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“Hey kid, I was just on the phone with Ferrero,” Jannik stopped lacing his shoes and looked up at his coach expectantly, “he says it’s a great idea. We’re also invited for the Academy’s Christmas Party.”
To be fair, Jannik felt genuinely surprised. He had always thought Juan Carlos would make up an excuse not to let him get near Carlos unless it was mandatory. The fact that he was opening up the doors of his academy like that could only mean one of two things: he didn’t know the total extent of Jannik and Carlos’ affair – which was unlikely – or he wanted to keep an eye on Jannik and estimate if he was still a risk factor for his protégé’s future.
Jannik could bet he was the second option and to be honest he had no desire to be under Ferrero’s excruciating gaze. But he’d do it for Carlos. He felt like he had this one chance to try and make things right before the madness of the season began.
“Thank you.”
“I won’t be able to go so you will be in Simone’s hands,” Darren said, lifting up his eyebrows.
Wincing, Jannik nodded. Frankly, he had a very good relationship with both his coaches, but whenever the matter got more personal, he always had a tendency to lean more on Darren. Simone was stricter, with no patience for any kind of bullshit, so he’d know he wouldn’t exactly love the idea of him practicing with Carlos. Especially because Simone was perfectly aware of what was behind it.
“You will be ok. I’ll talk to him if you prefer.”
“Nah, I’ll do it, but thanks!”
As he suspected, Simone wasn’t impressed. The only reason he agreed to the whole thing was because Jannik had a fantastic end of season, never letting whatever mess he had with Alcaraz get in the way of his success. So his coach recognized that this one wouldn’t hurt either.
When the day finally came though, Jannik felt immensely nervous. Not the kind of nerves he had pre-match for example. No… Those were the kind of nerves he had when he knew something could slip completely out of his control. Sure he and Carlos had been together many times since he ended their affair back in September, but something about meeting him in his very own environment felt completely different. The only consolation he had was that they would start by playing tennis, and that was always a good start. Tennis was their first mutual language and the one that never failed.
Still, he’d have to look into his eyes and greet him first. And that was enough to make the hairs on the back of his neck rise in anticipation.
When he arrived at the Academy with his team, Jannik realized that it had changed a lot since he had been there five years before. When he and Carlos met for the first time. It was funny in a way, that place was a witness to their first meeting and now it would witness such a decisive moment of their personal lives, or at least Jannik thought so.
Juan Carlos Ferrero came to welcome them in person, even with crutches, and if he held any resentment towards Jannik, he never showed it. The same couldn’t be said about Carlos’ brother who was there too and would barely meet his eye. Jannik couldn’t blame him, he knew how protective he was of Carlos and the ginger was used to the silent treatment he had already experienced in the previous tournaments. As far as he was aware, Alvaro was the only family member who knew about their affair; that is if he didn’t count Juanki as a family member, which he practically was anyway.
They politely asked about Juanki’s surgery and were happy to find out he was recovering well.
“It had to be done. It means I’m finally getting old, I guess,” he laughed, patting Simone’s back.
“Nonsense! Forties are the new twenties.”
A staff member then led them to the small apartment where they would spend the night so they could leave their luggage and then another staff person took Jannik to the locker room where he could prepare for the practice match.
Later on, when he arrived at the court, Carlos was already there, stretching with Juanjo. He knew it was his mind playing tricks on him but he looked even more handsome than the last time he’d seen him in Turin. Maybe it was the Alicante sun kissing that tanned skin, maybe it was the way he glowed under the bright blue sky, or maybe it was simply due to the fact that Jannik was in love. He had fought that sentiment so hard only for it to come bite him in the ass.
Like a magnet, Carlos quickly spotted him and smiled. Jannik exhaled and smiled back. Thankfully, Carlos was the one to take the initiative to approach him. Before he knew it, Jannik felt himself enveloped in those strong arms and was quick enough to return the hug.
“Welcome! Sorry I didn’t make it to come greet you earlier.”
“Nonsense. Thanks for having us.”
Carlos smiled again with a nod and went back to his exercises. Jannik thought he might as well do the same.
He tried not to look too much in Carlos’ direction and just concentrate on his own exercises. He needed this practice session to be a great one after all, or Simone would kill him. The other members of his team didn’t know about his history with the Spaniard so for them it was just another day. They seemed to be enjoying it at least and Jannik was genuinely happy about that.
The practice itself went as good as it was expected and at least Simone would never say that going to the Academy had been a waste of time. They weren’t exactly counting points or playing to win, but they both felt the match had been quite balanced. For the duration of it, Jannik surprisingly forgot the true reason why he was there and actually felt himself more and more immersed in playing tennis with Carlos. That is just how much he enjoyed moments like that. No matter the outcome of this trip, he hoped they would never lose that spark.
