Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Screaming heat.

Limbs weak.

Garrus’ voice behind her.

Pulled backward.

Away from the light.

-

Ashley stirred when her ears popped. Dust coated her mouth and nostrils, and she coughed herself awake

An orange glow bathed the world around her.

As her coughing subsided, Ashley tried to slow her breath.

She was lying on the ground. Someone or something had taken her helmet off. It laid next to her, cracks webbed across the visor.

James and Tali knelt next to her. Neither were looking at her. Nor were Garrus or Liara nearby. All of them were looking up. There was something impossibly bright in the sky. Too bright for Ashley to look at.

The heat returned.

It raced up her arm to her throat, she tried to scream but her mouth, dry and painful, trapped the sound. It faded to a horrid ache. Somewhere far off, she recognized the symptoms of shock.

She reached for something her senses could focus on, something to keep her awake. She found silence. No rattling M-8’s, no screaming abominations, no rippling biotics.

Snow muffling the movements of a shocked crew.

The light started to dim. It cast shadows through the sky. Alternating rays of darkness and firelight stretched to the horizon.

Something in the back of her head told Ashley she was looking at The Citadel. The light cast from somewhere near the Presidium.

She was being sworn in as a Spectre. She was pointing a gun at Shepard. She, Garrus, and Shepard were fighting Saren.

Shepard.

All pods accounted for. Watching shooting stars carved from her new home.

Another pulse of pain came up her arm. This time Ashley cried out.

Tali and Vega turned to look at her. James’ face was covered in dirt, streaked with blood and tears. Tali had some kind of seal over part of her faceplate.

Tali muttered something under her breath before meeting Ashley’s eyes. She continued “thank the ancestors you’re awake.”

Then James “we don’t know how bad the damage is. Hopefully the FOB is still up, we need to move you.”

Ashley thought she could hear cheering or singing somewhere far away.

“What? No we need to...” She tried to push herself to her feet but James held her down. “Let me go Vega–“ she saw her right arm.

The armor from her shoulder down her arm wasn’t Alliance blue, it was charcoal, disfigured. Her undersuit frayed and bubbled.

Sprinting.

Awash in the heat and blasts of Reaper weapons nearby.

Screams.

Harbinger towering over it all.

Shepard ahead of her.

A Reaper’s beam flying across the ground.

Her hand bright with pain and light.

The central beam pulsed.

Chapter Text

Ashley opened her eyes again. She saw people running. The roof of whatever building she was in had been blasted off. She heard pained moans mixed with laughs.

There was a folding chair next to her. A bag of blood was hooked over the back, a tube ran down to a needle in her hand. There were two empty bags hanging next to it.

The sky was night dark again. The Citadel and moon glowed in tandem. The Citadel was fractured now. Below it debris flamed through the atmosphere.

Doctors rushed around her. None seemed to notice her. She watched the debris fall.

A verse bubbled up in her mind.

Then with no throbbing fiery pain,
No cold gradations of decay,
Death broke at once the vital chain,
And freed his soul the nearest way. (1)

She drifted into fitful sleep.

-

When she woke again Liara and Doctor Chakwas were standing above her, arguing.

There were no more shooting stars.

“I’m not making the same mistake again Doctor,” Liara protested.

“And I’m not going to let you make a new one to satisfy your guilt,” Chakwas snapped.

Liara addressed Ashley this time, though she didn’t meet her eyes. “I tracked the Crucible’s debris path, I think it’s our best lead on Shepard’s body until we can re-establish contact with the Citadel.” Chakwas was doing something with the dressings on Ashley’s arm.

Shepard’s body. She felt nauseous.

“I want you to come with me this time.”

“Are you going to let her rest this time?” Ashley said, with more venom than she expected.

“If she isn’t still fighting, yes.”

“Liara,” Ashley sighed even Shepard couldn’t survive that fall. You remember what killed her the first time right?! Sometimes the people we love just die! But the words died in her mouth. She could see Liara was close to snapping and part of her wanted Liara to be right. Hated the thought of burying Shepard again.

