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It was a cool autumn night that she had lived through a hundred times. The window was open, a breeze chilling the tip of her nose as they drove through the neighborhoods. Shauna should have been cold, but she didn’t notice much. She was too distracted with the weight of Jackie Taylor pressed against her side. This too wasn’t unusual, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t infecting Shauna in every capacity. She found herself to be a quiet observer, ruminating on the weight of Jackie’s head and how it pushed her shoulder until it dipped against the fabric of the seat behind her. It almost hurt, but wasn’t that the deal? She studied the sleeping girl, concentrating on the flicks of her eyelids and the twitches in her muscles. It was easy to watch Jackie sleep, it was something Shauna had become an expert in over the years. Sometimes it felt like the only time she could breathe.
She tried to forget where she was, turning her face back to the window so the cold air made her cheeks sting. It was hard though, with the Sugar Ray album blasting through the tinny speakers of Jeff’s car. Shauna was surprised Jackie was managing to sleep through it with it being coupled by Jeff’s off-key singing. He had the pleasure of driving the two of them home after a particularly rowdy evening drinking at Mari’s place. Jackie had been convinced they were moments away from having the police called on them for the better part of an hour at the end, but they somehow managed to make it through the night with no legal trouble. So now, they found themselves curled into the back seat of Jeff’s car, because Jackie had whined in the way she did when she was drunk, that she was too tired, and that she had to sit in the back with Shauna because “she’s just so comfortable”. How could Shauna say no to something like that? Jeff certainly couldn’t. She ignored the way the whole thing made her stomach swoop, blaming it on the copious amounts of Mabilu and milk she had consumed.
She felt Jackie twitch against her, her lips just barely moving as she uttered something Shauna couldn’t even begin to make out. She closed her eyes, trying to imagine what Jackie was dreaming about. She conjured the image of Jackie before practice, smiling and raving, attempting to get everyone excited about having to run suicides at 6 am. She thought of herself, standing next to her, arms crossed, eyes rolled to the back of her head, but a smile creeping its way across her face despite herself. It felt almost right for a while. The longer she held the image, the less clear she became. She watched herself warp and disfigure, like a smear of paint on a canvas, while Jackie remained her picture-perfect self. Shauna shook her head and opened her eyes, willing the image of them both to wipe away. She felt a wave of worry lap its way across her. Did Jackie dream of her too?
Fortune seemed to be in Shauna Shipman’s favor tonight because before she could let herself spiral any further, Jeff’s car pulled to a stop at the bottom of her driveway. He turned back to smile at the two of them, Shauna being careful not to outwardly project the amount it agitated her. She sighed a little, nudging Jackie gently, trying to wake her up. She lifted her head slowly, trying to get her bearings as Shauna gathered her things. She tried to ignore the way Jackie croaked out to Jeff, asking if she was home. She whined a little when she learned the answer was no, and even more when she learned Shauna was leaving her. Jackie flopped onto her side when Shauna slipped out the door, not having the energy to support her own weight. Shauna hoped no one could hear the small chuckle she let out.
“I love you, Shipman!” Jackie cooed at her, partially muffled by the fabric. Shauna smiled to herself, letting herself indulge for a single moment.
“I love you too Jax. I’ll call you in the morning” She assured her, before closing the door and turning to walk up the driveway.
Her mother had left the porch light on for her and Shauna made a mental note to turn it off when she got inside. She turned to look behind her, hoping for one last glimpse of Jackie just before the night was over. She instead was greeted by Jeff’s bright face watching her through the passenger seat window. He waved at her when he caught her eye, and Shauna waved back, telling herself she had to, it was the polite thing to do. She liked Jeff, she really did. He was a nice enough guy, smart in his own way, even if his jokes never seemed to work for her. Shauna just wished that there would be some finality in his relationship with Jackie. She had watched them break up and get back together what felt like a thousand times over the years, and she willed it to end every time. Of course, because she was Jackie’s best friend, they had many conversations about her relationship with Jeff. Those often made Shauna resent him even more, the way Jackie waffled about him. Sometimes he was perfect, sometimes she wasn’t even sure if she even liked him all that much. And Shauna always smiled and nodded and played the part of the perfect best friend, who bit her tongue and didn’t mention that she should just rip the band-aid off once and for all.