Eventually, they had to stop but they both had honest smiles on their faces by the end of it. Carlos even came to sit close to Jannik, which truly surprised him.
“Nice one,” the Spaniard said before wiping his face with a towel.
“Yeah… I had missed this. I mean, official matches are one thing but playing with no pressure is also nice.”
“You’re staying for the party tonight, right?”
“Juanki invited us, yeah. Is that okay?”
Carlos scoffed. “Of course it is, don’t be foolish.” He took a long sip of his water and Jannik couldn’t help but feel mesmerized by the movements of his Adam’s apple.
“So,” Jannik started, clearing his throat when Carlos faced him again. “I hear there’s a football match this afternoon.”
“Yeah, should be fun!” Carlos smiled getting up and picking up his bag. “Do you want to join?”
“Nah, I don’t want to intrude. But I’ll be watching.”
“Suit yourself. I’ll see you in a bit then.”
“See you,” Jannik waved and sighed. He could feel Simone’s eyes on him, silently begging him to get himself together.
*
As a soft Christmas song played in the background, Jannik spotted Carlos talking animatedly with some guy he didn’t know. He took a sip of his drink and waited for said person to leave. It didn’t seem to be about to happen, and anyway he was sure it would be virtually impossible to find Carlos alone tonight, so he approached them. He passed by the desert table, not bothering to even look at it, his eyes steadily on Carlos.
“Hey!” he greeted, which startled Carlos a bit.
“Hi! Again,” Carlos smiled. “This is Santiago, he’s a new physiotherapist. This is Jannik Sin-“
“I know that!” Santiago said, shaking Jannik’s hand.
“Of course,” Carlos murmured.
“Well, I’ll leave you guys though, need to go grab a drink and find my kid. Can I bring you guys something?”
They both politely denied it, and Santiago walked away.
“I hope I didn’t interrupt anything…” said Jannik.
“What? No!” Carlos scoffed and took a sip of whatever he was drinking.
“I think your coach is trying to get mine drunk,” Jannik commented, nudging Carlos with his elbow.
Carlos chuckled turning to him. “What do you mean by trying?”
“You’re right,” Jannik sighed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Simone in this state. It’s kind of funny, if you ask me.”
“Well, you guys are staying for the night, right? There’s no harm in a bit of drinking…”
“Yeah, it was very kind of Juan Carlos.”
“Well, if there’s one thing this place has apart from tennis courts are rooms and apartments, so…” he shrugged. “It makes sense that you guys stay so you can have fun.”
Silence fell upon them even though the occasional person would come to greet them and wish a Merry Christmas. Suddenly, Jannik took a deep breath and did what he had wanted to do since the opportunity to train in Alicante presented itself.
“Carlos…” the man in question turned to him, “can we talk? In private, I mean?”
He felt the Spaniard tense up, probably not expecting that question in that moment.
“Yeah, sure… We can go to my apartment if you want. Or is that too private? I don’t want-“
“It’s okay. It can be at your apartment.”
“Cool. So, I’ll go and you meet me outside?”
Jannik beat himself up internally. He was the reason for that.
“There’s no need for that. Come on, lead the way.”
Carlos looked unsure, but shrugged starting to make his way outside, followed by the ginger.
They walked mostly in silence, Carlos only occasionally commenting whenever they passed by something worthy of mention.
“And there is where I live,” he finally said, pointing to a small house in a corner.
“Do you ever think about moving out? Getting your own place?”
“Yeah, I thought about it…” He said, fishing his keys from his pocket. “But then, I mean, I have everything I need here. And I like it here too.” He opened the door, making space for Jannik to come in. “My family isn’t far so when I need some time off I just go there. It may look like I’m lazy to look for a place of my own or something, but that’s not the case. It would probably make sense if I had… someone, but that’s also not the case so…”
Jannik decided not to try and elaborate that last comment for the time being. He needed to give Carlos some kind of reassurance before he went that way.
“Yeah, I get it. And it’s peaceful here, the way you like it.” He looked around, noticing how cozy everything was. It was a small house of course, but more than enough for just one person. The kitchen was an open space into the living room, which was a concept Jannik truly loved. There was an island table with three chairs close to the cooking area that the Italian suspected Carlos barely used anyway. There was a big dark green couch in front of a TV, a plaid blanket lying rumpled on top of it and Jannik could perfectly imagine Carlos lying comfortably on that couch after a long day of training. It warmed his heart. There was also an old armchair, but it didn’t look very comfortable.
