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Jim tried not to tell anybody.
He worried that if anybody knew -- if they found out -- they would cease to respect him, cease to take anything he said seriously.
He knew it probably wasn't true, but he couldn't help thinking it.
As such, the only people who knew were the ones who had to know. So, Bones, his mom, Sam. He supposed Frank knew too, but he tried to avoid thinking about him.
Of course, it was kind of hard to keep it hidden from the people he slept with, but that was part of the reason he slept with people he didn't know, mostly. More anonymity, and usually they were too trashed -- too needy -- to give much of a shit about his bodily anatomy.
Obviously, that meant no relationships for him. It wasn't worth it, honestly. He couldn't risk having a bad breakup, having the other person be able to hold that over him.
So he went to clubs, and he slept around, and he was fine.
He was.
A long while ago, shortly after he first admitted to his mother -- stopped trying to be the daughter they both knew he wasn't -- Winona had offered to give him the money to be able to transition.
(Winona had always believed him, never doubted him. Jim suspected it was because she knew it, too. Knew she had two sons, not a son and a daughter.)
He had declined. Sometimes his body gave him horrible dysphoria, and he hated it, and why hadn't he been born in the proper body -- but it was his body. And he wasn't going to change it.
Besides, most of the time the dysphoria wasn't that bad.
And now he was a Starfleet captain, and he bound his chest, and lowered his voice, and embraced being called "pretty boy", and nobody knew, and he was fine.
Which was why he was so fucking dumbstruck when Spock kissed him.
When he felt warm lips press against his, he couldn't help kissing back, almost hungrily, pushing Spock back against the wall. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't had a crush on Spock, be lying if he said he hadn't imagined Spock fucking him against this wall, his cock buried deep inside him --
But Jim can't.
He can't do this -- he would mess it up. Spock would find out about him, would hate him for it. (He wouldn't, a little voice inside his head says. He finds himself unable to listen to it, though.)
And he can't.
He couldn't risk losing Spock because of Jim fucking up, and he would. He fucking knows it.
He knew because every time he has something good, something always goes wrong.
He forced himself to pull away from Spock's mouth with a sigh, backing up and rubbing his eyes. Without saying anything, he turned and headed back to his room. He didn't even look back -- didn't want to see Spock's expression. Didn't really want to be reminded how much of a dick he was being right now.
Ten minutes later, there was a knock at his door and Jim hastily wiped his eyes (he wasn't crying, dammit) before letting whoever was behind the door in. (He knew it was Spock.)
"Jim," he began, as soon as the door was closed behind him, and Jim was already waving him off.
"Don't worry about it, Spock. It's cool." Spock gave him a look, and Jim hoped his eyes weren't too red.
"Jim," he said again. "I am truly sorry for any discomfort I may have caused you. I acted without thinking, and I foolishly assumed you reciprocated my feelings." He paused. "Actually, given your initial reaction, it still seems that way, but, clearly, I was mistaken. Again, I apologise." Jim took a moment to marvel at this genuine apology, especially considering that Jim didn't deserve it at all. It made him even more aware of how big of an asshole he was.
"Spock, see--" and he broke off, running a hand through his hair, trying to gather his thoughts. Fuck, how did he say this. "I -- I do feel the same, it's just -- augh. I can't." Jim flopped backwards on his bed, and he closed his eyes, because he's always been bad at this, at facing people.
"Pardon my ignorance, but why can you not, precisely?" Spock's voice was neutral, mostly, but Jim thought he could hear a tremor of emotion just below the surface. If he was completely honest with himself, though, he knew he was probably just imagining things.
He sat back up, actually looked at Spock, and took a deep breath.
"Look, I'm...not quite what you think," he started, stiltedly, because fuck it, Spock deserved to know. Jim wanted him to know. He took another breath before continuing. "I'm -- I mean -- I was born in the wrong body, Spock. I've got tits and a vagina and everything. I'm not who you think I am," he said, and it was all kind of jumbled together and rushed, but it was freeing to actually tell somebody, and he knew Spock understood him. Which was why he was so confused as to why Spock was just standing there, looking at him with a strange expression on his face. Then, he walked over, sat on the bed, and caught Jim's eyes.
"I know. I have been aware of this for quite some time. But your appearance as that of a man is not what drew me to you, Jim. It is also not why I kissed you, or why I am here now. I did all of those things because of you, Jim. I have no care for what your genitals are, or are not. It is frightfully illogical that you thought I would. You are exactly who I thought you were." This sounded awfully like a confession to Jim, and he chalked it up to Spock's human half finally making an appearance. Supposing he had nothing to lose -- Spock knew now, and Jim figured he'd be more likely to chuck him forcefully off the ship than to ever tell anybody -- Jim finally did something for himself, and leaned across the gap to press their lips together.
"Really?" he whispered against Spock's lips. The word just slipped out, and Jim wanted to slap himself in embarrassment.
"Vulcans do not lie, Jim," he said, the epitome of seriousness. It was reassuring to Jim, though he still had to check one thing.
"So are we dating now?" Jim hated having to ask, but he needed to know where they stood.
"If you would like," he said, and Jim laughed.
"Yeah, I'd like that," Jim answered, and he kissed Spock again, and it was soft and exploratory, and Jim grabbed Spock's hands and threaded their fingers together, and he huffed a laugh when Spock jumped a little. And when he felt Spock smile, just a little, he couldn't help smiling too.
And, for once, he didn't actually mind that somebody knew.