Work Text:
The thing about alphas is that they are always in their own heads. Swirling around in pressure and too much thought.
Oh me? Nah, that’s not me. I’m just your average beta who lives off creating colours on canvas, bringing new light into the world of darkness. Because being average means there is an equilibrium of people above and under you, lightening the pressure on either side. The perfect balance of neither feeling the weight of what it’s like to stand at the very top nor the pain of being crushed to rock bottom.
I’m just an average beta with only enough talent to enhance dull and plain canvases delivered to my doorstep. However, it is because I am average that-
“What are you doing?”
Renjun stops in his tracks and switches off his inner monologue. Chenle leans against the classroom door and raises an eyebrow. He doesn’t question it though, putting it as one of his many “artist” quirks. It doesn’t mean that Chenle wouldn’t judge Renjun for mumbling words to himself and dancing across the room with no music accompaniment. But Chenle is new to Renjun with only four months of acquaintance under their belt. However, no doubt he will get used to it soon for Chenle is a man of greatness.
“I was hyping myself up before starting on my competition piece,” Renjun twirls on his toes and settles back down in front of his empty canvas. So plain, so dull, the whiteness sucking all the joy away. Poor canvas, it will be filled soon by none other than an average beta-
“Band practice is starting by the way.”
Oh. Right.
Perhaps the white canvas can wait just a little longer before streaks of colour accompany it to create the beauty that this dark world needs. He tells himself and yet the cherry blossom petals fluttering past the windows say otherwise.
“By the way, you know the pack you’re joining? Uh, the one with Jeno, Jaemin, and Donghyuck right?” Chenle whispers, gently pulling Renjun’s sleeves for attention.
“Yeah?” Renjun asks, listening to his feet tapping on the floor already guessing the possibilities of what Chenle might ask.
“Do they have another member in the pack? Like someone kinda… Kinda short? Is always looking down? Very cute? Resembles a tiny hamster?”
The cheeks on Chenle’s face are bright red at this point. Not even the oncoming summer air can help defend his case. The budding of a new crush waiting to bloom with the right amount of water. With enough care, it would blossom into a love that would transcend all love that has ever been seen. Soulmates destined to find one another in a world where dark clouds gloom over and hearts are broken too easily.
“You mean Jisung? Jeno’s neighbour, has fluffy hair, would rather die than stand up straight and make eye contact?”
“Jisung…” Chenle says as if testing out how the name sounds with his own voice. “Yeah…” He absentmindedly replies when he opens the practice room door and sways to his seat behind the keyboard.
Ah Jisung, a newly presented alpha who has a big heart and even bigger emotions. Maybe the easy-going and sturdy Chenle would help keep the shaky heart solid. In order to nurture such a delicate, overthinking alpha, an outstanding beta such as Chenle would be perfect! There it is, the perfect match to a beautiful blossoming romance! How beautiful for them to fall in love and complement each other, puzzle pieces locking in to form a complete picture!
“Renjun?”
It’s Donghyuck’s voice, echoing into the practice room as his head pokes in. Renjun quietens his inner monologue and takes a mental note to dive deeper into Chenle’s seed of love later. The other band members wave to acknowledge the omega, the drummer twirls her hair intentionally but Haechan doesn’t even seem to notice.
“Jeno is asking if you’re free later for dinner. No pressure on your decision but we figured it’d be good if you could spend more time with Jisung if you do join.”
“Yeah, I’m free,” Renjun nods his head, gears turning as he sees Chenle give him a look of a silent plea.
But before he can bring it up, Yangyang puts his violin down and slides in between Donghyuck and Renjun. “Can I join?” He says as he blows a kiss and gives a cheesy wink. Donghyuck laughs good-naturedly but shakes his head and Yangyang pouts before turning his head to look at Renjun.
“You flat out reject mine and yet you consider them? I’m telling Ten to come and find you!” He says and sticks out his tongue childishly.
“I just prefer a pack where the majority are my age,” Renjun shrugs his shoulders and leans his body to the right so Donghyuck can see his face. “I’ll come on one condition though.”
Donghyuck lifts his head and waits for Renjun to continue.
“You have to let Chenle tag along.”
So naturally when Chenle is giggling like a maniac on the way home after dinner, Renjun can tell that this was the right choice. A place for his favourite junior to find a place of love and grow together with someone who will no doubt take his big heart and give it all and more.
That one condition ended up extending to “you have to let Chenle in the pack too” and for some reason, everyone says okay to it.
“For some reason,” Renjun mutters under his breath as if Donghyuck and Jaemin don’t eye Jisung in interest when he clumsily tries to learn Mandarin from Chenle as an excuse to have a one-to-one conversation even in a group setting. Even the always-dense Jeno takes a physical step back when he sees Chenle approach Jisung.
It is beautiful, the start of innocent love that wishes goodness of the world upon the stars in the dark night sky. Wonderful it is that such a step in the world of beauty can be born from something as small, as sweet, and as soothing as Chenle and Jisung sharing a bowl of noodles. A good decision indeed as the lonely Chenle who couldn’t speak a word of Korean rambles on about basketball in great fluency to Jisung who is nodding along mindlessly.
“How is your art piece coming along?” Jeno asks, a smile so quiet he almost misses it. A strong alpha with too much on his shoulders, and sleeves pulled so high up his biceps that they almost started to rip. It is quite ridiculous for a 17-year-old high schooler to be so jacked but it might have something to do with Jaemin taking an interest in working out.
“It’s coming along, one way or another,” Renjun replies distracted. The pack had come together to play games at Jeno’s house so that Renjun and Chenle could integrate better but with Chenle screeching and latching onto Jeno when Jisung loses again for the hundredth time, Renjun believes the bonding plan isn’t quite necessary. But everyone seems happy even when only Chenle and Donghyuck have won anything for the entire day.
