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Deafening silence shrouded the gloomy basement of Gibbs' house and there in the corner sat a still Ex-Mossad Officer in the pitch-black of the midnight. Her body was rigidly straight as she sat on a wooden bench in the most hidden corner of the basement.
She had been triggered today by an innocent young man who had no ties to the cruel man who had tortured her for three whole months but the widower looked so much like Saleem, it was so uncanny.
After she met the widower, her mind was deluged with the most disturbing and graphic images of an uncontainable urge to slowly kill Saleem's look-alike and make him suffer for what the monster did to her and all the trauma he inflicted on her.
All day, she tried so hard to control her urge to not harm the innocent widower of a serious crime and the trained assassin had no idea how she made it out of the bullpen without anyone's life ending from the result of her bare hands.
Tonight, she had no idea what she was doing in Gibbs' basement maybe it was because subconsciously she felt the safest there. She had come here to think, trying to clear her head from the hectic day but her mind was blank, thoughtless except for the bloody images in her head. She felt different ever since she was back, like nothing was right, she had changed. Something was wrong with her, something was definitely wrong but she didn't know what was wrong.
Her mind shut down as her brain and rational thoughts lost control, the world in front of her eyes blurred into nothing and everything was hazy as if she was looking through a thick fog. She was tightly wound up so badly that her muscles contracted almost painfully all over her body.
She zoned out and the only thing she could hear was her own heart beating thunderously loud in her ears as blood rushed through her veins boiling like lava, burning her from the inside out. The outside noises drown out into the background of her mind to a distant land. It was textbook dissociation.
Then suddenly the door opened and warm light from upstairs flooded in as heavy footsteps descended the stairs. But Ziva didn't notice any of the changes from her spot as she continuously sat stiffly staring straight ahead into nothing in particular.
"Ziver?" The person near the stairs squinted to see a still figure in the darkness. And once he confirmed who he thought it was, he started again. "I was worried Ziver. I came looking for ya at work but you left before we could talk." And the figure in the corner jerked her head up.
But there was no answer so he came closer to the other person on the wooden bench. Then he saw wild, dark eyes staring straight back at him with a glassy-eyed expression clearly written across her face. Whatever was going on through her mind, he was sure that she couldn't hear him.
For a moment, she was frozen like a deer caught in headlights, paralyzed. Then, she registered that someone was there and they were going to harm her. Her mind instantly roared, alarms blaring earsplittingly and her fight response kicked in hard.
Slowly, she stood up slightly shaking, her movements jagged. She sauntered forward, eyes hollow and haunted, each step unsteady, a zombie. And suddenly, it came so fast, her hand raised, there was no time to react.
Her arm swung out into a hook and went for the weak points instinctively, going for the jugular. But her perspective was off as her sight was hazy and missed the other person's face by nearly inches. Then another punch came and another one over and over again to the figure with no face, her rage was lashing out.
She just knew she was in danger and she had to protect herself. Her tormentor was in front of her and now that she was free, she could hit back, she could stop him from hurting her. He had yelled at her with degrading language for months, cold-heartedly watching her thick, red blood drip down the newly formed scab and made her feel worthless as he battered her.
She didn't want to go back there again, she was in a living nightmare, and she had to wake up no matter what. She had to kill him, she had to kill him before he killed her. It was a matter of survival. Then there was a buzzing in her ears like the other person was talking to her but she couldn't hear the words being said.
One after another, she swung her fists at him. She wasn't in control anymore and she wouldn't remember what happened while she was blindly throwing strikes at her human punching bag, mind blank with only rage. Again and again, the punches came and the other person dodged them quickly like he was trained to do so.
She was getting more and more enraged, she couldn't land a single hit, and the more misses, the more determined she was to kill. She was a trained assassin! She should be better than this. She wanted to kill him so badly. She kicked and punched and screamed aimlessly.
The figure caught a glimpse of her face while she was attacking him and it seared furiously with violent anger. She growled and snared like a dangerous wolf, like she was attacking to kill, about to rip him apart as blind fury raged through her.
She put all her might into those punches, swinging fiercely. She was born to kill and she was going to fulfill her purpose just as her father taught, and now Saleem was going to get what he deserved - to die.
