling the role of Seokjin’s wingman, doing everything the latter asks him to. It’s especially helpful when Hoseok’s many friends—most of whom he knows from work—arrived, seeing that those are also Namjoon’s friends. 

The two don’t talk outside the topic of decorations, catering or the surprise plan until the room is quiet and the lights of the rental unit are dimmed. 

“Are they coming?” Namjoon whispers next to him as they wait for the sound of the click of the door. 

Slightly distracted by the oncoming message from Jeongguk about him and Hoseok approaching the building, he nods absentmindedly as he quickly types out a reply. 

“I think Hoseok might cry.” Seokjin finally turns his gaze towards him. Namjoon's closer than he expected, their shoulders brushing as they crouch in the back of the couch. 

“That was the goal.” Seokjin grins, just that bit wider as he catches a gleam in Namjoon’s eyes. Blood rushes in his ears. He’s getting nervous. 

Because…

Hoseok’s coming soon. 

He gets startled when a series of happy birthdays echoes throughout the room, the sudden bright lights throwing him off for a second. A strong force pulls him to his feet and suddenly he’s being crushed into a familiar, warm hug.

“Jin-hyunggg! Aishh! Hyung..” 

Seokjin’s face becomes hot as he feels the looks from everyone in this room, some strangers, acquaintances and a few friends. Everything happened so fast yet with his face perched on Hoseok’s shoulder, being swayed fondly by his best friend, the thud of his pulse still blares in his ears as a figure stands right in front of them.

Seokjin thinks he shouldn’t drink as much tonight, considering his abnormally increased heart-rate. 

It’ll go away soon, right?

Like the good friend he is, Hoseok clings onto Seokjin in a permanent back hug as he goes around the room to chat and introduce him to new faces. 

“Hyung, I’m showing you off to everyone, because you’re the best hyung ever. They all must be so jealous.” Hoseok giggles as he half-jokes, clutching tighter around Seokjin. 

Seokjin’s social battery is gradually waning off but he’s getting a lot of energy just from feeling Hoseok’s happiness right next to him. It’s all good because he plans to stay in for the next few days anyway, might as well go full out on his best friend’s birthday. 

Hoseok’s currently talking to one of his college friends, and Seokjin admits he’s completely satisfied with not being included in the conversation after some polite greetings and the well-rehearsed thank you he mutters when they compliment his party-organising skills. 

At an upcoming yawn, he tries to bite it down as he turns his head inconspicuously. On the opposite side of the room, Namjoon’s eyes are already fixed on him as he leans against the wall, but his mouth keeps moving as Seokjin notices an unfamiliar person next to him. 

Despite his earlier declaration to limit his alcohol intake, he quickly averts his gaze and takes a mouthful of cherry vodka into his throat. 

Before he can even wipe the red liquid from his lips, he feels a strong presence approaching him. 

“Hoba, mind if I steal hyung?” Namjoon intercepts suavely and asks during a conversation break between the two college friends, handing Seokjin a tissue. Seokjin takes it without lifting his head, wondering if he’s getting sick with how his heart is acting up at the moment. 

“No.” Seokjin’s face heats up as he hears Hoseok’s friend laugh at the interaction. 

“Please?” 

“Get your own!” Hoseok’s hold on him tightens as he immerses himself in this bizarre role-play. 

Namjoon’s dimples make an appearance and his eyes become crescents as he lets out an endearing yet impish smile, taking hold of Seokjin’s free hand. “I’ll borrow him and return him to you, promise!” 

That’s how he finds himself in the kitchen alone with Namjoon, who surprisingly stays quiet as he attempts to make a drink for them both. 

Even without a drink, he feels refreshed, finally able to just be. He thinks about how to continue the joke out of Hoseok and Namjoon's earlier bickering. Thinking about it just makes his heart beat erratically.

After a few moments of watching Namjoon seemingly growing more confused as he opens random shelves, not finding what he needs, Seokjin stands up to help him.

“What do you need mugs for?”

“Tea. You like tea, right?” Namjoon pauses to turn around, looking him in the eyes before scanning his face in a split second. 

Suddenly, the kitchen is too hot. But maybe warm tea is better if Seokjin’s coming down with something. 

“Uh, yeah, but I don’t think they have tea here.” He opens the pantry. Empty. “Sorry, I only bought soda for non-alcohol drinks. But you can boil water if you want.” 

“Oh, do you want some? I’ll make it for you.”

For me?

“W-Why? Why are—Why for me?” 

“Um, just ‘cause… You don’t really drink soda and I think more alcohol would just do more harm than good right now.” Namjoon rubs his nape, sighing as he opens yet another empty drawer. 

He’s really thoughtful. 

He’s a nice guy. 