Chakwas started to protest “she just woke up–“

“I’ll go.” I need to see her, to get closure.

“Hold on gunny.” Dr Chakwas said, “let me find whoever’s in charge. I maintain my right to the doctor’s veto.” Chakwas muttered “marines” under her breath as she stood and disappeared into a sea of medical jackets.

“How is your arm? … I’m sorry that’s a stupid question. I just don’t know what else to say, I feel guilt and joy and I don’t have any informat–“

“Liara slow down.” Ashley hadn’t seen her friend this scattered in years. Not since they’d found her in that ruin. “Help me sit up.” Every part of Ashley hurt in a familiar way. The kind of soreness that always accompanied a mission gone sideways. Adrenaline hiding the bruises and scrapes and fatigue until you finally took a deep breath and it all rushed back. She could manage that at least.

As she pushed herself most of the way up on her left hand, her vision started to swim, Liara supported her left shoulder and got her the rest of the way up. Once she was sitting and her head was settled, Ashley took a second to examine her right arm. James and Tali must have cut off her armor while she was out. She still had the lower half of her undersuit on, the remnants of the top half hung around her battle belt.

There was medi-gel over her right flank, shoulder, and upper arm. The skin underneath ranged from angry red over her ribs, to blistered around her shoulder. Her sports bra was scorched. Most of her arm was covered in dressings. Her hand was gone.

Gone.

She couldn’t feel much below her shoulder. Ashley stared at the place where the dressing folded over her wrist. For several moments the numbness spread to her thoughts. As if she weren’t looking at her own burns, her own dressings, her own arm.

She was outside her body, watching Liara watch her.

Liara held out a sweatshirt “I found this in one of the blasted out shops, I thought you might want it.”

“Thanks T’Soni,” when Ashly reached out to take the sweatshirt, she noticed Liara’s hand was shaking. Instead of taking the clothing, Ashley placed her hand on top of Liara’s. Liara made eye contact with Ashley for the first time since she’d woken up. “Thank you Liara.” They both took a deep breath. Ashley was back in her body. “I should probably wait for Chakwas approval to put it on though.” She said with the first hint of humor she’d felt in hours, maybe days. “How long was I out?”

“Several hours I think. Time has been slipping away from me,” Liara exhaled.

“Earlier, when the Citadel was, uh, lit up did it remind you of…”

“Alchaera? Yes.” Liara placed the sweatshirt next to Ashley and fidgeted with her hands in her lap.

“Me too.” Ashley whispered. “About last time, I never thanked you... it’s been… it was really nice to have her back.”

“Thanks… I doubted that decision until the day the Reapers arrived.” Liara was quiet for a moment, “Two years ago when you found out what I’d done, you put voice to all my doubts and fears. That’s why I took it so hard.” They sat in silent companionship, or mourning for some time.

Eventually Chakwas emerged from the crowd of medical staff. “I found the Chief Medical Officer. He said you need to take it very easy, but you can leave. I think he wants that bedroll for another patient anyway.” Chakwas looked haggard. Her eyes were red. Maybe she’d been crying too. Ashley had never known the doctor to cry.

-

The three of them left the field hospital. Ash now wearing the sweatshirt, her right arm in a sling. Beneath the sweatshirt, Chakwas had changed her dressings and added new ones.

Ashley’s body was still sore, her ankle twinged. She was grateful for it. A familiar, manageable pain she could focus on to put out everything else that was so wrong.

Chakwas led them to Cortez at a makeshift airfield nearby. He looked like he was trying to nap. James and Garrus were laughing nearby with a group of human and turian Marines, swapping stories from the sound of it.

As Ashley, Liara, and Chakwas approached Cortez stood up and opened his omni-tool. “Ready to go?”

Liara nodded. None of them could come up with words to acknowledge their next task.

James and Garrus noticed them and excused themselves. James had a dressing across one side of his forehead and some kind of brace around his knee. Garrus had a dressing over one of his forearms. “Where’s everyone else?” Liara asked Garrus.

