Work Text:
Sleep had not come easy to her for those first few nights in the land of the dead. After they had taken her body away, the thought of sleeping in her own bed made her stomach churn. Instead, she would often walk into Ellie’s room and watch her sister cry into her pillow. Kitty lay beside her and tried to pretend they were finally having one of the sleepovers her sister had constantly promised but they never got around to. Something always seemed to spoil their plans, such as Eleanor’s bedsheets making Kitty’s skin itch terribly, or the only suitable date being on the thirty second of June, which seemed to take forever to come around.
While her sister barely left her bedroom, their father was much the same, except he had locked himself in his study. Kitty and Eleanor had been forbidden to enter before, unless summoned, as they understood Father needed to concentrate. Now there was nothing to stop Kitty from walking through the door and kneeling beside his chair. She chattered away, asking all the questions she used to want to give when she was very small, about how the colonies were doing, if the people she’d left behind in Jamaica were happy and thriving. Questions he used to answer with a wave of his hand and light rebuke that young English ladies didn’t need to worry about such matters. Only he rarely seemed hard at work now, no scribbling away with his quill in hand, humming Bach to himself. Instead, he would just sit, staring into space with those heavy bags beneath his eyes, or slumped over his books when night fell. Kitty couldn’t help but notice how much older he looked now, drenched in the pale moonlight.
Perhaps he would die soon! And then she wouldn’t be alone here! No, that was a silly and selfish thought. It wouldn’t be fair to Eleanor, losing both her sister and father in one week.
A figure passed through the wall and Kitty was reminded that, as a matter of fact, she’s not alone.
“You all right, poppet?” the woman in the strange maid’s outfit asked her.
She managed a smile; “Why yes, of course! Papa and I were just discussing Eleanor’s marriage prospects. There’s a young Earl we met in Kent who took a very keen interest in her last year. His family is very wealthy; however I do remember his nose resembling a tiny plumb, which did put us both off…”
The woman gives her a smile, eyes scanning from her to the weathered patriarch asleep in his chair.
“That’s…lovely.” She replied, sounding unsure.
“I hope whoever she chooses, they have a son, so that the house can stay in our family.” Kitty thought aloud, wistfully; “That way at least I can watch my nephew and nieces grow up here. And their children too. And when it’s time for Papa and Eleanor to…” the words get caught in her throat, “…I’ll be right here, waiting for them. Then everything will be back to how it was before.”
An open palm patted her shoulder.
“Yeah. Let’s so hope so.” The woman – Annie, was it? – nodded; “Kitty, love, when was the last time you slept?”
“Oh, I don’t need to sleep anymore, do I. I’m dead!” She chuckled, feeling a little proud of herself for being able to say the words aloud.
“We still need sleep, pet. I mean, we don’t ‘need’ it like we did when were alive, like food or water, it ain’t like we’ll get sick if we don’t…” Annie tried to explain; “But we can get sick up here.” She pointed to her head; “If we don’t get some rest and look after ourselves. And you ain’t doing yourself much good haunting your da and sister each and every hour of the day and night.”
“You don’t understand. They need me! Besides, isn’t haunting what a ghost is supposed to do?” Kitty argued back.
“’Kay, you got me there. But maybe just take a little break for tonight, yeah? As a favour to me.” The woman rubbed her arm; “Come on.”
With a heavy heart, she stood up, kissing her father on his brow and then having to cover her mouth before she could vomit. It truly was the thing she most detested about being dead. Annie put her hands on her arms and began to lead her back to her own room.
The house felt so huge and dark and empty now. Her shoes, that she had once loved for how cute they were but detested how they squeezed her feet, were impossible to remove now, at least for more than a few seconds. They made no sound upon the marble floors as she walked down the hall.
“You can always sleep in my room with myself and Mary, if you’d rather not be on your own?” Annie offered.
A tiny part of her heart felt the pull to accept, not quite understanding why. These new women were strangers to her. Not the ‘fairy godmothers’ she had first mistaken them for on that first night. They claimed to have been watching over all her life but it wasn’t quite the same thing. They weren’t her family.
“I’ll be fine. Thank you.” It felt more difficult to hold the smile on her face as she said the words; “Good night.” She went to step away.
“Sweet dreams.”
Kitty paused, turning back to look at her.
Annie bit her lip; “Whoops. Sorry, wrong choice of…”
She turned abruptly, head through her door and throwing herself down onto her bed, grateful something was there to catch her. That strange, new, hot feeling swelled in her belly. Trying to figure out what it meant at least distracted her from wanting to cry.
Just as her eyelids were beginning to flutter, she was startled again by an odd sound.
Clicking? Clacking?
No…
Clopping.
Kitty sat back up in her bed, looking around her room. No one was there. She popped her head back through the door, certain she saw the swish of fur pass beyond the far corner.
Heart fluttering with curiosity, she felt compelled to follow. Then she stopped herself, reminding herself of what happened the last time she followed a childish fantasy in the middle of the night. Never again.
*
“I’m telling you! They were definitely hoof-steps.” She told the two dead women the following morning. “Only they weren’t treading outside on the pavement, but on the landing!”
“Your mind was probably just playing a game with you, pet. I always hears all sorts when I’m at that point between asleep and awake.” Annie reasoned, then giving Mary a nudge: “Remember that time I was sure I heard that wild boar? Only it turn out to be your ‘orrible...”
Mary tilted her head, those typically soft eyes narrowing a little at her companion.
“It turns out to be what, Annie?”
A clearing of the throat; “Nothin’, sweetheart, nothing.”
Kitty folded her arms and huffed.
“I know it wasn’t a dream...I’m hardly going to allow myself to make that mistake again.” She said, the bitterness still raw on her tongue.
Mary and Annie exchanged looks. It was a little infuriating how familiar the two women were to each other, some strange cross between sisters and best friends and something else Kitty wasn’t sure of. Regardless, it left her feeling like an outsider.
“....Could it have been him? He doesn’t sneak back in at night, does he?”
“You means our Row?” at the younger woman’s frown, Mary clarified; “Him who you calls Robin?”
Whatever its name was. She had only taken a guess after all and it didn’t matter to her whether she’d somehow got it right or it was yet another one of the imp’s lies.
“Don’t think so, sweethear’. For one, you didst banish him from the house for, as you says, 'a hundred of thousand years'. And twos, his feet not be hooves.”
That was true, Kitty conceded, confusing Puck from the play with the legend of Pan from her Greek studies. But she wouldn’t be surprised if a fairy could change their types of limbs.
“If I’m honest, I was not expecting a trickster god to keep their word.” They rarely did in the tales.
Annie rolled her eyes; “For the last time, he be no trickster or evil fairy! Row, or Robin, whatever you wanna call him, is just one of dead folk, same as us. He’s just been here a Hell of a lot longer. Trust me, there’s a lotta things wrong with that boy, from his fleas to his smell to just being a dumb fool, but he not be casting any dark spells or wha’ever t’is you fear.”
Resentment spiked in Kitty’s throat at that. Fear? She didn’t fear the creature, what a ridiculous notion. He wasn’t worth that much. Just her anger, which was an emotion she was very much new to, and even though it often felt heavy and loud, it distracted her from the heartbreak over her family no longer seeing her.
No matter what he did or what he was capable of, she refused to sleep under the same roof as him. As this was her father’s house, it felt only right that she had her say on his behalf over who she allowed to live in it, even in the afterlife. The two women had been kind to her, but even more so they had been truthful, even if it hadn’t been what she’d wanted to hear at the time. They won her trust and, while she was yet to feel familiar with them, she did feel safe. If Papa had known how the strange man in fur had deceived her, she’s certain he wouldn’t want him anywhere on his property, let alone the house. But, sadly, it seemed as spirits they were all trapped within the borders of the land.
