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“This is the worst Christmas ever!” Enid declared. “I ruined the turkey, Wednesday’s pet lion got out of his cage and dug through the trash, Ajax stoned himself when we first got here, and Xavier just vaporized the tree with his cigar. Can this night get any worse?”
“It probably will now that you’ve said something,” Wednesday said. But she had to agree; this night had been a total bust. It was their first Christmas celebrating with just the four of them. Xavier convinced Wednesday to let him host on Christmas Eve at their house and so far nothing went as planned. If something could go wrong, it did.
“Let’s just call it a night before things get worse,” Xavier said sounding defeated.
Wednesday loved the sound of defeat, but not when it came from Xavier. “No. Everyone is staying right here,” she said. She grabbed her coat off the hook. “I’ll go get us a new tree.”
“Wednesday!” Xavier called after her, but she was already outside heading towards their garage. She grabbed the chainsaw and headed for the forest area behind their house.
Twenty minutes later she came back with a tree. Xavier and Ajax had to help her squeeze it through the door and hold one end while she stabilized the other, but soon enough they had a new Christmas tree.
“There,” Wednesday said, taking a step back to admire her work.
Enid saw something moving in the back. She took a step closer to inspect. “Did you guys see that too?”
“See what?”
“Something moved!”
“I heard a squeak,” Ajax said.
All four of them stood closer to the tree and listened quietly. All of a sudden, a squirrel leapt out from the branches and jumped between Xavier and Ajax. Enid and Ajax screamed, Xavier cursed, and Wednesday stood still with her head cocked curiously to the side. Xavier grabbed Wednesday and ran with Enid and Ajax into the dining room.
“Oh my God what are we going to do?” Enid shrieked.
“Maybe Wednesday will eat it,” Ajax said.
She gave him a bored look. “Squirrels are too high in cholesterol,” she said. “Xavier, do you know where I put my hammer?”
“What do you need a hammer for?” Enid asked.
“Use your imagination.”
Enid whimpered. She clung to Ajax to keep her wobbly legs steady.
“We’re not going to kill it,” Xavier said, taking charge of the room. “We’ll just corner it, catch it, and take it outside.”
Wednesday rolled her eyes. “You people are weak. Wait here.” She shouldered Xavier out of her way and stomped into the living room.
Xavier, Ajax, and Enid stood there with their backs pressed against the dining room wall, holding their breaths. Five seconds passed before they heard a crash in the living room followed by the sound of a struggle. The house shook as the chaos unfolded.
“Should we go help her?” Enid asked.
“No need,” Wednesday said as she suddenly appeared holding the squirrel upside down by the tail. “I got it. Open the door.”
Xavier quickly ran into the foyer and opened the front door. Wednesday tossed the squirrel outside. It scurried away as fast as its little legs could carry, never once looking back. Xavier could have sworn he saw fear in the little guy’s eyes, which is unsurprising since he would be too if Wednesday Addams got ahold of him by his tail if he had one.
“Now what?” Xavier asked as he slammed the door and joined the others in the living room.
“Well, I was going to wait until after Christmas to show everybody,” Ajax said, pulling nervously on the collar of his sweater, “but seeing as how tonight sucks, I think maybe this will cheer us up.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope.
“Oh babe! Is this your Christmas bonus?” Enid asked, bursting with excitement.
“It sure is,” he said with a smile.
Enid hit a note of excitement only dogs and Wednesday could hear. Wednesday grimaced and pressed one of her ears against Xavier’s chest.
Xavier wrapped his arms around Wednesday. “Well? What are you waiting for? Open it,” he said.
Ajax tore open the seal of the envelope and reached in, barely managing to contain his excitement. He flipped open the folded piece of paper and let his eyes race across the paper. Just as Enid was about to ask what it said, Ajax’s shoulders slumped.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
He crumpled the paper in his fist. “That cheap asshole gave me a one-year membership to the gym,” he said. He looked back at the gift card. “And it’s already expired!”
