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How do you cope?
It was a question that Kai found himself being asked quite often. In between tight-lipped smiles and clammy hands, the response was always similar - he goes to his teammates. They’re sweet, they’re kind, they’re the best thing that Kai could ever ask for, and it isn’t a complete lie that they uplift his spirits through the difficult moments. Yet, as much as Kai would be delighted to believe his own word, he knows he does quite the contrary.
Lonely nights, secluded by darkness and the unmistakable feelings of guilt, of pressure, and of burden, the youngest member sits still as the smooth surface of his sheets grows unfathomably frustrating under his slender hands. Everything ticks him off: the blaring lights from outside the room’s window are headache-inducing; the distant pitter-patter of the shower running is equally too piercing and too soft; and the heavy breaths of his sleeping roommate have his gut twisting in a type of envy that he would never admit to.
Tears are rarely shed (a habit he had carried from his childhood up until now), though the harrowing emptiness in his chest never subsides. Logically, he was well aware that his habit of emotional isolation was bordering on the line of self-destructive. At that thought, the hole in his chest would always deepen that bit more, become that bit more apparent.
And, really, he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when everything had started feeling like such a chore, but once it happened, he couldn't imagine his life without it. The emotion simply erupted out of nowhere, securing its mighty hands around the boy's neck as he struggled to make sense of anything and everything: there wasn't a moment without the tight pressure on his body.
And, oh, how his skin burned. How it ached, itched, and stung, yet it was oh-so-cold, despicably frozen. A living contradiction, that's what Kai found himself to be (both in his words and his feelings).
A liar. That’s all he was. To himself, to his bandmates, and his fans, the young man was nothing but a liar. A fraud, to the ill-mannered, boisterous critics whose sharp glares seemed to linger on his each and every move.
It was something the whole group was encouraged (instructed) to vent about; the lack of freedom that comes with being an idol. He heard the complaints so many times when the members confided in him. He sympathised with Yeonjun’s yearning for an unconfided love, he sympathised with Beomgyu’s distress over constantly having to be self-aware of his appearance, and most of all, he sympathised with Taehyun’s desire to be able to feel what he felt, judgement-free. Feeling as if everybody already voiced what he was thinking, Kai didn’t speak.
How much Kai wished he could rely on others to the same extent they relied on him. His hot skin begged to be touched, begged for a sense of comfort to overwhelm him, begged for a sense of relief and release for once in his life. He didn’t want to dwell on the fact that he was emotionally touch-starved but, fuck – He didn’t know it was this bad.
That was when his logic caught up to his feelings and, oh, he was on the verge of crying. Beomgyu would give him a quick laugh, right? A few jokes and Kai would forget (be distracted from) everything, sleeping peacefully.
Beomgyu’s quick, witty comments and effortlessly laid-back nature were qualities Kai liked about the man, making him a suitable candidate for the ‘comfort’ he sought.
Silently slipping off his bed, Kai exited his and Taehyun’s shared bedroom, not without sneaking a glance at his roommate’s alarm clock. It read 00:38. He hoped Beomgyu was awake.
Calculating his steps to make sure not to step on those few floorboards which happened to creak at a volume just too loud, the youngest member carried his fluffy-sock-covered feet down the dorm and towards the larger bedroom, where the Choi Trio were located.
Hoping that the two eldest were asleep (they should be, knowing that Yeonjun prided himself in being consistently healthy and Kai had heard Soobin doing his skincare routine 2 or 3 hours ago), he pushed the door open with as little force he could, cringing at the long creak that emerged from its hinges.
Beomgyu being dead asleep was the first thing Kai noticed. Arms carefully positioned above the duvet with his head tilted to the side on his array of pillows, there was no doubt that the man was lost in his head. Albeit cursing at himself for his bad luck, Kai soundlessly bid him sweet dreams and was glad he was resting well. Similarly, the boy could just about make out the sleeping figure of their eldest member, cosily curled up with his night light displaying stars on the darkened walls. He wondered if Taehyun would let Kai get them a night light, too.
“Kai-yah?”
The voice surprised him, subtly flinching at the sound of his name being called so earnestly, and spun on his heel to face the source of the voice.
Soobin sat atop his made bed, not yet under the covers, leaning back with his spine against the headrest. His phone lay in his hand, Kai recognised the yellow tint of the screen as the night mode being on, exposing an unfamiliar webcomic. Additionally, Soobin’s famous blue light glasses rested on his nose, his hair was messily spread across his forehead, and his features transformed into a concerned expression.
Kai almost giggled at the thought of him looking constipated.
“Oh. Um, hi, hyung. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll be going, now.”
