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Isobel was seated on her bed, legs crossed, flipping through an old magazine she’d stowed in her closet and trying her damnedest to feel even a little bit normal again. That was hard to do, though, when she could see the veins bulging underneath her pale skin but could not feel the beat of her heart pushing blood through them. It’d been an entire month, and still she and Reid had made no progress with a spell to return the life to her. She had not returned to school, refused to look people in the eyes after everything, did not want them to have to sit next to an animated corpse while they were trying to focus on their math test. Her classes were online, and though she thought it might be a relief to escape the torment from her classmates, she had never felt lonelier in her life.
If only she hadn’t been born a Macaslan. Then she might be at a party right now with friends. There would be breath in her lungs and a blush to her cheeks. She wouldn’t have to turn away from her reflection in the mirror, disgusted by the person staring back at her.
As she was marveling at the old fashion trends from her early teen years, she was interrupted by the buzzing of her phone sitting next to her. It startled her; she barely ever heard it anymore. She’d had to block most people’s numbers to try to escape their harassment.
It was her mother, which was odd because she was downstairs working. She could just walk up the stairs if it was actually urgent. Still, she answered. Just in case. If someone had shown up to bother her, like a reporter or an old classmate or some random neighbor with a penchant for gossip, then she wanted to be there to intervene. She knew how badly it affected her mother; it was something she would never adjust to.
“Hello?”
“Hey sweetie. You’ve got a visitor in the store. Is it okay if she comes up?”
“Uh…” Her mind ran wild with who it could possibly be. If it was a reporter, surely her mother would have turned them away. Was it some classmate that she’d hung out with before? Someone who would barely look at her, much less speak to her after the book released? There was Lenora, who had been in her spellcasting class and went to some parties with her and Briony before, and there was Enid, but they were not her friends anymore. She had no friends.
“I would rather come down there,” she said, already getting up from the bed.
Apparently her mother had not waited for her response though, because when she opened her bedroom door, there stood Innes Thorburn, a cardboard box in hand, looking terrifyingly like Briony. It was almost like looking at a ghost.
“Um…hi,” Innes said sheepishly, sweeping a strand of hair behind her ear. She chewed on her lip nervously, waiting for Isobel to respond.
“Hi,” Isobel said, but it came out as more of a question. Innes hadn’t even spoken to her at Briony’s funeral. She didn’t think they would ever speak again. Why speak to your sister’s former best friend who couldn’t be bothered to even shed a tear for her?
“You look well,” Innes said, polite as ever.
Isobel snorted, prepared to make some sarcastic remark, but the feeling wasn’t there. She was too wary to be making jokes. She ran a thumb over the spellring on her index finger, feeling the magick pulse inside of it. Not that she thought Innes would attack her; she was probably the only Thorburn that could actually be trusted. But just in case. She’d been in a perpetual state of “just in case” for a long time.
“Why are you here, Innes?”
Innes frowned, the pleasantries completely dropped as she held the cardboard box out to Isobel. “I finally managed to go through Briony’s things. I found some stuff in her room I thought you might be interested in keeping.”
Isobel did not look in the box. In truth, she wasn’t sure any of it would be of interest to her. She had taken down all of the pictures of her and Briony after their big fight, and all of the things Briony had left here for years and refused to take back got donated. That was probably what would happen to all the things in this box too. Isobel did not want pictures of Briony; she did not want the memories of who they had once been, who they could have been had they been born into some other families.
“Thanks,” she said anyway, taking the box and peeking in. There were a couple of shirts, a dress, some jeans that Isobel had bedazzled for Briony when they’d been children and she was convinced she could be a fashion designer. A few photos stared back at her, along with the cover of a scrapbook that was hastily thrown together with Briony’s perfect handwriting on the cover: “Fabulous Fifteen.” About a year before Briony had betrayed her. It looked like there was more stuff piled underneath, but she didn’t think she wanted to sift through it.
“Can I um…can I come in?” Innes asked. Isobel must have looked upset, because she quickly added, “I just thought…I mean…never mind, it’s silly.”