“Y-Yeah, you’re right.” Seokjin’s suddenly too aware of his movements, his own warm body and how it feels even warmer. Maybe the heater’s turned on too high?

They finally find mugs, only two in exact, one that says ‘World’s Best Boss’ and the other significantly bigger shaped like a koala bear.

Seokjin excuses himself to the bathroom while Namjoon brews the tea, taking off his white sweater and leaving him in his blue blouse. He kinda looks like he just got out of the office, but at least it’s 90% cooler. And no wonder Namjoon was worried, because his face could compete with tomato in a “Which one is redder?” competition. So, Seokjin takes a bit more time splashing his face with water.

“You found tea?” 

“Oh, yeah, it was hidden in some random drawer.” Namjoon shrugs as he sits on the stool, though a bit breathless. He’s busy with opening the seemingly brand new box of teabags, pleasantly surprised it’s filled with a variety of flavours. 

Seokjin coos as he picks the red-tagged teabag labelled ‘Apple Tea’. “Did you see any sugar, too?”

“Oh shit, I forgot—“ Namjoon mumbles more to himself. “I mean, no, I didn’t see any.”

Brown hues start to colour the clear water, Seokjin swirling the tea bag around with his fingers. 

“Hoseok’s a really popular guy.” Namjoon starts with a fond tone. “I mean I know he’s friendly and extroverted, but I was talking to people here and they really seem to genuinely like and know him.”

Seokjin hums in agreement. “I swear he knows every seventh person in Seoul. No—In our entire country. On our road trip we stopped by the rest area and he met his ‘old friend’s’ aunt and in ten minutes they were already best pals!” 

Namjoon laughs heartily. “He’s a really good guy.” Seokjin is sure they both are sporting similar looks as they each fondly reminisce on their friend, the entire reason they’re sitting here together right now. 

“Sometimes I still think how we became super close… I still have no clue, to be completely honest.”

Of course there were times when Seokjin would invite Hoseok to hang out, but the latter would already be busy with his other friends. It’s only natural and expected. But time and time again, Hoseok would always make time for him, already having their next activity planned, showing up in Seokjin’s apartment unannounced with his favourite fried chicken, knowing Seokjin needs a hug or an ear to listen to his worries or triumphs without him telling him explicitly. 

Hoseok just gets him. And deeply cares for him. And Seokjin loves him a lot. 

“Friendships are so precious, aren’t they?” Namjoon runs a hand through his hair, and Seokjin turns his body to face him, finally taking a good look at his subtle new look tonight. 

Well, the last time he saw Namjoon was about a month ago, when their group decided to catch a late-night movie. That’s the only time he saw Namjoon with glasses, thick and black-rimmed. But now his hair is freshly cut and styled, soft strands framing his face, giving him an approachable yet elegant look. Since it’s a Saturday, he sports a casual black hoodie under his expensive-looking leather jacket. A huge contrast to his regular black and white suit setup Seokjin is used to seeing. 

“I don’t know—But seeing friends love and care so deeply for each other is so pure. I’d say more pure than romantic love at times. The one you have with Hoseok is really special, everyone can see it.” 

Seokjin smiles at the thought, though his thoughts stray to curious ones about Namjoon’s personal relationships. He can’t help but try to search in Namjoon’s eyes, though it remains vague to him. 

“He’s done a lot for me. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed when I think back at everything he’s done for me.” His heart warms at all the fond memories flooding into his conscience. “I’m not good—or I wasn’t so good at expressing affection or gratitude, especially when it comes to friends… But I think I’m getting a hang of it?”

“If this you getting a hang of it,” Namjoon motions his hands around the room, “Then I need to be there when you finally think you’re good at expressing your love for Hoseok.”

Then he huffs out a breath. “I mean I don’t really know how you guys interact outside of our hangouts, but even then I see the small gestures you guys do for each other. You may not realise it but it all piles up, hyung.”

It does. 

In fact, Seokjin thinks all the ‘small’ acts of care throughout 

“I can tell that he really loves you.” Namjoon sighs a bit dreamily, eyes looking up a bit unfocused. “He wouldn’t even let me have you for ten minutes.” 

Have you. 

Namjoon having Seokjin. 

That sounds kinda… nice. 

Namjoon’s body remains still as his head turns to face him, a knowing smirk playing on his pink lips. 

It’s distracting and throws him off. He forgets his witty comeback to continue their bickering. 

“Well, it’s his birthday so it’s my job he gets anything he wants.” Seokjin twirls his seat to focus on his tea again. 

You can have me any other day, though. 

What—Where did that come from?!

“You’re too good, hyung.” 

They keep talking for god-knows how long, hearing the sounds from the living room steadily growing. 