Strange. It was the first time Kitty had ever wielded any semblance of authority in her rank, never having liked to boss the servants around like Eleanor did with such ease, instead preferring to use ‘please’ and ‘thank yous’ and inquire about their home life and preferences, which only disgusted her sister more.
“You don’t need to be polite when addressing the Help, Katherine! It demeans you! They are staff, not friends.” Ellie would scald.
Kitty struggled to understand why they couldn’t be both. What made them any different from her, really, other than that they hadn’t been adopted by people with lots of money?
However, he was different. She was sure of that. And somehow that made it easier to be…mean.
*
She watched as Mr. Roh brought his face close to the foal’s, the young filly not seeming the least bit intimidated, not like she would if it were anyone else. Even Kitty had been taught not to give horses that sort of eye contact. For some reason, she didn’t seem to mind with her special friend.
“Blink once for yes. Twice for no.” Roh whispered, his hand hovering half an inch above her fur; “You like Kitty?”
The blond pony gave a single blink.
“Oh! You see!” Roh grinned and Kitty bounced with excitement, her grip loose on the reigns. He looked back to the pony; “You like me?”
Another blink.
“Yes! Haha, she got good taste! Me like. And last, you like pellet they feed?”
Two blinks. Roh stuck his tongue out.
“Me neither. Look disgusting.” He looked back at Kitty; “You feed her plenty sugar cube, yes! And she be best friend forever.”
The pony folded her legs beneath her as she got down onto the grass. Kitty sat beside her, reaching to run her fingers through her mane, gliding through each strand like silk.
“She’s so beautiful! I can’t believe Papa said she’s all mine.” She gushed, not knowing it was possible to feel this happy; “I can’t wait until she’s old enough to be ridden, just like Ellie with her pony.”
“Now you promise, you be big nicer to this one than sister is with hers.” Roh said, oddly stern.
Kitty frowned, her hand stilling; “What do you mean?”
Her friend’s usually mischievous face turned serious.
“Me talk with Eleanor pony too. She no like how hard she get kicked or hit with stick when Eleanor want go faster. No like how she shout at her when she not win big gold coin in competition.” The strange man looked over the stables, a sad glint in his mysterious eyes; “Wrong to treat horse like toy, not friend.”
The lesson settled easily in her head, as she nodded. Just the idea of being nasty to the beautiful animal she’d been gifted was enough to make her feel guilty.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Roh. Destiny will always be my friend.” Kitty promised, rubbing her hand across the young one’s neck.
“Who?”
“Destiny! That’s her name.”
“Huh…” Roh’s brow furrowed. He leaned in to grunt and murmur some words under his breath to the filly, who then followed up with a sharp blink and blow through her lips; “…She tell me her name Christine.”
“Oh…”
Kitty felt a little disappointed. She had been so excited on choosing the name, having planned it months before her father had even picked out a pony for her.
Roh made some more funny noises with the filly again, a bit like the snort of a hog mixed with a wolf’s growl, followed by more slow blinking.
“She say ‘Destiny’ be fine as nicked-name.” He smiled at Kitty.
Relief flooded her. That was good, she’d have hated to go on calling her that knowing her pony didn’t approve.
“Will you teach me how to talk to animals?” She asked.
A smirk stretched across his hairy face; “Well, it take me six thousand years to teach self, so…we better start soon if want to catch up.”
“That’s fine!” she replied, thrilled at the thought, watching as his grin matched her own; “Perhaps I can sneak out some nights and we can go into the trees, and we can practice on foxes and bunny rabbits.”
“You no want to talk to bunny rabbits, they terrible gossip, blah blah blah. And foxes just tell tall tale. Now deer, they sometimes have wise word but also be big boring.” He explained before remembering something important; “Also me not dare take you out past bedtime, I get into big trouble with lady friends.”
He put his hands to his throat in a gesture of being choked, pulling a hilarious ‘death’ face that made her burst out in laughter.
Kitty wished the three of them could have stayed on that patch of lawn all day. It felt so wonderful to be introducing one of her special friends to someone else who could see them, even if that someone was an animal, it didn’t matter. The way Destiny stretched out, relaxed, as Roh spoke softly to her, reassured Kitty that her friends were more than just a ‘childish game’, as her father would sometimes say when she spoke about them too much at dinner time.
England had been just as beautiful as Mama had described it on their voyage across the Atlantic. The house, the dresses, the food, her beautiful sister, they had exceeded her expectations. However, she had never expected her new home to be truly magical, finding these friends in their strange clothes – one of them not even having a body – who were invisible to everyone but her. Sometimes it made her sad that no one believed her, but in a way it also made her feel special, even more so than when Mama and Papa had chosen to adopt her out of all the orphans in her colony. They made her feel at home.
“Please do tell Miss. Mary and Miss. Annie to come to the field tomorrow morning. I so want them to meet her too.”
Just in case they wouldn’t appear to her tonight at bedtime as they often did, either to tell her a funny story about how girls are better than silly boys, or to sing her a song. There were also nights, if her dreams turned particularly scary, she would awake to find Mr. Roh asleep at the foot of her bed. And one time, Mr. Humphrey had been there on her bedside table, easing her fears with his jokes until she giggled herself back to sleep.
Roh nodded; “Will do. Sorry they not here today but uh…busy having girly time together, in wood.”
She wasn’t sure what that meant but assumed it was the same as Mother spending time with her fellow ladies in the gazebo, gossiping away and smirking about people Kitty didn’t know or understand why it was funny.
As much as she loved Mama, who was the most beautiful woman in the world, there was a warmth that radiated from Miss. Mary in particular, as well as the strange smell of fire if she got too close. Miss. Annie was different, less soft and cuddly looking than Miss. Mary. Instead, she was fierce, not in a harsh way like Carruthers, but inspiring, like the heroines she’d read about in books. Kitty didn’t mind wishing that Miss. Annie was her real governess.
She had come to live in a very strange world. And she loved it.
“Mr. Roh, will you please do me a favour?”
“Anything…So long as no need to move or touch.”
That was another thing that was a little sad about her friends. She could see and hear them as real as anyone else around her but whenever she tried to take their hands or embrace them, she passed through like smoke. Even worse, it seemed to hurt them. Such a shame, especially as Roh’s furry tunic looked so soft, as if it were constantly inviting her in for a hug she could never have.
“Will you watch over Destiny when she goes to bed tonight? She doesn’t know the other horses yet and they might seem ever so big and scary to her.” Kitty asked him, innocently; “I think she’ll feel much safer with you there.”
She would know, better than anyone.
As if to back the request, the pony lay her head on the grass near the gorilla-man's crossed legs.
Roh nodded, looking touched; “Sure…Me promise, will take good care of her.”
Kitty smiled. She knew she could trust him.
*
Opening her eyes, Kitty was certain she’d heard it again.
Clip-clop. Clip-clop.
She lay on her back, rubbing her eyes as the pattern on her ceiling came into view. Perhaps Annie was right. After all, there had been a horse in her dream, even though it had been relaxing on the grass with her, not walking on a solid floor.
Had it been only a dream? It had felt so familiar. It must have been, because the younger version of her had been good friends with these…people. Dead people. Even more difficult to believe, she had been close to him, had trusted him with all her heart. Trusted him to take care of something precious to her. Surely, she would have remembered something like that, if it were real.
Not to mention the talking head. Where on earth had that come from?
