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“Leona-shi, what do you think happens when we die?”
No one had really expected Professor Trein of all people to have a stash of Fae wine. No one had expected Idia Shroud, also, to have the tolerance of a god. Leona, people had expected his high tolerance though very few of them realized he got wasted after one glass hours ago.
Most everyone has gone back to their rooms to pass out by the time Idia finally crosses the threshold into drunk and asks his question. Leona yawns, his tail thumps the couch cushion twice. Whenever he’s drunk he has such a hard time keeping his tail under control. Idia giggles from his place on the floor, the nest of pillows around him not at all hiding the blue glow from his hair. (At some point in time a drinking competition had started and neither Leona nor Idia had really been participating but also neither was going to drop out of it and somehow now they’ve both ‘won’.)
“Hah?” Leona grumbles.
“What do you think happens when we die?” Idia asks again. He raises a hand and waves, long fingers limply flopping back and forth. Then there’s a ‘wumpf’ as he drops his arm onto the cushions.
“What kinda die?”
“Uhi — the die die kind. Real die. Body rotting away die.”
“. . . apparently, beastmen go to the stars.”
“You rocket them into space?”
“What kind of idiot idea is that? No. They look down on us from the stars. Pretty rough afterlife, to be honest. Gotta watch all our fuckups.”
“I’m. . . well you said stars so I started thinking about jet packs and rockets. Ortho went to the stars once. . .” Idia mumbles.
“You’re drunk.” Leona laughs though as if it’s funny.
In a way, maybe it is. Sunset Savannah doesn’t have rockets. They don’t have an astrophysics department or division. Technology isn’t favored in the Sunset Savannah and many of the older council members distrust it. Leona can see why —l magic and spiritualism are easy to understand and there’s evidence of it in everyday life: the circle of predator, prey, life and death for example. But technology is strange, artificial and unpredictable.
“Yeah. . . so’re you.” Idia giggles again. “A-are you avoiding the question? It is kinda a downer. Gloomy debuff cast on the party!”
“You want to know if I believe in that?”
“Do you?”
Leona is silent for a long moment. He would probably not answer the question honestly if he wasn’t drunk. It’s habitual to move around truths — there are some, like everything to do with Ruggie that are essentially open secrets, but there are others, like how much he cares about his underclassmen or the three year long crush he’s had on Idia Shroud. (It’s hard to say exactly how deep the crush is, but over the years Leona has collections of stacked memories: Idia trying to tempt the campus cats with food and an abysmal grasp of animal linguistics, Idia’s insanely flashy summon of the violet imps that plagued the courtyard for a week, the stuttering shriek of Idia fleeing a surprise party Cater Diamond threw him, Idia’s voice coming over the tablet. It probably started because Leona couldn’t stand how short the Ignihyde — then just — student sold himself. So he needled him, insulted him, tried to push him in his own rough way and Idia only rose to the challenge when it involved some kind of game, otherwise he retreated into his own anxiety or his own room. And instead of ending when Idia had threatened to take the world for the love of his brother and his own freedom Leona had felt it go even deeper.)
“Yeah, I do.”
Idia doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t even giggle and his reply isn’t a stutter or slurred speech. “You can’t see the stars from my home. There’s no night sky on the Island of Woe, not really.”
“You’ve got that fake sky.”
“It’s an exact replica of the sky above the ocean but the stars are LED not luminous balls of gas. We can show whatever constellations we want at any time.” Idia’s voice takes on the detached tired tone he uses when he’s regurgitating a fact or doesn’t want to think about something. “. . . my parents added it a few years ago, actually.”
A few years ago.
My parents added it.
Idia isn’t a liar and neither is Ortho — not in the way that Leona is or Jade is or Jamil is. However, both of the Shrouds have an odd way of phrasing their lives in normalized ways. Ortho who tells his classmates that his parents simply ‘have busy jobs’ or that his brother went through a time of ‘not going out’ instead of revealing the depth of Idia’s depression. Of course it wasn’t any of their businesses but Idia’s similar deflections, focusing on anime or games and railroading conversations in the direction away from hard truths.
Soft lies.
Leona has always favored the harsher ones, the defense of teeth and intimidation. It’s not like soft lies ever worked for him anyway. Not even when he was a child and the servants siphoned poison gossip from mouth to mouth in the shadows but still where he could hear them.
“So, no ghosts going to the stars for you, huh?”
“You’ve met the spirits of my homeland, Leona-shi,” Idia sniggers.
“Those’re Phantoms.” Leona doesn’t protest so much as grumble. “Not everyone who dies becomes a Phantom obviously. You won’t when ya die.”
Idia’s quiet. Leona knows he hasn’t fallen asleep, his ears can pick up that much.
