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Holidays within the Ministry were something very special. The way they celebrated : it was much, much different than Sister Alena had grown used to throughout her childhood and home years. And to her, this was a very good thing.
Not only was she actually permitted to celebrate holidays like Valentine’s day and Halloween, but the other ones that she was previously used to anyway were gone about much, much differently than she’d known them for. In particular- Christmas .
Of course, it was always the start of December that got everyone talking about the special occasion. For Alena, that used to mean getting together with every branch of her overly religious family, reciting the ‘birth of Jesus’ Christmas story a million times over and using the opportunity to cram everything down their throats that her parents could. To her, it felt like a month-long church service. And every year, she’d dread it more and more. The Christmas season brought miserable memories with it, visions of sermons, family fights, parents yelling, broken bottles and glass. She’d just rather not think about it.
Fortunately, the healing process had started as soon as she moved into the Satanic abbey. Here, they did NOT celebrate Christmas for religious reasons. Of course not. In fact, no one had to celebrate anything that they didn’t want to. Here, the holidays were used in a way she preferred much, much better. For warmth, comfort, fun, and love. Those things, Alena could appreciate. And appreciate them, she did. Albeit, at times, from a distance.
While she highly respected the popularity of the season and the joy that came with it, it was very difficult to make that switch of association. And because of that, even once she had friends, Alena found it very difficult to actually join in all the celebrating. It made her friends happy, that was great. She’d told herself, maybe one day it will make her happy, too. Until that day- she’d be alright on her own.
For years, that mentality remained. Before Alena knew it, her third Christmas at the ministry was rapidly approaching and once again, everyone seemed to be busying themselves with the oncoming festivities. Everyone, but her.
Previous years, working in the library, she’d have sat and watched her peers decorate the space with sparkly snowflakes and silver lights. But this year, things had changed again. She wasn’t in the library anymore. Instead, she was working side by side with her dearly beloved friend, Cardinal Copia. Who, so far that December, had yet to do any decorating.
“Not so good news,” From beside her, Copia was seated at his desk. He set his mug down, and the sound of his voice had driven Alena from her mind and she looked over, “Emeritus the First is hosting the party this year.”
It took her a minute to remember what he was referring to, “The Christmas Party?”
“Mm-hm.”
“Why is that not so good?”
“Because,” He chuckled, leaning back, “-if Primo is hosting, that means Terzo is not .”
“Which matters…” Alena set her pen down and lifted a brow, “...why..?”
“Terzo loves to be the center of attention, heh. You know this,”
“I do know that,”
“When he cannot host the party, he becomes spiteful,”
Alena snorted through her hooked nose. She laughed a little and shook her head, “Oh, please.”
“I’m serious! Eheheh, he’ll probably spike the eggnog or something.”
They both began to laugh and Alena swiveled her chair so she could face him better. Despite the negativity she associated with the holiday, something about discussing it with Copia made it all the warmer.
When they calmed down, he mumbled, “Ahh, but it’s fun, it’s fun…”
“I’m sure it is,” They fell quiet momentarily. But Copia seemed to want to keep the conversation going. His sweetly accented voice cut again through the awkwardness.
“You have, um, attended a Christmas party?”
“Not here,” She replied. She couldn't see it, but his brows rose.
“No? Not at all?”
“No.”
“Well… ehm, may I ask why not?”
A question which made her fall silent. Alena pondered her answer, she knew of course why she’d never attended one of the Christmas parties, she just wasn’t sure how exactly to explain it. Just how much she should say.
“...I suppose I just…” She finally began to try and piece together her reply, “...never really felt like it. I never wanted to. I haven’t always been very..” Her eyes lifted to meet his gaze, “... comfortable with Christmas.”
“Mmh. I see,” Copia tilted his head, the look on his face made it clear he was trying to understand her, “Why is that?”
“Bad memories attached, I suppose.”
“Ohh. Gotcha,” His face softened and he folded his hands together. Alena’s troubled childhood - that was not new to him, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”
“Oh no, no, you didn’t really. You’re fine.”
“Do you… want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” Alena sighed, and looked down at her desk. She seemed disappointed, “More than anything I guess I just wish I could celebrate and be happy about it like everyone else does.”
“You are always welcome to.”
“I know, but… it’s hard. I wish I had better things to associate the holidays with, you know?”