“What’s the theme for it again?” Jaemin pops up from the kitchen, holding onto a bowl of chips and nacho cheese.
“Humanity.”
It was certainly not a theme that inspired Renjun’s artistic senses but perhaps that is how an average teenager like himself is to be. But then again, the topic is way too vague, how the hell do you even paint something that encompasses humanity? How humanity is going to shit? Or-
Is it because I am caught in the middle of the hierarchy, settling in between the highs and lows, perfectly in the middle? When looking through the lens of how humanity has formed its own rights in the center of where everything is happening, that should give me the insight no one could ever possibly dream of right? That’s it, that’s how it is.
The brushstrokes glide across the canvas, smooth, unlike the thousand and one thoughts that go through Renjun’s mind. His feet are above the ground, head somewhere in a storm and yet every splatter that hits the canvas is intentional, purposeful. It’s coming along well, after waiting a whole week for the paint to dry, Renjun adds the second layer and watches his own hands finish what looks like humanity.
“Holy shit! Renjun! This is just- Like- Yo!”
It’s Yangyang. Of course, it’s Yangyang. He had been bugging Renjun about his competition piece ever since he found out that he was chosen out of everyone in the art course to participate. It’s a huge deal, Renjun knows this the most especially when the alphas in the back of the class send piercing glares his way ever since the announcement. The murmurs haven't ceased because how dare a mere beta with average talent represent their school in the national high school art competition?
But Yangyang.
Yangyang probably doesn’t know how big of a deal it genuinely is but his excitement makes it look like he understands it fully. It makes Renjun feel the warmth spread across his body, but then again, it’s Yangyang. Warmth and cosiness follow Yangyang everywhere.
“It looks great! Being an artist is just perfect for you!”
Perfect? Me? The average beta who lives day to day? But that can’t possibly be an adjective that I could have ever reached in my entire lifetime! And of everyone to tell me it’s Yangyang? Language prodigy, a talented violinist, and the most loving boy telling me the word perfect exists within my dictionary of adjectives?
“Hey Renjun? Renjun?”
A vocabulary word I learned many years ago that has become the bane of my existence for I could never come near it and yet the word perfect is being described as me? Is that a lie? Is this some sort of pyramid scheme to build my self-esteem so that I can give up my passion because I’m nothing but an average-
“Renjun.”
A quiet and lovely voice floats through the air.
“Hey, come back to earth for me?”
He does, the inner monologue shuts up immediately. Yangyang’s full signature grin was on display and it calmed the heartbeat, slowing the panic that had slowly risen in his throat unknowingly. It’s times like this that Renjun wonders if Yangyang is secretly a magician.
“I-” The words get caught in his throat but Yangyang’s smile hasn’t faltered in the least, letting Renjun soak in the words that Yangyang had used. “Perfect?” Renjun whispers.
“Yeah,” his smile gets impossibly wider, “perfect.”
There’s a high chance Yangyang had caught on that Renjun’s “perfect” wasn’t exactly what Yangyang had initially meant. Simply stating that the career choice Renjun is pursuing is such a great fit that it becomes perfect. But the word hits a little too much in Renjun’s heart, unwilling to let go of the word that he had never felt good enough to be near.
Yet to not be corrected about his feelings, just a simple affirmation of being, of perhaps becoming perfect. “Perfection doesn’t exist, humans are all flawed.” Donghyuck has once yelled at Jeno but the act of pursuing such an ideal is usually only dedicated to alphas who stand at the highest hierarchy.
Or only for omegas who take all of their powers to push the boundaries of what everyone else had bound them to. They step on every adversary their way and crack at the seams. Chasing after perfection and reaching close to it through sheer will to prove their worth as humans, as equals. For those who are labelled as a genius since birth, ready to pursue perfection and fight against discrimination and suffering. For–
“I think it’s perfect,” Yangyang immediately switches his focus, his eyes gently settling onto the still freshly painted canvas.
It could very well be a lie but it’s from Yangyang. Genuine and sweet to anyone and everyone. Bright, giggly, and energetic yet shy and introverted. A contradiction of words yet nothing is false. It’s a kind compliment, maybe just lip service but Yangyang who takes out his phone and gestures if he could take a photo is not someone who says things for the sake of it. Renjun nods and lets the word settle somewhere in his brain.
“I’ll make it my wallpaper,” Yangyang mumbles as he looks down on his phone. He looks back up at Renjun and while he doesn’t know the exact facial expression he is wearing, Yangyang gives a thumbs up and a toothy grin.
“I’ve got to get going now, see ya!”
“See ya.”
After Yangyang leaves, the finished painting stares blankly at Renjun. It feels like it is exactly everything Renjun had wanted to paint, perfectly fitting for the theme and also a great reflection of his heart. But it feels wrong, everything feels wrong. Yangyang’s word echo in his brain but his heart takes it and pushes it into the depths of darkness. The black hole sucks it away and suddenly gets bigger. The warm feelings that had spread through his body fall into the black hole and now there is nothing left.
A minute and then another.
Renjun takes a penknife and slices it through his canvas.
The wet paint still fresh on the canvas stains the blade mocking the unhappiness that grows within its heart. The canvas is probably upset, no, furious for deleting its existence to have its beauty seen by other people. For the message of every colour soaked into the white to be sent out to the world for all to know.
It is my fault, it is because of me that what would have been perfect is now tattered and torn, fallen to the ground. Was I too out of touch to ever believe that the average me could fly? It hurts the more my arm swings down against the already torn canvas but it distracts me from the tears that fall freely from my eyes. More than ever would this have been the beauty I had always sought from the beginning of my consciousness?