Kai awkwardly tried to turn away from his friend and make his escape, wanting to forget the situation ever happened, but the older was swift in his reply. The hole in Kai’s chest clenched at the puzzlement and perturbation laced in his voice.
“You’re not disturbing anything or anyone, Ningning. What’s the matter? What are you doing here?”
The younger member hated how easily the subtle lie came to him in reply.
“Nothing’s the matter. I was just looking for Beomgyu-hyung, but he’s asleep, so it’s fine. I don’t want to wake him up.”
Soobin just ‘aaah’ ed in understanding and stared between him and Beomgyu for a few seconds. Somehow, Kai didn’t feel inclined to leave just yet, tilting his head curiously at Soobin’s behaviour.
“I can wake him up if you want. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind helping you out.”
Oh, sweet, sincere Soobin, Kai was sure he felt his heart skip a beat at his consideration.
Despite this, the youngest was quick to decline the offer, shaking his head and hands simultaneously.
“No, it’s okay. It’s not that important,” Kai replied, endeavouring to conceal the unsure waver in his voice.
“Then should I tell him in the morning that you were looking for him?” Soobin questioned, momentarily raising an eyebrow. (Kai ignored the flip his heart did.)
“No! Please, don't, it won't matter by then.”
The leader’s frown deepened, slipping his phone to the side and readjusting his positioning to sit up straighter on his bed. He studied Kai’s expression, a sad smile he hadn't seen since their trainee days. Lips upturned ever-so-slightly, a melancholic gleam reflecting in his squinting eyes, and shifty gaze looking in the direction of the floor, the sickening sense of nostalgia Soobin felt almost had him nauseous.
The last time he'd seen that smile was years ago, when the two were huddling in the corner of the practice room after hours on a Saturday, and Kai was briefly mentioning horror stories of his previous school life when the kids were far too mean for their age and the young boy had to endure much more than just name-calling and rude comments. And Soobin remembers clearly since it was the first time Kai had been remotely close to crying.
Soobin’s quietude seemed to have Kai anxious, as he hurriedly continued to talk as if to explain his point further.
“Look, I know Beomgyu-hyung is always down to joke or gossip, and I was hoping he was still awake since I really need a distraction right now, so I came here and–” Kai cut himself off when he realised the mistake he made, the slight twist of tongue. “Ignore me, I'll be leaving now, goodnight hyung! Sleep well!”
“No, wait,” Soobin pursed his lips worriedly for a moment. “So something is the matter, then?”
Kai shook his head vigorously, cheeks heating up from embarrassment, though the older man couldn't see due to the lighting.
“I told you, I'm fine–”
“A penny for your thoughts, my love?” Soobin let the pet name slip out so effortlessly and couldn't find it in himself to feel ashamed when he saw how Kai spluttered and stuttered over his words. The leader patted the space on the bed beside him and gave the younger an expectant look.
Wordlessly, Kai obeyed by shutting the door behind him and shuffling towards Soobin’s bed. He sat down at the foot of the bed and stared at his lap, face unreadable.
“Come here…” Soobin muttered as he reached over and tugged at Kai’s pyjama shirt, urging him to come closer. When the boy started to crawl on the bed, the older pulled him in and close to his chest, squeezing his arms around his torso and placing his head in the crook of his neck. While carding his fingers through his hair, Kai visibly relaxed and reciprocated the hug, nuzzling impossibly nearer into Soobin’s presence. He hoped he couldn't hear his rapid heartbeat.
“I’m here, Ningning. You can talk to me.”
The older man could feel his breath on his neck when the younger sighed, shivering at the unexpected warm air.
Stubbornly, Kai shook his head.
“It's embarrassing,” he murmured, more to himself than to Soobin. As an afterthought, he added, “Just hold me? Please?”
And who was Soobin to say no to such a request?
“Of course. I'd do anything for you,” he admitted a little too honestly and Kai couldn’t hide the way his cheeks burnt now.
Staying true to his word, Soobin continued to hold Kai like that for what could have been 20 minutes. Somewhere within that time, they altered the sitting position for a laying one, with Kai resting on top of Soobin with his head on his chest, which bobbed with the rise and fall of the older’s breath. Watching as Kai’s eyelids fluttered closed, a serene, calm look replacing the previous unease, Soobin's mouth twitched upwards into a look of adoration, gently brushing the boy's bangs away from his eyes. After that, he could see the small curl in Kai's lashes, the mole above his eye, and the bumpy remains of a pimple that Soobin recalls seeing Kai use a patch on. He hoped the youngest would stay this happy forever.
Right when the leader assumed Kai had fallen asleep, he could feel the vibrations of his voice.
“Binnie-hyung, I–” Even though Kai stopped himself again, Soobin thought he was going to die from the nickname. A few seconds pass. “Are you awake?”