Her eyes were soft and wet when she looked at him. And Copia felt a pang of pity inside his heart. He nodded, wishing he could pull her into his arms right then and there, hold her and tell her it would be alright.
“Si. Maybe that would be a good place to start? The party? To make some new, good memories instead.”
“Maybe. But I doubt I’ll be up for it, truthfully.”
“And that’s alright too.” When she looked back to him, he was smiling. Copia’s eyes were nothing but kind, as they always were, and it warmed her heart. “Whatever you decide, Alena, is perfectly fine. If you still need more time to be sad about it- that is okay.”
She could’ve cried. Instead, she made sure to hold it back and sucked in a breath, nodding and thanking him. “I appreciate it, Copia.”
“Of course. Hey, you know, perhaps you and I could do something together that night instead.”
“What? Oh, no,” As touched as she was, Alena shook her head. She looked at him, sorrowfully, “-I mean, I appreciate that, dearly. But I cannot ask you to skip the party just for me, Copia, I want you to go and have fun.”
“Bah,” He waved a hand, “How can I possibly have fun without you?” A question that made her blush. Alena felt something inside her stomach turn, but she chose to ignore it. Instead, swallowing the knot in her throat.
“The same ways you’ve had fun without me in the past, silly.”
“But that is different,” He sounded sorrowful, “There is no way I’ll be able to enjoy myself, knowing you are somewhere else, all alone. No, I cannot do that to you.”
“Copia…”
“I will not leave you when you’re sad.”
“I won’t be sad,” Alena insisted to him, crossing her arms over her middle in the chair, “I’ll be fine, Copia. Really. Please don’t skip the party just for me.”
“But..”
“I insist.”
He finally gave up, a defeated sigh leaving his lips. His eyes flicked over her for another moment, before he asked her, “Just promise me one thing, dolcezza?”
“Sure.”
“If you change your mind. Or if… if you’d need anything, anything at all. Please call me. Please. I want to be there for you. When you need it.”
She smiled. A genuine, grateful smile. And Alena nodded, “Thank you. You’re too sweet to me, Copia.”
“You will call if you need me?”
“I’ll call if I need you.”
“Good.” He returned the fond expression. Copia cleared his throat then, and swiveled his chair back to face his paperwork. He mumbled again, “..It is not for another week, anyways. Perhaps you will change your mind, uh? You are always welcome to come yourself, you know.”
“I know,” She picked up her pen. Alena drove it along her paper, but the ink didn’t make any marks, “..I guess we will have to see.”
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The closer they got to Christmas eve - the closer they got to night of the celebration - the less Alena wanted to go.
She had been right in assuming that she wouldn’t feel up to up. Up to the loud noise and the music and the crowds of people. Up to having to get dressed up and socialize and put on a smile. Most regular nights, she wouldn’t have had a problem with any of those things. She was a generally happy person, who liked other people and liked to mingle and party. But on a night like tonight, a night like Christmas eve, where things were supposed to be cozy, joyful, a night of hope and of family and love : she had a lot to mourn.
Alena felt bad telling her friends that once again, she wouldn’t be joining them. But thankfully, they were very understanding, and didn’t seem to mind. They didn’t pest or bug her, but instead, respected her wishes. She was grateful for that.
Earlier that day, Copia had called her briefly, as well. Wondering for a final time if she was to attend. To which she of course told him, no. He could tell over the phone that she was saddened by it, but there was very little he could do other than offer one last time that he’ll happily come over if she wants him to. Yet again, she insisted, ‘ Go to your party, go have fun. ’
But deep down, she wished she’d have asked him to be with her. She wished she’d have been more honest with him about what her heart really wanted. Maybe if she had, she wouldn’t have been strolling into the dark, empty library right now, all on her own.
Having worked there previously, and befriending the dear old librarian, meant that Alena was granted permission to use and access to the older woman’s keys to the grand area. Even though it had been awhile since she’d been to this room, the library was still like home to her, her comforting, safe space. It always had been, and she knew it always would be.
After struggling for only a second, Alena managed to get the door unlocked, and pushed the heavy wood open. She was greeted instantly with that familiar scent, the books, the recently put out candles, everything she’d grown to love about this place. It was almost nostalgic. And even though she was very alone, she was glad to be there.