Am I the problem? Another man had spoken for the piece to be perfect and I, too, thought it was perfect. Yet as I glare at the broken piece, it feels more like home. Tattered, torn, trash.
Guilt swirls inside Renjun, a tornado threatening to overflow and completely rip everything from the inside out. Would Yangyang think that he completely disregarded his sincere compliment by destroying it just mere seconds later? Will the friendship built over the past two years be completely destroyed, together with the bits of canvas that lay pathetically on the ground? Maybe it will, no it definitely will. Yangyang is wonderful but Renjun must be too much of a snob in his eyes to ever let this atrocity of an act go like nothing happened.
So when Yangyang comes by the classroom the very next day and sees the very same canvas covered with slashes, Renjun naturally freaks out.
“Yangyang! You see… I wasn’t really– Like this isn’t what I… As in… I’m–”
“You like bubble tea right?”
With a blinding bright smile that seems to never leave his face, Renjun gets stunned and has to shield his eyes for a bit. A moment passes and Yangyang tilts his head while Renjun nods his head in confirmation. The once perfect canvas is untouched, left tattered, left torn, and yet not quite trash.
And if Yangyang notices tears falling in the quiet corner of a bubble tea shop, he doesn’t comment on it.
“Why is Jisung so tall what the hell happened he was so short 4 months ago.”
Chenle is rambling over Jisung again except Donghyuck and Jaemin are here to listen to it too.
Maybe it’s the solidarity of having an unrequited but not actually unrequited love but Jaemin is nodding enthusiastically with every nonsensical word that leaves Chenle’s mouth. There is something about how Jaemin stands behind the line, patiently waiting for Jeno to cross, that makes it more romantic than Renjun had initially thought. It was obvious to the moon, the sun, across the galaxies and then beyond that Jeno was in love with Jaemin but past the endless flowing river, maybe Jaemin loves Jeno more than anyone knew.
Donghyuck seems to be caught up in their pining more often than not. Jeno doesn’t think so but he also doesn’t realise how much he talks about Jaemin in every conversation possible. The exasperated sigh at the end of each excruciatingly long monologue of how Jaemin’s eyes hold every star in the universe and how the creators of the world had to begrudgingly allow the once angel to live and breathe as a mortal on earth.
It’s the same sigh when he sees another courting gift from an alpha he doesn’t know with greasy eyes and even greasier hands. But there’s also the part where Donghyuck hasn’t fallen in love yet. So maybe Jaemin suddenly getting starry-eyed when a notification pops up on his phone would be a lot more relatable if he found himself in love with someone.
“Jeno is asking if he could join us,” Jaemin puts his phone down with a gentle smile.
It’s so-
“He says he doesn’t want to intrude on our beta-omega bonding, I don’t mind but maybe you guys do?” Jaemin puts his laptop inside his bag.
You know?
“If you guys mind then I’ll just find Jeno alone, I don’t want him to feel lonely.”
Donghyuck buries his face in his hands and mumbles along the lines of “Just bring your damn pseudo-boyfriend here also he’s literally pack alpha why is he so reserved?”. Jaemin brightens up immediately and takes his laptop back out of his bag. Chenle stops his rambling completely and looks to Jaemin in silent solidarity. Nothing makes sense to either Donghyuck or Renjun but perhaps this is what love looks like.
When Yangyang’s face pops up at the back of his heart, Renjun shuts the door and locks it without ever looking back.
But it doesn’t quite work when Yangyang is kicking his legs as he sits above the lockers in the art classroom. Renjun is redoing his piece, adding a second layer of oil paint across the thin layer of colours that he had repainted two weeks ago. The deadline is in three weeks and the stress of submitting somehow overrode every negativity that had been haunting him ever since he slashed the now-missing canvas.
“Have you seen a… Torn canvas?”
The art department head shrugged her shoulders and that was the end of it.
So here he is with a similar-looking painting because the same idea would not leave his mind or his heart.
Maybe it’s because my idea for such a theme as humanity initially was born of love. Love from friends where Donghyuck hugs Jeno when the other feels down when Chenle kisses me on the cheek to cheer me up even though I hadn’t said a word. When Jisung holds Jaemin’s hand while the omega overthinks and worries over Jeno.
Love romantically even if it’s only one-sided, from Jaemin’s selfless love for Jeno and Jeno’s relentless love for Jaemin. When Jisung slides an extra piece of beef slice for Chenle and Chenle showering Jisung with lots of compliments.
Or when Yangyang…
…
Renjun shuts his monologue before it gets too personal.
Humanity lives off, thrives off, creates for, yearns for, love. It’s too easy to use for a theme as vague as ‘humanity’ but it fits all too well. Plus, when all Renjun can see is love from a new pack that accepted him in loving arms, it’s hard not to paint without these sweet emotions.
The penknife Renjun had used is tucked in Yangyang’s pocket—a wordless request when Renjun pointed at it earlier. Yangyang walked in to see Renjun staring at the blank canvas with a new paintbrush in his other hand. Maybe with another pair of eyes here there wouldn’t be another burst of impulsiveness to rip open every creation Renjun has ever begun in his hands.
“And the champion for this year’s national high school art competition goes to…”
“...Congratulations!”
I could lip-read what the announcer said and it looked awfully a lot like how you’d say my name. But I didn’t hear my name. Not because I couldn’t believe it, but because if I won first place through the love birthed from my fingertips with every brushstroke I did with Yangyang sitting near me with an unusual amount of silence, then I’d have to admit more than one thing. That one, maybe perfection isn’t too far from my hands and two–
Renjun can distinctively hear Yangyang screaming from behind, followed by a very loud shrill from Chenle. Amongst the polite applause and congratulations from the other contestants, he can hear Donghyuck and Jaemin wolf whistles and Jeno yelling “Let’s go Renjun!”. There might have been a cheer from Ten and Kun but he isn’t too sure about that one.
