Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Leo could think of more exciting places to be. He could be at the bar, getting tipsy and flirting with cute guys. He could be at home, watching Friends for the fiftieth time. He could very well be in bed. 

Instead, he’s stuck in the middle of Percy’s living room, squished between Piper and Hazel, regretting all his decisions. 

For the past fifteen minutes, the voices around Leo have only been echoing in his ears like the adults in those Charlie Brown movies. It’s all the same stuff every year - Percy hypes everyone up for the annual Secret Santa, everyone pretends to be excited to be here even though this could have been a text message, and then they all go home with new worries other than just their jobs.

Leo blinks as he focuses into the present moment. He’s not really sleeping, but even then he gets a vague sense that he was zoned out a little too hard - the scene around him feels too bright, too vibrant, too excitable. A fire crackles in the fireplace, whipping its warmth out to the inhabitants of the living room, and bright lights glimmer on the Christmas tree Percy and Annabeth set up a few weeks ago. Brightly colored stockings dangle by the fireplace, absorbing the warm glow of the fire, and despite his slump, Leo’s heart flutters with a flit of elation. He’s not one to celebrate Christmas all that much - his family never really did, except for simply ordering things online for the holidays - but he can appreciate the sight of all these decorations. He may not celebrate, but the Christmas joy certainly seeps in as December rolls around and his friends start going all-out. 

Besides, as much as he complains, this Secret Santa always lightens his mood. He likes getting gifts for people; it makes his heart feel whole, like a crack in him has mended, at least for the time being.

But he must not be giving that impression, because Piper pats him gently, an eyebrow raised. “Tired?” she asks.

“Waiting for the moment I can bolt out of here and go watch a cartoon.” Leo watches Percy, who’s currently dumping a bunch of little pieces of paper into a jack-o-lantern bucket. He’s about to suggest shows to watch when Percy claps his hands to gather everyone’s attention. 

“I’m sure everyone knows the rules by now,” Percy says, and his tone sounds much too cheery for Leo’s taste. “You put your hand in, you take your hand out, you read the name on the paper silently, you keep the paper in your pocket, and then you get them a gift. We all come to the New Years’ Eve Party and exchange gifts.” Then a more solemn look crosses his eyes. “Unfortunately, we’re missing a few people.” 

Leo’s definitely noticed that. There are only a handful of people in the room currently. The others are in various parts of the country, and some even outside of it. He would know better than anyone - one of them stole his heart and took it with him to California.

He tries not to focus on that, though. That fact always slices a knife through his heart, and he doesn’t feel like being cut open right now. 

Percy rambles on, but Leo’s focus whisks itself away from the room. He told himself not to think about Jason, yet here he is, still thinking about him. 

He should be over their break up. It was almost a year ago. It was done. 

So why does it not feel done? Why does it still feel like a chunk of his soul is missing?

He’s drowning so deep in his thoughts that he barely notices when Percy’s approached him with his much-too-bright Halloween pail. He has to shake it to get Leo’s attention. 

Leo attempts a smile and reaches in. After a few seconds of rummaging around, he pulls out a scrap of paper. Percy steps to Piper next, and Leo takes this the time to see his giftee. His lids weigh on him heavily, and for a brief moment he lusts for the comforts of his bed. Just a little longer till I can pass out, he encourages himself. You can do this. 

Suppressing a yawn, Leo fingers pry open his scrap of paper. Messy handwriting flashes underneath the various lights of the living room, and his body hums with a curious excitement. 

But when the name on the scrap of paper becomes legible to him, all his exhaustion drains out. In its place a cold, humiliating dread settles into his stomach, and he starts hitting Piper’s arm to beg for her attention. 

“What what what ?” Piper cries. 

Leo is physically incapable of answering with his mouth. Instead, he simply shows Piper his paper and flashes her with a desperate look in his eyes. 

As she looks at the name, her eyebrows unthread themselves from their irritated expression, instead turning sympathetic. Her mouth curls into a grimace.

“Jason,” she reads. 

His name only burns a hole through his ears.

Chapter Text

Jason had no idea how long he’d been pacing around for. He’d been too on edge ever since he’d checked his email that morning, walking around like an antsy mess for two hours, and it was a surprise Leo hadn’t startled awake every time he accidentally tripped over the carpet.

Jason didn’t really expect to get the internship. It was based at a law firm across the country, all the way in California. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing; of course some part of him was hopeful, but he didn’t worry too much about whether he would get in or not.

That was a lie. Of course he did. It kept him up at night, had him gnawing on his knuckles in anticipation. 

He supposed some part of him hadn’t been expecting to get the job. So when he’d woken up that morning with an email informing him of his acceptance to the firm, he’d promptly dropped his phone on his face.

Now, he risked another look at Leo, still blissfully passed out on the bed, eyelids fluttering as a dream flickered behind his eyes. The blinds were drawn down - Leo would throw a hissy fit if Jason opened any blinds before eleven - but even then a bit of sun slipped through the blinds and slashed Leo across the face, creating a gash of bright, golden light against his bronze skin.

Jason paused in his tracks. He watched Leo, soaked him in. He needed to get every taste of him he could get. 

Leo slept horrendously on the bed - one leg over the blanket (that he hogged, again, last night), and his socked foot dangling dangerously off the bed. His dark curls stuck out against the white case of his pillow. Somehow he managed to sleep like a deformed triangle and still wake up without a complaint of broken knees. It was a miracle if he hadn’t hit Jason once while sleeping.

Taking the internship meant Jason wouldn’t get to wake up to his humanly impossible shapes anymore. He wouldn’t be able to make him coffee, wouldn’t be able to see him get ready for work the next morning, wouldn't get to jumpscare him by hiding in the closet. But as much as he loved Leo, this wasn’t exactly something he could easily pass up. 

He had his decision made. The only issue was how he was going to tell Leo. 

He’d do it today. He’d definitely do it today. There was no point in waiting; just rip the Band-Aid off so he and Leo could figure out what to do. He had full confidence that Leo would support him, even if it meant having to move across the country. Leo was the one who encouraged him to apply in the first place. 

He and Leo could get through it. They usually did. 

Jason took a deep breath. Breakfast, he promised himself. Tell him during breakfast.

He did not tell him at breakfast. Instead, Leo woke up and immediately started yapping about going to the mall that evening for the Secret Santa. 

“This year has to be extra special,” he buzzed, jumping around the kitchen as he prepared a hasty breakfast of waffles and coffee. “Reyna’s going to England for her foreign exchange program, and Nico’s going to Italy in March. This might be our last Secret Santa with the whole squad for a while . We have to make sure we get the best gifts ever.” He poured a cup of coffee for Jason and slid it over to him across the counter, a grin gleaming underneath the morning sun. He tilted his head in excitement. “I’m sad they’re going away, but at least we’ve still got each other, right?” 

The coffee in Jason’s hand felt too heavy now. He set it down and looked away. “Yeah,” he muttered. “At least we have each other.” 

He’d tell him after Christmas. It was the optimal time - at least he wasn't really ruining Leo’s New Year, since it’d be a few days before the year started, and at least he wouldn’t be ruining his Christmas, since it’d be a few days after Christmas. 

Except he didn’t tell him after Christmas. The two of them went home to their families, and they were both expected to be back home by the twenty-sixth - except Jason’s flight got delayed from California to New York, and he didn’t make it back until the night of the thirtieth. By the time he made it back, he practically collapsed into the bed in exhaustion and didn’t wake up for - according to Leo - fourteen hours. 

And by the time he woke up, it was already time to get ready for Percy’s party. It was almost time for Jason to part ways with the only boy who ever truly understood him. 

He told him after the party.

It was two in the morning, and the light from the laptop screen washed them in pale blue. Fuzzy voices echoed through the speakers, but Jason and Leo barely processed the words; they were too busy getting lost in the comforting sheets of their bed. 

It was Jason’s favorite thing to do. Just to get lost with Leo, because he always found a way out when he had him by his side. 