Most all the congregation were at the party by now. It was well past 9pm, and one thing Alena always counted on when she couldn’t sleep, was reading. Although there was likely no one nearby, she still did not feel comfortable turning all the lights on inside the grand library. Instead, using a candle from the hall, she shuffled around until she could find the switch for all the silver string lights that had been used to decorate the area. The glow they created was just enough to illuminate her surroundings without alerting anyone. And it produced a beautiful feel inside the space. Alena smiled to herself.
She put the candle back, and began to make her way through the main area. One spot in particular had always been a favorite , every time she would come here for her own pleasure. Her favorite spot to sit, her favorite spot to read.
In the very back of the room, there was a small section of cushioned sofas and chairs, a warm carpet and at the head of the space, a fireplace. It was a very cozy spot to read or study in, especially in the wintertime, where the warmth of the fireplace was all the more desired. Right now, she hoped it would take away the chill that wouldn’t seem to leave her heart.
Alena pulled at the collar of her nightgown. When she arrived , she approached the fireplace to check that everything was sound. She remembered , in the previous years that she’d worked there, the cold winters and damp autumns, her old boss showed her more than once how to get a small fire going. She’d done it herself, many times. And soon enough, a little flame was dancing about the paper and wood in the enclosed space, and she had taken her seat on the carpeted floor, in front of it. Book in hand, legs crossed.
This was her ideal way to spend a Christmas eve. No worries, no cares, just herself, the fire, and the words beneath her fingers. To not have to think about things. Not of her life, or of her past. Just to breathe, just to read.
⋆｡˚❆˚ ｡⋆♡… ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ…♡⋆｡˚❆˚ ｡⋆
A sound of satisfaction slipped past Cardinal Copia’s lips as he placed the second and last mug of hot chocolate down onto the tray. Handle facing outward, right next to the plate of warm Christmas cookies he’d just spent the past few hours baking. They were gingerbread men.
Copia would generally consider himself ‘good’ at keeping his promises. Especially to those he truly cares about. Tonight, however, he would have to make one exception. Because this promise, no matter how much he wanted to, he simply couldn’t keep.
He did not go to that party.
Not for a long while, anyway. He stopped briefly, just to see his brothers and wish them their merry Christmas’s, to catch up briefly and plan a time for lunch the next day. But after that? He peeled right out of there. Very little, to no real reason at all to stay.
The Cardinal had other plans. Despite Alena’s reassurance that she would be just fine without him, fine without anyone, he just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very wrong. Much more wrong than she was letting on about. And the sensation was enough to keep him from sitting still. The last thing he ever wanted to do was leave his dear, beloved friend all alone on Christmas Eve. A night which, as she already explained to him, previously left a very bad taste in her mouth. All he wanted to do was make things better.
Copia glanced at the clock. Just past 10pm, on a normal night he knew Alena would still be up at this time, however, if she was feeling saddened by the world around her there was a chance she’d crash early. He could only hope that he hadn’t missed her.
He picked up his little tray, consisting of two mugs of hot chocolate, and a plate of freshly baked gingerbread cookies. A friendly gesture, and hopefully a reason for her to forgive him for coming over, even though she’d told him he didn’t have to. The ministry could have their party, they have them every year. He’d rather spend his night with her.
Before he left, Copia threw a cozy black sweater over his head, and stopped to make sure his hair looked half decent. Tied the laces of his gray sweats, and then he was off.
Luckily, it wasn’t too far a walk from where he resided, down to Alena’s dorm. He had the pathway memorized by now, and smiled as he thought about the times that they’d hung out together. He recalled sitting in her room, watching her crochet while one or two of his ratties ran around her bedroom floor or wedged between the pillows on her bed. His smile widened. How he couldn’t wait to see her.
When he made it, he took a breath, and placed a firm knock to her door. Seconds passed, and no reply came. He knocked again. Nothing. Leaning in softly, he called, “Alena..?” But still, only silence.
Copia began to worry. Maybe she had gone to bed already. It wasn’t impossible at all, if anything, likely. He felt disappointed. He decided last second, to reach forward with his hand and try the doorknob. Locked.
Peculiar.
The abbey dormitories were notoriously safe. Most siblings did not lock their doors if they were home. Going out, however, was another story. Maybe that was it. Maybe she wasn’t home.
But where would she be?
The answer came to him, right away. If Alena wasn’t here, there was really only one other place she might be. And if she wasn’t there, either- well, he’d have no choice than to just give it up, and go home. But he had to try. He had to, at the very least, go and look.