There were some trophies on a shelf close to the main window but Jannik also knew the Spaniard kept the important ones at his parents’ house in Murcia. There were also some pictures, family pictures, pictures with his friends back home and… a picture of them. They had taken that selfie in the hotel room back in Toronto. Jannik hadn’t won yet at the time, he was pretty sure they took it in the first stages of the tournament, but his smile was brighter than the one he showed to the press when he lifted the Masters’ trophy. Jannik almost grabbed the frame to look at it closely, but his reverie was interrupted by Carlos’ voice. He looked unperturbed by the fact that Jannik spotted their picture among the other ones.
“I’m going to make some tea, do you want too?”
He cleared his throat. “Yeah… thanks.”
“I have green tea, chamomile, oolong and lemon.”
“Green.”
“With one big honey spoon?”
“Yes,” Jannik smiled. Of course Carlos would remember.
In the time it took for Carlos to prepare their tea, which he did in silence, Jannik tried to, in his head, find a way to start this conversation. The only kind of confrontation he enjoyed, was the one that took place in the tennis court. This… this was something else. But for Carlos, for both of them, he had to endure.
As usual though, Carlos seemed to be ahead of him and didn’t give him the chance to ignore the elephant in the room any longer.
“Jannik, why are you here?” He asked as he sat down on the couch, grabbing the blanket as if it would protect him somehow and motioning for Jannik to sit too.
It didn’t sound like an accusation, Jannik thought as he sat. However, it did sound like Carlos wasn’t about to take any kind of bullshit from him. Jannik might as well respect that. They were always completely respectful with each other. Even after the whole mess they had gotten themselves into. So Jannik didn’t want to change that.
“Because you were right. Back in New York, I mean.”
“No games please… I… I can’t take any more games. I’m only now reaching the surface after… you know. After New York.”
The sincerity in his voice was so pure that Jannik felt like punching his own face.
“But it was never a game, Carlos. You have to know that, at least.”
Carlos nodded but buried his face in his hands. “I told you back then and I’ll tell you again.” His hands muffled his voice but then he raised his head again to look straight into Jannik’s eyes. “It wasn’t working for you. We weren’t even a thing. You hadn’t promised me anything. So it’s okay. And it really is. I didn’t lie when I said I didn’t blame you and I never held a grudge against you. Damn it I think my actions more than my words showed precisely that these last few months.” Jannik nodded. “So, if you’re here to find some sort of closure, you can have it. I won’t bother you, I don’t think I have anyway…”
“Carlos-“
“Please let me finish.” Jannik nodded. “In spite of all that, none of what I just said means it didn’t hurt.” He paused then, but Jannik knew he hadn’t finished. “But it was my fault, too. I went all in, head first, however you prefer to say it. I always do. It’s something I need to work on myself.”
“No, you’re-“
But the Spaniard wouldn’t stop. “So please don’t come here and say that I was right. Not when it cost me so much.”
In that moment Jannik almost accepted that there was no turning back. That they were truly over and there was no way he’d get his Carlos back. But he had come all this way, he had faced his team, Carlos’ team even, his older brother - who looked ready to murder him if he had the slightest chance - just to have this opportunity. He couldn’t give up that easily.
“I was scared.” He admitted. Because above all, he owed Carlos his honesty. “I still am. I still have no idea how we can do this and these feelings scare the shit out of me. But I also know one thing… Now that I know what it is like to have you, now that I know what I lost when I walked away from you… The emptiness is just too big. I… I miss you so much, Carlitos.”
Carlos was frowning, awestruck. “I don’t understand you…” He started. “You ended the year on top; you’re living the best moment of your career so far… So that means you were right. Why are you telling me this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy with what you achieved, I truly am. But you seem to be just fine without me.”
Jannik reached out for Carlos’ hands but the Spaniard backed slightly, an indication that he wasn’t ready for such contact. Jannik sighed accepting it. It had been immature of him to even think that Carlos would easily open his arms to him. To be fair, he was lucky that he even accepted to have this conversation in his own house of all places…
“The top of the mountain can be quite lonely though.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Jannik. You’re better than that. What do you want from me?”
“I want you, damn it!” He hadn’t meant to speak so loud, not even to get up from the couch in exasperation. But for once, his boiling emotions got the best of him. It was rare, sure, but if someone could get him out of his stoicism was Carlos Alcaraz.