But there was one character in her dream who she knew, with absolute certainty, had existed, fitting into the time and place the dream would have happened perfectly.
Kitty looked to her dresser, peering through the dark to catch a small portrait that had been painted of her. Back when she was only a small girl, sat atop her pony, Destiny.
It had been many years since Kitty had thought of her. She hadn’t been that much of a skilled rider, finding side-saddle far too uncomfortable. But she had loved grooming the filly, chatting to her for hours in the stable like a dear friend, leading her across the fields on Sunday afternoons. Along with Florence, Destiny had been one of her best confidants and closest companions…up until…
Clip-clop. Clip-clop. Clip-clop.
There it was again. Except she was certain she was awake now, her mind not hovering over some veil like Annie talked about. There was a hoofed creature – a horse or cow or donkey or something else – and it was inside the house.
She got out of bed, immediately walking through the walls until she found Eleanor’s room.
“Ellie! Ellie, do you hear that?” She asked, not caring that her sister could no longer hear her. Eleanor continued to sleep peacefully. At least she was no longer crying, posed like an angel as she lay back against her pillows.
Someone surely must be able to hear it. One of the maids or the butler or anyone.
She went back out into the hall, trying to pick up the sound again, but it was fading now. The creature was leaving the house.
Taking a moment to realise that there was no one to chide her for running, she began to sprint down the stairs, desperate to catch whatever it was before it vanished again.
“WATCH IT-!”
Her foot collided with an abandoned object on the bottom step, sending it flying across the foyer until it bounced off the opposite wall.
It fell to the floor with a sharp groan.
“Ow! ‘Cor, that was a big one…” A voice muttered, sorely, from the ground.
Kitty froze. Looking across, she noticed skin, and hair. It was a head. A talking head!
Distracted, she moved over to it cautiously, bending down to carefully spin it around to face her. A gasp escaped her lips as she recognised that face, those kind eyes and that neatly groomed beard.
“Oh, hello! I’ve been looking forward to meeting you, but I’ve been having a bit of trouble getting lost in all sorts of places last few days. Anyway, my name’s-.”
“Humphrey!” Kitty exclaimed.
He blinked in surprise; “They did tell you about me then?”
“No. I just remembered…” she shook her head; “I mean, you were in my dream. You told me a joke to cheer me up when I couldn’t sleep. One about two men in a tavern with a donkey and a nun?”
“Oh yeah.” He chuckled to himself; “You were the only other one who’s ever laughed at that.”
Wait…so it wasn’t a dream?
She reached her hands out, careful as to where to place her fingers, not wanting to stick them inside his ears or the red part of his severed neck. Gently, she lifted him up as she stood, the realisation casting a smile across her face.
“It really happened. All of you…You really were watching over me.” Suddenly the thought no longer felt intrusive. It felt...cosy.
Humphrey smiled, his voice breaking; “Hello, Little Miss. It’s been a long time.”
“I’m not so little anymore.” She rebuked, lightly.
“Nah, you’ll always be our little Kitty, I’m afraid. I mean I weren’t always included, nothing’s changed there, but I know the time we had being seen by you when you were a kiddie was some of the happiest we’d ever been in our…well, deaths. Hope you don’t mind me saying.”
Emotions swirling within her, Kitty slowly walked down the hall, holding Humphrey before her as they conversed like old friends. She never believed that talking to a decapitated head could feel so normal.
“It all still seems so fuzzy to me. Like…when you spend too long staring at the sun and then you look away and have to wait for your eyes to clear and the spots to move aside.” She attempted to explain.
“Pretty sure that’s why they say not to look at the sun…But you’re dead now, so, go nuts.” Humphrey mused as she carried him through the ballroom and towards the south entrance; “Anyway, memories work a bit different when you’re a ghost. It’s like our brains don’t have to struggle to keep all those pictures in order of importance anymore. My guess is all the stuff you blocked out as a nipper is starting to come back to you. Just give it time.”
She certainly had enough of that on her hands. Her thoughts went to Annie and Mary, how when she had first saw them she’d called them her fairy godmothers. Annie had said no, but Mary had said yes. And in a way, they were both right. They may not be actual fairies but they had watched over her, emotionally nurtured and cared for her, with as much tender care as Mama had, sometimes even more so.
Kitty was hit with the desire to run to their room, to burst in without thought of privacy and tell them she was starting to remember. Oh, it would make them so happy, she was sure of it.
“We has been watchin’ over you since you were knee-high. And we’ve loved you, we still do.”
It was beginning to no longer feel like empty words. They were honest and true.
And still, a part of this truth felt like it was being held back, kept so far in the distance she couldn’t see clearly.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking but where were you heading to in such a rush at this time of night?” Humphrey asked, pulling her thoughts back.
She looked down at him, then remembered herself.
“Oh yes! I was following the hooves. Didn’t you hear them, in the hallway? They must have passed you.” Her tone hardened a little, almost daring him to try to lie to her, like the other one.
He seemed to take a hint.
“Right. The hooves. Well, I’m probably gonna get in trouble for this but…Surely your best bet to start with is gonna be the stables, don’t you think?” Humphrey suggested.
“The stables? But we’re not allowed at this hour…” she then shook her head; “Oh wait! Of course, how silly of me.”
“S’fine, you’re still settling in, it takes us all a while.”
Taking a moment to enjoy the freedom death now offered her, she strolled past the few night staff she saw without worry, even saying hello to a couple she knew by name, regardless of if they could reply. She reached the back doors and made her way across to the stable yard.
It did feel a little eerie, heading into them at night. There was only one young man stood on watch while sorting through some of the hay. There were less horses then there had been when she was a child, with Eleanor having lost interest in riding, outside of party events long ago, and her father only riding out for the odd fox hunt.
“You all right?” Humphrey asked as they came closer.
“Of course, I am. Why?”
“Because you're shaking me like you’re mixing a drink.”
“Oh! Apologies.” Kitty laughed it off, stilling her hands.
“Remember, there’s no reason to be afraid. Nothing can hurt us. Just don’t plan on stepping through any of the living horses and you’ll be fine.”
Despite his reassurance, she clutched his head close to her front, making sure to turn it so his eyes were facing outward, as if he could warn her of any danger.
She entered the enclosure and began peering into the stalls. The Shire horses seemed to be sleeping as normal, spent from a hard day of pulling the carriage after Father had travelled into the village.
“Bernice and Cheshire look perfectly all right. I don’t think they came into the house.” Kitty whispered, just in case her voice was able to wake them.
“Nah, they’d have had some trouble getting past the staff, even Lucy with her head in the clouds.”
“You must have seen which one it was!”
“You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Turns out you can miss a lot of details when your head is dropped at the wrong angle. All I saw were the hooves and they definitely weren’t furry like those Shire ones. Bit more petite, I’d say.”
Petite?
“Like a pony? But Father hasn’t owned any ponies since…”
She stilled at the sound of movement. A rustle in one of the stalls.
Kitty turned towards it; “Oh dear. I think we woke someone up.” She peered her head through one of the hatches; “It’s okay, precious, go back to sleep, we’re only looking for-.”
She stopped at the sight of the creature curled up upon the straw. It was no horse, no pony, no equine of any sort.
A pair of furry boots stretched out as the figure rolled over, slowly sitting up against the wall as it woke. It grunted, groggy, as it rubbed its eyes, looking confused as it tried to remember its surroundings. A head framed in a wild mane of brown hair turned to face her, blinking until his tired, ancient eyes widened with recognition and worry.