She was attacking him for no reason, she had no idea what she was doing. At the next fist coming in, the figure blocked it with his arm and shouted through the raging storm in her ears. "ZIVA, PLEASE STOP! IT'S ME!" His voice rang through.
It was Gibbs' voice, she registered, It was Gibbs! It was not Saleem! It was like she jolted awake and everything was clear again. She could hear again and it was like the haze broke. Her sight became clearer and she could see Gibbs' face in front of her, staring in concern. Breathing heavily, she backed up.
Then, she realized what was happening as her brows furrowed, it was as if she had woken from a coma, her sensations were on fire, her memory was blurry. She stared down at her hands and opened and closed them since it was sore as she clenched them so tightly. "What...?" She had no recollection of what just happened, but whatever it was drained the life out of her.
"Ziver..." Gibbs stepped closer testing the waters to see if she was going to attack him again. "Do you remember what happened?" He asked in a soft, gentle voice she had never heard him use before.
She wrecked her brain trying to find answers but nothing came. It was like she had blacked out, she had no memory, no consciousness of what just happened. "I think..." She blinked rapidly, "I think... I was trying to kill someone...?" She said hesitantly, her words were choppy, she was extremely confused.
What did she do? She stared in horror at her own hands, she was now terrified of her own strength. She knew how strong she was, she could take a grown man down with a single blow, a man twice her size head on and still win. "D-did I hurt you?" She asked with a shaking voice as she took unbalanced steps backward, it was not like her to break so easily Gibbs was concerned.
"No." He answered in a calm voice. Oh, thank God! Gibbs was staring at her worried, the trigger pulled her over the edge of her 'fineness'. Every day he asked her how she was doing and every day she tried to convince him that she was perfectly fine, denying that the three-month-long capture didn't affect her that much.
The trained assassin needed help, she can't go on a homicidal killing spree every time something triggered her, thankfully with his marine combat skills no one got hurt. Gibbs felt really bad for his little girl, she was triggered so badly she didn't know what happened. He was worried about her sanity. His little ninja. "But, you were attacking... me." He said the last word so quietly, his voice dropped off.
"Oh god!" She collapsed down to the ground, her legs not supporting her weight anymore as she cried out in pain. Her heart plummeted, as she whimpered in pain. She rubbed her hand harshly over her face, wanting to gauge her eyes out. Her other hand came down to her chest and held a fist over her heart, wrenching in pain, wanting to claw her heart out.
Swiftly, the father figure rushed forward to hold her in his arms as she broke down in front of him. Tears started to form as she curled up into herself, wailing in pain. Her breathing was labored like invisible hands were tightening on her throat, choking her. She was sweating profusely.
She blamed herself, her head screaming hurtful, spiteful words at her. It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault... The roaring in her ears just got louder and louder, and she was now muttering those words under her breath.
"Ziver, it's not your fault." Gibbs consoled his little girl as he cradled her head in his arms. "It's my fault that I let you go, it's Saleem's fault, it's your father's fault." That struck a chord within her and she stopped crying abruptly, but her breath was still jagged and she turned her head to look into his warm blue eyes questioningly.
To the nonverbal response, Gibbs said, "It's your father's fault for leaving you to die there in that hellhole." The father figure smiled kindly at her as he stroked the smooth tan skin of her cheeks with his calloused thumb. "Blame anyone else but yourself Ziver. I know you have done that enough, more than anyone could in a lifetime."
"But... I attacked you... I could have hurt you..." She sniffled and sat quietly, looking away at the ground and shame. Imagine how much damage she could have done while she was on a homicidal rampage. The demons in her mind were coming back out to play. But why wasn't he angry? He should be angry, she just tried to kill him! "I believed you were Saleem."
"It's okay Ziver, I'm alright. You couldn't have known that the widower would look like him." He said soothingly, "It's my fault I should've checked on you sooner, we could've avoided this whole ordeal that made you so exhausted."
She was now lying motionless in his arms barely having the energy to breathe. "You're safe now Ziver. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore." He kissed the top of her head softly and Ziva knowing that she had her father figure protecting her, she slowly relaxed and fell asleep from the paralyzing exhaustion.
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