“Jannik…”
“Yes, you’re right, I’ve never been this happy with my career, never won so much, never felt so loved by the fans. And every step of the way… All I thought about was you. After every win, I wanted to call you like I did after Toronto when we were still... Whatever we were. After defeating Djokovic, I wanted nothing more than to burst into your hotel room in Turin. And Turin… Turin was tough,” he sighed. “The fucking Nike event, people wanting to sit us together the whole time… It was as if they knew what they were doing. It was driving me mad.” Jannik sat back down, but he didn’t stop. “And then you were always so near and I wanted to celebrate everything with you, but I couldn’t. And beyond all that…
I felt you had completely slipped away from my reach.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re going to think I’m a cunt after admitting this, and you’re probably right but… In Turin it looked like you felt comfortable in my presence again. I mean, we were in public but you were never good at faking something so…” he shrugged. “And that lead me to think that maybe it was because you were over me and rightly so. But it drove me mad. And I realized that if I didn’t want you to be over me, then I would have to do something about it.”
“You still managed to do magic at Davies Cup.”
“Looks like I’m good at separating things, after all.”
“Looks like I’m terrible,” Carlos retorted with a chuckle. “For what it’s worth I’m not there yet. I’m not over you, I mean. I just accepted that it’s never going to happen. And at least I know what it’s like having you. I don’t regret a single thing, Jannik. I would do it all again just to know what it is to be with you and at least have that memory.”
Jannik smiled, never breaking eye contact.
“You never fail to surprise me. I thought you’d hate my guts after New York.”
“I could never hate you.”
“I think I know that now. The question is, would you give me a second chance?”
“My heart is beating so fast right now.” Carlos admitted, putting his hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. “And I want nothing more than to jump into your arms and kiss you stupid.”
“What’s stopping you?” Jannik whispered because he could barely find his own voice.
“I’m scared,” he admitted bluntly. “I’ve never been this scared in my life.” He smiled then, in spite of himself. “Maybe that means I’m a privileged bastard, but what’s new?”
“You’re scared I’ll fuck this up again, it’s understandable.”
“Or I will… You never know. Either way, I can’t lose you twice. I mean, like I said, we were not even a couple or at least we had never named what we had so what happened was also my fault because I just assumed...” He shrugged looking down. “Like I said, I went ahead of myself. Convinced myself that you were just shy but deep down you felt as strongly as I did. But we were maximum friends with benefits, we made out and fucked during tournaments, whenever we had that possibility, and that was it. So my brain did all that fantasy, as usual.” Jannik wanted to protest but one look from Carlos stopped him. “Still, it nearly broke me. And then at Beijing… ” he shook his head, as if he didn’t want to go back to that memory.
“I know,” was the only reply Jannik could think of. And he did. After that match the only thing he had wanted was to go to Carlos’ locker room and hold him until the other man smiled genuinely again. To know he was the cause of what Carlos had going on hurt more he dared to admit at the time. It was the first time they saw each other after Jannik walked away from him. And Carlos surely wasn’t himself during that match.
“You probably do… You know me better than most people after all,” Carlos mumbled. “But it’s better now,” he smiled looking back at the ginger. “I’m better.”
Jannik nodded, even though he didn’t exactly like the direction the conversation was taking. If Carlos wasn’t invading his space already, giving any signs that he would take him in his arms, that could only mean one thing.
“Does that mean… Is that a no?”
“I’m sorry… But I can’t… I can’t risk it Jan.”
“I understand…”
“I think with time, we can be… Friends, like we were before Miami… before that night. At least for now we’ve proven that we can at least be in each other’s presence comfortably. Time heals, right?”
Jannik wanted to shake him. No, they would never be regular tour friends. Friends were people like Lorenzo, or Matteo, Hubi… How could he put Carlos in that same category? How could Carlos fit in that box when Jannik knew the way he moaned when he sucked on his neck? When he knew the way Carlos bit on his lower lip when he came silently? When, in his heart, he knew he was deeply in love with the guy? No, Carlos would never ever be just a tour friend. But he would have to respect that wish anyway.
“Okay,” he sighed. “Right.” Carlos looked down; he was nervously fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves. “Maybe I’ll go now… Not back to the party, I’ll just go to sleep, I guess.”
Carlos nodded, wiping at his eyes. “You know the way? I can walk you there, if you want.”
“I’ll manage,” he stated, getting up.
In that moment he just needed to not be in Carlos’ presence. Finding the apartment his team was staying at couldn’t be that difficult anyway. He didn’t mind walking around for a bit anyway, that could help clearing his head.
When Jannik reached the door tough, barely containing his tears, he felt Carlos’ big hand closing around his wrist. He turned slightly to find Carlos’ deep dark eyes staring straight into his, glistening with unshed tears, making them look even more beautiful, if that was even possible. As much as he wanted, he couldn’t quite decipher what was going on in Carlos’ head but the turmoil was evident.