There is a certain skill attached to keeping a kind poker face—where you put on a gentle smile and soft eyes while speaking only neutral statements. It’s exactly how he receives the prize and bows in gratefulness. The art department head gives him a pat on the shoulder, her voice drowned out by every other person congratulating him. It’s noisy, loud, overwhelming, and there are a lot of eyes that look at him in a way that doesn’t feel quite right.
“Congrats, your artwork was really good for a beta.”
Unfortunately, that’s the loudest voice he could hear.
It’s from some alpha guy who won third place overall. Is the backhanded comment from bitterness or insecurity? Renjun couldn’t answer. The words echo in his head, bouncing off the walls and jumping right back into his brain.
Everything is a blur, from the moment his pack gives him a group hug to heading home and his parents, his alpha mum and omega dad taking out a frame from the storeroom as if expecting the results from miles away to hang up his first-place certificate. The unsettling bubbles that have been floating around his stomach start exploding and Renjun’s head above the sink gradually gets lower and lower.
“Junnie! Your friend is here to visit!”
His mum yells from across the living room in Mandarin, way more excited than if Chenle was visiting. The mirror is too clean for his liking, his dark circles and pale cheeks too clear for his vision. Not even his myopia could blur out how horrible he looked at that moment.
“Hey.”
Of all people–
Yangyang leans against the bathroom doorway, his arms crossed as his eyes land on Renjun’s pale complexion. It’s a wonder how Renjun managed to reject every dinner offer from his friends and yet Yangyang refuses to back down and has even invaded Renjun’s home.
“What are you doing her–”
“You were perfect out there.”
Yangyang usually has this excitable tone in his voice, regardless of the language he speaks. A little smile to add to each intonation, fluttering at the thought of being admired, praised, loved.
Loved?
Renjun shuts down.
He doesn’t remember much except for Yangyang rubbing his back in a steady beat as they sit crossed-legged on the bed. The summer sun is unbearably hot and way too humid that the sweat sticks his shirt to his back and yet Yangyang still puts his sweaty hands on it as if it isn’t disgustingly gross and sticky.
There is lo-fi music playing in the background with Yangyang humming to a completely different song. It clashes too much for Renjun’s brain to relax as he tries to figure out what on earth Yangyang is humming to and which Spotify lo-fi music playlist is being used.
“Distracted much?”
“Yeah,” Renjun mumbles, trying to figure out if the beat Yangyang was humming was a pop song from the early 2000s or just something he had never heard of.
“It’s a German children’s song,” Yangyang whistles to the tune again.
When Renjun turns to look at Yangyang, his vision focuses on the other’s bright grin and suddenly that’s the only thing Renjun can remember from that day.
“That’s a dumb idea.”
Renjun knows it a little too well.
Yangyang crosses his arms and clenches his jaw. It’s not often Renjun sees Yangyang mad, hell he isn’t sure anyone has actually seen Yangyang mad, not even Hendery. It’s nothing to be mad about though, especially when Yangyang was the one who asked Renjun to be more interested in romantic relationships.
“This was your idea!” Renjun spits back.
“How is this my idea? I never said, ‘hey accept anyone who confesses your way in university’ now did I?”
“You told me to be more interested in romance and so I just took the first romantic, thing- person- whatever, that was presented to me!”
Yangyang pinches the bridge of his nose. The frustration in his body filling up so much Renjun gets a whiff of frankincense and fig and his heart attempts to pull itself closer to the ground. His back almost bends as his wolf forcefully picks at the scent and yearns to be closer to Earth.
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
The voice is quiet, almost painstakingly so. Yangyang has his head hung low, refusing to meet Renjun’s eyes.
I know.
Your fingertips touch my skin and even I can feel the sparks that electrocute the both of us—A physical reminder of what we could be. Instead, I skirt around your feelings, my own too, dancing like a fool too far away from the main stage that not even the brightest spotlight that illuminates the entire theatre can find me.
How many years have we done this? From the moment we exchanged timetables, shifting schedules secretly to ensure we got to see each other every single day. I take my body and ruin it into pieces just so I can smile confidently around you, letting my heart bear the crumbling of my physicality. Hey, did you know? It hurts. It hurts every time you lay your eyes on me just a little longer than you would normally on anyone else. Because I see it, I notice it. Why wouldn’t I? I notice everything you do.
Renjun looks away, his hand clutching a phone that’s vibrating way too much for a relationship that started a mere 32 hours ago. It had only been four months since university started. Since Yangyang tenderly took a strand of hair and tucked it behind Renjun’s ear with such gentle eyes that it was almost too much to handle. Since Yangyang started every conversation with tints of romantic gestures that not even Renjun could ignorantly look away from.
Since Renjun desperately held his heart in an iron grip and shoved it into the depths of hell.
“What’s done is done,” Renjun unlocks his phone to see a spam of messages from one person. “I gotta go, he’s looking for me.”
Almost audibly, a heart breaks. It finally had enough. Broken to a million pieces, turning almost sand-like just waiting to be washed up by the ocean. The fragility of it, just like glass makes Renjun wonder if it’s even possible to recycle it.
There are tears in his eyes. Whose? Renjun isn’t sure when his hazy vision tries its best to stay that way. Yangyang stays blurry and possibly further than he probably is.
Yangyang nods his head with a soft “goodbye then, I’ll see you around” and turns around, carrying a heavy heart.
Then the wind blows the remains of Renjun’s heart and scatters them into the ocean.
Hey rj
This ur bf rite?
>Photo
It is.
He did tell Renjun that he was going to the club tonight and after months of getting upset over such a questionable act, this was the first time Renjun had given up on stopping him. Perhaps that’s why it is this specific night he chooses to be bold and make out with some random person at a club many juniors from their college that know both of them frequent.