And when he arrived at the library, sure enough - he found the doors unlocked, and decorative lights on, inside. Someone was in there. And at this hour? Who else but Alena.
He pushed the door open with shoulder, thankful when it didn’t make too much noise. Glancing down at the tray, he hoped the items hadn’t gone too cold by now. Somewhere ahead of him, he could smell oakwood and the burning of a fire. Here, to sit by the fireplace and read, he thought, ‘ my kind of thing. No wonder I am in love with her.’
But as he neared closer to the back of the building, he began to hear something. A small, soft sound, that caused him to freeze up, and listen. When he finally realized what he was hearing, his heart sank. Gentle, slightly muffled, crying.
Alena was crying.
He’d recognize it easy, the tone of her sobs, he’d heard it too many times before. Any at all were too many, really. As soon as it settled on him, he picked up the pace of his footsteps. Rounding a bookshelf, he could see her now: there, just ahead, seated on the carpet with her legs folded in front of her. She was sitting just feet from the fireplace, with a book discarded to her right. And she was just crying.
It hurt his heart so deeply. He wanted to run to her, to pull her in close, to kiss her over and over again until everything was alright. But it wouldn’t be that easy, of course. How could it? Instead, he did the only thing he knew he’d be able to do. Carefully, from behind, he approached. He was trying not to scare or startle her, although he knew, he likely would. When he got close, he realized she sounded muffled because her face was covered, with one trembling hand. A pitiful sight. He felt terrible for her.
The area was lit mostly by the fireplace. A warm, orange light that filled the space with a comfortable heat, such a stark difference from the chilliness that filled most of the abbey around this time of year. Carefully, Copia took a seat on the floor beside her. She hadn’t noticed him yet, too lost in her tears and hidden beneath her palm. He set the tray down beside him, then scooted closer. When Alena still didn't react, he leaned over, and hesitantly, placed a hand to her back.
Just as he worried , she jolted immediately , gasping. Her head swung up and she looked at him, with alarmed, puffy wet eyes. Her body was tense, but almost as soon as she realized who it was, she relaxed. Copia guided her over against him, and she let it happen. Practically falling over and into his arms. As he rubbed her back, she wrapped herself around him and began to cry again, pressing her eyes into his shoulder. Copia hushed her gently, just holding her as he allowed her to get out whatever she needed to. Within a few moments, she had at least slowed enough to lift her head and speak to him.
“What are you doing here?” She asked , breathing coming through pants. Copia brushed a stray hair out of her face.
“I came to find you. Cara, dear thing,” His knuckles skirted her cheek, “Why are you crying?”
She did not answer the question. Instead, continuing to inquire, “How did you know I was here?”
“Because, bella. I know you.”
They went quiet, and she looked down, still crying softly. But it was silent now, the indication of her despair only evident in her tears. Eventually, she looked up again.
“I miss them,” Her voice was hushed, almost inaudible, “I don’t miss the people they were. I miss having a family . I-I miss…” it cracked then and she brought a hand to her chest, shaking her head as more tears fell, “...I-I don’t..”
“Hey, hey, shhh..” Copia pressed his forehead against hers, and closed his eyes. He could hear the pain when she spoke, he could see it in her face. He wanted to take it all away, “..It’s alright, Alena. You’re alright. I promise.. I’m sorry…”
“They were miserable, horrible people.” She continued, “I shouldn’t miss them. I-I’m glad I don’t have to deal with them anymore. But they were all I had,” She broke again, “-And now I have nothing .”
“You don’t have nothing,” Copia took her hands now, squeezing them between his own, “You will never have nothing, Alena. You have everyone here, you have… you have me . And I’m not going to let you go, not ever.”
She looked at him, eyes big and reflecting off the burning embers ahead of them. Alena continued to sniffle, for several seconds, just holding onto his hands as if her life depended on it. Eventually, she batted her eyes shut and took a breath.
“I’m sorry,”
“Don’t be. Do not ever be, you have nothing to say sorry for.”
“This time of year, i-it’s…” She paused to sniffle, “...hard for me.”
“I can see that. It’s okay, Alena. It’s okay. You are allowed to be sad. To miss things..”
She breathed, “I just want to move on-on from it. I’m in a much better place than I was.”
“But change is difficult.”
“It is.”