Humphrey tutted in her hands; “Wow. That is a sorry sight to see, I must say.”
The creature, the…not-good-fairy frowned at them.
“Hum’free? What you both…?” He mumbled.
“Never mind.” Kitty pulled her head back, straightening up; “I’ve seen enough. There’s no one here, let’s go back to the house.”
“Now hang on a sec’-.” Humphrey began to protest, but now she had turned him so his face was pressed to her stomach as she began to march herself out of the stable; “Mmph’Kitty’thtop!”
“Wait!” The other one, him, shouted after her.
Too bad the stable door was useless at keeping him penned in. She carried on walking, head held high, ignoring them both, ignoring how lonely and pathetic he’d looked sleeping in that stall. Focus on the weird, hot feeling instead. Focus on remembering how much he’d hurt her the other night, when her entire world fell apart. She wouldn’t feel sorry for him. She wouldn’t regret sending him away.
She was about to reach the exit when she heard it again.
Clip-clop. Clip-clop.
There it was. It was outside, in the yard. It had to be the same one, she told herself as she moved towards it.
“Kitty, hang on!”
She raced around the corner and…There she was.
Humphrey fell from her limp hands. She barely heard his complaint as he hit the ground, again.
She was too mesmerised by the sight before her, standing at the corner of the yard, auburn tail swishing behind her, perfectly braided as it had been on the last day they’d seen each other.
“Destiny?” she breathed in disbelief; “Oh, Destiny, is it really you?!”
It shouldn’t be possible. They’d taken her away, after all. Taken her to a lovely farm that was too far to visit but where she would be cared for and looked after for many years to come. Even if she had passed away during that time, how would her spirit have been able to cross the border that Mary and Annie told her about? The one that, as ghosts, kept them trapped, as well as keeping other dead souls out?
Details weren’t important. Perhaps all it took was love to bring her back when Kitty needed her most.
Tears sprang to her eyes as she moved closer, the pony still keeping her back to her as she attempted to drink from one of the troughs, only for her mouth to keep passing through the container. Somewhere, in the back of Kitty’s head, she could still hear Humphrey and the trickster calling out to her, begging her to step back. Why should she care what a pair of silly boys say? They can’t tell her what to do. Nobody can, not anymore.
She reached her hand out, running her fingers along the heart-shaped white patch above Destiny’s back leg. The tail gave a twitch. A soft, uncertain whinny sounded as the pony turned to face her.
“This is wonderful! It’s the best thing ever, I’ve missed you so mu-.”
Only one of her pony’s beautiful brown eyes met hers. The other was gone, blown clean out of the socket, along with most of the fur and flesh on the right side of her face, exposing a cracked skull and jaw, embedded with the scorch marks of tiny black pellets.
Kitty opened her mouth to scream, only to find her voice gone.
“Father, where is Destiny? I had hoped that she’d be feeling better after that fall yesterday.”
“My dear, you shouldn’t be worrying about that blasted pony! The beast nearly killed you when it failed that jump!”
“But she didn’t kill me! I’m perfectly fine, just a mere bump on the head.”
“Katherine, the pony’s leg was very badly twisted. It would be a long and painful recovery, therefore I had no choice but to…”
Her father had stared at her as he failed to finish his sentence, face conflicting between cold severity and paternal affection, looking deep into her eyes before choosing his next words.
“…But to have her sent to a farm, far away in Wales, where she’ll be tended to with the utmost care and have many young children to play with. I know that you’ll miss her dearly, but perhaps this will give you a chance to focus on more practical matters as a blossoming young lady.”
The floor decided to leave her as the world span, violently, her stomach lurching with the last fruit she had eaten several days ago.
A pair of arms caught her, stopping her from swooning completely. They were strong, supporting her under her armpits, and as soon as she recognised the wolf pelted gauntlets, she roughly shrugged them off.
“LEAVE – ME – ALONE!”
Was this his doing?! Had he done something to hurt her?!
The heavily disfigured pony gave a shrill neigh, startled, trotting quickly away from the screaming woman.
Mr. Roh, or Robin, whoever, obeyed Kitty’s request, stepping away from her and instead rushing to the pony’s front as it began to buck and shake its head in panic. It seemed to want to bolt, to escape, but it was unable to put too much weight on one of its front legs, which only caused it further distress.
“Hey, hey! It okay! It okay!” He put his hands out to her, then began making those same light grunts and huffing noises that he had in her dream…in the memory…
His hand carefully reached up to pet the spot between her ears, gently stroking down, not caring for when his fingers made contact with the gaping wound covering one half of her head. Kitty watched, transfixed, as it took less than a minute for the not-fairy to sooth the terrified filly, bringing his face close to hers and closing his eyes.
He continued to stroke the underside of her jaw, then down her neck, as he murmured sweet words of comfort that she could barely hear. Seeing the pony be soothed by the strange man she so clearly trusted told Kitty that he couldn’t possibly have been the one to maim her pretty face.
That only left one other possibility.
“Good girl, good girl…Just shock, that all…”
A shock? That was putting it mildly.
He opened his eyes, looking around the trembling pony to face her; “Kitty…” he softly beckoned, reaching out to her; “Come.”
She set her jaw and turned, gripping the sides of her dress as she sped past Humphrey.
“Oi, wait up! Don’t leave me he- Oh well, that was nice while it lasted.”
It wasn’t fair! It simply wasn’t fair!
Once again, she’d been lied to, made to believe in a fairy tale. How many letters had she written and sent to this imaginary Welsh farm over the years (at ‘Wales Farm, Wales Road, Wales’) convinced that some handsome farmhand would be reading them to Destiny as he stroked her mane and she enjoyed her salt-lick, happy and content? All that time, her letters had gone unread, probably torn apart or burned. Just another stupid act of a silly little girl.
Hadn’t she heard a gunshot that evening, after her fall? As she’d laid in bed and Carruthers had changed the compress on her forehead, there had been a bang that rattled the windows.
“Just someone shooting off the pigeons, child, now keep still.”
Not pigeons. Her Destiny. Her best friend.
She tried her best not to picture it but the images flooded her brain too quick. A boot on her neck to keep her still. Barrel pressed beneath her eye. They wouldn’t have bothered soothing her, those cold-hearted men. She would have been scared and in pain. Had she cried? Had she cried for her?
Kitty burst into tears as she reached the house, stumbling through the wall and collapsing on one of the sofas in the sitting room.
It didn’t take long for her wailing to wake Mary and Annie, who rushed down the stairs as if the armies of Hell couldn’t stand in their way.
“Darling girl! What ails thee?” Mary was the first to reach her, eyes full of concern.
Kitty didn’t wish to talk about it. There were no words to express the grief and horror of what she’d just seen. Words were dumb and useless. Instead, she simply reached her arms out towards the woman who had sung her to sleep all those nights, who always made her feel warm and cared for, even after she’d forgot her existence. Mary welcomed the hug, bringing her in close and holding her tight, at last. It felt so different to Mama’s hugs, not any better or worse, but Mary was soft and strong where Mama had been all sharp angles and fragile but still adoring. Kitty wanted to burrow into Mary’s arms like a hedgehog in hibernation, only never to have to leave.
She soon felt a pair of hands rubbing her back before they too slipped around her, a firm voice assuring her that everything would be okay. Kitty desperately wished she could go back to a time where it was easy to believe such words.
*
Sunlight woke him this time, as he squinted against the sharp rays coming in through the bars. He didn’t usually sleep in this late but he’d been up most of the night, taking a few hours to settle the poor girl down enough for her to want to rest. Forget the months he’d spent as Kitty’s invisible friend, this was the closest reminder he’d had in centuries to what being a father was like. Only now it was to a bloody horse.