“Tali’s getting her suit repaired, Javick said he had prayers to do, and comms are still out so I can’t raise Joker or EDI.”

Vega said “the Marines are fine. Most of them are helping with aid work right now.”

They all stepped onto the Kodiak without another word.

Chapter Text

-

Once the shuttle was in the air, Steve spoke back into the cabin, “one CSAR(2) team and some kind of Alliance research team are on site already.”

Dr. Chakwas hooked another bag of blood to a ring in the roof of the Kodiak. Ashley hardly noticed when the needle went into her hand.

The rest of the ride was quiet save the hum of the engine and occasional radio chatter.

-

The sun was starting to glow over the horizon when the shuttle touched down in a dry highland prarie. Ashley’s omni-tool told her they were somewhere in Armenia. Her torso was frigid, her legs still protected by her insulated undersuit. No matter the planet or time of year, highland mornings were always cold.

The arid dirt and grass were scorched where debris had come to rest.

Two other Kodiaks were parked nearby. Two closed body bags lined up in front of one of them. The larger debris field started 100 meters away. Two men were operating drones from there.

Ashley strode over to them, summoning all the confidence she could from her command persona, the rest of the group following her. One of the men heard them approaching and turned to greet her.

“First Lieutenant Pyotr, Alliance CSAR,” he offered his hand. Ashley shook it.

“Lieutenant Commander Williams, Alliance Marines. We don’t exactly have orders right now, mind if we join your search?” Please don’t recognize us. She looked off toward the debris field. Kilometers of twisted, blackened metal. Her heart sank.

If Pyotr recognized any of them, he didn’t mention it “be my guest, you’ll be saving my team a lot of time and effort.”

“Just point us where you need some muscle.”

-

60 hours later, they’d cleared 80% of the debris field. Much of it was too spread out to hide a body very well. A sky car had come around midday the second day. The driver, the most haggard requisitions officer Ashley had ever seen, had a word with Pyotr, unloaded food and supplies, loaded the body bags, and took off.

The research team didn’t cross paths with the Normandy team or the CSAR team much. Ashley figured they were trying to recover tech that had been developed for the Crucible.

Chakwas forbade Ashley from any exertion. All she could do to help was bring the teams food and occasionally water. She spent most of the days pacing or, when walking made her light-headed, reading through her backed up emails.

The only orders she’d received since she had woken up were to make herself available to local law enforcement officials for aid and peacekeeping duties, and standby for further orders. She suspected most marines had received those orders.

She still didn’t have any messages from her mom, Abby, or Lynn. God please let them be ok. She did have messages from Sarah though. They had come through when they’d landed on Earth a few days ago. Probably due to their proximity to the Citadel. Ash couldn’t bear to look at them now, knowing the terror they would contain. She sent Sarah a new message:

Sarah,

Are you ok? Please be ok. I’ll call you on the holo as soon as I can.

Love,
Big sis

Chakwas came to check on her several times a day, giving her pain meds or scanning her. Once she gave Ashley more blood.

That evening, doctor Chakwas was changing Ashley’s dressings in the Kodiak while everyone else ate MREs(3) around a small fire they’d built.

Lieutenant Pyotr was in one of the other Kodiaks finishing his daily report. James had volunteered to write Ashley’s reports for her for a while; she hadn’t contested him.

As Pyotr started to walk back toward the fire. Ash got his attention. “Lieutenant, who was in the bags?”

“One we couldn’t identify. Human male, shot in the head. Extensive cybernetics. Poor bastard didn’t even have fingerprints. We sent him off for dental ID.” Pyotr shook his head. “The other is Admiral David Anderson, according to his tags.”

“Oh David,” Chakwas gasped “how did he die?”

“Shot in the chest. His armor took most of the hit, he might’ve survived if it hadn’t been for reentry.”

“I hope he and Shepard found each other up there.” Ashley said without thinking.

Chakwas thought for a moment and then said with a mix of pride and humor “they did Williams, I’m sure of it. Two of the most tenacious marines the Alliance has ever created. If they were looking for each other nothing could’ve kept them apart.”