Leo leaned his head on Jason’s shoulder, and one of his hands wriggled into Jason’s sweatshirt pocket. He claimed he felt warmer in Jason’s pocket than he did in his own, and though Jason doubted there was any logic to that, he pretended it made sense. 

Jason risked a glimpse at Leo next to him, whose features blinked underneath the blue light of the computer screen. Leo’s eyelids fluttered sleepily, his skin tinted pink, and he looked so at bliss that Jason’s heart twisted just at the sight of his happiness. How much longer could he have these moments with him?

“This is nice,” Leo murmured, and his flimsy voice told Jason that Leo was on the brink of falling asleep. “This is sooo warm. It’s like… I don’t even need a blanket. Just your sweatshirt.” 

“Are you tired?” Jason asked, and a smile brushed his lips. 

“A little.” 

“Why don’t you sleep?”

“Because it’s the New Year,” Leo said. “You’re supposed to stay up.” 

“You don’t need to.” 

“But I want to.” And Leo leaned closer into Jason’s side. He slipped his hand out of his pocket and brushed his fingertips against Jason’s under the blanket, almost as if asking permission to hold his hand. Jason’s breath hitched at the contact, but he opened his palm, and Leo gripped it tight. He took their entwined fingers out from under the blanket and stared at them for a few moments, his breathing even and quiet, as if examining a delicate, fragile, extraordinary object. 

Then he brushed his thumb over Jason’s knuckles and laid his head back against his shoulder. Jason’s neck prickled where his curls whispered against his skin. 

“I love you,” Leo sighed, and despite his tired voice, Jason knew he was more alive than he seemed. “I just want to name this new year to us. To you .” A smile slipped over him. “Because I love you.” 

Jason should’ve told him earlier. Jason should’ve been honest when he had the chance. Jason should’ve done better.

“Leo,” he said. Maybe there was something in his voice, because Leo’s soft features hardened as he watched Jason. When Jason didn’t immediately start talking again, he paused the show on the laptop and sat straighter. A long silence choked the air, haunted only by the echoes of the show just seconds ago. 

Jason took a deep breath. He slipped his fingers away from Leo’s grasp. 

“I’m…” Jason’s words tangled up over his tongue, and he took another breath, trying to compose himself. “I’m going to California.” 

Leo took a moment to respond, letting the words sink in. “What?”

“The internship,” Jason said, now turning his head to the side. His eyes focused on the image of Leo’s figure in the mirror to the left of him. It was better than looking at him directly. He was afraid that if he did that, he’d get turned to stone. “I got the internship.” 

“You… got the internship.” Leo’s words were deliberate and slow, as if tasting the idea in his mouth. His fingers flinched underneath the covers, etching to hold onto something real.

“Yeah. I got the internship.” 

Leo hesitated, and Jason could see the devastation starting to bleed into his eyes. Regardless, he offered a slippery smile. “Uh, that’s… that’s great.” 

“Really?” Jason asked, and he finally turned back to face him. His eyebrows knitted in concern. “You don’t look good.” 

Leo shook his head and run a hand through his hair. “I’m fine. Really, I am. You’re going to do great.” 

But Leo looked the opposite of fine. Jason bit his lip, trying to do something with the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over them, with all its questions still hanging in the air.

“Um, did you just recently get accepted?” Leo asked.

The dreaded question. He should’ve expected this. Now Leo would know just how long Jason had been keeping this. “No,” he sighed. “I got it… in November.” 

Leo’s eyes widened. “And you’re telling me… now?” 

“Leo, I’m sorry-” 

“When are you leaving?” An angriness whipped out of his words, and that anger sunk its teeth into Jason’s heart, biting harder and harder. Jason fought to not cry out. 

“The end of January…” 

“And you only thought of telling me now.” 

Jason opened his mouth to explain, but Leo was already stumbling out of the covers, and Jason knew what came next - the anger, the rage, the betrayal. He knew heartbreak was on the horizon.

“Honestly, Jason, you always do this. All the damn time.” Leo paced at the foot of the bed, his arms crossed across his chest tightly as if holding himself from unleashing chaos. Or as if holding himself from breaking apart. His curls flew angrily under the harsh lamp light, and his eyes blazed. His breathing ran heavy and ragged as if he was on the verge of tears. “You just can’t give me answers when I need you to. It’s always last minute with you.” 

“What are you talking about?”

Leo turned on him, and based on his expression, it was clear that was the wrong question. “What am I … What am I talking about?” Leo scoffed. “You always do this. You cancel plans at the last minute. You change your mind at the last minute. You can’t plan shit until the last minute.” Leo jabbed a finger at Jason, and the image looked similar to that of a knife going through a body. “ You can’t tell me you’re leaving until the last minute.” 

“It’s not like I didn’t want to tell you,” Jason spat. “I couldn’t find the time. Every time I tried, we were always getting whisked away to new events or things. I couldn’t find the time.” 

“Bullshit. You could’ve talked to me during the several dinners we’ve had. You could have talked to me during breakfast. You literally could have brought it up anytime.” 

“Oh, sure, Leo, I’m sure you would’ve appreciated me going, ‘Hey, by the way, I’m moving across the country 2,000 miles from you in two months, hope you enjoy your coffee!’ There was never going to be a good time for this.” 

“Sure, but did you need to bring it up during the New Year ? This really would’ve been more appreciated a few weeks ago when I wasn’t out here pouring my heart to you.” 

“It wasn’t even just about you. I was scared, too.” He got up from his bed and stood in front of Leo. “I wasn’t ready to tell you because I didn’t want to make it real that I was going to leave you.” 

Leo faltered in his footsteps. Jason caught him by the elbows gently, and as Leo looked up at him with those mesmerizing brown eyes, Jason could almost pretend that this was romantic - but it wasn’t. Because immediately Leo’s dark eyes filled with molten rage and he yanked himself away. Jason pretended not to crumble at the pain that erupted over his heart when he saw Leo hold himself away from Jason, fingers pressing against the very spots where Jason was just holding him. 

But even then, even in his contempt, a flicker of sympathy appeared in his eyes. He tilted his head away, trying to hide himself from Jason. Maybe he didn’t want Jason to see the heartache written all over him. 

Jason stood quiet.

“Then where do we go from here?” Leo spit out. 

Jason watched the overhead lights spill over his features, casting half of his face in shadows and the other half in light. Usually Jason loved to stare at Leo’s face, swim in his dark eyes, melt into his troublemaker smile. But as he stared at him now, watched the dim light seep into his skin and illuminate those features he’d fallen in love with over and over again, all he could see was the despair that resided behind them. 

All he could see was the end in Leo’s face. 

Jason sighed. “I don’t know.” 

“We can do long distance,” Leo suggested.

“I… don’t really want to do long distance,” responded Jason, and he flinched when Leo’s eyes widened in surprise

“What?” Leo asked. “Then… how are we supposed to stay together?” He looked around in bewilderment, scrubbing a frightened hand through his curls, and as his breathing hitched, as his chest billowed with more anxious breaths, as his eyes glazed with sudden tears, it all suddenly fell on Jason that this really was the end. 

“I just… I’m not sure I could do long distance for so long, Leo,” he admitted. “I’ve heard too many bad things about it. I love you too much to let us do long distance.”

“Are you fucking serious right now?” 

“Yes.” Jason shook his head. “It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I just… don’t want to fall apart that way.” 

“This is so fucking stupid,” Leo muttered, more to himself than Jason. “What are you saying? Are you just going to end it here? Are you just going to throw everything we’ve made here away out of fear ?” Leo’s breathing hitched with a repressed sob. “Where are we going from here?”

Jason’s shoulders hunched in desperation. He grasped for Leo’s fingers, which dangled so vulnerably, so delicately in the light, but Leo pulled back.  

A tense silence overwhelmed the bedroom. Leo’s fingers twitched. Jason’s chest caved in. 