“No, you can come in,” Isobel said, more so out of politeness than actual desire. She was lonely, yes, but sitting in uncomfortable silence with Innes sounded like hell. Maybe Innes would be uncomfortable too and decide to leave. “Was there something specific you wanted to talk about?”
Innes shook her head as she entered the room, searching around for a spot to sit and ultimately deciding to stand. “No. It’s just been…hard, I guess. I’ve felt so isolated recently. I thought…well, some of the things in that box…” She sucked in a breath and blew it out. “Well, I thought we could look at them…together.”
Oh. She wanted memories, she wanted nostalgia, and Isobel wasn’t entirely sure she could give it to her. Her last memories with Briony were civil at best, but she knew that even if they both walked away from the tournament, they would still remain strangers to one another.
But Innes was grieving, and with her entire family under investigation and no sister to turn to, she had very few options. And maybe she was expecting answers, some sort of explanation from Isobel, even if she could offer none. Maybe she wanted Isobel to tell her how brave her sister was, how considerate and selfless and heroic she had been, but she hadn’t been there. She couldn’t make herself say empty, meaningless words to her. Innes had never done anything wrong.
“Okay,” she said, swallowing against the lump in her throat. If she had a heartbeat, it would be going crazy right now. “Come sit on the bed with me.”
Isobel moved the magazine and placed the box of memories in the middle of the bed as Innes stiffly sat down on the very edge. Isobel offered her a tiny smile as she pulled out the first item: the jeans. “Ugh,” she said, as one of the rhinestones fell off. “Can you believe we used to wear things like this?”
Innes smiled back at her, but it was sad. “Bri loved those jeans. She always told me she thought you were amazing, and she couldn’t wait to see your designs in a fashion show.”
Isobel almost wanted to huff out a laugh, but she stopped herself. Her memories might have been tainted, she realized, because now every time she thought about her former best friend, all she could remember were the times when she was greedy, arrogant, self-obsessed, always wanting to be the center of attention. The other things – the good things – lay dormant at the back of her mind like they were some sort of hazy dream nearly forgotten.
But she had no doubt Innes was right. Now, she could remember Briony wearing these jeans all the time. They were only kids, so the jeans were far too small for Isobel to wear even if she wanted to. But maybe she would hold onto them for a little while.
She picked up the scrapbook next. On the cover next to Briony’s impeccable handwriting, there was a picture of the two of them plus Finley. Briony was dressed in a gorgeous blue dress with a tiara on her head that said “Birthday Girl” on it. It was tilted to the side, nearly falling out of her hair. She was seated in between Finley and Isobel, her arms slung over their shoulders and her head tipped back in a laugh. Isobel was laughing too, leaning her head on Briony’s shoulder and looking genuinely happy. Beside them, Finley was smiling, his eyes set on Briony with all the adoration in the world. He’d been absolutely obsessed with her the same way she was obsessed with him. But they never made Isobel feel like she was an outsider.
“Do you remember what you were laughing at?” Innes asked, running her finger over the picture, over her sister caught in a moment in time they would never get back.
“No,” Isobel replied. “I honestly just think we were laughing because we were happy.”
Innes was silent, and Isobel looked up to see the younger girl staring at her, a wistful smile on her lips and her blue eyes so like Briony’s shimmering with unshed tears. When one finally escaped and rolled down her cheek, she laughed humorlessly and wiped it away. “Sorry, sorry. I swore I was done crying. I just miss her. She was the only family that ever mattered.”
“Don’t apologize for crying,” Isobel said. In another life, one where she had not survived a death tournament that had killed her former best friend, she might have drawn Innes into a hug and held her until she felt okay again. But now, the distance between them felt like an ocean, and didn’t think she would ever be able to cross it. “I might have lost a friend, but you lost a sister.”
Innes wiped another tear away. “I’m glad the two of you could reconcile before…the end.”
We didn’t, Isobel almost said, but she pursed her lips to keep the words from spilling out. A deep pain swelled in her chest, something like guilt, but she still didn’t quite think there was anything to feel guilty for. “Me too,” she said with a tight smile.