“Yes, my love. Carry on, I'm listening.”
If Soobin noticed the way Kai kicked his feet a little when the pet name was brought up again, he kept it to himself.
“Hyung, I think there's something wrong with me?” Coming out more as a question than a statement, the youngest member curled into himself the best he could while remaining on Soobin, fiddling with his fingers. The older hummed and squeezed the body in his arms.
“What makes you say that?” he asked, no real accusatory or distressed tone prevalent in his voice. He swears he hears Kai’s breath hitch and him sniffle, but he plays it off as Soobin’s sleepy imagination.
“I– I just– I'm so tired . Like, empty tired, can’t-get-out-of-bed tired, can't-keep-myself-alive tired. Every day is such a chore and half the time I feel like I don't truly exist and—” He choked, and Soobin's now sure that he’s crying. “Hyung, is it bad? That I don't feel alive anymore? That I don't think I can carry on living?”
And Soobin really does try not to cry—trust him, he does —but the heavy weight on his chest, the sounds of Kai’s shaking voice, and the wetness he feels soaking into his shirt, he can't help it when his eyes swell with pools of salty tears. He's not too sure what to say, if he can say anything, because he's sure that his body will betray him and he'll burst into sobs and hold the boy oh-so-tightly, as if afraid he will disappear from his grasp.
The leader takes a deep, cathartic breath and squeezes the shorter boy once more.
“Hyung’s got you,” he ends up replying, voice trembling. He feels Kai go rigid.
“No, hyung, don't cry, no– Please don't cry, I'm so sorry, I should just go. I'm so sorry. Oh, fuck , I'm sorry.”
The longer the younger speaks, the more unstable his voice becomes and the harder he cries. Soobin’s tears are amplified because of this, and he weeps. Loud.
“Kai, I'm sorry, I– Ningning, I'm so, so sorry. Shit, I'm so sorry for not noticing, for not considering it, for not taking care of you. Forgive me, please. I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have to feel like this.” Through a mouthful of tears, Soobin manages to get his words out, clutching onto Kai’s body. He feels so much smaller, so much more vulnerable than before as he quakes, and Soobin's heart breaks for the millionth time.
“Kai, my love, this– it's not uncommon. I can help you. Please, let me– let us help you.”
Kai doesn't respond to that.
“Ningie…”
“It– It's not normal, is it?”
Soobin gulps and takes to relieving his stress by stroking the younger's hair. Maybe it'll help him too.
“I– I suppose not. You don't deserve to feel like that. Nobody deserves to feel like that. I'm sorry.”
At that, Kai finds himself reassured. Mostly, he was afraid that this was normal, something everybody felt, and that he was just making a big deal of something that was never that serious to begin with. He didn't want to come off as a pussy, someone who can't handle his own basic feelings, someone undeniably weak. Kai already acknowledged that he was the weakest link in the group, and didn't want to add to that.
At that final thought, the youngest clenched his fists.
“Stop apologising. Please. Please , just stop. I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the one who's always behind on choreographies, I'm the one with the weakest voice, I'm the one who, you know, turned out like this . I'm ruining everything for everyone by just being here. Everything would be better if–”
“Hyuka, if you dare finish that sentence–”
“What, hyung? You'll kick me out of the group?”
The idea of that rips another sob out of Soobin's body, and he's sure the other boy is probably in pain from how tightly he's been holding him. He's shocked that the other members haven't woken up to the noise yet.
“God, no, don't even think that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. I can't live without you in general, Ningning.”
That seems to do it, as Kai’s body goes limp on his and he's stripped down to just a boy. A crying boy, tear stains on his cheeks, an ugly grimace on his lips, and ragged breaths stacking in the room. Soobin lets him cry, as their pains are now shared, and can't help but join him.
Slowly, Soobin manoeuvres the two of them so that they are finally under the duvet, laying on their sides as Kai proceeds to dig into the elder’s chest, knuckles white from holding his shirt so desperately. Placing a delicate kiss on the top of Kai's hair, Soobin keeps him compressed in his arms. While the crying doesn't abate, the leader feels like he shouldn't worry too much anymore. He's got Kai, and he's not going anywhere.
“Kai-yah, listen,” he croaks out. “We need you. We're here for you. Please trust hyung, let me get you help. Can you trust me?”
The small boy doesn't fight it anymore. He nods.
In the morning, nobody mentions the duo’s horribly swollen, tear-stained faces. In the morning, nobody mentions how Kai wasn't in his bed. In the morning, nobody mentions how protective Soobin is over the youngest member.
And when Beomgyu complains that Soobin’s getting all the love and that Kai should sleep with him for once, the pair share a glance before exploding into a fit of giggles.
They're the only ones finding it funny.