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The ride home was dead silent, save for the soft pitter patter of rain hitting the windshield and the squeak of the wipers. The storm had nearly stopped, only the last small droplets still fell from the night sky.
“So are we just not gonna talk about it or?” said Nick from the passenger seat, though his eyes didn’t meet Frankie’s. He kept staring straight ahead.
“No we are not going to talk about it” Frankie replied, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. “We’re going to go home, get in bed, and realize this was all just a weird maple syrup induced dream.”
“He exploded into a pile of snowflakes and candy canes, Fish.”
“Like I said. Weird dream. Home, sleep, and wake up in the morning knowing none of it really happened”
“You can’t just nap all of your problems away babe.” Nick said with the barest tone of humor.
“But I can nap this one away.” Frankie shot back, perhaps a touch too harshly.
It had all happened so fast, one moment the two of them were leaving the Denny’s parking lot after a bout of the midnight munchies, the next they were accidentally running over a jolly fat man in a red suit. Oops. In their defense it was dark as shit, and what the hell is a Santa impersonator doing in a Denny’s parking lot at 2am anyways? At least they thought it was an impersonator. The whole exploding in a sparkly glitter cloud leaving nothing but empty clothes and Christmas cheer thing was still unexplained, but maybe he also moonlighted as a children’s magician. Or maybe this was all just a dream, and they didn’t just commit vehicular homicide on the day before Christmas, Frankie thought to himself.
The rain had stopped by the time they pulled into the driveway. Frankie relaxed his grip on the wheel and sighed. What he needed more than anything right now was about 12 hours sleep.
“Hey, you’re probably right” Nick said gently as he covered one of Frankie’s hands with his own. “This is all probably some dream, and we’ll wake up in bed with the dogs smothering us like always”
Frankie huffed a tiny laugh and bashfully said “Thanks for always putting up with me and my prickliness. I love you, Nicko.”
“Love you too.” Nick said as he leaned over the center console to give Frankie a peck on the forehead. “And I’m not ‘putting up with you’. Believe it or not, I actually like you for you, Frankie. Prickliness and all. Now come on- bedtime for both of us” he finished as he hopped out of the truck.
Frankie smiled to himself and briefly wondered how he got so lucky before getting out to follow Nicko indoors. He only made it about two steps before being blinded by a beam of light straight from the sky and a booming voice started ringing out in his ears.
“Francisco Morales.” the voice calls to him, “We are the harmony of the universe. The balance of fate. And you have killed Santa Clause.”
“Well shit.” Nick said beside him. “No luck on the dream thing I guess.”
“What do you want!?” Frankie asked, not fully believing he was actually alive right now.
“According to Christmas law section 46 article 7, any who kill the current incarnation of one Santa J. Clause, whether purposeful or otherwise, must then assume both his title and duties. As the slayer of Santa and harbinger of ruined Christmases, this now falls to you.”
“Are you fucking serious” Frankie asked a little hysterically. “You want me to be the next Santa. Me?”
“Yes”
“Can’t it be like, anyone else?”
“I’ll do it!” Nick chimes in, almost a little too cheerfully given the circumstances.
“Yeah, can’t Nicko be the next Santa?” Frankie asks. “He’s like ten times more Jolly than me. And his name is literally Nick. Can I just be Mrs. Clause or something?”
“You were the one behind the wheel.” The voice echoes out. “It was your actions that led to the unfortunate demise of the last Santa. Thus the law states that it must be you who restores balance to the universe and saves Christmas.”
“You seriously actually want me to be the next Santa Clause?” Frankie said, this time a lot hysterically. “You want me to be the guy on the sleigh delivering all the presents? The guy who millions of children around the world look up to?”
“Honestly no.” the voice replies “You’re kind of a mess. But it’s very clearly written here in the guidebook of Christmas law so none of us really have a choice.”
“Bummer. Sorry baby” Nick says as he puts his arm around Frankie’s shoulder in an effort to console him. “But hey, I’ll totally be your Mrs. Clause.” he adds with a wink. In an instant Nick is struck with a blast of lightning from the heavens, though he is miraculously completely fine (if a bit tingly) afterwards.
“Stop being horny for Santa.” the voice says to Nick “It is literally Christmas eve. He has important work to do. Save that for tomorrow.”
“Fucking- fine.” Frankie says. He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose- this whole situation is giving him a headache. “Fine. I’ll do it. I’ll be the next Santa Clause, just no more smiting my husband.”
“Excellent. First thing’s first, put these on.” the voice says as a long red coat, black boots, and signature Santa hat slowly float down from the heavens directly on to the ground in front of Frankie. Frankie stares at them for a full 30 seconds before the voice says “I was expecting you to hold out your arms and catch them.”
“Hey, why don’t I get a red suit and hat?” Nick yells. “We’re in this as a team!”
“That is not how this works.” the voice tells him. “There is one Santa Clause. We cannot simply-”
“Bullshit!”
“It is not. If you wou-”
“Santa is just a concept isn’t he? Why can’t we work together? Who says there can’t be two?”