She saw the way she looked at him. Knew every single question and belief that ran through her head. She thought she would marry him, that’s how it was supposed to happen. Jackie talked about this perfect little version of her life she had all planned out. Shauna had been privy to it all, the ways Jackie orchestrated everything to her ideal. It made her stomach curl to think about. When they were younger, Jackie would spend sleepovers detailing her dream wedding, seeming so sure about every single detail, even the ones Shauna would have never thought about. Because of course, Jackie Taylor had planned what her wedding invitations would look like down to the font by the time she was 6. Shauna usually imagines where she fits into the plan. She always thought she looked a little miserable whenever she thought about it, a pinched grin plastered on her face she hoped wasn’t as obvious as it felt. She would be at Jackie’s side, in her pale pink maid of honor dress, clutching her bouquet like a lifeline. She always imagined herself the way she was in life: pushing everything down in an attempt to keep Jackie happy. It made her heart ache just to think about it.
There was one time she let herself imagine it differently. In this daydream, Shauna was a guest, anxiously waiting at the back of the chapel. When the pastor would ask if there were any objections, Shauna would stand, and scream out, desperate to get Jackie to listen to her. She never remembered what she said to her, but she did know she looked pathetic. It felt like the best option. In this version of the story, she would rather embarrass herself on the slight chance that Jackie would notice, and they would flee the church, run away to the city and live the rest of their lives haunting a shit box apartment together. She would rather look like a fool than let Jackie marry someone who wouldn’t make her half as happy. Not that Jackie, or Shauna for that matter, would think she was worth that. Shauna never let herself dwell on that fantasy again, bottling it up and tucking it away into some deep forgotten recess of her brain. That wasn’t how it was supposed to go. She was resigned to her fate after all.
Shauna unlocked the front door and turned off the light, tip-toeing her way up the stairs to her room. She didn’t bother to turn on the lights there when she entered, opting to shed her shoes and jacket into a heap on the floor. She climbed messily into her bed, laying on her back and staring at the ceiling. She sighed a deep sigh, letting her body settle as she studied the posters tacked above her, trying to make out their familiar patterns in the dark. This was how she found herself more often than not, especially when Jackie wasn’t sleeping over. She let her mind wander, swirling her thoughts together in one huge mass. She found her mind drifting over the time that Jackie dragged her church to with her parents. Something about how it would be way more fun with her there, and how it was on a Sunday so it wouldn’t even interfere with Shabbat. And Shauna had agreed, despite her reluctance. The whole time the pastor went on about the horrors of the world, the terrible things kids were doing these days, and how bent on evil they all seemed to be. The drugs they did, the sex they had, the people they kissed. How they needed to be saved. The whole thing made Shauna’s skin crawl. She sat there, stewing in her own discomfort, taking notice of the way Jackie’s eyebrows pinched together for a brief moment. Could she sense it? Did she know what Shauna thought? She knew Shauna inside and out, so she had to know that Shauna was the biggest sinner in the room. She declined to attend church with her ever again.
Remembering the whole thing made Shauna’s head hurt. She could feel herself flush, skin hot with shame. Her stomach curdled suddenly, giving her only just enough time to crawl out of bed to spill her guts in the trash can by her desk. She couldn’t imagine it got more embarrassing than this. At least she could blame it on the alcohol swimming through her bloodstream. She quickly changed her clothes before she could convince herself not to, before cocooning herself back into her bed. She felt dizzy, on the verge of something she couldn’t place. All of a sudden she found that she was more tired than she had been in a long time, like she couldn’t keep her eyes open for a single second longer. Maybe she deserved the rest tonight. She even didn’t have the energy to rip herself to shreds for thinking about the impossibly delicate skin in the crook of Jackie Taylor’s neck as she slipped into sleep. She could be angry again tomorrow.