“Oh no,” Enid said.
He angrily ripped the paper to shreds and tossed the pieces in the air. Enid reached for him, but Wednesday held her back. “Leave him be,” she said.
Waves of fury rolled off of him and his face turned red. “After all the hard work I put into that stupid company all year,” he said. “If my boss were here right now, I’d tell him what a no good, heartless, dickless, thoughtless, piece of shit, son of a bitch I think he is! Where’s the Tylenol?!” He stomped off into the kitchen and poured himself some eggnog.
“All right, that’s it. Christmas is over,” Xavier said. “Let’s end this before things get even more worse than they already have."
“Get worse?” Ajax said as he walked back into the living room. “How can things get worse? We’re already riding on a one-horse open sleigh to hell!”
Enid took the eggnog away from him. “I think you’ve had enough.”
Wednesday watched Xavier sink down into his favorite chair and cover his eyes with his hand. He looked defeated and miserable. While she could care less about the holidays, she knew Christmas meant something to him. He had been looking forward to hosting the perfect Christmas, and now it was all ruined by the most unfortunate series of circumstances. She looked to Enid for help thinking that Enid – the most hopeful person in the world – would have an idea on how to salvage the night. But Enid looked just as defeated as Xavier.
Wednesday sighed. She was the only person who wasn’t ready to admit defeat, but she was the last person who could save Christmas. She didn’t know the first thing about Christmas; she always relied on Enid and Xavier to tell her where she had to be and when to show up. They took care of the rest. Maybe it was time to call it a night. One more look at the collective defeated radiating off of the three most important people in the world to her, and she knew she couldn’t let that happen.
“Everyone is staying right here,” she said. “Christmas is not over.”
Xavier removed his hand. His eyes had a glassy sheen. “Wens – "
“No. You looked forward to this night all month, and we are going to somehow salvage the rest of the holiday,” she said firmly. “I’ll go out and get us some food. Food fixes everything.”
“Wednesday, please,” Xavier begged. “Let’s just all go to bed and try again tomorrow.”
But she wasn’t listening. She was already halfway out the door.
***
She drove Xavier’s car into town and ordered takeout from the only open restaurant – Yee’s Oriental. It wasn’t Christmas turkey, but it would do in a pinch. She sat down at an empty table and waited for her food.
“Do you mind if I keep you company?”
Wednesday looked up at the strange heavyset main wearing a red coat and matching hat. He looked both older than dirt and young and spry for a man of his age. She thought about scaring him off, but then decided that if she was already at hell’s threshold, she might as well go all in.
“Fine,” she said, “but I don’t do small talk.”
“That’s fine,” the man said, taking a seat. “My name is Kris.”
“Wednesday.”
They sat there in silence for a few moments.
“Christmas isn’t about gifts and decorations and turkey, you know,” Kris said.
“What did I say about small talk?”
Kris shrugged. “You looked like that’s something you needed to hear. Nobody comes into a Chinese restaurant, alone, on Christmas Eve looking the way you do if they aren’t in the middle of having a terrible Christmas.”
“Are you one of those people that religiously watch Christmas movies?” Wednesday asked. “Because you sound like my friend Enid. She starts watching those awful movies in July.”
Kris laughed a peculiar laugh. To Wednesday it sounded more like “ho-ho-ho” rather than a normal laugh. But who was she to judge? She had a lion as a pet and Frankenstein’s monster as a butler.
“Christmas isn’t as difficult as Hollywood makes it seem,” Kris said. “Christmas is about togetherness and family. It’s about showing the people you love that you care about them.”
“What about when your turkey implodes, your old tree burns down, and a squirrel jumps out of your new tree?” she asked. “And that’s just the spark notes.”
“Well.” Kris scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Were you together when all that happened?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love each other?”
“I plead the fifth.”
Kris’s blue eyes shined as he smiled at her. “Then that’s all that matters. Sure, things might not have gone according to plan, but you were still together. Life is hard, and the holidays are no different. When things don’t go according to plan, it’s important to remember where the Christmas spirit really comes from.”