“Am I wrong?” Leona goads a bit. “Ya plan on Overblottin’ any time soon?”
“Maybe.” Idia sounds serious.
“What?” Leona doesn’t sit up but his tone sharpens.
“N-not like that! Not like that.” Idia hurries on but, “. . . he’s still there, waiting for me.”
Leona’s heart drops. (In the first place, he’s surprised that he can feel his heart drop, he was so certain that it died the first time Falena tried to apologize for someone else — they’re just stressed, they’re just afraid, the servants don’t mean it — instead of taking Leona’s side.) His irritation rises.
“Hah?”
“You said it, right? I’m drunk. You’re drunk. Neither of us will remember it tomorrow.” Idia slowly sits up. “So, this is like that kind of late night situation in a show where one character can pour their heart out. And the next morning no one remembers ‘cuz everyone was drunk out of their minds. And that’s really for the best. That no one remembers.”
“I’m not that drunk.”
Idia’s shoulders droop, or maybe he never raised them even as he sat up. His hair dims, but also Leona swears he can see a flicker of amber amid the blue. He doesn’t know what that color means. Some people have easy to read body language. Leona’s not an expert but he’s been able to see patterns of contempt and self-defensiveness in people around him for years. Idia’s is always strange because his posture is often defensive and full of self-contempt, not self-protective.
“Then. . . because it’s you, if you don’t mind. Surely someone like you wouldn’t care.” Idia’s hands restlessly fidget with his hair.
“If yer lookin’ for someone to confess to, try doing it without shittin’ on them.” Leona looks at the ceiling. Someone like him? That makes sense in a lot of ways. Leona’s the kind of person who has been forced to the shadows, dark secrets and dark desires thrive with him. Or, it might be more accurate to say that they fester. Leona’s the kind of person who’s too familiar with rot. “An’ without makin’ assumptions about if I care or not?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Mr. Leona Kingscholar, all aggro with no dere, all bite and no purr!”
(In Idia’s defense, several years ago, there had been an Incident in which Leona had been sleeping in the garden, Idia had been entranced by his cat ears and Leona had snapped his teeth at him. It had been, a little bit, in ‘good fun’ but apparently Idia had taken it rather seriously.)
“‘Sides doesn’t whatever Schoenheit said and what your brother said matter?” Leona’s voice is undoubtedly mocking. “Just try and it’ll change things.”
Leona wants Idia to try, actually.
Leona had wanted to try himself, so many times.
Leona had been faced with the idea of losing everything because of Idia. Back in STYX Leona had seen the other Housewardens and Jamil around him. He’d thought of Ruggie and Jack and the rest of Savanaclaw. Sunset Savannah. The acacia trees, his brother, his nephew. Leona who had thought the world had nothing for him to protect had all of a sudden thrown everything in his face. That was why he had picked up the spear.
If Idia is going to make him look at life and grab onto it again, he is going to do the same to Idia.
Idia’s reply is not ‘what do you know’ — they’re both beyond that. Even if they’ve never said the words there’s something about it, the ‘yeah, I gave up’ that permeates the air between them every time they’re together. Maybe that’s part of what irritates them both.
“. . . I know.” Idia stands up, now. He sways a little, movements uncoordinated and his hair obscures his face even more than normal. “I don’t really. . . I m-mean. It’s not going to happen, for real, but since you had said. . .
“The stars?”
“Ghosts in the stars. Is it. . . nice?”
“Nice?”
“To know they’re able to see you. . . and you’ll meet with them again when you die.” Idia stumbles over and stands in front of Leona.
“Not really.” Leona honestly replies. “The dead’re still dead. The stars are still stars. Can’t talk to them any, can’t see them, even if they can see me so what? Ain’t it painful to watch people and not be able to do anythin’ anyway?”
“. . . guess so. My HP bar’s wiped.” Idia walks past Leona, his feet dragging on the floor. “Have a few more drinks, Leona-shi, will you?”
Leona grumbles, watching Idia go, and does not have a few more drinks.
“I found out, today,” Ortho chirps over voice chat. They are only a few doors down from each other but Ortho has homework and Idia has the new patch of his MMO to grind through before exam week. “That apparently fae believe when they die they return to the stars.”
Idia’s fingers keep tapping keys but he feels his mouth hang open in shock. He must have been silent long enough for Ortho to take that as a cue to prompt a reply. “Sebek-san shared it over lunch. I thought it was very interesting! He mentioned that even though his father is human because he married into a fae family then when he dies he’ll be remembered in the stars too.”
“That’s interesting. Why were you talking about that anyway?” Idia’s skill rotation is perfect. His tone of voice is perfectly disinterested in the topic but interested in Ortho’s day. He always wants to hear about Ortho’s day, what he’s interested in, who he’s spoken to. Hearing Ortho talk about anything brightens Idia’s life.
