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The rain falls hardest the first time you truly feel alone.
There's differing types of being "alone". Alone with your thoughts, alone by yourself, mentally or emotionally alone. Every type of loneliness there can be, you feel it in that exact one moment. The moment ends up so fleeting however that instead of focusing on why you're lonely, you focus on wanting to feel that rush again, instead of the hollowness you're left with in being alone.
You get addicted to that loneliness. It helps to keep the real pain away.
The harsh freezing rain didn’t bother me. The rain was my friend, blocking me from walking those last few steps to the old building. Stars, I couldn't even see it as a home anymore.
It wasn't home. Not without him.
And like a thoughtful and toxic friend, the rain froze on my face, not even wanting me to look at the house. No lights were on inside, so it was going to be just as cold as the outside storm. I couldn't face it and partially didn't want to face it either.
So why was I here?
"This one says to Marcus! From... Grandpa?" Krystal said, holding up a small green gift-wrapped present, a cheerful smile falling into a quizzical frown as she read the tag.
"Ooo, ooo! I have a Grandpa? Can I see it?" the little blue kit squealed more than asked. He raised his arms, his fingers more interested in the tag itself than the box.
"Grandpa? But I already gave my-" said Peppy Hare, popping up right behind me before whispering, "...Fox, what are you doing? He's going to ask questions!"
"Relax, it's nothing real big. Just something I found in my old apartment's storage I kept around," I tried to calm him down.
"From 'Grandpa'? What did you find?" Peppy whispered.
"An old keepsake…"
I knew I was certainly catching a cold after staying in that freezing rain like that. I wish that walking into that old place, hearing the wood floor creaking, and seeing the paintings and pictures of everyone had a nostalgic feel to them, but that candle of hope was long since snuffed out. Instead, when I walked in, every single feeling got left behind in that icey wash outside. I walked in as an empty shell and felt like one too.
I even hoped that I would hallucinate something like our house being full of people and life, just so the silence wasn't even more deafening than the storm outside.
No hallucinations, no psychosis, no dice. Just me in an empty and all but wishing-to-be-forgotten home. Waiting for nothing, I trudged up the steps towards my room, with even the old creaky handmade stairboards not bringing me anything but additions to the silence.
That's what I hated most, y'know? The silence. For how much you were a hero, once you were gone, you were gone with a whisper. Poof. My dad was dead, and all the military did was a sorry and a shoulder pat.
That sadness was growing into anger. When I took those last few steps up, I couldn't help but almost break into my room in an intense burst, the ice on me melting by sheer force. My mind had kept it shelved in the back all this time, but the closer today's date came and the closer I got to it, my mind betrayed my heart by reminding me of that damn box.
I took the present in my hands, smiling at Krystal to assure her. "I've got this..."
I leaned down towards Marcus, holding his present in my hand. "Yes Marcus, it's from Grandpa, my daddy. He ain't around, but I think he would want you to have this," I said, handing over the box.
My kit slowly took the box. I don't think he was scared or tired, but just intensely interested. Whatever lay inside was something he didn't know, from somebody he didn't know.
It was already past midnight, didn't even know Krystal had this sort of tradition, but it beats having to wait until the morning to open our presents at this time. The fireplace blazing, the weather outside snowy but blissful, and the Solstice tree shined as everyone enjoyed their night in our new house on Sauria. Everyone was here from the old team, including all their new families, with a happy coincidence of Bill being a nephew-in-law of Pepper and bringing that whole big family with him. Peppy Hare was ol’ Santa Claws for the kids, though they saw through “Uncle Peppy” and just played along.
Marcus couldn't help but shake the box, and I thanked the stars I had the foresight of bubble wrapping that old thing. "What is it?" he timidly asked.
I couldn't help but smile. "Why don't you open it and find out?"
Just open it, look inside, toss it in the trash, and go back to the apartment.
I was thankful to Peppy that he let me go back to my father's place, but now I wished he hadn’t. Maybe he'd give me some speech about how I need to take better care of myself, not staying out in the freezing rain, and mentally killing myself over this small box. Even little Lucy didn't fight me about going outside, and she's the one who’s playing nurse for me. I guess she somehow thought better and saw how much I needed to hurt myself thinking of my dad again.
I sat on my old bed, still feeling incredibly cold, but my attention was on the small auburn red box in my hands. He gave this box to me long before today and told me to open it at Solstice. Said it was a really good present that he couldn't wait to open with me before he left for his last mission.
Even now, I hate that he said he'd come back before Solstice.
I heard the storm grow even more intense outside, the rain all but pounding at my window, like the universe was telling me it was what I deserved. A single box. One last present from Dad. One last moment of happiness before I faced cold freezing reality.
I took one last deep breath. Something else drew me here in the first place. My heart said it was tired of crying, my brain said I was missing Peppy's Solstice party. I felt like a machine opening just any other can or container, instead of opening a present.
My arms shook as I tried to open it. My entire body went numb, whether out of dread or frostbite because all of a sudden it felt like I was standing in the middle of the Arctic Circle with how cold it got. Honestly, it was the coldest moment of my life.
I wanted to throw it away, run back to Peppy's, and never come here again. Dad left me. He left me and Peppy and everyone else, and now I'm all fucking alone! Mom's dead, Dad's dead, Peppy can’t even speak much to me! There's nothing in this damn box that I didn't want to see! I'm a fucking orphan with no family anymore!
So why was I so afraid more of what was in this box than of anything else in my life? I've long known that my father was into some dangerous missions, that's why he always had one last word with me before he left each time.