“What? No answer?” Leo growled. Jason just bit his lip, and that was all the answer Leo needed. After what felt like eons, Leo scowled. “You’re a coward , Jason Grace,” he hissed. “I hope you know that.” 

And he slammed the bedroom door shut.

Chapter Text

Leo aggressively sets down the candle in his hands onto the shelf. “What good is this going to do,” he grumbles. “It’s the most basic thing I could ever think of.” 

He has no clue how long he and Piper have been at Target, but it certainly feels like an eternity. The Secret Santa is fast approaching, and Leo still hasn’t gotten Jason his gift. He figured he’d get Piper’s help on this, considering she’s been his confidant throughout the entirety of his heartache. Besides, this is the first weekend they’ve both been free, and even aside from the anxiety of shopping for a gift for Leo’s ex-boyfriend, it’s nice just getting to hang out with her. 

A contemplative expression takes over her features as she stares at the candle Leo just slammed down. Leo moves aside and throws himself into a nearby bean bag chair, sighing through his teeth. “You think I should give up and just get him a gift card?”

Piper’s eyes widen in shock and Leo’s almost convinced her eyes are just going to pop out of their sockets. “That is the last thing you’re going to do,” she threatens, pointing a dangerous finger at Leo. “I know it’s awkward, but getting a gift card is only going to make him think you don’t care about him at all.” She raises an eyebrow. “And you do care about him, right?”

“Of course I care about him,” Leo mutters. “I’m just… Like, what’s even a good gift to get your ex-boyfriend who broke up with you because he was going to move across the country? Nothing I get him is going to tell him that I want to try to make amends without making it sound like either I don’t care or I want to get in his pants again.” 

“That doesn’t have to be true,” Piper argues. “Get him something meaningful. What did he like when you two were dating?”

“We’re back to the question of making it seem like I want to get in his pants again. If I get him something that I know he liked when we were dating, he’s for sure going to think I want him back.” 

“Do you?”

“Of course I do. But I don’t think he does.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“Uh, I do, actually.” He crosses his arms. “He literally broke up with me so we wouldn’t have to do long distance.”

Piper shrugs, and now she stalks over to him, bending onto her knees to get to an eye-to-eye level with Leo. “But you don’t know what he’s thinking. You haven’t even kept up much contact. You have no idea about how he feels. There could be a chance he wants to get back together, or there’s a chance he’s ready to move on.” She squeezes Leo’s shoulder gently. “Whatever the case, all you need to worry about is making sure Jason knows you’re still willing to be friends. You just need to think of something meaningful. So what if he sees it in whatever way he sees it? The point is he’s still your friend before anything else and you want to get him a gift that’s meaningful. It doesn’t have to be weird.” 

But that’s just the thing. It will be weird, no matter how hard he tries to make it feel normal. Their current circumstances have made sure of that.

Leo and Jason tried keeping in contact for a few weeks when Jason moved out, but no doubt their break-up had too much of a tear on their relationship; it was done too soon, too quick, and their conversations rarely got anywhere because what more was there to talk about? They broke up. That was that. 

They’d been dating so committedly and for so long that Leo completely forgot what it was like just to be Jason’s friend. Leo was Percy’s work friend, and Jason his high school friend. The two met at a club for Percy’s birthday, and it just so happened both of them attended NYU. In trying to tame a drunken Percy, they ended up bouncing from the party and spending the night together. 

So it wasn’t even like they were close friends before they started dating. Their spark started too early and burned too bright for years. The moment Jason snuffed the flame, though, it was like he’d completely shut down their relationship, even the short-lived friendship they had before they fell head-over-heels for each other. 

So what does Leo even have to show he still wants to be a part of Jason’s life, even just as a friend? They were lovers before friends. At the time it was nice, but now… not so much. 

But maybe that’s what he can use this Secret Santa gift to show. That he’s willing to get to know Jason as a friend first. That would be better than anything. 

Piper taps Leo’s knee, drawing him back into the present. “Think, Leo,” she demands. “What’s something Jason used to like when you two were dating? Something that wasn’t inherently tied to your relationship?”

Leo groans and slouches further in his seat. “I don’t know… One time I got him a tea bag set and he seemed to like that. I don’t know if I want to get him something I already got him, though…” 

“Hmm,” Piper hums. “Keep thinking.” 

“I don’t know.” Leo’s mind struggles to grasp for the memories of him and Jason, trying to search for something, anything he might have liked or shown an interest in. Leo knows there were several things he liked, and yet when he needs his memory the most, it chooses to let him down. 

Or maybe it’s that he just doesn’t want to remember. Each memory that passes by him feels like a cold draft on his mind. Each touch, each smile, each ring of laughter that echoes through his thoughts sends a chill down his back. 

“Close your eyes,” Piper instructs, and Leo does as she says. Then he feels soft hands against his own. “Think. List everything you can remember that made Jason happy. Literally anything. Can be as embarrassing as possible, too. I’m not judging. I just want you to pull out everything in your mind.” 

Leo’s mouth forms a grimace. “Okay, fine… Well, he really liked cookies.” A hand lifts from his and a few seconds later he hears the incessant clicking noises of a keyboard. He smiles. “Are you making a list?”

“Might as well. Keep going. Anything at all that he liked.” 

Leo rambles on. He has no idea how long he goes for - maybe it’s been minutes, or maybe it’s been hours. It’s so easy, suddenly, to list everything that brought a smile to Jason’s face. There was just so much stuff that Jason liked, and each memory of Jason’s happiness makes Leo’s heart ring with longing. His smile is just too easy to remember. The way he’d first offer a glimpse of his teeth, then one side would rise higher as if he was half-deciding how to proceed with his smile, then the other side would go up after a second’s hesitation. He was all procedures, all the time; always plans and orders to how he moved. He was easy to calculate, and Leo liked easy calculations. It’s why they worked so well together.

Leo sighs, though he isn’t sure if it’s because he’s tired of speaking or tired of thinking of Jason. Maybe both. 

“I don’t know, Piper,” he finally says, opening his eyes. “Maybe I should just tell Percy I’m not coming. Or, I don’t know, opt out of the Secret Santa.”

“What?” Piper exclaims. “No, Leo. Come on. It’s in two weeks! You have time. And if you opt out now, Percy will kick your ass because he’s going to have to make last minute changes to everything.” 

And those words - that simple statement - are enough to make Leo’s heart start pumping with anxiety. Two weeks. He has two weeks before he sees Jason again. How has Jason been gone almost an entire year? How have they been broken up for this long? How has Leo been able to live like this?

It took Leo months just to get comfortable getting with people again, and now Jason’s coming right back into his life. How the hell is he expected to gain his composure in just two weeks? 

Piper must see the sudden panic on his face, because she tugs at his hands. “Hey,” she says, her eyes pooling with kindness. “It’s okay. I’m here to help.”

Leo offers her a wavering smile. He knows she’s just trying to help, but her kindness doesn’t do much to ease the prickling dread in his chest, the anxiety thrumming in his blood. It isn’t even just about the bear; it’s also about Jason . He’s not sure he wants to see him.

That’s a lie. Of course he wants to see him. He’s just not sure if he’s ready to see him. It’s taken so long just trying to heal from the scars that their memories have left him with; how is he expected to be around him? Everything about this Secret Santa feels like a curse from the universe. 

He isn’t even sure how he’s supposed to act. What if Jason’s totally resentful of him? What if he ignores him the entire night? Then how is he supposed to go up to him and hand him a present that could easily be interpreted as Leo wanting to come back to him? 

But what if Jason’s desperate, too? What if he wants to talk to Leo the whole night? What if he shows interest in wanting to restart their relationship? Would Leo just say “Yes” right away, because he’s desperate? Would he say “No” just to be hard to get, just to give Jason a taste of pain? 

Would he pull a Jason and run away? 

A voice rings in his ears, and it takes him a second to register that Piper’s saying his name. He blinks his thoughts away and looks up at her.