“Oh my god, do you know that song?” Seokjin hears someone start to sing or kind of howl out the lyrics to the ballad. It’s a bit muffled and he wonders what kind of material the walls are made of. 

Namjoon squints his eyes to focus on the melody, but shakes his head in confusion. “It sounds familiar…”

Seokjin sways to the slow beat, closing his eyes as he begins to sing. 

Usually, he’s very self-conscious about singing in front of other people unless it were in a karaoke room full of drunk people, but it’s been a while since he heard this tune, and it fits so well with the transition from the cold winter to warm spring. 

When the faceless voice fails miserably to hit the high note, they break into a laugh, bodies pressed as they find stability in the other. Warm and cold hands linger in an embrace, sharing warmth. 

Seokjin gets reminded of when he got to see the singer’s show years back. He was young and came across the pop-up performance whilst hanging out with his middle-school friends. 

“I remember because the singer said the song was about his dear friend.” It feels like the theme of the night, so the memories seem more vivid. “They said something about realising that he’s met his friend in a past life—I think he went to some sort of specialist—But basically he already felt a weirdly strong connection to his friend.”

“Do you think we met each other in another life?” Namjoon wonders out loud, cheek propped up on his hand as he glances at him. 

Namjoon’s questions always make him think a lot. Not just when they’re talking. But hours, days, weeks after a conversation, Seokjin would still ponder about his answers and Namjoon’s hypotheses, always finding new ideas or realising different viewpoints. 

Seokjin thinks Namjoon’s just that type of person, though. He probably indulges in deep conversations with anyone. 

Seokjin isn’t that unique.

At this moment, he doesn’t care to think too much, giving him a curt answer. “Yes!”

Namjoon’s eyebrows raise tremendously as he huffs out an incredulous laugh. “Yah, hyung, at least pretend to think about it!”

He doesn’t listen as words flow out of his lips. 

“Well, maybe I don’t necessarily think about past lives, but I do feel like each encounter with someone no matter what kind of relationship, even just a two-second interaction, feels a bit like it was—for lack of a better term—destined?”

“So you believe in destiny?”

“I believe we have full control of our destiny. But somehow all the people I met in my life, whether they did me good or bad, it seems like they all played their role well.”

Namjoon hums in contemplation. Seokjin asks the question back.

“I do believe in past lives.” Namjoon purses his lips as he clasps his hands in . “I was probably your advisor when you were king.”

Seokjin chortles, glad he hasn’t taken a sip of his now-cold tea. 

Yeah, he probably met Namjoon in a past life. It was probably a good one if he was a part of it. 

They go on about how they would’ve met in different eras, kingdoms, alternate universes before Hoseok drags them both to sing the next song. 

In the back of his mind, Seokjin muses on the possibility of them having a different kind of relationship in a past life… Friends, enemies, colleagues…romantic partners?

He’s quick to shake it off as he gets lost in a night of bad singing and laughs. 

It’s not a huge surprise when Hoseok announced that he would quit his job and go backpacking around the world. He’s dreamt about it ever since they met ten years ago when the guy was slurping cup ramen on his low salary. 

It is a surprise, though, when Seokjin finds himself more and more disheartened as the days count down to his best friend’s departure. As years went on, Hoseok kept saying he’ll do it the next year, which became an inside joke as it was pushed and pushed back. 

Hoseok came by one random afternoon and hugged him jumpily, “I booked my flight!”

Seokjin was the one that kept telling him to go for it, noting that Hoseok’s fears and worries were irrational. Seokjin tried to hide his pout when Hoseok said, “I just followed what you kept saying, hyung. You were right.”

He was successful in showing his support and utter excitement. But as soon as his friend left, the ripples of gloom hit him like a truck. Seokjin made sure to never let down his mask in front of Hoseok. 

It’s only over excited encouragement and nonchalant shrugs at worries now. 

He didn’t plan on staying long at Hoseok’s goodbye dinner, relieved and not surprised when the latter simply nodded in understanding. Though intimate and just included the usual group and several other friends, Seokjin and Hoseok also will have their own last sleepover before he drops him off at the airport the next day. 

Seokjin decides to sit at the end of the table, simply enjoying some light chat with Jungkook and Yoongi as he takes a glance at Hoseok every five minutes, the lump in his throat growing as he hears and witnesses his favourite contagious laugh. 

Namjoon sits right next to Hoseok, dark hair cascading softly against his clear skin, the same black framed glasses sat on his nose as a dimpled smile adorns his face every time he manages to make Hoseok throw his head back in laughter. 

They share a few looks whenever Seokjin seems to get a brief look at his best friend. 

Seokjin would want nothing else but to dissect the meaning and unspoken intentions behind soft, tender smiles and eyes that gleam with something profound yet elusive. But his chest is heavy with sorrow and his mind busy with keeping his appearance happy, so as to not cause any worry or doubt. 