“Briar Valley is having a commemoration next week! Sebek-san is going home for it and inviting people to go with him. He’s giving a cultural breakdown to anyone who will listen.” Ortho laughs. It isn’t a nice laugh but it isn’t a cruel one either. It’s just the kind of laugh NRC students make, the atmosphere of aggression that NRC breeds. Idia knows that Ortho has been integrating different behaviours from those around him into his performance modules. Every day Ortho becomes more and more ‘average’ in a way.
Every day now Ortho grows up a little more. It makes Idia’s heart ache in the best of ways.
“Did you volunteer? That kind of social outing I’m not specced into but your base extroversion stats are pret high.”
“Next week is that anniversary, so I told Sebek-san maybe I’d go next year. It’s an annual event.”
Right. That anniversary.
Idia hums in affirmation. He doesn’t want to think about it, not yet. Every year he gets better at not thinking about the anniversary until it happens. Five years ago he dreaded the day for months ahead of time. Now it’s out of sight out of mind until week of, usually. Every year, also, Ortho does his best to both acknowledge the anniversary and also do his part to distract Idia.
“What other raid plans did he go over?”
“Did you know it’s rude to take your shoes off when entering someone’s home? Sebek-san says it’s part of the noble traditions but I think there must be some crossover from the military history in Briar Valley also. I know that back home it you would only take your shoes off in your personal quarters but when I visited Jack-san’s hometown in the Shaftlands they did.”
“Do you think they sleep with their shoes on?” Idia jokes.
Ortho laughs.
“I could imagine it! Sebek-san seems like the kind of guy who would go to sleep in his uniform so he can wake up suuuuper early for Malleus Draconia-san.”
“That guy takes otaku to the next level. . .”
“Right? He’s a total Malleus-san stan! But all of his points are in fanboying and his wisdom stat is a dump.” Ortho sounds happy, though. Idia thinks that he and Sebek might be friends, which is a little overwhelming to consider since Sebek is loud and demanding and way too extroverted but Ortho seems to enjoy his company. In his own way. Even though last month Ortho had gleefully told Idia that he was going to destroy Sebek in a debate. This must be what they call friendly competition.
[Crimson Muscle] I do happen to know a little about fae and beastmen, why do you ask, Gloomurai?
[Gloomurai] some1 said sth abt them being similar kinda
[Crimson Muscle] Ah, well. There is some truth to that.
[Gloomurai] ?
[Crimson Muscle] There is a legend that night fae were beastmen that long ago got cursed. It’s an interesting tale that involves gods and monsters as many do.
[Gloomurai] HUh? Wat?
[Crimson Muscle] It’s surprising, right? But there are records showing that the two people used to be one. There’s also a surprising overlap in mythos and historical accounts.
[Gloomurai] Cursed???
[Crimson Muscle] Some would consider it a blessing. Legend has it that fae have such long lives because they took half of the lifespan of the beastmen.
[Gloomurai] wats that mean
[Crimson Muscle] It’s just something old men talk about around the campfire.
[Gloomurai] lololol there u go again w/ur old man stories
[Crimson Muscle] Forgive me for my impromptu history lesson.
[Gloomurai] Nah dw dw
[Gloomurai] i asked 1st
[Gloomurai] wanna q?
[Gloomurai] gear wont grind itself
[Crimson Muscle] Please, do the honors.
The Starsending goes off with only a minor hitch. Leona finds himself watching the star shower with Ruggie before they split off. Ruggie has an extra shift to pick up at Sam’s store and Leona’s previously canceled due to weather afternoon nap is back on since Ortho’s jets pushed the cloud front away from Sage’s Island. Instead of his normal garden Leona finds a quiet place near the wishing tree so he can watch the star shower as he dozes off.
He gets around twenty minutes of shut eye before he’s roused from his slumber by ungraceful footsteps and the distinct jingle of all the jewelry the Stargazer outfits have. It’s Deuce or Trey or Idia — the scent isn’t the sweet and bitter of Trey’s magic or the iron of Deuce’s. It’s Idia’s distinct cleanliness that comes from his curse. Blot reeks and magic always has a smell to it but Idia’s curse that burns blot is like a fresh breeze.
“Ya walk loud.”
“L-l-le-leona-shi!” Leona doesn’t open his eyes but he can clearly see Idia’s body language, hands raised under his chin, expression full of surprise. “I didn’t s-see you there. . .”
“Don’t step on me or get any of yer jangles caught on my tail this time.” Leona will not forget the Halloween incident with Idia’s costume.
“I won’t! That was a o-one time mistake. . .Never again. Watching my work get cut so brutally even by the handsome Leona-shi was just too much for my cosplay heart.”