“I think I have an idea,” she says. Her eyes gleam mischievously, and that’s enough to make Leo’s gut twist in anticipation. 

“I have a feeling I won’t like it,” he groans. 

“You probably won’t.” 

“Then what is it?”

Piper grins and holds out her hand. “Do you trust me?”

“You’re the last person I trust.” 

“Good.” She grips his hand and pulls him up. “You’re coming with me.” 

Chapter Text

“Repeat after me,” Piper says. “‘I am Leo Valdez and I can do this.’”

Leo takes a deep breath.“I am a mess and I can’t do this.”

“That’s not what I said.” 

“They’re called synonyms, Piper.” Leo offers a crack of a smile and moves away from her, opting instead to check his face in his camera app. He flicks the overhead light in the car, and within seconds a dim yellow glow floods over them. “Do I look okay?” he asks.

“You look like you could kill a guy and he’d thank you for it.” 

He tousles his hair. “I think there might be some murdering tonight if it doesn’t go as well as I want it to.”

“Or you’re just a pessimist.” Piper presses a mascara brush to her eyelashes and looks at herself in the mirror. When she seems satisfied, she screws the brush back into its container and throws it into her make-up bag on the dashboard. Then she throws open her door and steps out. 

Leo looks out his own window, staring ahead at the apartment building in front of him. Some windows glow dimly with golden lights; others are completely dark. He looks to an apartment on the fifth floor, which has green and red lights still hung up from Christmas, even though that passed several days ago. That one’s Percy and Annabeth’s. 

Even in the dim lighting, he can see the barely-visible silhouettes of people in there. And, as the reality of the situation dawns on him, he realizes Jason might be in there, too. 

Leo’s heart feels heavy, too big for his own body. Dread settles to the bottom of his ribs, and the cold breeze doesn’t do much to ease the chill already pressing on his bones. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

“Now or never,” he whispers.

The first minute or so are good. When Piper knocks, when Leo shifts his gift bag into his other hand, when Percy cracks open the door, Leo can fully pretend things will be fine. In fact, things are going better than fine - Percy invites them in with a bright smile, and Leo and Piper step in tentatively. The scent of cookies and warmth and cheer tighten Leo in a gentle embrace, and he feels the skin on his body loosening. 

See? he asks himself. It’ll be fine.

But then he sees a familiar flash of blond hair striking the air, and Leo knows right then that he’s kidding himself. 

Everything about this moment feels mechanical, robotic, like a play going through its first rehearsal. First enters Jason, his steps thudding in that strange, patterned way he does: one meticulous step after the other, thudding in their predictable pattern. 

Then Jason’s eyes flash, lightning piercing his irises, and an almost surprised expression flits against his features when he catches sight of Leo. 

The next scene of this act: Jason and Leo face each other, their tension electrifying the room. Leo’s certain everyone can feel it; it’s almost like they all pause their activities just to see Leo and Jason riot in the quietest war recorded in history. 

And now the dialogue. First Jason says, “Leo,” and here’s the part where Leo’s supposed to stay quiet, to leave the audience at the edge of their seat, to make them want to hear more. So he does that; he looks around the room nervously, wondering, ridiculously, if there could be anyone else named Leo in the room. Then he meets Jason’s gaze again, and he remembers his line: “Jason!” 

At the split second, he remembers he’s still holding his gift in his hand, so he shoves it behind his back and straightens his posture. 

Jason’s bottom lip slips under his teeth nervously. “Hey,” he says. “It’s been a while.” 

Leo nods nervously. “Yeah.” 

“How are you?” Jason asks, his voice shivering with an underlying anxiousness. The sight of Jason looking so nervous sends Leo’s entire world upside down. In all their time knowing each other, Leo doesn’t ever remember a time where Jason was actually anxious around him. 

Losing Jason was hard, but Leo realizes that the worst part about losing him was that he also lost all the things that just made Jason human to him. Now Jason feels like an utter stranger. 

Leo clears his throat. “Yeah, uh, I’m good. You?” 

Jason offers a single nod at Leo, as if that was the correct answer. “I could be doing better,” he admits, and before Leo can ask what he means, he cuts him off and says, “Hey, listen, can we actually talk?”

And, again, Leo’s about to speak, but then suddenly Percy stumbles in-between them, eyes shining brightly, and he exclaims, “Jason, your cake is awesome.”

Jason’s eyes flash in surprise. He offers Percy a tight, impatient smile and says, “Yeah, thanks.” But of course Percy, being slightly tipsy, doesn’t get the hint, because he says, “You gotta give me the recipe,” and Jason starts to say, “Okay, sure, I can text it-” but Percy seems to be impatient, too, because he grabs Jason by the elbow and starts leading him to the kitchen against his will. 

Leo raises his eyebrows. He’s caught between being amused by the scene and submitting himself to the rage of the entire situation - did Percy have to steal him at this exact moment? Did he really think it was something so important that he’d need Jason now? 

Just before Jason slips into the kitchen, he throws an apologetic, desperate look at Leo, eyes pleading to be understood, but Leo remains stoic. He doesn’t want Jason to know that he’s desperate to hear what Jason could possibly have to say. 

Finally, as Jason’s blond head slips into the kitchen, away from Leo’s sight, the curtain to the scene closes, leaving Leo on the edge of his seat, anticipating what comes next.

As the night progresses, Leo finds that he isn’t as miserable as he thought he was going to be. At least, not until the Monopoly.

He probably owes it to the daze that comes with alcohol and Christmas cheer, but he’ll take whatever comforts he can. He evades Jason at every corner that he can, instead catching up with Hazel and Frank and Nico and Annabeth and everyone but Jason, and some part of him - the cruel part of him - relishes the flash in Jason’s eyes every time they meet each other’s gazes. He can feel his electric eyes on him through most of the night, feel the sparks of energy electrocuting his back and making the hairs at the back of his neck stand on end. 

Around ten thirty, Percy gathers everyone around in the living room to play Monopoly. Things seem to go normal for a bit - Jason still tries to catch his eyes, but Leo lets himself be drowned out by his greed for money. After about a half hour into the game, Leo excuses himself to get water. 

He has just about half of his cup filled when he hears Jason’s footsteps falling against the floor. He waits a second, two, listening to Jason come closer and closer, until he suddenly stops, and only a stoopifying silence thrums in the air. The trickle of water slows its stream, and Leo’s breath slows with it.

Thus begins Act II of their play.

“Leo.” Jason’s voice echoes around Leo, bounces painfully off his skin.

Leo takes a breath. Then he draws his cup to his lips, takes a slow sip, and fixes Jason with what he hopes is an indifferent gaze. “Hi, Jason.” 

“Hey,” he responds, and then he clears his throat. His eyes try to stay on Leo’s, but maybe Leo’s cold stare works a little too well, because he turns his gaze away, instead finding comfort in the granite of Percy’s kitchen island. He runs a finger over the edge. 

After he takes another sip, Leo asks, “What was the thing you wanted to talk about?”

Jason’s eyebrows jump a little. “Oh, uh… Yeah.” He hesitates a moment, then takes a deep breath and straightens his body, turning his full attention to Leo. “I just wanted to say that… I know things have been really weird between us the entire night,” Jason says, wringing his hands together. “Obviously we have some… things going on between us.”

Leo’s cheeks burn as Jason’s words slip under his skin. Is this what he wanted to talk about? Point out the obvious? Try to act as some kind of diplomat? Frowning, he asks, “Is that all you wanted to say?”

Jason blinks. “What? No. I just wanted to tell you that… I mean, I just think…” Jason stops, then groans and scrubs a frustrated hand across his face. “Okay, clearly I’m not saying this right. My point is that I just wanted to talk to you about it. Like, to see if there was something we could do better. To fix the weirdness or something. I just think we could use a little more… communication.”

Leo crosses his arms. He raises an eyebrow. “That’s funny coming from you, isn’t it? Mr. Communication?”