“Good ‘morrow, sleepy head!”
He grumbled, turning to see Mary and Annie walking into the stall, a rather smug expression on Annie’s face particularly.
“What’s this then, you traded us for someone more your level?” She nodded to the sleeping filly with the exposed skull, curled up in the bedding.
“Ha ha, so funny!” Rohr rolled his eyes; “You two come to gloat?”
“Yep!”
Mary nudged her companion.
Annie rolled her eyes; “I mean, just a little bit. You’ve finally found a room that suits you! That’s it, gloating finished.”
“We’s actually here to make sure yous all right.” Mary said, pointedly, walking over and taking a seat in one of the cleaner piles of straw; “Way we ‘ear it, you had quites the night.”
He sat up, still feeling shattered; “Put lightly. Didn’t know this one been sneaking into house while me sleep!” Rohr threw the dozing horse an affectionate glare; “By time I wake, Kitty already here and pony just ‘round corner! Thought you two meant to be keep eye on her.”
“We can’t exactly put a bell around her neck, Row.” Said Annie, “It’s her own land, she can go where she wants. Once again, I think you’re all forgetting it was my idea to tell her about the damn pony sooner rather than later!”
“It not us who wanted to keep truth from her this time!” Rohr reminded the ex-Puritan; “It her!” he pointed to Christine, otherwise known as Destiny.
Annie looked stone-faced; “We’re obeying the requests of animals now? I think we are starting to lose our marbles.”
“If the little horse don’t want Kitty to see her, why’s she keep returning to the house?” Mary asked, a tad more considerate of the creature’s feelings.
Rohr reached out to stroke her mane; “Been sleeping in Kitty’s room while she living all these years. Natural instinct be close to her. But…feeling of shame. Those be what she die with, so…” It seemed to apply to every ghost, human or animal, that their last emotional state stuck with them the most in the afterlife.
“Poor little beast.” Mary lamented; “Loved her so much but now scares the living daylights outs o’ her. Must be so hard for it to have to keep itself away.”
“We talkin’ about the pony or the savage?” asked Annie.
Rohr narrowed his eyes. She gave him a smirk and leaned over, grabbing his upper arm in a friendly shake.
“You silly git, just come back to the house. You can’t honestly be planning to serve this whole ‘a hundred of thousand year banishment’ thing!” She scoffed.
“Might not be so bad. How long it been already?”
“Six days.”
“Oh…Regret learning how to Maff.” He joked, leaning back against the straw, “…How is she?”
“Little’en? We lefts her in bed. Poor mite sobbed her heart out most of ‘night.” Mary explained, “We’ll talk to her when we go back, now she be calmer.”
He looked down at his hands, brooding; “…You tell her again that me sorry for lying about dream? And also…Humphrey sorry for leading her out here.”
“Where is that little beardy ornament anyway?! What on Earth was he playing at?” Annie asked, looking around.
“In troth, we dids forget him these last days, what with our focusin’ on Kitty. Don’t think he knew the pony would startle her so, pro’ly thought it cheer her up.” Mary provided the voice of reason, “He loves that girl as much as we do, he wouldst not cause her upset on purpose.”
Both Rohr and Annie gave non-committal shrugs.
“Will remove him from horse-poo wheelbarrow later then.” He waved his hand, lazily, as if he were in no rush.
Annie snorted.
*
Treading carefully through the walls, Kitty slid herself back into one of the storage closets, just as the other ghosts made their way down the hall before they could spot her.
“Fifteen hours! Fifteen blasted hours I was in that wheelbarrow!!” Humphrey was ranting, carried in Mary’s hands. “Thank God the savage is the only one of us who can smell or I might have passed out!”
“Oh he doth love to nag so, don’t he Annie.”
“Don’t look at me, I suggested leavin’ him there another day!” Her companion retorts.
“Excuse me, you’re all acting like I planned on traumatising the girl – none of you thought to mention to me that pony was missing half its face!”
“It’s kinda a hard detail to let slip, even for you!” Annie berated; “Shall we transcribe everythin’ we see just in case you miss something important? Oh Humphrey, we is now walking down a corridor, t’is nearly twilight outside, we is passing Kitty’s room where she’s probably still having nightmares because you wanted her to go walkabouts!” She exhaled, angrily; “Didst you not think there was a good reason we were keeping that horse from her, at least while she’s settling into all this…insanity!”
He didn’t reply to that. Kitty hoped that he didn’t feel too guilty. She wasn’t angry at Humphrey, having remembered what he said about not being able to see much in his ‘position’. If anything, he had won her respect the most out of them all, for not wanting to keep the truth from her.
“You can stop moaning now, ats least, as you says – poor Row has another nine hundred and nine nine-tens…something, numbers, years of banishments left and he has to smell all that muck.” Mary grimaced.
“Okay, I need someone to go over that whole thing with me again – I get that Row upset Kitty but why exactly is he agreeing to go through with that punishment she gave him? And even then, why not just sleep in the woods like he did all those thousands of years before there was ever a house here?”
“Because he’s a stupid arse.” Annie answered without a beat; “A stupid arse who loves that kid with all his heart so he’ll do whatever she says. And because of some promise he made to her when she was a nipper, which is why he’ll sleep wherever the pony sleeps, so long as it ain’t in the house.”
Kitty thought on the words as she eavesdropped, new information settling with unease in her mind.
Thousands of years? That’s how long he had been…
She did her best not to dwell on the fact that she would never be able to see the world as she dreamed, never cross the ocean back to visit the Caribbean, never visit Vienna or Marseille or any of the places Mama used to tell her about from her own travels. She tried not to let the thought of never touching, eating, drinking or dancing again bring down her mood. It came easy to her, to distract herself, to find wonder and curiosity, even in the bleakest of times. But lately, even she had struggled, what with everything she had to face up to.
To have dealt with that reality for a thousand lifetimes? It was unimaginable.
This was her house, yet he’d ‘lived’, in a sense, on the property before there even was any property. Centuries of sleeping among trees and bushes and grass until the first house had been set up with the very first bed he probably tested out himself. He’d had his own room here, for decades, and she’d taken it from him, sending him back out to sleep in the dirt like a…Like an animal.
And he hadn’t even tried to fight her on it, simply obeying, quietly making himself scarce, just to please her.
Then there was the Promise.
While the blocked-out memories of her imaginary friends, from those early years, were still slowly coming back to her, she did remember his promise, clear as day.
After being certain the others have walked out of sight, Kitty appeared back through the wall and made her way downstairs.
As darkness began to fall, only a tinge of orange fading across the sky, Kitty ran across the fields towards the stables. Bernice was awake in her stall and gave a surprised whinny as she sensed Kitty’s presence.
“Sorry, Berny, I don’t have time to chat right now.” But she was rather happy to learn that animals could often see them; “Perhaps tomorrow, we can talk about how the groomer ruined poor Cheshire’s mane.”
She moved down the walkway and towards the stall she’d looked in last night. Taking a deep breath, firmly reminding herself that she was no longer ‘little scaredy-Kitty’, she poked her head through the slat.
Empty. Was it the wrong one?
She checked them all. Not a single one of them contained Destiny, or the other strange creature whom she wasn’t sure if she hoped to see with the pony or not.
As she continued to search around the yard, something caught her eye, far across the field. Something entered the surrounding woodland, disappearing into the trees before she could truly see what it was. How far away was this boundary? How much of the forest would she be allowed to search through before she crossed that line? Would it hurt her? Would it hurt Destiny?