“Carlos, what-“
All of the sudden, he felt Carlos lips crushing against his.
Shit, how he had missed them.
He had been taken by surprise but he was quick to react. He brought his hands around Carlos’ waist to bring him closer and he felt the Spaniard circling his own arms around his neck, clinging to his clothes, his hair, his neck, kissing him deeper and with an intensity that almost knocked Jannik off of his feet.
Such ferocity quickly left them both out of breath and they had to break the kiss. Jannik leaned down to press his forehead against Carlos as they both closed their eyes, panting.
“I’m sorry-“ he whispered but Carlos covered his lips with his fingers. Jannik couldn’t help but kiss those fingers, which prompted both of them to open their eyes. He felt hopeful now, but he had to ask anyway. “Is this a goodbye kiss, or…?”
Carlos chuckled, brushing his nose against Jannik’s. “No, silly… Couldn’t you tell it’s physically impossible for me to say goodbye to you?”
Jannik smiled and put both his hands around Carlos neck, tilting his head up to kiss him again, this time slowly, passionately, asking himself how he had survived this long without the taste and feel of those lips. Carlos pushed him back until the backs of his knees hit the couch and he was forced to sit down. Wasting no time, Carlos straddled him and resumed the kiss.
“I missed you so much, I was so stupid,” Jannik muttered when Carlos moved his lips onto his neck. “Please believe me, forgive me-“
“Jannik.”
“Yes,” he panted as he looked into Carlos’ intense eyes once again.
“Shut the fuck up.”
*
They didn’t move from the couch. They made love right there and now Jannik was still laying on top of Carlos, trying hard not to fall asleep. He had managed to cover them with the plaid blanket as soon as he felt Carlos shivering because of the cold December air and now he felt too comfortable to move. Carlos started shifting though, probably starting to feel numb under Jannik so the later moved slightly so part of his weight was now directly on the couch. He managed to prop his head up on an elbow so he could look down at the younger man.
“Are you alright?” he murmured, almost afraid of the answer. Carlos expression was almost unreadable, which was rare for someone who was usually so transparent.
Carlos smiled and lifted up a hand to Jannik’s cheek. “I am if you are.”
But Jannik didn’t buy that. “Carlos… are you?”
The reply didn’t come straight away, which worried Jannik. The hand that was caressing his cheek went up to his messy hair and then down his head and to his shoulder blade. The silence was killing him but he gave Carlos his time.
“I love you.” He finally said, his eyes finally meeting Jannik’s. The ginger felt himself taking a sharp breath at the admission. “I don’t want you to say it back. Not right now.”
“What?” Jannik frowned. He loved Carlos, too. In his heart he knew it. And since the younger man felt that brave to say it, he should say it back, reassure him that they were on the same boat.
“Don’t say it back right now. Tell me when you feel ready. When you truly feel ready, with no pressure.” Carlos really did seem to know him inside out. It should be alarming, but somehow it wasn’t. Not at all. “Tell me when the feeling gets so big that you can’t hold it in you any longer. Now you’re just drunk with lust.”
“Why did you say it, then? You’re drunk with lust too.” There was no accusation. Just curiosity.
“Because I’ve known it for years. I was just afraid to tell you before because you weren’t ready to hear it. Now I just wanted to say it because I wanted to grab the opportunity. And because it’s the truest truth and it’s as natural to me as picking up a racquet.”
Smiling, Jannik leaned in to kiss him fervently. He’d do as Carlos asked and say nothing for now, but at least he could try to say it with his kiss.
“Do you think you can come to Monte Carlo for a couple of days before Australia?” Jannik asked a little after breaking the kiss. “That way we let this night settle down so we can talk properly about this. I want to do it right this time.”
“Yeah, I’d like that,” Carlos nodded, pushing Jannik’s curls back absentmindedly. “I must have a free weekend before flying to Australia.”
Jannik smiled and laid his head back on Carlos chest, tracing his skin with his index finger, something he did before so many times.
“Just to warn you… I don’t want to kick you out or anything, but maybe you should go back now… In the morning there will be people everywhere and I suppose you don’t want to be seen leaving my place. At least not before we talk this through.”
“I know… I’m so comfortable here though.”
“I guess a few more minutes won’t hurt,” Carlos said, a smile evident in the tone of his voice, as he kept massaging Jannik’s scalp.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. Like I said, I won’t kick you out, anyway.”
“No!” Jannik lifted his head again to look adoringly at the younger man. “ I mean thank you for trusting me. Even after I broke your heart.”
“You broke yours too. I see that now.”
Jannik smiled and leaned down to press his forehead against Carlos’. “We’ll mend them together, then.”