Pain slashes Jason’s eyes like a knife, and Leo has to pretend like the sight of it doesn’t make his own heart feel like it’s been hit. 

“I’m sorry,” Jason says, and the words come out like a wheeze, like his voice is being forcibly yanked out. The honest, painful desperation in his voice catches Leo by surprise. “I know I wasn’t fair to you by telling you that I was leaving so late. I don’t know how many apologies it’ll take before you can accept them. I want you to know that I mean every one of them, though. Honestly.” 

Jason’s head hangs from his neck in defeat, and his shoulders sag a little as if the weight of the truth is forcing him to crumble into himself. And now the crack in Leo’s heart opens a little more, in guilt, in sympathy, in sorrow. He knows he’s being too hard on Jason; he knows he’s just making his emotions get in the way. 

Leo hesitates for a moment. Then he puts his glass on the counter and picks at the corner of the granite. Without meeting Jason’s eyes, he admits quietly, “I accepted your apologies. A while ago, actually.” 

Jason’s head rises again, and there’s something in his eyes, not exactly like hopefulness but rather a look of hesitance. “You have?”

Leo shrugs. “I guess I figured it made sense. Like, I still wish you’d have told me earlier, but… I think the anger towards you feels a little petty now. I think I’ve grown out of it.” 

Jason’s eyebrows rise a little in surprise. “That’s… really great, Leo. Thank you.” 

An uncomfortable silence wedges in between the two. Leo takes another sip of his water, if only to distract himself from the discomfort of the situation. Jason picks at a loose thread on his shirt. 

Then Jason speaks up again, taking Leo by surprise. “You know,” he says, carefully avoiding Leo’s eyes, “you weren’t exactly the best hype man, either. I don’t think all the blame comes to me.” 

A hot sensation drops Leo’s chest, and he has to restrain himself from letting his jaw fall. Heat rushes to the surface of his skin. “What do you mean?”

Jason’s gaze is cold and hard, clearly trying to guard himself from Leo’s fury. “I’m just saying. You weren’t exactly the most supportive of me when I told you.” 

Leo’s eyebrows rise to the top of his head. How could Jason even have the gaul to say this? If he wanted to be on better terms so bad, why bring this up at all?

“Are you being for real right now?” Leo growls. “Like, actually? Okay, Jason, I’m sorry for getting emotional about the fact you decided to break up with me on New Year’s Day and telling me you were leaving in, like, a few weeks’ time? Sorry I was upset about the fact that you didn't even seem willing to discuss our relationship? Like, if anything, to me it seemed like you were ready to throw away everything we built together, so excuse me for being a little preoccupied? For being a little bit of an ass?”

Jason takes a step closer, and for once Leo just wishes he’d stay away. “That’s not what I mean. I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. But you weren’t exactly the most supportive of me getting that admission in the first place. You knew it was something I was waiting for a long time.” 

“What the hell is this?” Leo seethes. “You don’t think I was happy for you? Of fucking course I was. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Really?” Jason asks, eyebrows converging in the middle. “Because you had a real funny way of showing it. I guess your communication skills aren’t as good as you thought they were, either.” 

Leo’s skin pulses in rage. Jason came all this way just to give him empty apologies and tell him he was in the wrong? Is he so scared of telling him why he couldn’t handle a relationship with him?

Leo sets his glass down again, this time a little harder, and crosses his arms. He steps towards Jason, staring straight daggers into his eyes. “Weren’t you the one who wanted to talk about this ‘weirdness’ between us? If your idea of being the ‘Voice of Reason’ or whatever and come talk to me is just to tell me that I was wrong in the breakup you started, then I guess maybe we really weren’t meant to be.” A harsh laugh pierces through Leo’s chest. “You know, maybe you were right to break up with me. I thought coming back here and seeing you would be a chance to revive whatever we lost, to figure out how to make ourselves better. But I guess I was wrong to be hopeful. I guess I should’ve known you’d never change.” Leo scowls. “You’re still a coward, Jason Grace. I guess it took being away from you to realize how many more ways that could be true.” 

Before Jason can respond, Percy calls, “It’s time for Secret Santa! Everyone get your presents.” 

Leo moves to leave, but Jason catches his wrist. And, surprisingly, there’s a flash of pain in them. “Wait, Leo, let me—” 

Leo shakes his head and snatches his hand back. He fights the scorching rage coming up his throat. “Forget it, Jason,” he mutters. “Forget me .”

Chapter Text

There’s a shift in the air as Leo stomps back into the living room. He feels the uncomfortable silence slither across his skin, feels the worried eyes glancing at him nervously. But every time he connects his gaze with someone’s, they immediately look away, as if afraid to feel his wrath.

Percy, bless his soul, claps his hands to get everyone’s attention. He glances at the clock and turns to give a wavering smile to his guests. “Okay, we have an hour before the New Year. Let’s get everyone’s Secret Santa gifts to each other.”

Leo turns his gaze to a table in the corner, overflowing with colorful bags and wrapped gifts. His gaze lands on one of the bags - a gold and red one, with green tissue paper spilling over the top - and immediately dread presses down on his stomach. He doesn’t want to meet with Jason after what just happened in the kitchen. He can’t. 

He should never have come here tonight. He should’ve stayed home, should’ve faked sick, should’ve done something. He knew it would be a disaster. 

But of course he came. Because he thought there’d be a chance… A chance for what? To get back together with Jason? Jason, who was too afraid for whatever reason to carry on their relationship? Jason, who threw it all away without any explanation? 

Jason, who clearly didn’t see the same future for them as Leo did?

As he huffs over the carpet, searching for Piper, who is chatting with Annabeth by the dining table, Leo’s chest aches with humiliation. How could he ever have been so stupid? How could he have ever been so hopeful? 

Tears claw up his throat, but he fights against them. He can’t break down, not here, not while Jason is mere feet away.

He stomps over to Piper. 

She looks up at him, mid-sentence, a glass mere inches from her lips. An irritated look flashes in her eyes. “Leo, what is it? I’m in the middle—” 

“Can we go home?” Leo asks.

A frown pulls at Annabeth’s eyebrows. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Leo says, his voice tight. “I just want to go home.” Maybe that’s not the most classy thing to say to the host of the party he was invited to, but at this point, he feels too drained to care.

“But we haven’t even done Secret Santa,” Piper complains. “What’s wrong?”

As she says that, her eyes rove over his body, over his eyes, and she must see the pain in them, because then her gaze flickers to something behind Leo and a new understanding comes over her features. 

She stands slowly and sets her glass down on the table. “Sorry, Annabeth,” she says, crossing around the table, “I’ll be back.” 

Annabeth offers a concerned nod. “Let me know if you need anything.” 

Piper loops her arm through Leo’s and drags him across the apartment, past the bright lights, past the beautiful pictures and sounds of joy, past Jason, who’s clearly watching Leo. Piper leads him to the front door and out into the hallway. 

As soon as the door clicks shut behind her, she wheels on Leo and crosses her arms. Tilting her head to one side, she demands, “What happened?”

“I want to go home,” Leo says. 

“We’re not going home. I didn’t even get my present.” 

“Then give me the car keys. I’ll drive home on my own.” 

“You haven’t even given your own gift, Leo.” Piper’s eyes melt a little bit and she steps forward tentatively. She gently clasps Leo’s shoulders and peers closer into his eyes. “Hey. What happened?”

Leo’s chest feels tight, as if a chain is wrapped around his ribs and is pulling tighter and tighter. “Me and Jason had a… disagreement.”

“What did he say?”

Leo recounts the argument in the kitchen, but his head pounds as the daggers of words thrash around in his head. He can barely keep his pain at bay; his throat aches with suppressed anguish and his head pounds with guilt. 

Piper’s eyes flood with concern. “Oh, man. That’s really intense, Leo.” 