Many thoughts flood his mind as another acquaintance sends him a video on Instagram DMs with a different angle. How on earth had he been so blind this entire time?
No, he saw it the whole time.
Love is blind but hindsight's perspective sure works now. At first, it was a constant stream of texts asking where Renjun was to the point he once made Jisung cry because he shouted at Renjun for not telling him that he was with an alpha. The jealousy was strong but it was still bearable, Renjun got into the habit of sending his live location and updating who he was with so he wouldn’t upset him.
Then… nothing.
The initial thought was that Renjun was doing such a great job at giving the other beta live updates that he had gained full trust. The incessant messages and calls every day stopped and turned into an almost weekly affair instead. After a year he became distant, leaving Renjun hanging for hours and hours before a reply finally came in. But it's fine, he works from home part time as a 3D specialist and he doesn't need the constant attention.
But maybe this is how relationships become comfortable, where the other’s presence isn’t constantly needed, I said to myself. A lie that kept going on and on and on for the next two years that I know, no, knew was a waste of my emotions, of my time, of my mental health.
The previously forced beige flags are finally glaringly red and Renjun does the dick move of sending a breakup text before blocking him completely without explaining why.
He picks up the phone and calls Yangyang.
It rings for a second.
He hangs up immediately.
Jisung sits next to him on a sofa, tears in his eyes as he sniffles his pre-rut, Chenle’s problems, and stress away.
“I knew there’s a reason why I didn’t like him.”
Yeah, Renjun knows how much Jisung had expressed his extreme distaste for the ex-boyfriend. Constantly scowling and scoffing whenever Renjun mentions him in passing, in passion, in pain. Even though a (very) small part of why Renjun even accepted the confession from that asshole was that he wanted Jisung to stop being irrationally jealous of his beta status—just so he could date Chenle without any prejudice.
Yeah. It was a dumb idea to have accepted the first confession he got the moment he stepped into college. Yangyang was right to nag at him about it, warn him about it, and distance himself because of it.
The ice cream in his hands is melting slowly in Jaemin’s stupidly humid apartment with no Jaemin in sight. He had gone out to fix his phone but hadn’t come back in over 3 hours. Also, where is Donghyuck again?
"Oh my gosh!”
Ah, there he is.
“Renjun! Jisung! Get a load of this! Jeno says he is on break! At 2.45 p.m. in the afternoon and it's not the compulsory lunch break! During work hours! Renjun, did you hear me?" Donghyuck rushes back into the living room from the kitchen, excitedly reporting Jeno’s once-in-a-lifetime self-care moments. Renjun and Jisung respond in exaggeration, loud enough for Jeno to hear them make fun of him through the phone. Perhaps although in different states of sadness, making fun of their pack leader is still a top priority.
The phone in his pocket keeps ringing and there are two possible answers as to who is calling. But the common factor is that he wants to hear from neither of them. One is probably an unknown phone number from his cheating ass ex-boyfriend who should never be allowed to be near a dick or pussy again.
The other is Yangyang.
Yeah.
Jisung gets whisked away by Jeno when the other arrives after work and Renjun is left with Donghyuck and a sleepy Chenle. There is the quiet buzzing sound of a phone but Donghyuck’s sizzling pork belly drowns out the panic that sits inside Renjun’s heart.
“Yangyang texted me,” Donghyuck begins and Renjun holds his breath.
“He says he saw the video on someone’s Insta story and the only reason your ex isn’t dead is cause Hendery is holding him back.”
Renjun doesn’t know what’s hurting his heart at this point but the tears start welling up in his eyes. He hasn’t shed a tear, not once from the moment he first saw the video of his ex-boyfriend making out with some rando at a club but somehow it’s this moment when his eyes can’t stop the tears anymore.
“It’s the end of running away, it’s almost been 3 years,” Donghyuck reaches out and holds Renjun’s hand, his thumb gently rubbing smooth lines. Up and down, up then down, down and up, down then up.
It’s been more than 3 years. And the fact that you know that too but decided not to mention it makes me feel even worse.
“I haven’t finished with my birthday gift for Yangyang. I got so sick of it that I painted black stripes over it and threw it away, I can’t face him yet.”
“His birthday was 3 weeks ago.”
“Exactly! I’m already late with it, I can’t talk to him until I painted the perfect painting for him.”
Donghyuck narrows his eyes, locking on Renjun’s. It’s uncomfortable because everything Donghyuck says is absolutely correct, especially when he parrots similar expressions and words to Jeno and Jisung all the time. It’s hypocritical to preach words of encouragement to the alphas about capability and how they have always been enough to pursue someone they’ve thought to be out of their league.
But still, I’m not an alpha. I don’t have the innate genes that automatically sit me at the top of the throne, feet above the clouds without the need to try. They flap their wings and almost immediately kiss the stars hello.
There’s obvious disappointment in Donghyuck’s eyes, Renjun doesn’t even need to sniff the air to know it. Words start bubbling within Renjun, the same way his phone hasn’t stopped vibrating on the counter. Donghyuck doesn’t tell Renjun to pick it up so it stays face down.
“Do you know what Jisung thinks of you?”
“A beta who will steal Chenle away.”
Donghyuck snorts, “you’re not wrong.”
A pause, then.
“That’s my point Renjun, you’re not wrong.”
Renjun looks up, fists clenched to the point his nails dig a little too deep into his skin.
“You know, Jisung isn’t jealous of every beta that turns in Chenle’s direction. A prime example is that he isn’t jealous of Yangyang or Xiaojun.” Donghyuck picks up a piece of pork belly and places it on Renjun’s plate, smoke rising up and fogging up his glasses.