“If you would listen to me I could very easily explain why-”
Nick interrupts them again, and Frankie sighs. His husband getting into an argument with god was not something he expected today, but considering everything that’s happened in the last 20 minutes he really shouldn’t be surprised. He tunes both of them out and starts putting on the suit, and by the time he’s done the omnipresent voice from above is grumbling something that sounds a lot like angelic swear words as a second pair of Santa clothes float down in front of Nick. Who also does not hold out his hands to catch them.
“These don’t fit at all” Frankie says annoyedly
“Yeah these are way too big” Nick says as he puts his own coat on
“One size only. No refunds.” the voice tells them “Now, on to our next matter of business. You will require adequate transportation.” and suddenly 9 full grown reindeer are also descending from the skies right onto Frankie and Nick’s front lawn, where they promptly begin eating the grass. The giant sleigh follows 2 seconds afterwards.
“Our truck isn’t good enough? We can’t hook the reindeer up to that?” Nick asks.
“I can’t fly” Frankie chimes in “My pilot’s license is still suspended. Isn’t that a problem”
“No, the truck is not good enough. And no, you do not require an American pilot’s license to fly a reindeer” The voice tells them, and moves swiftly along before they can interrupt with something else. “You will notice the giant toy bag in the back of the sleigh. There is a spacetime distortion portal at the bottom of it that is linked directly to the workshop in the north pole, so there is no need to worry about it ever running out of space. The naughty and nice lists are located in the glove compartment”
“Since when has Santa had access to spacetime distortion technology?” Frankie asks incredulously
“Since he replaced the elves with an automated toy making AI and started feeding the reindeer Monster Energy drinks. Any other questions?”
“Yeah, where the hell did the elves go if that’s the case?” Nick says
“Many of them now work as live theater performers all over the world. And before you ask, the previous Mrs. clause is currently in Oahu eating sushi off of a young man’s very well oiled abs, and no she is not particularly upset about you killing her husband.”
“Ok ew.” Frankie says with disgust “I promise you neither of us wanted to know that about Mrs. Clause. Can you please just tell us how to save Christmas or whatever”
“It’s exceedingly simple. All you have to do is go to every house with children, check the list to see if they’ve been naughty or nice, and then deliver the appropriate present. The reindeer already know the route. It would be wise of you to start now. Goodbye and good luck new Santa Clauses, and may the Christmas spirit be with yoooooooouuuuuuu” the voice echoes as it slowly fades away, the heavenly light growing dim as clouds cover the sky once more.
“Well that explained a whole lot of fucking nothing.” Frankie grumbles. Deliver presents to every single house with kids in the entire world. He’s going to have a migraine or a stress puke or both.
“Hey, look” Nick says, turning to face Frankie and holding his hands in his own. “I know this sucks shit and sounds really difficult. And I’m sorry you got roped into this when all we wanted to do was go eat bad Denny’s waffles at 1am. But I promise you I’ll be with you every step of the way. So what do you say? Let’s go save Christmas, yeah?”
Frankie can’t help but smile. A bright, earnest one. The kind only Nick is able to get out of him. “Yeah. ok.” he says bashfully before looking Nick in the eyes, newly determined. “How hard could it be? Let’s go save Christmas” he says, before giving Nick a short kiss. How hard could saving Christmas and also the balance of the universe really be when you’ve got a guy like Nick with you?
The answer to that question was apparently “Pretty hard but not as difficult as something like rocket science or open heart surgery”. All things considered, it actually went spectacularly well for two middle aged men who’ve never done the whole saving Christmas thing before. By the time they’re done they’ve only broken 12 windows, displaced 52 people’s shingles, set off 34 car alarms, and accidentally mixed up one set of presents (Sorry ashley mckinney and ashleigh mickginny).
By the time they get back home it’s well past 10am on Christmas morning, and they might crash land just a tiny bit in their own front yard, but they’re both too tired to care. The moment they step off the sleigh the reindeer take off on their own, presumably back to the north pole, leaving nothing but torn up grass in their wake.
As they finally open the front door they’re greeted by Gene and Pope, both excitedly licking at them and undoubtedly worried about why their owners didn’t return last night. They both filter into the living room and shed the oversized Santa suits, dogs in tow, Frankie getting settled on the couch and nearly falling asleep before Nick sneaks up behind him with a gift in hand.
“Merry Christmas, Fish.” Nick says warmly, before quickly adding “this one’s from me, not the stupid magic sack.” Frankie laughs, light and unburdened, as he unwraps the gift to reveal a beautiful outdoor coat, sturdy and well insulated. Before Frankie can say anything Nick adds “Check the inside- I left a message for you.” Frankie slowly looks at the inside of the coat to see the words “Love you always & forever - Nicko” carefully embroidered across the upper left side.
“I- Nicko…” He says while sniffling a bit, tears threatening to form in his eyes “I love it. I love you.” he leans forward and captures Nick’s mouth in a sweet kiss. “I love you so much” he says into Nick’s mouth during the small moments when they break away “Thank you. I got you… something too.. It’s…” he trails off, eyes closed and mouth still slightly open. Nick has to stifle his laugh when he realizes what’s happened
“Goodnight, Frankie” Nick whispers as he presses a kiss to his sleeping husband’s forehead and curls up with him on the couch.