Hoseok switches his seat to the opposite edge so he can get a chance to talk with everyone. It’s like a symbol of him and his upcoming adventure, and Seokjin doesn’t appreciate his brain making this connection at the moment. The muscles of his throat seem to tighten as the weight on his heart magnifies. 

He tries to listen to the funny bickering between Taehyung and Jimin to distract himself but he’s way in too his head, waves of emotions flooding his being. 

The classic toilet excuse is perfect as Hoseok’s back faces him. He can see that his friends are worried that his current expression seems to spoil, yet he’s grateful they let him take his own space. 

“Jin-hyung!” His steps falter at the stairs. “Hyung, are you leaving?”

Leaving.  

Yeah. Hoseok’s leaving. 

Shit. 

Namjoon’s figure right next to him is blurry as he continues down the steps. He barely comprehends the soft careful as warmth settles around his waist, guiding him safely to go outside. 

He’s glad the warmth never leaves when the cool autumn breeze brushes his exposed skin and travels into his thin flannel. 

“I–I was just going to the bathroom, Joon-ah.” 

His voice bares it all. Tears are already falling down, wetting his cheeks, as darkness settles over him.

But it’s warm. And he’s still conscious.

It’s Namjoon. 

Namjoon is hugging him tight, one arm still secured around his waist as the other rubs his nape, resting his head against his chest. 

“It’s okay, hyung, you can cry all you want… to me.”

So Seokjin does. For a good ten minutes. 

His heart breaks for the umpteenth time ever since Hoseok’s announcement. Whenever he feels like crying, he scolds himself because it’s not like he’s moving countries. He’s just travelling… for an indefinite amount of time. Or so he said. 

This time it’s freeing. He doesn’t hold back. He doesn’t think about how he should only feel happiness and excitement for his friend. 

He lets his thoughts roam free. 

Hoseok is leaving. 

He’s leaving me. 

He’s gonna make new friends and be happy and forget me. 

I’m going to miss him so much.

I can’t imagine living without him. 

I feel like I can’t breathe. 

“It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay, hyung.” Namjoon’s repeated affirmations stir honey-warmth inside his chest. 

His eyes, throat, ears and entire face aches as his breath stammers, hiccuping into Namjoon’s jacket. But his heart feels lighter. 

Namjoon lets him catch his breath and regain composure right in his arms. His soothing rubs make him comfortable, his hold tight around him never faltering as Seokjin slumps onto his strong figure. 

It’s exactly what he needed. What he needs. 

Time is not a priority right now, Seokjin simply enjoying the moment as his body comes back to normalcy. The thought about how he should or would feel embarrassed stays hidden for now, one at a time, he muses. 

The only thing that seems to jolt him awake from this dream-like haze is when a roaring sound of laughter echoes from underneath the stairs, multiple footsteps ascending together. 

Seokjin’s first instinct is to pull back and act ‘normal’, but at this point he doesn’t know what that term entails. He hasn’t even begun to comprehend what happened between him and Namjoon, let alone sort out his emotions. 

But Namjoon’s grip around him tightens, pulling him even closer. He feels his feet being dragged, and for a moment he feels as light as a feather. Naturally, his fingers clutch on the back of Namjoon’s jacket, but he remains upright, as a warm hand tilts his jaw up. 

“Just focus on me, hyung, hmm?” 

The approaching sounds, akin to those of a happy group of friends, become muted as Seokjin’s eyes lock with Namjoon’s. 

His breath gets stuck in his throat and the weight inside his chest returns. But this time it’s not so unpleasant. 

It’s a satisfying squeeze in his heart. 

He blinks and blinks, taking in Namjoon’s face from up close. 

There’s a whole raging sea behind darkening pupils. It sends a buzz up Seokjin’s spine.

He gulps, averting his direct eye contact to notice a faint mole next to his right eye. 

Oh, cute. 

How has he not noticed that before? Not the cute part. 

Namjoon’s eyebrows are dark and long, one of Seokjin’s favourite features about him. Hell—Seokjin likes everything he sees a whole lot. Especially this close. 

His eyes dart to another mole on the left side of his face. Two on his cheeks. 

Seokjin tries to complete the constellation, slightly distracted by how handsome all of Namjoon’s features are. 

Anyone can tell the blatant expression of worry in Namjoon’s face. It’s the furrowed eyebrows, the lines hugging his mouth… his lips casted downwards. 

The last mole, right on top of his upper lip. 

Seokjin’s chest tightens. 

“Are you okay, hyung?” Namjoon caresses his tear-stained cheek, and Seokjin can’t help his weakening knees at how softer Namjoon sounds. More than usual. 