“Xiaojun doesn’t count, he has a weird thing with Hendery.” Renjun shoves the pork into his mouth, almost choking from how hot it is. He opens his mouth and lets the hot steam leave and fog up his glasses even more.
“You had a weird thing with Yangyang and an actual thing with your shitty ex and yet Jisung was still jealous that you’d steal Chenle away.”
A pause.
“Think about it.”
I will not.
Donghyuck pointedly stares into Renjun’s eyes. It’s times like this Renjun wonders if Jeno wasn’t so in love with Jaemin, maybe Donghyuck would have been a great pack omega.
“Think about it.”
Renjun does the thing where he procrastinates over a thought by doing something else he had been procrastinating about and it’s answering his damn phone.
Chenle has fallen asleep on his lap from crying the whole night over having to leave South Korea and go back to China. He cries about finding a place he feels right with and about leaving Jisung behind without ever getting a chance to know what it’s truly like to love him.
“I just want to know the feeling of loving him, to be loved by him.” Chenle croaks through the cracks of his sobs. It physically hurts Renjun so much that he has to pull Chenle for a hug to hide his tears falling.
Yangyang has sent him an entourage of messages that it’s almost crazy how he had managed to send exactly 323 messages and Renjun wonders if Yangyang counted it mid-way.
Unread Messages
pickkkk upppppppppppp
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
yo i got so bored i started counting how many messages i sent lmao i sent like 300++
WAIT OMG ITS NOW AT 321 HAHAHAHA HOLD ON
322
323!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Yeah, Renjun guessed as much.
I’m okay, thanks Yangyang.
I have club activities tmr.
There is no reply but Renjun sees the “1” on the messaging app disappear. The last message he sent feels a little too cryptic, almost as if hinting someone like the early 2000s
The very next day, Renjun zones out with a blank canvas when Yangyang kicks the door open and ignores all the other art club students inside. “I got you bubble tea,” he says while everyone stares at him with confusion in the air.
And for some reason, it’s this moment that Renjun admits he is in love.
Yeah, I guessed as much.
It’s not easy to harbour strong feelings knowingly now that the gates have flooded and there is not a single wall in sight. It gets even harder when Renjun buys a pair of scissors to cut up his almost completed art piece, 6 weeks before his finals deadline.
“This is the fifth time you’re doing this,” Jaemin softly puts his hand over Renjun’s, stopping the scissors from leaving the shelf.
“Seventh.”
“That’s worse!” Donghyuck pulls Renjun’s hand away and keeps his grip strong.
The stationery store smells like dying jasmines and dark chocolates. It’s to the point even the shop owner is visibly taken aback by how upset Donghyuck is. Not even Jaemin’s subtle scent of mandarin oranges, which reminds Renjun of home, can stop the pungent smell of Donghyuck’s emotions.
“The store owner looks like he is about to die,” Renjun tilts his head to see the lady behind the cashier place a tissue over her mouth and nose.
“Then stop cutting up your canvas. You’re just gonna end up repainting the exact same thing like the past 6 times you’ve done so because you already committed to the concept and got the approval from your professor.”
“I can submit another concept.” Renjun spits back and Donghyuck’s lips move to a flat line, the same way he does when Jeno becomes sad over Jaemin possibly not liking him back.
“Okay, so I can’t submit another concept but I just,” Renjun closes his eyes, “It’s not perfect, nothing I have done so far is perfect and maybe because I’m just some average beta who can’t–”
A hand goes over Renjun’s mouth.
“Don’t say that.”
Now Renjun stands between Donghyuck and Jaemin, one holding his arm in an iron grip and the other covering his mouth like his life depends on it. He gets what his friends are trying to do, he truly does. But it feels a little dumb to hear encouragement from the most overachieving omegas he has ever known.
“Oh.”
Jaemin slackens his hand and Renjun turns around to see an expression he wished he hadn’t seen.
“This is because Yangyang almost saw your painting yesterday isn't it? I forgot about it.”
It’s not a question but a statement. Chenle had mentioned that Jisung was doing a campus tour at Renjun’s university yesterday, most likely witnessing the outburst of Renjun screaming at Yangyang to get out and telling Jaemin about it. Renjun slips out of Donghyuck’s hold amid the revelation and runs out of the store. There is a single fig tree just outside and it makes Renjun nauseous and physically in pain.
It was the first time I kept my progress from Yangyang. Every time I sought out his validation, for perfectness I never thought I could reach. If Yangyang said something was perfect, I’d have no other choice than to believe in him. Because he wouldn’t lie to me, he never lies to me. Almost like an open book, he wears a smile on his face that he dedicates to just me when he tells me the truth of how perfect it all is.
So for this, for once I wanted to dedicate a piece for him. Something he’ll remember me by for the rest of his life. He might be far away from me in the future, someone else by his side, but then he’ll see the bright colours of the world and remember once there was a beta he used to know named Renjun.
Donghyuck audibly sighs when he sees Renjun crouched next to the fig tree. The leaves are yellow and half of them have fallen, blown away whenever a car passes by. They don’t probe any further but refuse to let Renjun back into the stationery store. Donghyuck offers his hand and Renjun takes it as they walk him back to campus while Donghyuck talks about a blind date his mum had set him up with, a boy named Mark.
When he sits in front of his almost completed yet still imperfect oil painting, he picks up the brush and closes his eyes. Every colour, every brush stroke, all dedicated to someone he knows probably doesn’t think much about him. Renjun knows how bad it is. After all, it’s quite unhealthy to hold all his feelings in at this point and Renjun steels his nerves to complete his artwork to let it all out.
“I loved you from the very start!”
This is where and when it gets let out.
Renjun’s eyes water, the weight of years of love that never quite understood itself flowed out before he could stop it.