Kitty raced across the fields, cursing her nursemaid for not removing her shoes when she’d been put to bed after fainting that day.
She had never entered the woods at night before. In fact, she’d rarely journeyed into them during the day, except when she’d been very small and Mama had taken her and Eleanor for walks. On one occasion, Eleanor had convinced Kitty to climb a tree with her, only for Kitty to fall unexpectedly after reaching the same high branch as her sister, though she has no memory of how she lost her grip.
Standing beneath the canopy of leaves, she lets her eyes adjust to the dim moonlight piercing through the dark. She listened, hearing the scurry of badgers and foxes leaving their dens, the soft hooting of an owl high above her head. The forest came alive at night, something she might have never see where she not dead. She walked on, knowing there would be no sound of footsteps to disturb those around her.
Something small and fuzzy ran down a tree branch beside her. Kitty turned, spotting a red squirrel cleaning itself.
Smiling, she slowly raised her finger…and stroked its head.
“Oh…you poor little thing.” She whispered, noticing the deep, gaping teeth marks along its side. At least it seemed like a quick death; “How many of us are there here, hmm?” she gently petted the puff of white fuzz on its chest.
It sank its front teeth into her finger.
“Ow!” She managed to tear it back, cradling it close as she watched the squirrel race back up the tree; “You nasty little…Fine! Go away! I’m not here for you anyway.”
Tossing her hair back, she stomped deeper into the wood, deciding not to waste anymore time attempting to befriend animal ghosts. Especially not mean squirrels who probably deserved to be half-eaten to death.
When the trees began to thin before her, she spotted the lake ahead.
And there, laying down in the grass.
“There you are!” she cried, rushing forward.
Destiny raised her head up at her. Her single eye blinked twice before she sprang up, onto her three good hooves. Kitty quickened her pace.
“No, Destiny. Wait, please.” She called out, running around to stand before her, her palms up; “Don’t run away! You don’t have to hide anymore.”
The pony continued to cry out, rearing up her front legs, though not beating out her hooves to attack the woman before her. She stepped back and went to turn around before Kitty continued to follow, circling her, staying before her and standing her ground.
Kitty breathed, deeply; “It’s me. I’m here. I’m not afraid of you.” She tried to reach out, to touch the horse’s marred face; “You’re still the same…my gorgeous Destiny.”
Her fingers stroked the spot between her good eye and the chasm of charred bone.
“How do you say ‘thank you’?”
“That one easy.” Roh wrinkled his nose up, making a snorting sound, then two grunts.
Kitty attempted to copy, having to work a little to get the first part right.
“Not bad. Manners important. Horses very big on polite, be furry snobs.” Mr. Roh explained, the three of them sat beneath an oak tree, her riding teacher content let her take Destiny off by herself during her break so long as she remained in sight of the stables.
Kitty smiled, stroking her hand over Destiny’s ears as their lessons continued. If only she could share what she learned with Eleanor, her sister might enjoy spending time with her pony as much as she did.
“What about ‘no more treats’?”
“Ah. That one more like…” He shook his head, blowing through his lips, then clicking his tongue.
Destiny whinnied, throwing her head back at him.
Roh raised his hands up in defence; “Hey! No me say! I just show…” He groaned, rolling his eyes as Kitty laughed into her hands; “You do that on purpose.” He glared at her.
Possibly. It was still helpful information.
“How about…” she thought hard before finding what she knew were the most important words; “…I love you?”
Her beastly protector stared at her for a moment, his eyes doing that strange thing they often did, where they became like great, deep wells of time, making Kitty feel like she could get lost in them and see all the way back to the very first sunrise.
He smiled; “Now that very important lesson.”
Roh shifted closer to her.
“First, big grunt,” he proceeded to show her, “Then two little huffs,” he did so, “Then one long blink, like this.” He slowly closed his eyes before opening them again; “Then…little bump.” He put his forehead as close as he could to hers, without touching; “…That how you tell her.”
Kitty placed her palms tenderly at either side of the pony’s face, barely noticing how cool and rough the bones felt against her left hand.
A big, deep grunt rumbled from her throat. Then two huffs of air from lungs that would hardly miss them now.
And then she blinked, slow and tenderly, feeling the tension leave Destiny’s muscles as she began to calm.
Kitty brought her head forward, brow pressing against brow.
A shy whimper came from the pony before she leaned heavily into Kitty, the woman then proceeding to wrap her arms tight around the animal’s neck. All her worries over her father and Eleanor, her uncertainty over the strange new family she had ‘returned’ to, the fact she had died before knowing how it felt to have true love’s kiss, seemed to fade away in that moment, where it was just her and Destiny, together again. Her dearest friend, still as beautiful as ever.
Slow, sincere clapping eventually broke the silence. Kitty pulled back from the embrace to glance over at a nearby tree, spotting the source of her one-person applause.
Mr. Roh, or Robin, the not-fairy…He sat on a low branch with one of his legs drawn up, the other dangling freely, smiling at the two of them.
“Well done. Perfect translate.” He praised.
Kitty felt a brush creep into her cheeks as she petted Destiny over, continuing to look at every inch of her, beginning to find herself fascinated, rather than terrified, by all the bits of bone and veins and burned muscle tissue…
“I had a very good teacher.” She smirked.
“Hmm. I hear he not bad. Handsome too.”
“No, I believe I must be talking about someone else…” She feigned her usual innocence, before her cheeky smile gave her away.
The gorilla-man chuckled, deep and rough, before he jumped down from his tree. He looked between the pony and her girl, fondly.
“Then I guess me leave you two to catch up? Me be in stable if need…” He began to walk off.
Kitty’s fingers lingered over the marks of the pellets, a multitude of tiny black dots, Destiny continuing to nuzzle against her touch, clearly having longed for this reunion as much as her rider had, for all these years.
“Wait…” She called after him, causing him to pause; “Were you with her? I mean, when they…”
The strange man turned back around, watching as Kitty caressed the shotgun wound delicately.
He looked at her; “Truth?”
She nodded.
With regret, he shook his head; “Me on other side of land, watching mouse family, grandpa not feel well. I hear big boom sound, run back over, but time me reach…” His eyes turned extra sad as he watched Destiny.
Kitty rubbed her side, hating that she truly had been alone at the time.
“She very scared when me found her. I do best to calm, tell her pain over now. But she worry, for you, after you fall.” The not-fairy explained, walking back towards them, patting her rear; “I lead her upstairs where you sleep and she curl up beside your bed. She stay there most nights, for many Moonah passing, until you…”
Until she died too.
“She worry you no want her…what with face, y’know…”
Kitty shook her head; “Destiny, you are such a silly girl! As if I would care about how you look…”
“Well…you did make big scream-.”
“Because I wasn’t even aware she was dead, let alone what had been done to her!” She rebuked, though it had been a nightmarish image to face, one she’d needed a day to reconcile with before having the courage to find her friend again; “If anything I’m prouder of her now. No one else has a pony who looks this unique!” Kitty gushed, rubbing at her chest in that way she always enjoyed; “I just can’t believe she was with me all this time…Yet another friend watching over me…”
“You poplar girl.” He smiled at her.
She turned from Destiny to meet his gaze.
“…You’ve been looking after her for me? All these nights?” Kitty asked.
He gave a shrug; “No big deal. Had promise to keep aft’ all.”
Kitty finally removed her hands from the pony, letting her walk past her, sniffing at the weeds at the edge of the lake.
“Thank you, Robi-…I mean, Roh, or-.” She stammered, unsure.