“Now can you give me the keys?” Leo demands, throwing his hand out. “I want to go home.” He feels like a child, because he’s probably said that three times now, but he thinks he deserves that right.

Piper shakes her head, and the concern that contaminated her eyes suddenly dissipates into adamance. “I know this is hard, but I know Jason. I don’t think he really means any of what he said.” 

At her words, Leo’s vision blurs with incredulity. “What ? You’re siding with him ?”

“Hey!” Piper’s hands rise in surrender. “I’m not taking sides, Leo. There is no side in this situation. I’m just saying, I think emotions were obviously running high and—” 

“I can’t believe this,” Leo mutters. “Piper, he left me. Obviously I was going to be upset.” 

“And you had every right to be! All I’m saying is, I just think you went through something that obviously hurt both of you, and you haven’t had the proper chance to talk about it, and now you’re both angry at each other. I think you just need to talk it out if you want to move on.” 

“What if I don’t want to resolve it? What if I don’t want to hear his stupid apologies?” 

“Then that’s up to you, but just stick with me the rest of the night.” Piper offers a pointed look. “Not to mention, you are his Secret Santa.” 

Leo’s chest fills with a dreadful rage, something hot and cold at the same time, something that sets a fire in his ribcage. “The last thing I want to do is give him his stupid gift.” He scrubs his face with his sweaty hands and then fixes Piper with a tired stare. “Why can’t you give it to him on my behalf?” 

Piper’s eyes glaze over, contemplating the option, and the silence pulls on the small distance between them for a moment. Then she closes her eyes and sighs. When she opens them again, her irises seethe with sympathy. “If that’s really what you want, I can do that.”

Of course that’s what I want, Leo thinks to himself. Except his heart beats emptily at the thought, and he knows he’s lying to himself. He wants to give it to Jason personally, no matter how much he hates the thought of it. He wants to show Jason that he still wants to mend the rift between them, no matter if they end up falling back in love or just staying friends. He just wants to keep Jason in his life no matter what. 

But after that fight in the kitchen, does Jason even feel the same? Maybe that was the breaking point. Maybe they really are better off not being in each other’s lives. 

As if reading the thoughts in his head, Piper raises an eyebrow. She places a gentle hand on his shoulder, the warmth of her fingertips driving the chill in his skin away. He feels at home under her touch. “You still have a chance, Leo,” she says. “Jason’s still here. If you want to see if there’s anything you can do to fix things with him, then I think it’s worth sticking around. Who knows when the next time you see him will be?” She squeezes gently. “If you want to go home, then go ahead. But I know you want more. If your conversation with him goes even more explosive than last time, at least then you’ll know maybe it’s not worth mending things with him.” 

Piper’s words wrap around Leo’s brain, squeezing hard to obtain meaning from them. His chest pulses with confusion and anticipation. Should he leave? Or should he listen to Piper and take another chance on mending things with Jason? 

She’s right, though. Leo still wants to try. He still wants to see if Jason’s worth it, and most of all, he wants to prove to Jason that Leo ’s still worth it. 

Leo sighs. He closes his eyes and, taking a deep breath, whispers, “I’ll stay.” 

Though he doesn’t open his eyes, Leo can almost hear Piper’s smile on her lips as she says, “Let’s go back inside.” 

The warmth of laughter bounces on Leo’s skin as he and Piper come back inside. Immediately a blast of heat and comfort wraps over them, and for a fraction of a second, Leo’s glad he’s decided to stay. Even if talking to Jason might lower his mood, he’s glad to be spending the New Years’ with his friends.

But when he catches a glimpse of blond hair in the living room, he’s suddenly reminded of why he wanted to leave in the first place. 

Jason’s sitting on the couch now, talking with Percy. Percy has an animatedly excited expression on his features, but Jason looks the complete opposite; his eyes are glazed, and the smile on his lips flickers like a dying candle. Leo notices his hand shakes a little in his lap. If Percy notices his discomfort, he says nothing. 

But Leo notices. 

He doesn’t go over immediately. He needs to clear his head before he decides to talk to Jason again, and maybe Jason needs the same. He decides to follow Piper around, who first goes to her own Secret Santa, Frank, and then returns to Annabeth to discuss plans for a plan to go thrifting, and then Hazel joins, and the conversation just continues. Leo feels like a child at an adults’ party, following her around like this, hanging back as they discuss whatever it is they discuss, but he’d rather be here than face Jason again. 

It isn’t until 11:36 that he decides he’s ready - or rather, prepared to get it over with. 

Leo tiptoes over to the table full of Secret Santa gifts, leaving Piper to go off on her own. He reaches for his gift for Jason - the gold and red one - and takes a deep breath. The bag quivers in his fingers. 

What if he just left it on the table? What if he just left this house and never confronted Jason? What if he just left any chance of reconciliation here in favor of his heart’s own safety? 

He’s definitely tempted. 

But Jason matters more to him than his own heart. At this point, he doesn’t know if that’s the best decision - maybe it says more about how pathetic he is than about how much Jason really means to him. But he’d much rather try to keep any line of connection with him than completely skip out and ruin his chances at keeping Jason close. 

So Leo gathers his courage, and he creeps over to Jason. 

Percy’s gone now, and the space next to Jason is empty. But the way that Jason’s sitting, with his shoulders slumped and eyes glazed as he stares at his phone screen, the space next to him seems almost void, like he’s sucked up any semblance of life in his small corner of the couch. 

Leo’s heart tugs down at the sight of him.

He clears his throat, capturing Jason’s attention. First Jason’s eyes catch on his shoes, then travel up his legs and finally meet Leo’s face, and in those few milliseconds that it takes for him to recognize it’s Leo, his entire demeanor changes. Jason scrambles into a straighter position, a nervous flush stinging his skin. 

“Hey,” he says. 

Leo gestures to the empty seat next to Jason. “Can I sit?”

Jason just scoots over a little, even though it’s not necessary, and nods his head. As Leo makes himself comfortable - or uncomfortable - he makes note of the way Jason’s body shivers slightly, the way his red flush starts to creep up to his ears, like red paint bleeding in water. 

At least Leo isn’t the only nervous one. 

Leo considers letting the silence between them stretch on, to extend until the end of time, but instead he decides to dive right in. “So,” he mutters, “I guess the universe thought it would be kind of funny if I got you as my Secret Santa. Bet some Super Being of the Universe is laughing their ass off right now.” 

Jason’s lips flicker into a smile, then turns off. “That’s really a huge coincidence.” 

Leo nods. And then a beat of uncomfortable silence passes. Leo recognizes Jason’s expectant eyes glancing at his bag, and a startling wave of embarrassment drowns him over. “Oh, right.” He holds the gift bag out to Jason. “Here you go.” 

Leo watches him warily take it, waiting for Jason to just drop the bag and let their relationship come crumbling down. Every breath feels like a noose around their future; with one slip up, the rope tightens and destroys any chance of them being something beyond whatever radioactive mess they are now. 

Time ticks by too slowly as Leo anticipates Jason’s reaction. Every nerve in his body screams for him to just snatch the gift back, to give Jason some lame excuse about needing to leave and then running halfway across the country just to never see him again.

But as the seconds proceed, as Jason’s fingers itch along the tissue paper, Leo restrains himself. He can do this. He didn’t come all this way, expend this much energy, spend so much time if he didn’t want for this to happen. 

Leo’s heart trips in his chest as Jason’s fingers tighten over a head of fuzz. He chews on his bottom lip, anxiety heating his skin as he watches. 

When Jason finally pulls out the teddy bear, Leo watches his eyes betray his variety of emotions: first a flit of confusion passes him, then a spark of surprise, and then, finally, excitement in its purest form. His eyes sparkle with excitement. 

“Oh my god,” he gasps. “You didn’t.” 

Leo shrugs. 

Jason holds out the Build-A-Bear to show Leo, though Leo doesn’t even need to see it to know what he’s grinning at. “It’s Lightning McQueen-themed! You literally did not.” 