“And I still do.” He breathes in the fig, the frankincense, and almost gets pulled to the ground. Nobody could smell it probably, betas don’t emit strong scents but Renjun is surrounded by it and the gravity of it is hard to ignore. “But how could I tell you when I wasn’t perfect for you?”
The sky turned dark ages ago. In the background, he can hear the others celebrate the union of Donghyuck and Mark. It’s a beautiful day with the biggest revelation that Mark, Donghyuck’s now husband, belonged to the same pack as Yangyang when Kun and Ten decided to merge with Mark’s original pack.
When it was revealed, Ten elbowed Renjun, “maybe Mark will eventually come back to us with 6 more, who knows,” and Renjun almost fainted right there and then.
Everyone thinks we’re going to end up together. Mostly because everyone else ended up together eventually as the tale of time flowed so easily for them. But my time stopped a long time ago, it paused from the moment the flower petals were carried by the wind in the early spring.
Yangyang hasn’t said a word, tears welling up in his eyes but his mouth refuses to speak a word. It’s not time for him to interject, he knows this because he knows Renjun.
Perfect? You know that’s not me.
“I know you like me, it’s– I’m not blind despite the thick glasses and indifference I give off but I really, I can’t, you know I can’t, it’s not–” Renjun is gasping for air. The oxygen starts depleting from within and the almost dead tree nearby must not be giving him enough. The fig, the frankincense, it clouds every sense and it hurts being near.
It’s cold, it’s so unbelievably cold that Renjun runs. He spins his heels and runs as far as he can. Donghyuck might kill him for leaving the after-party early or Mark might realise that maybe Renjun’s front has been a fake this whole time and is probably the most blatantly average amongst everyone in the pack.
It should be a long time coming. Yangyang is probably sick of Renjun’s wishy-washy attitude and self-hatred over his sub-gender. The idea that no matter what he achieves in life is never going to be perfect, because he isn’t someone who can even try to pursue perfection in the first place. They’ve been friends for years and maybe this is the tipping point for when Yangyang finally lets go and finds someone who would actually be perfect for him.
After running for a bit he slows down. Hands on his knees as he catches his breath. When Renjun looks behind him the scene is empty.
Yangyang didn’t chase after him.
Of course, you do know me after all. That I’m not perfect for you.
It’s snowing in Venice, a beautiful white covers the city and it reminds Renjun of the very first time he was gifted a blank canvas. It means it’s meant to be covered, meant to be filled with colours, meant to be tainted with imperfect hands.
It’s a miracle he is here, making a name for himself at such a young age, as a beta. There has been no contact from Yangyang and he hasn’t made any confirmation if he was flying out to Venice or not. When it was first announced, it was Yangyang who immediately said he would book a flight, Kun and Ten debated about coming with their daughter but ended up not following through with the plan. Everyone else had a maybe on their availability but Yangyang was so sure he was going to come.
Renjun really had to ruin the chance of at least having one guy he knows to fly all the way from Korea to see his solo exhibition.
Then, his phone rings.
“Hi.”
Interestingly, it’s Jisung.
Renjun picks up the Facetime call with a bright smile. He loves Jisung with all his heart, an alpha so shy, so awkward, so insecure, yet is one of the most wonderful and kind-hearted boys he knows. He has never stopped nagging at Jisung to puff up his chest and go for it. “Fake it till you make it” he likes to say and Jisung thinks Renjun is hypocritical for saying so when Renjun is “so cool”.
Little does he know.
“I made another little hamster doll, do you think it’s cute? It’s a little better than the previous one. I think? I don’t know, not sure why courting gifts are wood carvings I’m so bad at it. Do you think alphas are supposed to be born with wood carving skills or–”
Jisung starts babbling away. It’s not unlike him to go on a ramble but Renjun seems to always end up on the receiving end of it. Chenle theorises it might be because he is the one constantly yapping away to Jisung and the alpha needs someone to be an outlet of words.
“Obviously Chenle only deserves the best so maybe I should just try again, I have a row of wooden hamsters on my window frame and honestly it’s kind of cute I don’t know. By the way, how is Venice? Is it nice? I saw the pictures you posted of your exhibition! It’s so beautiful, I heard from Donghyuck that the main piece was actually for your uni finals submission. I didn’t you painted something so beautiful in uni!”
Renjun nods and smiles, twisting the phone around him so Jisung can see the scenery behind him.
“That’s so nice! It’s so beautiful, that’s so cool of you. You’re so cool for this! I really wanted to come but then there’s this sudden emergency case that I had to deal with honestly I’m glad I managed to get a refund from my flight but yeah. I can’t even go to see your amazing exhibition and it’s like everyone is so cool doing their stuff and I just–”
“Come on Jisung, that’s not true. You’re a perfectly capable alpha who can chase after Chenle, I’ve said that a million times.”
Jisung stays quiet, fumbling with the wooden hamster in his hands. The phone is most likely propped up against his study table where Renjun can see the full view of his tiny apartment.
“And even if you don’t think so,” Renjun breathes in and lets out a puff of cold breath, “Chenle really likes you, he will love all of you just as you are.”
“No, he will love me when I’m perfect and cool, I’ve got too many flaws to be cool right now,” Jisung huffs his cheeks and it looks too similar to the wooden hamster it makes Renjun smile.
“You think Chenle is the kind to nitpick at your flaws?”
Jisung shakes his head but doesn’t seem too convinced.
“Yet you think I’m the kind to nitpick at your flaws?”
That’s not Jisung.
Renjun jumps and drops his phone into a pile of snow. Jisung yelps, clearly as surprised as Renjun is. “A ghost!” He screams over the speaker before he hangs up leaving the beta alone to defend against his own feelings.
“You came.”