“Remember it, Radish Sprout.” Leona hears the rustling of what he expects to be Idia nodding his head. “Ya really pulled it off. I didn’t think y’had it in ya.” He adds, somewhat sardonically.
“Hahh. . . what a way to say that.” Idia shakes his head. “I’m exhausted from holding it together with all those people watching and all you had to do was not even show up. You didn’t even come up with a thoughtful wish either. What was it? Meat? Isn’t there a lot of meat in the cafeteria? What was the point of going through the trouble to come out and watch anyway. The weather was supposed to be bad. Were you just here to mock me?”
“I’m here t’nap.”
“I-i-It’s supposed to rain today.”
“Thought your genius brain fixed that.”
“Fuhihi, who would have thought that science can trump weather? Even the faeries have nothing on me.” Idia can’t help but rise to the half-compliment even though Leona’s tone is sarcastic. His boast is met with a snort from Leona, one that can almost be mistaken for fond.
“Fae ain’t hot shit.”
“Definitely not.”
Idia shifts his weight back and forth a few times, the drumsticks in his hands clacking together.
“Ya gonna say something? Wanna ask what I think ‘bout what happens if you live this time?” Leona yawns as he speaks, words coming out slow and casual.
Idia almost falls over.
“H-huh?”
“Last time we talked you were all Leona-shi what do you think happens when we die, yeah?”
“T-that. . .”
“So, what happens if you live, Idia?” Leona asks.
For some reason whenever Leona just says ‘Idia’ it feels weighty. Radish Sprout is casual and definitely a derogatory nickname but Idia always feels like some kind of in-joke Idia can’t figure out. He knows enough about genre anime to figure out nicknames and honorifics even if he doesn’t have a ton of experience in real life but Leona’s too difficult to read.
“I-in. . . t-the stars, like, before. . . before, during the Age of Gods, people went to the stars, too. You can see them. Great heroes. There’s a h-horse and a bear and a woman even though her story is all about being chained as a sacrifice a-and stuff. But they also said people can be seen in the stars. I-I can point them out.” Idia starts as though he’s continuing the conversation from months ago.
“Yeah?” Leona asks. “Don’t care, t’be honest.” In that moment, with that statement he goes from a sleepy cat to a predator. His green eyes focus on Idia sharply and his tail lashes side to side. “You were all propped up on booze before, maybe, but what, you can give it but can’t take it? Thought you were a genius. Bet even that idiot fae Draconia could answer this.”
Leona knows Malleus can and so does Idia. After Malleus’s Overblot the fae had been upfront and honest about his life, about his goals, about where he wanted to take Briar Valley and the relations between fae and human. He had such big dreams and the power and position to make them happen.
Malleus is completely different from Idia and Leona.
“I don’t know.” Idia snaps. “Is that what you want to hear? To have me say, ‘I don’t know’ out loud. Or maybe you want it to go deeper. Should I say the truth? That I’m afraid? I took my one chance at freedom but not my only chance at happiness, I know. But do you also know how many times I’ve lost him?!” His voice rises more than he means it to.
Idia’s hair flickers red.
“Nah. Jus’ wonderin’. Y’know when we got back everyone’s tryin’ to make plans with you for a reason.”
“I get it, you wanted me to pay for the trouble. To make it up to you! I never wanted to do any of that, didn’t any of you get that through your thick skulls?”
“. . . didn’t want you to go off and jump into some hole again.” Leona cuts in. “Y’think Schoenheit wants to torture you after jumping into all that Underworld gunk for you? So, it’s life now. What’re you gonna do with it?”
Idia wants to say, ‘live for Ortho’, but he’s been putting that on his brother for six years now. Maybe more than that. Even when they were younger and even when Ortho had been alive Idia had found his joy for life in him, not in himself.
“I-I. . . it’s. . .”
“I dunno either.” Leona offers. “You’re some kind of real genius, once in a lifetime, full of magic and talent. Worth playin’ chess with or talkin’ to. But you’re gonna waste it. And what, people might say the same for me. Prince and all that.” He bares his teeth. “I get what ya mean. I dunno either, what to do with living.”
Idia’s hair stops being red, instead it becomes an almost aqua blue.
“Best and brightest of NRC, huh.” Idia replies weakly.
The shooting stars Ortho released in the stratosphere trickle to a stop above them. Idia finally releases his death hold on the drumsticks and lets them fall into the grass. He doesn’t need them anymore and his room really doesn’t need more clutter, especially not things like drumsticks.
“Maybe your home doesn’t have real stars, but ya got ‘em now.” Leona says and shuts his eyes. Idia looks up at the sky where one last star, somehow brighter and bigger than the rest, falls from the sky burning into nothing but a wish.
“. . . guess we’ll both make the most of it.”