This whole situation is—weirder? More forward? Just more than usual. 

“B-Better.” His voice comes out like a croak, heat quickly travelling up his neck in embarrassment. “Thank y-you, Joon-ah.”

He can’t help the flutter in his belly, distracting him completely from the whole reason he bawled his eyes just—Wait how long has it actually been?

He can’t go back in this state. Seokjin doesn’t even want to know how he looks like. It’ll be too obvious. Hoseok will worry. It’ll ruin the entire gathering. 

“I—I think I should go.” Seokjin can see how Namjoon’s face falls just from his peripheral vision. 

He hasn’t really talked to Namjoon tonight. It’s conflicting, because he was also looking forward to talking to the latter tonight. Like they always do. 

Namjoon doesn’t answer. But he doesn’t let Seokjin go. 

Then a gasp is pulled out of Seokjin as an overwhelming warmth surrounds him. 

Namjoon’s hug now is different. He settles his chin against Seokjin’s shoulder, crouching a bit because of his taller frame, arms locking to wrap him tighter, closer. 

If he thought his body had calmed down from his breakdown, it proves him wrong because his heart shoots up again, thudding wildly, and Seokjin can only hope Namjoon doesn’t notice. 

He feels so safe. So supported. So protected. 

“Jin-hyung…” 

Namjoon inhales deeply as he turns his head to brush his mouth against Seokjin’s ear. 

“Text me when you’re home.” 

In a split second, Namjoon pulls away, looking at him directly. 

Seokjin’s about to take his words back as he notices the sad gleam painted on the younger’s eyes. 

“You know you can call me, right?” Namjoon’s voice is breathless. It crushes his heart.

He feels guilty because he’s not one to contact Namjoon a lot. In his mind, he’s always labelled him as Hoseok’s friend. But in retrospect, Namjoon has always shown interest in Seokjin as a person, texting him more and even suggesting a one-on-one hangout that they’ve yet to revisit. 

Namjoon’s always been Seokjin’s friend. Ever since their last talk, though, he has felt a shift in their dynamic. 

But now’s not the time. 

It doesn’t feel right. 

And maybe Seokjin falls a bit harder at that moment when he realises that Namjoon understands. He understands and gives him the space and time he needs. He understands and offers him support. 

He understands when one month after Hoseok leaves, Seokjin decides to quit his job and move back to the countryside. 

There’s a palpable tension in the air even if they’re just calling. 

Namjoon says he’s currently in LA for a project when Seokjin rings him up, first worried about the time difference. But the worry evident in Namjoon’s tone saves him the thought as he asks when they could meet in the next following weeks. 

“W-What, why? Are you going backpacking, too?” The tone is light, but Seokjin’s ears tinge pink at the unease that laces in Namjoon’s timbre. 

“I’m going back home. You know, rethink my whole life.” He hopes his genuine laugh can be soothing, at least. 

“Oh. Okay, good. That’s good, hyung.” Seokjin can hear a million thoughts racing Namjoon’s mind, so he quickly changes the topic, asking Namjoon about his current project. 

Namjoon has always been a cool guy in his eyes. He doesn’t even have a specific role, just ‘creative director’. 

When he hears someone calling Namjoon’s name in the background, Seokjin’s heart hammers in his chest when Namjoon seems unfazed and keeps the conversation going. 

He’s doing well. That’s nice. 

We’re in two different worlds…

“It’s fine, really. Just a dinner, I’m not working anymore.” Namjoon reassures him for the fifth time as their call stretches for twenty minutes.

This time it’s Seokjin’s elderly neighbour asking him for help with their TV and Namjoon lets him go (reluctantly). 

“Hyung, I’ll visit y-you.” 

“Really?”

“Yes, I want to,” Namjoon sighs with clear exasperation. “I don’t know when this project will wrap up, but I will.”

“S–Sounds good.”

The neighbour’s daughter, a lovely middle-aged woman who he’s become good friends with greets him with an excited Seokjinie! as Seokjin wraps up the call while locking his door.  

“Hyung—Jin-hyung!” Namjoon’s frenzied exclamation halts his fingers about to press ‘end’.

“Y-Yes?”

“Ah–Um, nothing. Just take care…” 

The line ends abruptly, leaving Seokjin a bit confused before his neighbour ushers him inside their cosy unit. 

Texts from Namjoon dwindle and something feels off. Seokjin sometimes spirals and thinks the worst of it but he knows it’s just work. 

It’s almost been three months since they called. 

He keeps saying in his head: 

Namjoon’s a busy guy. 

A busy, important guy. 

Nothing as exciting is happening in my life anyway.