Leo laughs slightly - incredibly slightly, because he can’t afford to give Jason that satisfaction - though it feels almost foreign. “It wasn't all me. Piper helped. But I know how much you like the Cars movies.” 

“Dude,” Jason whispers in astonishment, gazing at the stuffed animal again, holding it at arm's length. Leo’s heart flutters at the excitement in his eyes. Then he clamps it right down, because he remembers that he’s angry. “I can’t believe you found this.” 

“That was a limited edition,” Leo explains. “When I found it, I was like, ‘Jason would so dig this.’” 

“You were so right.” A low laugh echoes from his chest. “It’s been a while since I’ve gotten one of these bears.” 

At the sight of Jason’s excitement, something giddy and joyous blooms in Leo’s heart. For a second he can almost forget that he and Jason are broken up and haven’t talked in months. He can forget that they had any rift at all. It feels so natural, talking with Jason like this; it feels like a piece of his heart has returned to him. He can just pretend like he and Jason never lost each other. 

But, of course, that joy is short-lived.

As Jason holds the bear out, the ecstasy in his eyes dims away, replaced by a new somberness. He lowers the gift - perhaps unconsciously - and looks down, almost like he’s ashamed. Leo’s heartbeat falters in his chest. Every cell in Leo’s body lurches to an immediate stop, sending him into a sudden stillness. Even his heart doesn’t echo. He feels completely locked in himself, trapped by some imaginary chain that Jason has on his soul. 

“What?” Leo asks. “Is something wrong?” 

The somberness that contaminated Jason’s light eyes gives way to seriousness. He averts his eyes from Leo and frowns, and Leo notes the way his fingers clench into the bear. 

The oxygen in the air pulls as Jason takes a deep breath. “Okay,” he says, and he squeezes his eyes shut. Then he blinks them open and fixes Leo with a hesitant blue gaze, anxiety swimming in the icy waters of his irises. “I just want to start off by saying… I’m sorry that I barely gave you time to process it. Moving away, I mean. I’m sorry I just… told you so late.” 

Leo’s heart sinks into his chest. He shakes his head and looks at the empty space between them on the couch. It’s never looked farther. 

“It’s okay,” Leo mutters. “That was a little bit annoying but it’s not the biggest reason I was upset.” 

Jason frowns. “Then what was?”

Leo shrugs. “The fact that you weren’t willing to give us a shot? That you hadn’t really considered asking me what to do about us with the distance?”

Jason’s eyes glaze over, almost like a shell is hardening over himself as he considers what to say. He doesn’t look apologetic anymore; he looks like a soldier, preparing for war. “Oh.” 

Leo frowns. “Is that… your only response? ‘Oh ’?” 

Jason’s jaw clenches, tightening his unspoken words in his throat. His silence echoes in the space between them, and while Leo thought that distance felt too long just seconds ago, he suddenly feels the space is much too minimal. He can almost see the anxiety beading on Jason’s body like sweat. 

Leo tilts his head and narrows his eyes in judgment. “So, like…” He makes a rolling gesture with his hands, indicating further elaboration. “Is there a reason, or am I just supposed to accept your ‘Oh’ like it’s good enough?”

Jason picks at a thread on the sofa. “I don’t know,” he mutters. “It was just… I just wasn’t ready.”

“For what?”

The hesitance starts to feel acidic as it lingers around them. Leo knows Jason’s never liked being in the spotlight like this, but maybe that’s more the reason to do it - he needs to know the truth from Jason, not some elaborate, complicated answer that stretches on in silence. 

Because that’s all Jason’s ever been good at. Hesitance. Every time something came up, he’d hesitate in his excuses. It would never be a straight answer from him. 

Leo just wants to know that Jason’s willing to tell him. 

“I guess… I guess just for us to be so far apart,” Jason offers, but the thinness of his voice indicates to Leo that it isn’t the full answer. There’s more to it. 

“Well, yeah, I understand that,” Leo says. “But why weren’t you willing to give it a shot at least? Or even just… talk about it?” Leo averts his gaze to scrunching up his shirt, if only to avoid Jason’s gaze. “It’s just… it felt like when you broke up with me that you were just so ready to let go of us. Like you wanted to leave me behind.” 

Jason nods as he takes in Leo’s words, then bites his lip, chewing his way through his thoughts. “I can see why you thought that,” he admits finally. “I don’t think it was that, though.” 

Leo can’t help but to notice that he isn’t denying what he said, either. He tips his head skeptically. “Then what was it?”

“I think it was really just about this fear of the possibility that I’d just have to sit back while I lost you,” Jason admits, and now it’s his turn to play with his T-shirt. “I think at the time, I thought it would be better to let you go then instead of just… watching it happen slowly. I think I thought it would hurt less, like when you rip off a Band-Aid super fast so that it hurts for a second and then it’s over with. I thought I would hurt less that way.” 

“Did it?”

Jason shakes his head so immediately that his face starts to look like splotches of watercolor paint. “I was so incredibly wrong, Leo. It only made missing you worse.”

“Really?” Leo has to fight to tie back the excitement at hearing that. But something about knowing that Jason was hurting just as bad as he was gives him some sort of hope, like maybe he isn’t alone. Maybe he never was. “Why?”

“It was like… God, I don’t even know.” Jason closes his eyes tightly, and his face scrunches like he’s in pain. “There were so many times I’d be doing something, and all I’d want to do was spring out my phone and text you, and then I’d remember that I couldn’t. Or I’d see something that I know you’d have loved or made some sort of joke about and then I’d get sad for the rest of the day.” He shakes his head. “I thought just letting you go would make it easier. I thought it would hurt a lot if it turned out that we couldn’t manage long distance. But, honestly, I think having you at a distance would have been better than not having you at all.” 

Now Jason’s looking at Leo with his full gaze, blue eyes so intent on him that they’re barely catching the overhead lights. All Leo can see are the miniscule reflections of his own eyes in Jason’s irises.

Leo doesn’t know how to respond to that. He doesn’t know what to say. Isn’t this exactly what he wanted to hear? That he couldn’t live without him? That he was in his thoughts every waking moment of the day? Then why does it feel so… uncomfortable? 

Leo takes a deep breath. “Did you ever see anyone else?”

Jason seems a little taken aback by his response, but he chooses wisely not to comment on it. He shrugs and says, “I tried. Honestly, our break-up had me so down it was so hard to talk to anyone, and I still don’t want a relationship with anyone. I did try going out with people every now and then but they just… never worked out. I just couldn’t stop feeling like I was… I don’t know… stomping on your grave?” He pauses, then winces at Leo. “What about you?”

“Same,” Leo mutters. “But it wasn’t fun, Jason. It was like you’d stained everything in my life and it sucked.” 

“I’m the same.” Jason frowns. “I couldn’t do anything without thinking about you.” 

Leo’s chest warms at the sound of those words. He’s glad they’re on the same page on that, at least.

“I still love you,” Leo murmurs. 

“I do, too.” 

“But it’s so unfair, Jason,” Leo groans. “Like, you left with barely any explanation, and I’d been paranoid for the longest time. I didn’t know if maybe I’d done something that made you ready to leave. I wish you’d been more honest with me.” 

Jason nods. “I know. I’m sorry, Leo. I think the reason I was just so off about it was because… I didn’t really know myself. I didn’t know what I wanted, or what to expect. The entire situation was just so new. I just didn’t want either of us getting hurt in the process, and I think I was trying to be so careful of that that in the end it kind of fucked both of us.” His lips jut out into a pout, and Leo has to physically restrain himself from kissing him right now. “I’m so sorry, Leo. Truly. I want you to know I never meant to hurt you.” 

Leo’s lips melt into a watery smile and he pats Jason’s hand. “It’s okay. I forgive you. And I think hearing all of this makes a lot more sense.” 

“Okay.” Jason smiles. 

