Work Text:
What was and what could have been
The sun was beginning to settle when Yeonoh finished his schedule. He looked towards the beach as the crew cleared the set. He was exhausted but didn’t feel like going back to his hotel room right away. If he did, he knew he would think of him.
He always did whenever he was near the sea.
Memories of a moonlit stroll on the beach kept coming back to him like waves on the shore, stronger each time. He had been happy then. Even if it had been short, it had left a lasting impact on him. Every time he saw the wave’s push and pull, he was reminded of his blue eyes. The ones that would be kind and bright, but at other times, could be dark and cold. It had been nerve wracking not knowing which one he would be met with. But never, had they left him unmoved.
It had been months, maybe years, since they had said their last goodbye. It had been cold, and they were at the other side of the world. Sometimes, he found himself entertaining the idea of what would have happened if he had accepted Jaehyuk’s confession. Would they still be going strong? Or would they have repeated the same mistakes and broken up by now?
He sighed. None of it mattered anymore. It was too late and he was the only one still pining for him. The other man had moved on long ago. Yeonoh hated it, but he had been on the lookout for any news pertaining to the vice-president since then. After all, you can’t get over your first love, easily. And that’s what he had been to him.
He said goodbye to the staff and notified his manager he was going to take a walk before going back to his room. He crossed the street and took the stairs leading to the beach. The sand felt warm against his feet, after he took his shoes off. He walked towards the sea, his feet sinking deeper in the sand with each step. He crossed paths with couples, groups of friends, families and people walking their dogs. He smiled as he watched them walk past him, his heart feeling full. It was crazy how simple little things like spending time with loved ones were what made life worth living.
He reached the edge of the beach and stood still for a while, looking out to the sea. The waves were getting closer and closer, until they reached his ankles.
The water wasn’t cold, it was warm and inviting. However, going in meant taking the risk of catching a cold and if he got sick, it would screw up the shooting schedules for everyone, not just him.
What a pity. Because all his being was longing to feel the water’s embrace.
He took a deep breath in, and could pinpoint a hint of cedar in the breeze. It was surprising, considering there were no trees around. Could it be that he was the one imagining it? It had smelled that way too, the night they had taken a walk on the beach together.
Maybe that was just his brain trying to fool him, giving him an oasis to revel in one last time, in the desert that their relationship had become. No matter what it was, he didn’t mind it.
He continued his stroll, feet submerged in the seawater, the pleasant cedar smell floating around him. How pleasant.
He glanced at the stars above him, getting lost in the constellations. After a while, it started looking like they were following him. Dizzy from looking up, he lowered his head and looked around. It was dark now, making it nearly impossible to tell where the sea stopped and the sky began.
Aside from him, the beach was virtually empty now. He could only make out two silhouettes way in front of him, the taller shadow carrying the smaller one on his back. And it looked oddly familiar to Yeonoh.
Before he could tell what exactly it was. A wave hit him, reaching up to his thighs. He looked down, in surprise. When had he moved so deeply in? He stood in stupor, letting the water reach his hips. It was so warm, and the more it engulfed him, the stronger the cedar scent.
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in. His body felt light as a feather as the current took him off his feet. The motion of the waves was soothing and the tide sounded like a lullaby. Whether he was in the ocean or the sky, he couldn’t tell. But none of it mattered. There was no better place for him to be.
Yeonoh’s eyes fluttered open. Where am I? He wondered, mind fuzzy. He blinked, waiting for his eyes to get used to the darkness. His dazed mind could only process the overwhelming feeling of heat.
He tried to raise his hands to rub his eyes, but something heavy was wrapped around him, preventing him from moving. He stirred, looking to the side to see what it was.
“Jaehyuk…” He said, dazed.
He sat up, confused. How was he here? He had just been…
“Aah!” He rested his face in his hands. “It’s that dream again.” He sighed.
He glanced at the man that was sleeping soundly next to him and it started slowly coming back to him. He was in his bedroom, in the home he shared with his boyfriend of two years.