Well, he did go home for two weeks before he decided to go on a fishing trip with random strangers. Then his uncle offered him a job at his strawberry farm, which is just on the outskirts of Seoul. Some weekends he would make the trip to the city to crash at Yoongi’s couch and hang out with the others. 

He’s quite content in the new town, still developed enough to have some good PC cafes and trendy restaurants while also being surrounded by nature, where he joined a weekly hiking club. 

And in two weeks, the guys are coming to visit him at the farm, something he’s already laughing about as he imagines the chaos.

That’s why he’s still in his stained pyjama set on a random Wednesday afternoon—luckily his day off because it’s getting too hot—slurping on the melting watermelon ice cream on the porch of the traditional gazebo when his cousin calls him to meet his visitor.

He is expecting a package but not a visitor. Maybe he heard wrong. 

But there he stands. 

His signature black framed glasses and soft, dark hair shining in the stark summer sunlight. 

Namjoon visibly freezes when they lock eyes. 

No words come out from either, simply taking in the presence of the other after so long without knowledge of each other’s lives. 

There’s a million questions popping up but he can’t seem to decide which to ask first. 

“Are you here for strawberry picking, Sir?” His other cousin comes to the scene, a happy spring in his steps as he greets Namjoon.

Namjoon stirs from his daze, squinting in confusion before letting out a hesitant yes?

Seokjin finds himself in today’s second weirdest situation after jumping in the shower and making himself look presentable in record time. 

Namjoon speaks first, as if he’s had time to think while Seokjin was frantically running around his uncle’s house. 

“I signed up for a residency here, it’s the white house down the road.” Namjoon hasn’t looked him directly in the eye as he focuses on picking the strawberries. It’s new information but Seokjin has no choice but to bite down his curiosity about why Namjoon is here. So he asks nonchalantly about the movie. 

“In my story, I did include a character’s life as a farmer, too.”

“But were they a handsome farmer?”

“Nothing compared to you.” 

Two can play. 

“So I wasn’t your inspiration, then?” Seokjin keeps prodding. Eyes jumping from Namjoon’s to the leaves in front of him. This is the least efficient he’s ever worked at the farm. Good thing his uncle is on a business trip right now.  

Namjoon pauses before he keeps talking about his script so far, dodging the question suavely. 

“Wait—I thought you worked with artists—I mean like magazines…” Seokjin waves his hands around, hoping Namjoon gets him.

“I did—I do, still. But this project… It’s my own thing.” Namjoon reveals with a shy smile. “So, I guess you did inspire me.”

Seokjin smiles to himself. A cycle of inspiration. 

Hoseok. Then him. Then Namjoon. 

“I’m happy for you!” Seokjin grins, forgetting how he wanted to forget about Namjoon’s existence the last couple of months. 

The wind gushes against the leaves. Nothing but quiet breaths and restrained hearts, itching to break free. 

“I was always curious about you.” Namjoon starts after a few silent moments. “I wanted to get to know you more… But I didn’t—I don’t know how to.”

They’ve talked in prolonged periods about a lot of different topics. But Seokjin can’t deny that they’ve barely scratched the surface. He knows he’s to blame. 

“I–I’m sorry, I know I’m not the easiest person to get close to.”

“No—That’s not what I mean.” An exasperated sigh, but he knows it’s not directed at him. “I—I’m not blaming you, hyung.” 

They pick the small red fruits silently, shoulders still tense as uncertainty hangs in the air. One of his cousins invite them to an afternoon snack, pajeon and some fresh strawberry juice. However, they leave them alone, whispering to each other as they give Seokjin discreet, curious looks. 

Seokjin places the crispiest piece of pajeon onto Namjoon’s plate and pours them both the juice, starting to eat first as Namjoon stares down at his chopsticks. He hums a random tune as he tries to enjoy the food despite his wandering thoughts. 

“You.. You haven’t changed.” 

“What’s to change when I’m already perfe–”

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you.” Namjoon looks up, eyes wide. A bit of surprise yet determined. 

“Seokjin… Wh-What do you think of me?” Namjoon bites his lip, drawing Seokjin’s attention to it. There’s uncertainty in his wavering voice though his eyes never falter where they look at him.

“W-What do you mean?”

He knows Namjoon is serious, but never too serious to not laugh at his jokes.

“Have you… thought about me too?” Namjoon continues. “I keep thinking of you, your words, our talks. I missed it so much.”

“I- I did.” Seokjin puts down his plate and chopsticks. Rubbing his hands to soothe himself. 

“Really?”

“I—I missed you.” His voice comes out small, scared. 

Namjoon suddenly crawls from where he sits to plop right next to him, grabbing his hand. 

“Hyung… You—I—” He throws his head back in annoyance at his lack of coherent words. “D–Do you like me?”