“I understand,” His arm was fully wrapped around her, gently rubbing up and down her shoulder in a soothing, consoling manner. Alena was leaned against him now, her forehead in contact with his neck. “...You are going to be alright, Alena. I promise you. You will be alright.”
“I think this is the first time. Since I’ve been here… that I’ve allowed myself to think about it.”
“And I’m proud of you for that.” Copia tilted his head so he could rest his cheek atop her scalp. He told her, “I know it’s hard, cara donna. But you must allow yourself to feel the feelings in order to get through them, mm? You have done that tonight. You are one step closer. I’m proud of you.”
And Alena hugged him. She hugged him tight. His nails brushed gently along her back , gracing the fabric of her soft pink nightgown and he continued,
“Change may not be so easy. But you are doing amazing, beautifully, you really are. You will get through it, Alena, and they will not hurt you any more.”
“Thank you…” She whimpered. “...I’m very glad you’re here, Copia. I’m very glad that someone cares.”
“I care so much, cara. So, so much. More than you know.”
“Why-why didn’t you go to the party?”
“I stopped by,” He replied, as Alena loosened her grip on him and finally sat up, “But they were not my concern tonight. I could tell you were not.. well. I couldn’t just leave you alone.”
“Awwh… Copia, you sweetheart,” She wiped her eyes. Now more than ever, he was relieved as all hell that he had decided to come to her. He’d never forgive himself if she’d been left in such a state.
Suddenly, he remembered the tray beside him and he turned, to reach for it. He brought it into his lap, and smiled coyly,
“I, ah, made this for us. For you,” he told her, “..ah, shit, I hope they aren’t cold.”
“Ohh, Copia… you did all this?”
“I thought it would be nice.” Carefully, he lifted one of the mugs and handed it to her. Alena brought it to her lips, testing the temperature before taking a nice sip of the chocolate liquid. She made a little ‘mmm’ sound.
“Oh, it’s absolutely wonderful.”
“Good, good,” he smiled at her. He lifted his own mug to try it- not exactly hot chocolate anymore, but, warm chocolate is good too. He picked up a cookie then, and handed it to her. Alena blinked.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Don’t speak such nonsense,” he tutted his tongue, “Of course you do.”
“You didn’t have to..”
“But it is a nice way to celebrate, no..?” He set the tray down then, on the floor in front of them. Maybe the heat of the fire would keep their chocolate warm. He watched, as Alena bit the head off her gingerbread man, and the way she smiled must have indicated it was very good. “...our own little christmas.”
“I think that’s exactly what I needed.” To his surprise, she leaned back against him once more. Resting her head against his shoulder. She took another bite of cookie, then let out a deep sigh, “...I like this. With you.”
“Yeah..?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m glad. Very, very glad.”
“If my Christmas’s could only be with you every year..” her voice sounded distant, and sleepy, “...well I think that would be just lovely.”
“Aww..”
“You make it easy, Copia,” Alena closed her eyes, “..you make things so much easier. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
He swallowed, for fear that he might start crying, next. Copia wrapped an arm around her, and with his free hand, lifted his chocolate again.
“...that is… that’s what I’m here for, bella.” He took a sip. And when he put his mug down, Alena let out a sigh. Not one of sadness or distress. A little more content sounding.
“Thank you.”
“Always. And if you want, hey…” he suggested then, tilting his head down until his nose brushed her forehead, “...if you’d like to spend tomorrow morning with me, Alena, you are welcome to.”
“With you..”
“And the rats.”
“And the rats,” She repeated, a smile finally forcing its way into her voice. She chuckled a bit, “Aww, babies… I would like that.”
“Bene. And… amate, if you still need time to be sad. That is just okay. You are always safe with me.”
“I know,” she breathed, “I know I’m safe. There is no one I would rather be with.”
Copia smiled.
How long they talked from there, neither were sure about. No one was really keeping time. All he knew was that, by the time the fire was beginning to dim, their mugs were emptied and the cookies near gone, Alena’s head remained on his shoulder. Eyes closed, mouth open, and her mind and body fast asleep.
He could have taken her, he could have carried her back to a warm bed to sleep in where he could have let her be. But the way her arms clinged to him, the desperation, her need to be comforted- that wasn’t something he so easily wanted to pull away from. He didn't care how long he had to sit there. She was at peace. She had been finally happy. What more could he possibly ask for.