That explains the warmth and the scent. He thought, as he stroked Jaehyuk’s face tenderly, pushing a strand of hair away from his forehead .
He had been having that dream a lot lately, it wasn’t a bad dream per say, but it left him feeling uneasy each time. There was something about the idea of them never finding their way back to each other, that he found quite unsettling.
Maybe that dream signified there were still some lingering fears he hadn’t addressed. And he had a hunch, what it was about: the more their bond deepened, the more he was scared of losing the man he loved.
Jaehyuk stirred next to him, his hand reaching blindly for him in the dark. Yeonoh leaned closer to him and intertwined their fingers.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“You didn’t.” Jaehyuk said, voice groggy. “Are you ok?”
“Mmmh, I had a weird dream again.” He muttered.
“Same as last time,?” Jaehyuk asked, sleepy blue eyes focused on him.
“Yeah… But it’s not that bad, it’s not scary or anything.”
“Come over here.” Jaehyuk opened his arms and Yeonoh snuggled against him.
“Can you stroke my back?” He asked in a small voice. Even if he knew his boyfriend didn’t mind, he still felt a little silly asking for affection.
“Of course.” Jaehyuk chuckled. “Anything for you.”
Yeonoh smiled against the chest, he never got tired of hearing him say that.
“Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”
“Well… Things are going really well, lately.” Yeonoh started.
“I agree.”
“The issue is that I tend to get anxious when it’s the case because the best moment for things to go wrong is when things are going well.”
“Ok, so what are you afraid will go wrong?”
Yeonoh pondered. Admitting it to himself was one thing, but to someone else, that was a whole other level of difficulty.
“I’m scared of losing you.” He said as softly as he could, somehow hoping Jaehyuk wouldn’t hear. “I felt so lonely during those six months we were apart and I don’t want to ever feel like that again. And I love you so much more now, that if we were to be separated again, I’m not sure I could cope with it.”
Jaehyuk held him tighter and rested his face against the top of his head, planting a soft kiss in his hair. “I share that fear, you know.” He told him. “I really thought I had lost you for good then and I don’t want to, ever, risk losing you again.”
Yeonoh held his breath as he listened to the words, they were like balm to his restless heart. He wasn’t the only one with fears, the relationship meant just as much to Jaehyuk as it did to him.
“I mean, I can’t imagine my life without you in it, anymore. ” Jaehyuk continued softly, his deep voice appeasing him further. “Everything in my life has meaning only if you are by my side to share it with me.”
Yeonoh buried his face deeper in the chest, trying to hide his watering eyes. But these were tears of happiness.
“I feel the same way.” He muttered, short of breath.
“So let’s do our best to make things work and construct the shared future that we want.” Jaehyuk said, and Yeonoh could hear the smile in his voice.
“Moving in together was a good step in that direction.” He said, holding him tighter.
“It’s good but it’s not enough.” Jaehyuk insisted, and Yeonoh chuckled knowing where this was going. “In a couple of years, once it poses no threat to your career anymore, we’ll go abroad and get married.”
“Which country?” He asked. Allowing himself to partake in the fantasy. Who knows? It might actually come true.
“Somewhere in Europe, maybe?” Jaehyuk suggested as he started playing with his ear. “That way we can override the old memories with better ones. What do you think?”
“I’d love that.” He smiled, closing his eyes. It felt great being in Jaehyuk’s arms, it was warm and safe there, and the sweet cedar scent filled his nose, soothing him. He melted into the embrace, until it felt like they were one body, sharing one breath and one heartbeat.
“Are you sleeping?” Jaehyuk asked in a whisper, after a while.
“Almost...” He mumbled under his breath.
“I’ll be there when you wake up.” Jaehyuk told him softly as his hand traced circles on his back.
He hummed, his consciousness fading as he fell asleep in the arms of the man he loved. He was where he belonged. He was home.