Seokjin keeps his gaze on the food in front of him, slowly nodding his head. He can feel his pulse in his left hand tucked perfectly inside of Namjoon’s. Is that normal?

“So… I don’t need to worry about that woman who called you ‘Seokjinnie’?”

Huh? Who—

Seokjin almost gets whiplash from how fast he spins his head. “Y-You thought—”

“I’m sorry.” Namjoon’s lips quirk up just that bit that still somehow shows his dimples, causing Seokjin to get distracted. 

How can he get more handsome in three months?

Namjoon continues, playing with Seokjin’s bony fingers. “I mean—we never talked about our personal relationships. But look at you, hyung—You always get hit on every time we go. Can you blame me for thinking you’re already taken?” 

Seokjin shuffles in his spot to better face the younger, boldly cupping his cheeks as he grins fondly. 

“Oh, you’re cuter than I expected, Joon-ah.” 

Namjoon closes his eyes with the goofiest, most beautiful smile Seokjin has ever witnessed in his life as he rubs his scalp with one hand. 

“I really like you, Seokjin.” He squishes Namjoon’s soft cheeks at the same time, causing his words to sound funny and incoherent. 

“Leave it to you to make a romantic moment even more—”

“Even more what?” Seokjin feigns a threatening expression, lifting one eyebrow. 

“Even more special.” 

His eyebrow stays raised, still challenging him as Namjoon chuckles and leans in closer.

“Let’s get to know each other more, hyung.”

Namjoon leaves a sweet, chaste kiss on his cheek—way too quick to indulge in—and Seokjin’s grateful he can’t see himself because he’s probably looking like the strawberries in the garden now. 

They talk endlessly, ready-to-harvest strawberries and curious cousins forgotten as timid questions and shy touches grow into their signature bickering and hands that can’t seem to leave warm skin. 

Seokjin thinks he’s good at controlling his facial expressions, but he’s starting to think being around Namjoon is proving otherwise, now that they’ve broken down the invisible walls between them.

All his attempts to bite down his grins and smiles have been futile as the charming man flirts shamelessly with him. He’s having so much fun even though he’s burning up as a result of the warm summer wind and all the cells in his body anticipating each of the witty remarks coming out of strawberry-tainted lips. 

“I’ve always thought that you would be good at anything, anywhere.” Namjoon’s face sports a small smile despite his eyes downcasted at their intertwined fingers. “I also knew you were unpredictable and impulsive—So my mind was making up a bunch of these ridiculous scenarios of what you’d do…”

“And what did you think I was about to do?” Seokjin traces a hand up Namjoon’s arm, loving how goosebumps break out in an instant. “Oh—You thought I was going to elope with that woman you heard on the phone!”

Namjoon’s face flattens out comically, squinting at Seokjin in feigned annoyance. His then-elusive relationship with his neighbour becomes his favourite inside joke, laughing loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear as he brings it up for the fourth time. 

“Fuck off, hyung.” Namjoon playfully grabs Seokjin’s chin, his words devoid of any real threat as he can’t help but laugh along his beloved’s infectious happiness. 

“You’re up for a challenge if you want to get rid of me,” Seokjin smirks, on a roll with his teasing. 

“Good thing that’s not part of my plan.” Seokjin has reached high peaks of joy today, but somehow Namjoon is still able to take him higher and higher. 

Just like now when Namjoon tilts his jaw to kiss him, the second time, on his cheek again, though just that bit closer to where he really wants soft lips to touch him. 

The laughs die down as the atmosphere grows a bit heavy. 

“After our call…I—” Namjoon’s voice wavers and this time Seokjin’s the one to cradle his face to urge him to go on. “I almost booked a flight that same night to come back—t-to see you, h-hyung.”

Oh. 

“And—I know I didn’t text you a lot. I was torn… about whether you wanted me to, whether you’d want to forget for a while…”

A lump forms in Seokjin’s throat at the beautiful yet glum glisten in Namjoon’s eyes. 

“Even during Hoseok’s farewell dinner—when we—I didn’t—I really didn’t want to let you go.”

Seokjin bumps their foreheads together softly, eyes closing in overwhelm. 

God, Namjoon. 

“But I asked Jungkook and the others about you…” Namjoon’s dimples reappear as his cheeks puff in a shy smile. “Maybe a bit too often.”

All this time, while Seokjin’s mind never got rid of the thought of Namjoon for a single day, the fact that it was the same for the younger makes Seokjin’s heart flutter wildly, a mix of giddiness and regret swirling in his gut. 

All this time…

He’s always… thought of me, too. 

“Thank you, Joon-ah.” 

For understanding me. For giving me space. 

Seokjin’s voice is still small, yet with the way Namjoon pulls him closer, it’s just enough. “You’ve always got my back—I–I’ve always felt it… Thank you.”