Ashley hoped it was true. She hoped, irrationally, the same magic would pull her and Shepard back together. Just having a body to bury would make this time easier than the last.

Pyotr waited several seconds to say anything. Eventually he said “you are from the Normandy then.”

“We are.”

“If I were in your position I’d probably be here too.”

“Thanks Lieutenant,” was all Ashley could think to say.

-

That night she dreamt of Alchaera. Shepard ordering her to an escape pod. She also dreamt of her and Shepard sharing the apartment hot tub. In her dream the apartment was still Anderson’s, they’d borrowed it from him while he was on Arcturus for something or other. She dreamt of Sarah, she had no idea what had happened on the Citadel itself. Whatever it was, Ash hated the thought of Sarah going through it alone.

Ashley woke up sweating. The sky was filled with stars. It was all too much. For months, years if she was honest, she’d told herself she couldn’t let her fear slow her down. There was a genocide to stop. Now the apocalypse had been canceled and everything she’d brushed off was coming back.

Garrus was sitting by the fire facing the wreckage. Ashley wrapped her bedroll around her shoulders and walked up beside him. “This spot taken?”

“No, have a seat.” They sat in silence long enough for one of the logs to burn out. Garrus put on a new one. “Do you remember the time…” his sub-vocals made a sound that Ashley thought sounded like a sob.

She’d never heard Garrus, or any turian for that matter, cry. She had assumed they couldn’t. But, she supposed, every species needed some way to let out strong emotions.

They sat long enough for another log to burn out. Ashley replaced it this time. She fumbled with the log for a moment, only able to pick it up with her left hand.

Ashley whispered “she always seemed so… invincible. Then she came back from the dead and… I keep expecting her to walk out of there unscathed.”

“I know what you mean. When she turned up on Omega, I thought I was seeing spirits. By the time we hit the Collector base I knew what Cerberus had gone through to bring her back, but the way she fought there, I started to think maybe even the void couldn’t keep her.”

They sat like that for hours: mostly silent, sometimes sharing stories, putting new logs on the fire. Ashley knew, and she thought Garrus did too, that when the sun came up they would finish their search. Either they would find Shepard’s body and have to bury her, or they wouldn’t and they would have to bury a ghost again. This was their last vigil.

The firelight danced on whatever strange alloy the Crucible was made of. She felt like a cavewoman. Instead of being scared of the dark, she was scared of the morning.

Just as the deep blue of the night sky started to give way to purple, Garrus leaned into Ashley. He was snoring. She fell asleep too. She didn’t dream.

Chapter Text

When Ashley woke up Garrus was gone. It was late-morning and the day was already heating up. She couldn’t see anyone from where she’d been sleeping. The whole right side of her body hurt.

Ashley opened her omni-tool cursing as she tried to type with her left hand. Even a short message to ask Chakwas to send her navpoint was a struggle. She didn’t have any new messages from the Alliance or her family.

She got up and found an MRE. Not thinking about what flavor - not that it mattered - or the process of opening it. All she noticed was the breeze, the sun, and the sand in her boots. She wouldn’t think of anything else. Couldn’t think about if or how they’d find Shepard.

At some point while she was eating Chakwas sent her a navpoint.

As she was starting to think she couldn’t have another bite of rehydrated sausage egg and cheese, her omni-tool pinged several more times. She ignored them, watching a pair of laughing doves build a nest in a tree nearby. She’d spotted their old nest the day before. It had been built in one of the branches torn off by falling debris. The nest scattered in the grass.

James ran up to her with a slight limp. “Ash vamos, there’s something you need to see.”

Ashley’s stomach dropped.

She followed James as fast as she could.

-

Everyone was gathered around one of the larger constructs. They’d searched it yesterday afternoon. “We already searched this part, there wasn’t anything but twisted metal” she said to the wind as they arrived.

“We missed something,” Liara supplied.