“Can me be…Ro-bin?” He asked her, sounding almost nervous; “I…think me like it. Might not be ‘Good fellow’, but Robin is pretty bird and…well, tired of everyone saying first name wrong ‘nyway. Humphrey give himself throat ache once ‘day!”
She smiled, feeling oddly touched that he wanted her to ‘name’ him, this being who was older than the pyramids of Egypt.
Kitty nodded; “Yes…I think ‘Robin’ suits you perfectly.”
The smile that appeared on his face as he looked down at his boots suddenly took away those thousands of years, revealing a bashful young man buried deep beneath ragged furs and a thick, wild hair. As a child, he had always seemed like a big friendly giant compared to her, and now she was close to being the same height as him.
“’Fank you…” Robin whispered; “Guess me should be getting back to being banish…Shouldn’t really be speak to you. Apple-o-gee.”
“I…I mainly meant banished from the house.” She clarified, “Outside is fine. And…there’s no need for you to sleep in the stables anymore. I’m happy to have Destiny come back to my room. I always wished she could sleep there, when I was young.” She turned to watch her petite horse, whose ears happened to perk up at that information.
“Oooh! And it work out now, as she no leave big mess on you rug! As ghost it just turn to dust.”
That hadn’t quite been her main concern, however it was a bonus, she agreed.
“…Also, I might have been a little harsh with my original sentencing.” Kitty continued, putting on her most confident, ‘lady of the house’ voice; “Given your good behaviour and how well you’ve looked after my friend…Perhaps I can reduce the time you’ll serve a little. Say, from a hundred of thousand years to…one night. Which, we’re currently half-way through already, it seems.”
“Wow. Okay…If you sure.” He seemed genuinely relieved; “And me just getting used to sleeping on straw, again. Oh well!” Robin chuckled and then performed a bow at her, as he had on the first night she’d seen him, as a fellow ghost; “Thank you, Miss. Kitty. Me big great-full. And, ‘gain…deep sorry.”
She let out a breath, releasing some of the last of that anger she’d been carrying around with her this past week. That icky hot feeling had served as a welcome distraction to start with, but now it was fading she felt much better. The image of the wicked trickster god or evil fairy began to dissolve as she allowed herself to truly see the man before her.
The man she now desperately wanted to know, for real, not just from dreams and broken memories.
“You lied to me…No one has ever lied to me before, ever!”
Robin stared, deadpan; “…Really?!”
She shook her head; “Except for that one time, when my father told me about Destiny being sent to a farm, obviously. But I only found out about that last night. Before then, everyone I knew, everyone I loved, had always been honest with me. That’s why it hurt me so much, you see?”
All she wanted was for him to understand what that meant to her.
He opened his mouth, looking baffled for a moment, before he conceded, throwing up his hand in defeat.
“Yes…Me understand.”
“But why? Why did you lie?” She had to ask before she could move on; “Was it because you thought I was stupid? Or that I was too weak to handle the truth?”
Robin began to laugh. It made Kitty’s blood boil. She clenched her fists at her side.
“Don’t mock me! I will put the banishment back in place if I have to!” She hated how childish the threat made her sound.
He shook his head; “No, no mock, sorry, I…Me not think you stupid. Or weak.” His laughter calmed as he regarded her; “You…just a little girl, walk up to strange creature in new land and you think ‘Might be lion? Might be gorilla? Might be thing that eat me for dinner?’ and instead of running you then think ‘Me ask him to chase me! For fun! Me want be friends with hideous monster!’”
Kitty crossed her arms.
Robin shrugged; “Okay, me say it like that, does make you sound stupid. But…that not what me think then. Me think ‘this bravest little girl I ever see!’ And Lit, daughter of mine, she finish first hunt at age seven. But she still scream running from bear and wolf bigger than her.”
“Well, if I’d thought you were a real wolf or a bear, I would have run too! But it was clear to me that you were no such thing.”
“Exactly! You knew me not…all bad.” He risked a smile; “You not think ugly mean always scary…”
“Of course it doesn’t, silly.” She glanced over at Destiny, still attempting to drink from the lake, then huffing to herself in disappointment. The moonlight seemed to illuminate every inch of the exposed skull on her face; “Only a fool would think that.”
“And you no fool.”
Kitty shook her head, fighting off the sensation of feeling flattered.
“Then why did you treat me like one, Robin?” She asked again, “Tell me.”
All she wanted was the truth.
He looked at her for a moment, considering his answer, before walking over to one of the other trees and leaning back against it.
“Why you think your father lie about Destiny go to live on farm when really she have head blown half-off?” Robin asked.
“What does that have to do with-?”
“Just…answer.” He pleaded; “Me know that you know. Clever Kitty.”
That flattery again, it would not win out. The answer was so simple, it had hardly required much time deciphering.
“He was protecting me…from being sad. Which is ridiculous because I would have found out the truth, someday, and been sad later, no matter what!”
“That it.” He showed his hands; “You always be sad later. But lie mean you get to be happy, just for moment, till the sad comes…Know not make it right, but, is just what we do…for family.”
It shouldn’t make sense, but it does. Believing that Destiny was somewhere else, living safe and happily in the sunshine, for all those years, had comforted her in the darkest of times. And as for Robin’s lie…It had meant that, for a few magical hours, she had been living in a fantastical world of freedom and wonder, where she could free fall from the roof without gaining a single bruise, and play Hide and Seek with a mischievous but sweet fairy-man. If not for Robin’s lie, she would never have laughed as loud in the moonlight as she ever had in life.
Gratitude battled against resentment. Would the pain that had followed when the truth had been revealed had hurt quite as much if her hopes had not fallen so far? There was no way of knowing for sure. But she couldn’t wish that those incredible hours before the fallout never existed.
“I don’t wish for you to be my father, Robin.” She told him, firmly.
He looked taken aback at first, then nodded, “That fair…” He followed up with snort; “I mean, good! My kids be bigger smart than you anyway!”
She glared but refused to rise to the bait.
Her lips twisted up; “…I did always want a brother, though.”
That clearly surprised him.
“You did?”
“Mostly just so me and Ellie would have someone to play japes on and embarrass him front of any girls he liked.” She admitted.
“No need help there, Mary and Annie already find plenty to laugh at me!” He chuckled, a tinge of red beneath that beard.
Kitty tilted her head; “Is one of them your wife? Or…your ’fancy woman’, as Eleanor says? Which one is it? It’s Mary isn’t it!”
It was difficult to deny the pleasure she felt in watching him squirm.
“None of business! Nosy little sis.” He sneered at her.
She grinned, biting her lip at the idea, if she’d happened to guess right. Already, having a brother was as fun as she’d hoped.
There was some sort of arrangement between the three of them, a special closeness that Mary and Annie shared in particular, yet Robin seemed as attached to both. Memories of watching the three of them, sat so close together, as they’d watched over her as a child came back to her. She’d seen it then, understanding it easier as a child than she did as a grown noblewoman. It wasn’t anything like the idea of romance, of union of one man and one wife, that she’d been raised on. But there was no denying what that connection was formed from. The same that had existed between her parents, before Mama lost her life and Papa lost his heart. Love.
As those memories continued to return, circulating in a whirlwind of games and laughter and songs in her head, they were tainted with the realisation of what had been taken from her. Barely two months of her young life, out twenty-two years, and yet it felt like someone had torn out a whole half a book and kept the pages locked away in a chest all this time.
Her smile faltering, she reached out her hand towards Robin’s furs, remembering how badly her younger self had longed to cuddle into them.
The ‘gorilla-man’ stilled as her fingertips brushed against the strands.
