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Language:
English
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Published:
2023-12-23
Words:
353
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1/1
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84
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ivan the terrible has a heart attack and fucking dies

Summary:

A retelling of Chaldea's first major battle in Tunguska.

Work Text:

“All right everyone, let's get him!” Nikitich shouted. As she did, everyone sprang into action. Brine splashed as Ibuki began to summon her Orochi, Mash gave Ritsuka a nod as she and Habetrot rushed forward, Taigong Wang casually brandished his whip…

And as Chaldea’s Last Master strode forward, ready for yet another among countless uphill battles…

The enormous, mountain-sized form of the phantasmal species let out a trumpeting cry which shook the earth itself. Ritsuka shouted, struggling to maintain their footing, and looked up fearfully, thinking the recreation of Ivan had noticed the impending attack…

Only for the deafening sound to die off in a pitiful, strangled fashion, and the mammoth to shake, its legs giving way. Baffled, Ritsuka and the Servants watched Ivan slowly fall down. Ritsuka braced themself against Mash as the enormous frame of Ivan hit the ground, sending out massive tremors and a plume of snow, as the beast let out one last, relatively quiet sound before rapidly melting away into black dust.

Ritsuka and the assembled Servants stared blankly forward as the snowstorm rapidly began to clear up around them, stunned into silence.

“What… just happened?” Ritsuka asked.

 


 

“What do you mean, a product defect?!” Koyanskaya, sitting alone in a dark room, barked into a cell phone, eye twitching. “NFF Services prizes itself on quality above all else! What, did you outsource it to HUMANS or something?!”

Koyanskaya glared as frantic chirping came from the other end of the line.

“Well, I don’t CARE whose fault it is! Fix it, NOW! If you don’t, I can do much worse than fire you!”

Koyanskaya hurled the cell phone at the opposite wall hard enough for it to shatter, before taking a deep breath. Pressing out her clothes to make herself look something close to presentable, she pulled another, different cell phone out from a pocket and speed-dialed a number.

Without even bothering for pleasantries, she snapped, voice as icy calm as she could make it. “Contact Chaldea Security Organization, arrange a do-over, and draft a non-disclosure agreement. I am NOT letting the Foreign God's disciples learn about what happened.”