Then Ashley heard the roar of Kodiak engines. It settled into a deep hum as Steve brought the Normandy shuttle to hover over the twisted metal. Pyotr was on his radio, probably with Cortez. A massive hook hung below the shuttle. The CSAR sailors began attaching cables they’d run under or through the construct. Liara and the CSAR sergeant, also apparently a biotic, summoned a field around the lashed debris.

Steve pulled the Kodiak up. The cables strained. Liara and the sergeant pushed.

Slowly a massive chunk of the crucible was moving. Almost 200 meters of the Crucible’s metallic dome were airborne.

Beneath it was another mass of twisted, scorched metal but there were flat, wide panels, like a walkway.

One of the CSAR’s drone operators omni-tool’s started to ping. It pinged a lot. “We’ve got a trace!” She shouted.

Pyotr started shouting orders. With the twitching, energetic way the Normandy crew moved, Ash thought, it was clear they were all itching to rip the heap of debris apart. Everyone knew Pyotr was right though. They had to figure out which pieces of the debris were holding others up.

-

After an hour that felt like a day, they started removing pieces.

-

Two more hours passed. Shadows of hills, trees, and grass grew longer.

-

Ashley stumbled back. She had tried to lift something that should’ve been light and her shoulder burned in protest. The anesthetic was wearing off and the new pain in her shoulders was overwhelming. She laid down in the dirt.

Chakwas was by her side soon after. Scanning her. The doctor opened her mouth to scorn Ashley for exerting herself.

“Vitals! I’ve got vitals!” The drone operator shouted.

Clouds wheeled above Ashley.

Chakwas was gone.

Shepard’s warm, sturdy frame wrapped around her.

The cold metal of Shepard’s casket on her shoulder.

She forced herself to her feet.

Dizzy.

She approached the heap of debris and her friends crowded around it.

Garrus saw her and turned to make space for her.

Chakwas was kneeling.

Scanning.

Pyotr and his sergeant unfolded a stretcher.

Something moved between them.

Tiny movements of scorched ceramic.

The glint of tags.

Garrus’ talons rested on Ashley’s back.

Every breath held.

Leaving the air for someone who needed it.

-

Ashley sat in the corner of the CSAR Kodiak.

“Vitals are faint, standby crash box and compressions”

“Might just be the cybernetics”

Chakwas and the CSAR medics didn’t stop moving for the three hours it took to reach the nearest operational hospital.

Ash couldn’t look at Shepard. She was terrified of what she would see.

Chapter Text

The shuttle landed somewhere just as arid as they’d left.

Ashley didn’t hear most of what people were saying.

Once the hospital staff took over, Pyotr and Chakwas helped Ashley find a seat outside Shepard’s operating room. Chakwas brought some medical staff over to evaluate Ashley.

Later, Ash wasn’t sure how much, Liara arrived. “They’re struggling. I want to call someone, but you won’t like it…”

“Whoever it is, do it” Ashley said without inflection. Liara’s face was the only thing she could focus on.

The unease and fear she had seen in Liara’s eyes a few days ago was gone. Whatever she was thinking of doing, Liara knew it would give Shepard the best chance possible.

Liara keyed in a call on her omni-tool “Miranda, I’m sending an address. I have a… medical problem that requires your expertise.”

Ashley hated her, but she was grateful for at least one thing Miranda had done.

“In the meantime,” Liara was talking to her again “you need some sleep.”

“I can’t leave her again Liara.”

“I don’t think traveling to the world of dreams counts. I will make sure someone is here to watch at all times. When something important happens, they’ll wake you.”

“Alright you win, doctor Liara.” They both laughed, short and soft. “Can you stand watch while I find myself a blanket and a change of clothes?”

“I can,” Liara replied with a small smile.

-

This time it was Tali who woke Ashley. Tali offered her a steaming cup of coffee. There was a small cup of pills in her other extended hand. “Good morning Ashley.”

Ashley had been asleep for the better part of 2 days. Garrus, James, or Liara waking her occasionally with an update, or so a nurse could change her dressings or give her pills. “It’s good to see you, Tali. Did you get your suit fixed?”