The two of them sit quietly for a moment. Leo stares at Jason’s hand, at the paleness of it gleaming in the fluorescent lights and the slight scars raised above his skin, from various mishaps throughout his life. He wonders if there are new scars on his body, ones he’d gotten accidentally in his time in California. 

He wonders if he’ll ever get the chance to look for them.

“Guys!” Percy calls, and both Leo and Jason whip their heads to the sound of his voice. “New Year in T-minus ten minutes! Get ready!”

Jason smiles at Leo, then stands and tugs on his hand. “Come with me. I actually have something to show you.” 

Leo glances at the hand pulling on his, glowing like moonlight. It’s just as warm and strong as he remembers. Maybe this was one of the things Leo missed most about Jason, how he held him with so much purpose, so much intention. Like he intended to hold onto Leo for a long time. 

Leo smiles and joins him, but his stomach tingles in anticipation. Jason stops at the gifts table, snatches a bag, and then leads the two of them past the living room, where the rest of Percy’s guests are now getting gathered around. Everyone’s voices bubble in the air, words popping with excitement for the new year. 

Jason slides open the door to the balcony and steps out. Leo grimaces as the breath of cold, prickling winter brushes his face, and he groans at Jason.

Jason huffs a laugh, and Leo watches the laugh rise into fog in the air, floating into the big, wide night sky above them. He steps out and folds his arms across his chest, if only to try to keep even a degree of warmth in his skin. 

Jason rests his arms against the rail, and Leo follows him, despite all his cells screaming for him to go back inside. But when he sees Jason staring at him, his blue eyes brighter than any of the stars outside right now, his skin more illuminated than even the moon, a new warmth sinks over him, travels even thicker and slower than the heating inside. And it travels further, blooming in his face all the way down to his feet. 

Jason holds out the bag he snatched from the table. The warm light peeking through the balcony door illuminates the red sparkles, held together by a sheer yellow ribbon. The bag is a little heavy, just a little wider than Leo’s hand as he takes it from Jason gingerly, watching him with slight incredulousness.

“Wait,” he murmurs, “am I your Secret Santa?”

“No, you’re not. Mine was Percy.” Jason smiles. “I actually got this for fun. For you.” 

“Did you know you were going to see me here?”

“Well, yes, because Percy told me who he’d invited.” Jason steps closer. “But even if I hadn’t, I would’ve tried coming to see you to give it.” 

Leo’s eyebrows rise slowly. “Even if we weren’t talking?”

“I’ve had it for a while.” 

Leo gives him a quizzical look, then takes it into his hand. He shakes it gently. “What is it?”

“Find out.” 

Leo takes a seat on one of the patio chairs and sets to work opening it. It doesn’t take long until he dips his hand and, underneath the few layers of tissue paper, his fingers slip against something cold and ceramic. He pulls out a white coffee mug and twists it around, only to find words written on it: I HAVE POTENTIAL. And, to tie it together, an image with a ball at the top of a ramp. 

“This,” Leo says, “is the stupidest thing you could have ever given me.” 

“You love it.” 

Leo smiles. “I wouldn’t say that. I just find it… corny. In a funny way.” 

“It’s big,” Jason says, taking it from Leo and showing it off. “Which means it can help your unhealthy caffeine obsession.” 

“It’s a perfectly normal amount of obsession.” He takes the mug back, but he doesn’t move his gaze from Jason’s. “Why did you get me this?”

“I don’t know,” he says. “I just saw it at the mall once in California and I was just so painfully reminded of you and I knew I needed you to have it. I needed a reason to see you again.” 

Leo is quiet for a moment. He hears Percy call from inside that there’s seven minutes left, but he can barely find the energy to make his way back inside, not when he and Jason are having this moment.

“Jason,” Leo murmurs, “where do we go from here?”

“I’m not sure.” Jason takes Leo’s hand. “I just know that I can’t be without you. I’m not ready to let you out of my life just yet.” 

Leo considers that - just yet. It reminds him of the idea of “wrong place, wrong time.” He always thought it was interesting how the saying also implied that there was a right place and a right time for something, and now he wonders, turning Jason’s words over and over in his head, maybe there’s a right time to let someone go. Maybe you just know you need to let them go, just like when you realize you love someone. And Leo realizes that that moment never came when he was with Jason - it never felt like he needed to let him go. Not then. Not right now. Not since they broke up. Yet they did let each other go, and look where it landed them - coming right back to each other.

“I like that,” Leo says. “Just yet. Like maybe there’s a future where we’re not in each other’s lives, but it’s not now, and that’s all that matters.” 

Jason tilts his head at him. “Why do you look like you have a ‘but’ hidden in there somewhere?”

Leo blinks a few times, trying to force the words to come to his mind. “Look, Jason, I obviously really want to be with you. I think you do, too. But it’s just… we broke up so suddenly, and it definitely hurt both of us a lot. I don’t really understand how we’re supposed to just continue where we left off because we kind of just jumped off a cliff. So where do we go from here? How do we move on?”

Jason frowns in consideration. “You’re right,” he sighs, nodding contemplatively. “It’s not like we could ignore what happened, because I’m still going to be half-way across the country, and we can’t really start where we left off either because we’re already in such different places.” 

“Yeah.” 

From inside, Percy calls out that there’s four minutes until the New Year. Yet here Jason and Leo still are, glued to their past. 

“Maybe we should just start over,” Leo suggests. “We won’t pretend it didn’t happen, but maybe this time we can just… take it slow. Not rush into dating. Just talk, get to know each other more, get more comfortable with where we are now. And maybe we’ll get back into it if we’re ready.” Leo shrugs. “I don’t think I’m ready to dive into anything with you. But I want you in my life, Jason, really. I can’t imagine it without you, regardless of whether we’re together or not.” 

Jason nods and steps closer to Leo.  “I feel the same,” he says, turning his eyes downwards. “I can’t lose you. Not like this.” 

“Three minutes!” Percy cries from inside. “If your ass isn’t here, I’m uninviting you next year.”

Jason glances inside, then smiles. “Sounds serious.” 

Leo snorts. “So,” he says. “What should we do now?” 

“I guess… we go inside?” 

Leo takes a look through the door, where people are starting to gather, all of them staring at the TV screen in anticipation. All of them coming together, holding each other in familiar arms. And he wonders how it would be to be in Jason’s arms, too, right now - would they ever feel as familiar as they once did? 

Could they find a new type of familiar?

Leo nods. “You go ahead. I’ll meet you inside.” 

“Yeah. Okay. Sounds good.” He offers Leo a hesitant look, then swings open the balcony door and slips inside, back into the warmth.

Leo looks out the balcony, at the bright dots of stars winking at him. He knows that, in two minutes, they’ll be the same stars there. But once the clock strikes midnight, once he and Jason introduce themselves again, these stars will be the last things to carry the old version of them. 

He stays out here a minute. Just to feel the oldness of them, the familiarity of Jason. Just to take one last breath of the past year.

Then he steps back inside.

Piper sidles up to him and smiles. “What did you two talk about?” she whispers, eyes blazing brighter than the stars outside. “Jason came back in looking pretty relaxed.” 

“Later,” Leo responds, jutting his head to the TV screen, which displays fifteen seconds left. 

Piper grins at him and pinches his arm cheekily, then pulls him into the crowd. Leo joins her, jumping in with the rest of the chorus as they count down the seconds. 

When the ball drops, and explosions of lights overcome the night sky form New York, and everyone’s cheering and kissing and hugging, Leo is painfully reminded of the last year. He thinks about how few of them are at this party now, how lonely the past few months have felt, how he’s not wrapped up in Jason’s arms. But then he thinks about how, even with all that happening, he still made it through the year. He still survived, beyond everything.

Then he feels something brush against his arm, so he looks up and sees Jason smiling at him, eyes flashing with the reflections of the TV. 

“Hi,” he says, his lips pulling into a slight smile. “Happy New Year, Leo.”

Leo smiles. “Happy New Year, Jason.”