If I open this box, it will be THE last word. The last thing he would ever say to me. I wasn't afraid of the box, I was afraid of saying goodbye. Couldn't say it even at the funeral, but this would be the last time I could say it.
So I tipped the box over, and I saw it.
"Oh cool! It's just like yours, dad!"
Marcus held up the small sunglasses. He may have gotten his furs from his mom, but he certainly takes a lot more of his looks from me. He unwrapped the bubble wrapping to see that they were more than just some sunglasses. Custom-made aviators, or at least aviator-to-be. He tried to put them on, but they slid around too much on top of his muzzle. Marcus had to keep still and his head straight to make the glasses work.
I leaned down to him and took his glasses off. I could tell he was quietly getting angry that he couldn't wear the glasses like I could, but that was okay. It meant the same lesson I had to learn when I got them. "Hey hey, don't slide em around. Here, keep em here instead for now," I said, closing one end and slipping the other end down at the middle of his neckline.
"Aww... but I wanna wear them like you do!" Marcus complained, pointing to my glasses. I reached down to my neckline and took them off me, flicking them in my hand like I saw Dad open them long ago.
"Here, grab yours out again, lemme show you something," I said, thinking of a good way to make this a happy moment for Marcus. He grabbed his glasses off his neckline and followed my fingers as I closed my aviators and held them out. "Make sure your thumb had a good grip on here and then..."
Flick! With a quick shake right at my wrists, I popped open my glasses once more. I gestured to him to copy it. Marcus focused his grip on his glasses as I showed him before flicking it the same way with his wrist. First try for him, already got it. The small saddening face returned to a happy one as he copied the cool move I did. "Whoaaaaa, dad did you see??"
"I saw it, yup! You might not be able to wear those yet, but you're gonna be soon," I said, smiling proudly as I ruffled his hair, seeing him flick the glasses again a few more times.
"...Dad? Who’s grandpa?" Marcus asked, suddenly stopping with his glasses to look up at me. I saw Peppy to my right have his heart drop, but I was prepared.
"He's the one that gave me those same glasses, years and years ago. For a Winter Solstice present too. He was a pilot, the first one of us, and he always wore his aviators everywhere, even indoors," I replied calmly. Don't know if Peppy could see it but I held a thumbs up behind my back to let him know I got this.
"What are avee-a-tors?" Marcus innocently asked.
"Oh, it's these kinds of sunglasses," I answered, pointing to my glasses and his with my other hand.
"But you don't wear them everywhere, just when you go flying!" Marcus exclaimed.
"...Yes, because I don't need the helmets that help keep the sun off my eyes with my plane. But with Grandpa, he wore them everywhere, it was his look. With his shades, Dad had to let you know he wasn't any pilot, he was THE pilot!" I replied. As if I practiced it, I started to talk about Dad to my son. James McCloud, now a grandfather too. I'm sure if anything, Peppy was smiling behind me as he heard me talking about his friend. It wasn't long before he came into the conversation about how he flew right beside my dad. Then Peppy really got into it, mimicking the sounds of dogfights and firefights as he entertained Marcus and now some of the other kids who started to listen in. Throughout it all, Marcus held on to the glasses, staring down at them with what I hoped was wonder and excitement.
He would remember tonight. Just like I remembered that first Solstice without Dad.
They were sunglasses. A small pair of aviator sunglasses. The same type he would wear everywhere.
That’s it? That’s the last present? A smaller version of your glasses? Fuck it, I’ll throw these glasses in the trash, cuz I’m sure that’s what the enemy did with yours!
Unless… you knew. You knew you weren’t coming back, so you left something of yourself behind. Something that would remind me of you.
Did you know that it would be your last mission, so you left me these so I could always remember you? Did you want to come back and then finally start teaching me the trade, so I could grow up and take over Star Fox?
You weren’t here to tell me, to say that everything is alright, to answer my questions, to help me with homework. Now I gotta do it all on my own. All on my lonesome. I looked back to the aviators in my hands, seemingly gleaming just like yours. I idly remembered a trick you used to do, since I would see you do it whenever you needed to get serious; I gripped one of the handles and flicked my wrist, and the aviators snapped open, just like you would do.
Somehow, I was still learning from you.
I finally stood up from the sopping-wet bed. I could hear some of the raindrops still falling on the floor, melting as the freezing ice that stuck to my body. There was a mirror on the other side of my bedroom door, and I closed it out of curiosity about how I looked. Staring back in the mirror was… me.
Everyone said I looked just like you, but even when wearing aviators, here I was staring not at you, but just me. A sopping wet and cold vulpine, hiding his bloodshot crying eyes behind a pair of darkened glasses.
But that was also me. This is me. I’m Fox McCloud now, not just “James’s son”. But while my father isn’t here anymore, I am. I remember everything he taught me, everything he wanted to show me, everything he wanted me to be happy for. And the last thing he left me was something of himself that he wanted to see in me. Everyone else might be gone, but I’m still here.
I had two questions about these glasses, and neither it nor my father could answer them. But I can live with that. I can still live. And I can live on remembering my father with these glasses, because I know he would want me to live on. Besides, someone’s gotta keep an eye on Peppy after all.
I turned back towards the box, sitting beside the bed, coincidentally where I had left it last time I was in my room. He wanted to open it with me, and in a way, he has, if supposedly I still look a lot like my father. “Thanks, dad,” I uttered, my voice croaking but otherwise still out loud. These glasses were my last present from him, my last memory, my last Solstice with him.
And I’m going to make it count.