“I promised to see it with my own eyes, plus I heard I'm the entire inspiration for the exhibition, isn't it weirder if I didn't come? Although, I was expecting you to be inside the gallery, not outside in the cold Facetiming Jisung about his Chenle woes.”
It’s not snowing but for some reason, Renjun thinks he sees sparkles of white landing on Yangyang’s cheeks. It brings out an intense desire to rub his nose on it and so the most logical thing to do is lean back and fall onto the snow.
“Oh what the fu– Renjun!”
“I love you.”
Yangyang leaves his hand hanging in the air. It feels like a repeat of what happened in the back alley weeks and weeks ago but something feels a little different this time. One, Yangyang is smiling, eyes twinkling from the white snow and two, Renjun doesn’t feel like he is about to hyperventilate in the next 20 seconds.
“I know.”
“When I said I loved you from the start, I truly meant love.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Yangyang is sitting next to Renjun’s starfish body. Renjun has half the mind to make a snow angel while he collects his thoughts with the cold biting his skin.
“It’s such red flag behaviour.”
“But you know I love you too, that’s why you could say it.”
He does know this. It’s too easy to see when Yangyang loves. Because it almost feels suffocating, drowning deep into the abyss but contentment and peace are all you get. He doesn’t love the same way Jaemin sighs when he looks at Jeno, doesn’t love the same way Chenle pumps his fist in the air when Jisung asks him to hang out, doesn’t love the same way Donghyuck points to Renjun and tells Mark that “he smells like tea tree”.
Yangyang loves the way he looks at Renjun and believes with his whole heart that Renjun is perfect for him.
“How do I love you without perfection?” Renjun ponders and sits up.
“The same way you always have, tear it apart and rebuild it better.”
My love is so old it’s tattered. My love is shredded and torn. Yet my love still stays lingering around in hopes it learns to love you better.
“But I’m too much of a normal beta to love like that.”
“You can, I don’t know,” Yangyang throws his hands in the air, “We can do non-normal things to make you an un-normal beta!”
“Like what?” Renjun turns to Yangyang and their eyes lock. It’s snowing now and some of it gathers on the top of Yangyang’s nose and the desire to kiss it grows too much.
“We betas can do unconventional beta things like,” Yangyang looks to the sky and immediately regrets when snowflakes get into his eyes, “Ouch” he says and then, “Okay uh, like I don’t know, I could bite you before marriage?”
“Marriage?”
“Did I just say that?” Yangyang rubs his eyes even more vigorously, “This isn’t a proposal haha what? Forget what I said, I said nothing, we aren’t even boyfriends yet! Wait, no, we are right? We have to be not after all of this we can’t not be boyfriends oh gosh Renjun please tell me we’re dating,” Yangyang waves his hands in panic before crouching on the snow with his face in his hands.
Renjun pats his back with his gloved hands. He isn’t sure if Yangyang can even feel him under the padded jacket but he drums his fingers on Yangyang’s back anyway.
Marriage? We haven’t even started the trials and tribulations, the pain that I know we would have to go through. And yet, it's not quite off-putting. I wonder if it’s because I know you love me, I wonder if it’s because you know I love you. That even though I’ve been shredded into pieces by my own hands, you still pick every bit with that smile on your face.
“Yes, we’re dating. Do you want to see the exhibition now?” Yangyang nods and gets up. He puts his hand out and Renjun takes it. There are too many layers between them now and the temperature has dropped but it’s warm.
Marriage?
That’d be perfect for us.
“You have way too many boxes.”
Renjun ignores Yangyang and carries them one by one up the staircase. It’s the day they are moving to their new apartment together and Yangyang complains for the most part as Renjun had initially declined the entire pack’s offer to help move.
“Why else would we have so many in our pack if you’re not gonna make use of the numbers,” Taeyong gasps and thinks it’s crazy while Kun agrees with vigorous head nods. But somewhere deep inside, Renjun thinks it’s a bit too intimate to let anyone who isn’t Yangyang see the scraps, the black-striped, cut-up bits of canvases that he has framed up.
“You know we’ll see it one day right? It’s not like you can ban us from seeing Yangyang’s apartment,” Xiaojun sticks his tongue out but Renjun will deal with it when the time comes. Maybe he’ll just take them down and shove them in the storeroom.
The sky is bright and he can hear the birds chirping like a stereotypical beginning of a children’s TV show. There are cherry blossom petals stuck on some of the boxes that Renjun doesn’t have the heart to sweep away when he carries them upstairs.
When they are almost done packing, Yangyang pulls out a small cardboard box and places it in the corner of the closet.
“What’s that?” Renjun asks as he rubs his eyes and immediately regrets it as his contact lenses shift inside his eyes.
“Oh it’s just some stuff I took, it’s kinda tattered, a little torn, yet not quite trash,” Yangyang pushes the box further in, “it’s like from way back from when we were in high school and I’ve had it for too long to throw it away,” Yangyang waves his hand dismissively, cheeks painted a tinge of pink. “It’s nothing important though.”
Renjun shrugged his shoulders and that was the end of it.
At the age of 26, Renjun dons a bite mark on the back of his neck. It’s a product of letting his footsteps go to where he wants to, even if it may seem too far away. Even the smallest steps draw the distance to perfection closer than it was before. There are some alphas, omegas, and even betas who look at him weirdly for he walks around proud without a ring on his finger.
But you see.
The thing about betas is that they are always shoved into the middle, expected to be the perfect fit for societal norms and setting the standard of what the middle is. Fall in love, get married, and then hold a mating ceremony on the same night.
Oh me? Nah, that’s not me. I’m a beta who likes to challenge the conventional course and not let myself or society be the one to bring my perfection down.
“Tilt the painting a little to the left, and…”
“Perfect!”