“Where does it come from?” she asked.
“From the heart.” He pointed at his chest. Wednesday wanted to throw up. If she had eaten at all that night, she would have thrown up all over the man’s ridiculous suit. “So if you want to save Christmas, you need to remind your friends why you’re gathered together tonight.”
“Wednesday Addams!” the employee at the front counter called.
She got up from her seat. “I don’t know whether to say thank you for helping to pass the time,” she said, “or tell you to seek psychiatric help. All this love and Christmas spirit cannot be good for your psyche.”
Kris didn’t look like her insult had bothered him as he stood up with her. “On your way back home, think about what I told you. The only way to truly save Christmas is to remember why you’re celebrating.”
He gave her one last smile, tipped his hat, and walked out the door.
Wednesday pinched the bridge of her nose. “I knew we should have spent the holidays at my parents’ house,” she said.
She grabbed her order off the counter and headed out to her car. On the drive home, she thought about what the old man had said to her. Maybe it was the rabies settling in from the squirrel bite, but she began to think that maybe that crazy old man was on to something.
***
When she returned with the food, everyone looked slightly less depressed than they were before she left. “Glad to see the house is still standing,” she said.
“Are you sure you don’t want to call it a night?” Xavier asked. “It’s not too late. We can choke this down real quick and head to bed.”
“This night may not have gone as planned, but that does not mean we should throw in the towel,” she said. She took a deep breath, not entirely believing what she was about to say. “Tonight was terrible, but we can still turn it around. We tolerate each other, and that’s ultimately what this atrocious holiday is all about.”
Enid’s eyes got watery. She sniffled and smiled through her tears. “Wednesday is right. Christmas sucked so far, but we’re all here. We’re all healthy and happy, aside from you Wednesday.” Wednesday shrugged. “So let’s stop thinking about what went wrong and start thinking about how grateful we are to be spending the holiday together.”
The boys perked up in their seats and eagerly nodded their heads. Wednesday blew out a relieved breath, thankful that Enid took over and regurgitated the holiday jargon the Wednesday was dreading having to say.
Instantly the mood shifted. Everyone agreed to put the night’s earlier failures behind them and focus on what really mattered, spending the holiday together. They spent the rest of the night laughing and joking, and Wednesday told them a ghost story that chilled their bones and curdled their blood. When it came time to end the night, their earlier misery was long forgotten. All that was left was love and joy and all the things that made Wednesday sick.
As Xavier and Wednesday waved goodbye to Enid and Ajax from their front porch, snow began to fall. In the distance, the jingling of bells could be heard along with a faint ho-ho-ho.
“Well, you did it,” Xavier said. “You saved Christmas.”
“I didn’t do anything special. All I did was buy Chinese food.”
“Yeah, but you reminded us about what is really important. You helped us turn the night around and get back into the holiday spirit. That’s what really counts in the end.”
This time when the nausea rolled around, she had something in her stomach. She swallowed the bile rising in her throat and did her best not to say anything to biting and mean to compensate for all the sweetness in the air.
“Is Christmas over yet?” she groused. “I can’t handle any more of this Christmas cheer.”
Xavier wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on top of her head. “Yes, Christmas is finally over. Tomorrow you can go back to shoving needles in your eyes,” he said.
“Thank Lucifer.” She nuzzled her head against his chest like a cat.
Xavier smiled. “Thank you for powering through and keeping us all together tonight. I know you did it for me and Enid.”
“Don’t make me do it again,” she said. “I will gladly give you a kidney and sacrifice my life for you, but please do not ever make me do this again. Tonight was like one long, awful Christmas movie.”
“Oh we are never hosting another holiday again," he said, laughing. "You know how a majority of Christmas movies end?”
Wednesday was afraid of the answer. “Hopefully with suicide.”
He shook his head and grinned. “Stop being grouchy and kiss me,” he said.
That Wednesday could do. With pleasure.