Namjoon hums as he nuzzles into Seokjin, bumping their noses, their lips a breath away. “Hyung…”

“I’m sorry,” Seokjin says, determined to settle all the blurriness of the past few months. “I’m sorry, Namjoon-ah… I wasn’t being direct and I gave you mixed signals. You’re too good to me, you know?”

Seokjin lets out a shaky exhale when Namjoon firmly shakes his head with hurried no, no, no s. 

“Somehow you always understood what I needed. Even without me saying anything.” Seokjin caresses Namjoon’s cheeks, looking directly into his eyes. “I did need space and you gave me that… You give and give, and I’m sorry I never—I didn’t give you anything.”

Namjoon’s nose brushes Seokjin’s cheek as if saying you didn’t need to and Seokjin releases all of his doubt and pecks Namjoon’s cheek for a blissful second.

His eyes remain closed, yet he’s aware of the way Namjoon’s breath hitches and his hold around him tightens.  

“I’m gonna do better, Namjoon-ah.” Seokjin pulls back so he can say it again into Namjoon’s eyes, unable to control the fire spreading up his face. He’s sure his ears have already gone into flames before he can realise what his declaration means.“I got you, like you got me.” 

“Have me—” Namjoon mumbles hurriedly before crashing their lips together in an eager kiss. It stays short, so many words tumbling between heavy pants. 

“Hyung—Seokjin, you’re perfect,” Namjoon’s breathless but it doesn’t deter him. “You’re so perfect for me.”

“Joon-ah…” 

And if his cousins and neighbours see them both in the softest, tightest hug Seokjin has ever experienced, that lasts until the afternoon heat is replaced by gentle cool winds of the evening—though warm touches never falter throughout the shared night they have—none of them give it any particular thought. 

They’re too lost in each other’s eyes for that. 

Naturally, ‘because it was Seokjin-inspired’ Namjoon takes him to the screening of his movie.

As his date.

Because they’re boyfriends now. 

They’re long-time boyfriends, to be precise. Almost four years according to Seokjin’s calendar app. 

Oh yeah, and because Seokjin is the lead actor of said film.

As they began their budding relationship in the small strawberry town, Seokjin would act out the unfinished scenes, and Namjoon would just look at him with the widest eyes before he wrote like a madman into the notepad. 

Seokjin also came to realise his natural talent for the discipline, taking the role of rural farmer to a T as though he had enough experience (well three months is enough!). 

As the film came to an end, colleagues, friends, and nameless film-enthusiasts clapping at their work, Hoseok pulls them both to get their attention.

“Why did you give it a sad ending?! Isn't it based on your story?”

“It’s not us, Hoba.” Namjoon grabs Hoseok’s shoulders as the latter continues to cry at the memory of the vague ending. 

“Still though, I don't like sad endings…” 

“Hobah,” Seokjin sidehugs him as his heart grows fond over his best friend. The whole reason he met Namjoon. 

Ah, maybe that’s why he’s so affected. 

“See it as me and Namjoon in a different alternate universe! What matters is what’s happening here and now right? And here and now, we’re all happy together, hmm?”

Namjoon pecks a quick and discreet kiss on his cheek, grinning endearingly as if he loves his comment that much as to not being able to have the words for it. 

Hoseok chuckles wetly while nodding, letting Jungkook wipe away his cheeks. 

“Hobah, you’re also the whole reason these two got together,” Yoongi adds as he stands next to them. 

“Yeah, Hoseok-ah. Like Jin-hyung said, you were the one that inspired us to follow our hearts—whatever it takes. That’s the message I wanted to convey through the movie,” Namjoon reveals. 

Namjoon has to pull Hoseok into a hug as the latter crumbles again, though the group of friends simply chuckle and join in the group hug, a round of i love you guys resounding in scattered mumbles as they all get emotional. 

Throughout the night as a bunch of people tear Namjoon and Seokjin away from each other to ask them inquisitive questions about their inspirations and subtly prodding into the nature of their relationship it is conspicuously based on, the two still manage to find their way back to familiar warmth and dotting expressions only reserved for the other. 

“I love you, Joon-ah.” Seokjin mumbles into Namjoon’s ear as he hugs him from the back, hiding away in the far, hidden corner of the big room. 

Namjoon turns around, hands never leaving Seokjin’s as he kisses him with a toothy grin, not minding their teeth clanking softly against the other’s. 

“I love you more.” Namjoon pulls away to stare deep into his eyes. 

His warm, tender gaze is nothing short of absolute adoration yet with the dream-like yearning Seokjin senses. Just like it always has been. 

Namjoon kisses him deep and lovingly again, taking his time before he whispers with their lips still brushing, “I love you, Seokjin.”