“It took a while, and some requisitions from Liara, but I did. There aren’t many sterile suit patches left on Earth. Come with me, there’s something you should see.” They took an elevator up three floors. The elevator doors opened on a massive window. It looked like a kilometer or so to the shore. Some of the buildings were blown out, wreckage of Reaper craft here and there, but not nearly as bad as London had been. The streets were filled with people. Small fishing boats dotted the water beyond. Occasional skycars and trucks streaked overhead.

It almost looked like Sirona (4) as Ashley remembered it.

After a few minutes, Tali pulled on Ash’s good elbow. As they walked down the hall, signs indicated they had left the operating theaters and entered the recovery and monitoring floors.

They came to a stop outside of a room. Ash looked to Tali for information. Tali shooed her inside without a word.

There were three people in the room. One in the bed, two standing beside it. As Ashley stepped in, Doctor Chakwas turned to greet her. “Lieutenant Commander, it’s good to see you’ve had some rest and a change of clothes.” Her voice was as bright and proper as always, but there were deep shadows under her eyes. “I’ve placed you on medical leave for at least six weeks. So don’t worry about the Alliance right now.”

“Thanks doctor,” Ashley said with a small chuckle. “Now please get some sleep, you look like shit.”

Chakwas laughed, “for the first time in four years it feels like I can take a nap without one of my marines getting shot. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself.” Chakwas walked to the door. “You have my contact if you need anything,” and she was gone.

The other woman, who had been doing something on her omni-tool, closed it and turned to look at Ashley. Miranda.

Ashley felt itchy and angry. She thought about punching Miranda. Miranda who had forced Shepard to work for Cerberus.

But she knew it was more complicated. Knew Shepard had forgiven Miranda for most of it after they’d both left Cerberus.

Her anger drained.

Now that she could see Miranda for who she was, Ashley noticed that she had dark circles under her eyes too. They seemed wrong though, like the woman’s face wasn’t meant for this kind of fatigue.

“Miranda Lawson, I believe we’ve met before Lieutenant Commander Williams.”

“Once, on Horizon.” Ashley took a sip from her now tepid coffee. Keeping her face as neutral as possible.

“That was a… difficult day for all involved.” Miranda said. There was a hint of regret in her voice. “The commander almost shut the whole mission down after that.”

It took Ashley a moment to decide what to say. Medical machines beeped a slow rhythm behind Miranda. Since she and Shepard had gotten back together, Shepard had told her almost everything that had happened with Cerberus. All the times she’d almost quit. Every way she felt like she’d been brought back wrong. Ashley settled on “you didn’t give her anger issues again did you?”

“Hard to say. We didn’t have to rebuild as many of the complicated bits this time. The cybernetics we put in kept her heart beating, just like they were supposed to.” Miranda paused for a long time, complicated expressions passing over her face. “Rebuilding a person once was unprecedented, bringing someone back a second time… I have no idea how much one soul can take. Even Shepard.”

“I didn’t realize souls were an area of concern for you.” Ashley said, low and mean.

Miranda ignored her jab. “There’s nothing more I can do for her right now…” Miranda looked down at Ashley’s right wrist, “I assume Shepard told you about her shoulder and leg. If you decide you want to do something about that hand, Liara and I could figure something out. I owe her and Shepard more than a few favors.”

As Miranda started to leave, Ashley grabbed her arm as she walked past. “Thanks... for everything you’ve done for her.”

“Of course,” and Miranda was gone.

It was just Ashley and the figure in the bed now. Occasional skycars zipped past the window. The machines beeped.

Part of a poem came to her:
Soldier from the wars returning,
Spoiler of the taken town,
Here is ease that asks not earning;
Turn you in and sit you down.

Peace is come and wars are over,
Welcome you and welcome all,
While the charger crops the clover
And his bridle hangs in stall.(5)

Ashley approached the bed. One of Shepard’s hands was above the blanket. Three tubes ran out of her forearm. Most of her hand covered in bandages.

Ashley rested her own hand as gently as she could on top of the exposed hand. “Hey Skipper.”