“You left me.”
He blinked, seeming to miss her words the first time.
“Pard-on?”
Kitty exhaled, pulling her hand back; “You. Left. Me.”
“Uhh, wait…” Robin frowned, wagging a finger up; “Thought you give me ‘banish men’?”
“Not now, I mean…Back then, all those years ago. I thought you all abandoned me.”
Realisation dawned on his face, sadness heavy in the thick lines around his eyes.
“Kitty-.”
“I felt so awful, after I made it look like Eleanor was right and I had to ignore you all. But then I came back and I searched for you, I called for you…And you never came.”
Tears stung as that six-year-old's emotions began to flood their way back into her heart. She looked at him, watching the regret fall across his face as he struggled to meet her gaze.
“Even at night, when I had a bad dream, I would look to the end of my bed, hoping to find you there.” She continued, the gates now wide open; “I would go searching for all of you in the halls until someone found me and forced me to return to my room. I would cry on my bed, alone, thinking I had made you all think I no longer wanted you!”
Robin shook his head.
“We had to go, for you own good. So you grow up and not be called crazy or witch. You see Mary, see smoke around her…You read book on history, not long ago…What they do to her…What I stand and watch!” His voice cracks in pain before he clenches his teeth; “Not let happen again…Never.”
A chill ran through her. She recalled stories meant to warn off girls from not behaving like good, Christian ladies. Lessons of how ‘heretics’ used to be dealt with, and still were in some cases, though far more ‘humanely’ so they claimed. Carruthers hadn’t taught her to feel sympathy for witches. They were friends with the devil after all, what other fate could they expect than the pyre?
Except Mary, sweet Mary, was the farthest thing from evil that Kitty had met. The thought of her being put on trial by the methods she’d heard about, then executed in such a grotesque manner…
“But why didn’t you just say that?” She challenged, “Why not come out in the gardens, just once, and tell me why you had to leave?! And then I could have told you all; that I never wanted any of you to go away…”
She might not have carried that niggle of guilt and longing with her for all those years. As happy and carefree as she’d been, how often had she found herself looking to the side, expecting to see…someone, only to forget who she was looking for?
Robin sighed; “We…We knew you forget, in time. And then it no matter.”
“It did matter! Because you all had to remember! You all had to watch me grow up and want to be there for me all those times I was sad and alone and you couldn’t…And now I remember everything. I missed you all, for all those years, and I didn’t even know why…Now I do.” Her face began to crumble in grief; “And it hurts, Robin. It really, really hurts…”
He moved over to her, reaching his hand up to hover close to her cheek.
“Silly Kitty-cat.” Robin whispered, his own voice breaking; “Me not worth big cry over-.”
She batted his hand away.
“You were to me! You were my friend!”
He blinked at her, his knuckles moving up to rub at his chest, as he stood, lost for words. Kitty took in a breath, trying to contain her sobs, feeling a touch of release at all those truths and feelings finally being laid out in the open, even to herself. All that anger she’d held towards him over the past week, it had been rooted in something far deeper than just the one lie. It had been an open wound festering away in her heart for over fifteen years. Now she finally knew the cause and…
What happened next?
Robin moved another inch closer. Slowly, cautiously, he went to take Kitty’s hand, then brought it up to the furs on his chest. His heart. A beat thrummed beneath her touch, the song of an ancient vessel that had stopped working thousands of years before she was born. She let her fingers sink deep into the fur this time, their texture feeling so much more solid than her bedsheets and the pillows on the sofa she could rest on.
“…Here now. Good luck being rid of me again.” He told her, softly. Kitty huffed out a weak laugh.
How ridiculous it felt to stay mad at them having to leave her before when they now had an eternity together?
He moved his other hand up to cup the side of her face.
“Urrrgh…” Robin summoned a grunt, deep from the back of his throat; “Huh…Huh…” she cringed a little at the stench of his breath on her face, wrinkling her nose. He only grinned and slowly closed his eyes, one big blink, before opening them again. Kitty smiled, her lips wobbling, as he bumped his brow softly into hers.
She exhaled; “Oh…I love you too.”
Their arms encircled each other as she finally, truly, embraced him as she’d longed to do since the first day they’d met. He held her tightly, arms steadfast around her frame, as she buried her face into his shoulder. A wondrous sigh of relief left her as she relaxed into the hug, protected from the reality that she had been separated from one family for a time, but that she would be safe and cared for by this other family, one she was ever so lucky to have had waiting for her. And, likewise, she could care for them, make sure they were always as happy as they’d made her before.
Nothing disturbed the two lost spirits, holding each other between the waters and the trees, beneath a sea of stars, until a certain pony decided that she was bored and came to stick her snout between them, huffing like an ignored brat.
“Oi!” Robin protested, pulling out of the hug; “We have moment here! Read the room!”
Kitty could only laugh, wiping the last of her tears away, the ones that hadn’t been dried by Robin’s shift. She patted Destiny’s neck.
“What is it, poppet?”
The pony nudged her and started nickering, blinking three times.
“…Not sure I caught that.” She admitted, a little ashamed. It had been a long time and her memories still hadn’t fully returned.
Robin rolled his eyes; “Clearly fail as teacher.”
“Hey!” She protested, “I resent that! Tell me what she said then, clever clogs.”
“So easy one! She want you to ride her!”
Kitty’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape. Yes, that had been rather an important one. But then, riding had never been her top priority when spending time with her pony. She regarded her, noticing her bare back, the lack of reigns linked around her head. They had time enough to take those away before they’d…
“Oh but she hasn’t been saddled up…How would I even sit on her?”
“You have put both leg either side. Like men ride. Stupid they no teach you, but so much easy.” Robin patted the pony between her ears; “Me reckon so, anyway, have only practice on stag and that never end well.”
Kitty still looked uncertain. Destiny had grown so much from the yearling Father had first presented to her.
“She not want go fast. Can’t on weak leg, but not hurt her ‘nymore.” Robin reached to stroke what had only been a nasty looking sprain, but fatal as far as her masters had been concerned; “Even if you fall, it no hurt you. You fall from roof, remember?”
Rather than upsetting her, Kitty allowed herself to focus on the fun of that night.
“I certainly do…”
“It worth try then, yes?” Robin coaxed, leaning towards her; “That unless you…Scaredy-Kitty!”
Affronted, she gasped, frowning at him. The cheeky little…Perhaps she had called it right the first time and he was nothing more than an imp.
“Move aside! I will show you just how much of a…” Kitty went to reach her hand up, one foot lifting to search for a stirrup, before being reminded by gravity that they weren’t there; “Oh, wait…” She turned to him, looking bashful; “Would you mind?”
“Never.”
Robin placed his hands either side of her waist and used all his prehistoric hunter strength to boost her up high enough until she could swing one of her legs round the creature’s back. Her friend helped to adjust her dress, reminding her to put her weight forward onto her knees, to hold on with her thighs more than her hands. It was scary, sitting so tall with so little support, sitting like a man of all things. But she refused to run away, refused to let anything in this new existence scare her off.
After all, she was the girl who made friends with the monsters.
Kitty gently coaxed Destiny to walk a few paces, getting used to the feel of each other again, Robin staying close by for the first few feet.
“Ready to go a bit faster now, girl?” she stroked the auburn mane; “A light trot to start, like we used to?”
“You ready too?” The gorilla-man asked Kitty.
She gave him a smile but said nothing. He grinned back, proudly, then patted the pony’s back leg. He was ready also, she saw, ready to let her go. Kitty faced herself forward and took a deep breath.
“Onwards.”
.