They flipped through the scrapbook filled with photos from Briony’s birthday, most of them just Bri, Isobel, and Finley, but there were some of their classmates too, and Innes in the corner reading a book and drinking a non-alcoholic daiquiri. It was funny, Isobel thought, because she did not believe teenage love was anything other than a fleeting whim, but looking at the pictures, she could see that Finley and Briony were in love. The golden couple. If anyone would have made it, it would have been them.
And she and Briony…well, she used to think she and Briony were soulmates in a different way, that they were always destined to find each other. But she’d been severely mistaken; all they were destined to be were stepping stones toward each other’s downfall.
The clothes in the box were things Isobel had left at Briony’s that had never been returned: a strapless dress she had loaned Briony for her first date with Finley; a crop top she’d made herself; and a t-shirt with a fox on it that said “For Fox Sake” (they had been twelve and thought it was hilarious). There was also a pair of gold hoop earrings that did not belong to Isobel but she had borrowed so much that they might as well have been hers; a loose photo of Briony and Isobel after they’d let Innes do their makeup when they were eight; a few notes that she and Briony had passed back and forth during class; and a stuffed panda that Isobel had gotten for one of Briony’s birthdays. It was Briony’s favorite stuffed animal for so, so long. It stayed on her bed all the time, and Isobel was almost certain she slept with it most nights. It looked worn and loved.
“She loved this thing,” she said, smiling despite herself. Late at night when they would talk on the phone and recap all the craziness of their days, she remembered Briony sometimes doing a deep voice and saying it was the panda talking. “She named it –”
“Cookies and Cream,” Innes finished with a roll of her eyes. “She was ridiculous.”
“That was her favorite ice cream flavor.”
“And pandas were her favorite animal.”
Isobel smiled at Innes, the first real smile she’d given her since she got here. She thought she could heal on her own, she thought that if she just kept all of her feelings to herself and went about her day like nothing had happened then it would be easier. But she needed this, she needed someone who loved Briony the same way Isobel once did. She couldn’t bring herself to speak with Finley. Perhaps now she might have the courage.
“You should take him,” Isobel said, offering the panda to Innes.
Innes’s eyebrows shot up. “What? Why? You’re the one who –”
“Briony loved him, and it was a gift for her. It would mean much more to you than it would me.”
Innes hesitated, but slowly she took the panda back, examining the paws and the thread that had come loose on its face. “Thanks,” she said. “For this. And for…” She gestured vaguely. “This. It feels nice to talk about her without bringing up…well, you know.”
Isobel nodded. She thought about taking Innes’s hand, but decided against it. Maybe it was a good reminder to her, too, that Briony had once meant the entire world to her.
“I should probably go,” Innes said, getting up from the bed. “I have a box to take to Finley’s too.”
“Oh, will you take this to him?” Isobel asked, handing her the scrapbook.
Innes frowned. “That’s for you. There are a ton of photos in there of you two –”
Isobel flipped the book open again. There was only one photo she really wanted, one that had been taken close to the end of the night when they were both exhausted and red-faced from dancing. Isobel was on Briony’s back holding a flute of sparkling apple juice they pretended was champagne. Their hair was wild, their smiles so wide it made her smile even now. They had been happy, once upon a time. But all fairytales come to an end.
She slid the photo out, then closed the book and held it back out. “Finley would really appreciate this,” she said. “Please. I want him to have it.”
Innes still looked wary, but slowly she nodded and took the book. “Um…” she said, hovering in the door, unsure of how to say goodbye.
Isobel stood, thought once again about hugging her, decided against it. “I’m sorry, Innes.”
Innes chewed her lip, clutching the scrapbook to her chest. “She was always going to be the hero. It’s who she was born to be.”
Then she was gone, and Isobel felt like she was letting go of a breath she’d been holding for a long, long time. She went to her bulletin board at her desk and pushed a thumbtack through the picture, residing now next to a picture of her and her mother and a picture of her and Reid. It looked like it had belonged there the entire time.