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Sieun sees the guys from far away. They're gathered by the underpass, leaning against the walls, smoking cigarettes and throwing the stubs on the ground.
This is the Eunjang Sieun has gotten used to in the past weeks. No adults in sight, just angry and fucked-up teenagers gathering in gangs on narrow streets and dark underpasses, preying on weaker students from their school or the surrounding ones. Sometimes it's for money, sometimes for status, and sometimes just to simply get the rush from beating someone up.
Whatever their reasons are, Sieun finds them all pathetic.
Sieun is no stranger to violence. He can use it, and he does, sometimes so that it makes him almost worried. But he never lets it out for no reason, never starts a fight just to lift himself up. Sieun doesn't care about himself enough to do that, anyway. To him, fighting is a necessary evil. Through fighting he can channel the anger inside him towards someone who deserves it. Sometimes when he fights, the faces of his opponents turn into other people. Into Youngbin and Taehoon and Jungchan, into Wooyoung and even into Beomseok.
And sometimes, those people present themselves in his nightmares. Too often he sees Suho kicked into pulp in the boxing ring, the nauseating echoes of the thuds ringing in Sieun's ears as they keep kicking Suho who's already passed out. On those nights, he wakes up sweaty and panting, dread in his every cell, desperately calling out Suho's name.
It has gotten better now that Suho is awake and out of the hospital, but the rage is still there, alive and ready to burst out when provoked.
So Sieun just keeps fighting. Eunjang is merciless, and Sieun still remembers how he almost wanted to simply give up in the beginning.
That was before Suho woke up, though. Now, the thought of getting to take the bus back to Seoul to see his best friend is the only thing keeping him going.
Inevitably, Sieun's steps lead closer to the group of people below the underpass. There are only three of them, and for a second Sieun dares to hope that they are just going to let him pass.
"Hey, you!" one of them shouts, clearly looking at Sieun. So much for passing by unnoticed, then.
Sieun doesn't let his expression falter and he keeps walking.
"I'm talking to you, twig," the same thug continues. He's tall and his ears are pierced, and there's an unpleasant expression on his face. The three of them have now moved to block the underpass. There's no way Sieun will get past them without a fight.
"What do you want?" Sieun questions with a blank stare.
"Look at this fucker, he dares to glare at me," the middle guy laughs, obnoxious and loud.
Sieun pays him no mind.
He assesses the situation. The one in the middle seems to be a big talker, but that might be all he's capable of.
The other two look tall and relatively strong, but they seem to be just the third one's underdogs. Sieun can outsmart them.
"You don't happen to have any cigarettes on you, do you?" the guy asks, moving closer. Sieun waits.
"No."
"Then I'm sure you can go get us some. Isn't that right, pretty boy?" he spits with an awful grin. The dogs laugh, loud and sarcastic.
"I don't think so," Sieun replies. His hands are itching for a punch, but he can't, not yet. He has to wait it out.
"What was that?" the guy asks with a fake smile. Sieun notices his hands curling into fists. Almost there.
"I said no. Is it that hard to get it through your thick skull?"
The guy's nostrils flare and Sieun almost smiles at how easy people like him are to rile up.
The guy scoffs and moves even closer. "What the fuck was that?" he asks slowly.
His shoulder goes back suddenly, but Sieun has been waiting for exactly this.
Quick as lighting, he shoves his knee into the guy's stomach and then goes for a punch in the face with his elbow, as hard as he can.
"Fuck!" the guy screams as Sieun's punch hits him in the mouth. He doubles against the wall and holds his mouth with his hand.
"This little bitch hit me!" the guy laughs manically and tries to get up. Sieun kicks him in the stomach as hard as he can and he doubles over again.
Sieun ignores him for now and focuses his attention on the other two instead. It looks like the situation has just barely registered in their brains as their brows start to furrow.
Sieun doesn't waste any time. He aims a precise punch to the other's chin, right to the sweet spot, and the guy's eyes roll back and he collapses on the ground. One out of three.
The other one looks surprised and angry to see his friend black out from just one punch. His hand clenches into a fist and it swings toward Sieun, but he dodges. He wastes no time as he slings his backpack off his shoulder and swings it right to his face.
The guy loses his balance from the force and falls to the ground with a thump. "What the fuck?" he manages to growl before Sieun is on top of him, bringing down his backpack on his face again and again. The guy yelps in pain but Sieun doesn't care. He's grateful for the three hard cover books he has inside the bag. The guy's face is already bloody.
Sieun puts all his power into one more hit and he's satisfied when the guy's head falls back against the concrete.
Sieun gets on his feet quickly, but he doesn't have time to dodge the punch that hits him in the back of his head.
He stumbles to the side and his ears ring. That first guy has got to his feet, and the leader is clearly the strongest of the pack.
"What the fuck are you?" he growls, but Sieun can see that a part of him is starting to get scared. He knows what he's thinking. How could a short guy like him take out his friends like it's nothing?
The guy is furious. He goes for another punch, but Sieun dodges. He doesn't seem to understand that Sieun can see his every move written on his face, on his body.
The guy's fist goes back again, and this time Sieun lets the punch connect with his cheek. It stings, and Sieun knows there's going to be an ugly mark on his cheek by the end of this. Another thing he has to explain to Suho when he goes back to Seoul again. But he can't afford to think about that right now.
The guy seems satisfied to have gotten a good punch in. Unfortunately for him, he's playing right into Sieun's plan.
Sieun drops his hurt act quickly and kicks the guy's knee, sharp and precise. When he doubles over, Sieun gathers all his strength and punches him in the face.
The guy falls to the ground with a thud. "Fucking psycho!" he screams, and Sieun can see that he's too frustrated to be anything of a challenge anymore.
Still, Sieun doesn't relent, but leans down and focuses all his strength into his punches. The bastard fights back and gets a few punches at Sieun too, but his aim is losing focus.
Sieun pulls his fist back and punches him again and again. Suddenly, this guy is everyone he has ever wanted to hurt. He's Youngbin and Wooyoung and Beomseok, he's Hyoman and all of these new Eunjang fuckers.
Sieun's knuckles connect with the guy's nose with an awful cracking noise that seems to echo from the walls of the underpass. But Sieun doesn't care. Instead, he feels a sick sort of satisfaction as the guy's head falls back and he collapses against the concrete. He punches him again and again and again.
He goes for yet another punch, but before his fist can connect with the fucker's face, somebody yanks him back almost violently.
"That's enough!" the person shouts in a low voice that Sieun doesn't recognize immediately.
He tries to shake the person off, kick and punch at him, but he's stronger, and he pushes Sieun against the wall forcefully.
Sieun lifts his gaze to glare at the stranger, but when he faces him, all the fight in him vanishes.
It's Suho.
Suho, who's panting, his jaw set and his eyebrows furrowed.
Sieun doesn't understand how he is here.
Suho's eyes look dark, and he has a red mark on his cheekbone, and Sieun is hit with the nauseating realization that he did that.
"That's enough, Yeon Sieun," Suho says, his voice icy as his mouth settles into a straight line.
His words set a cold feeling in the pit of Sieun's stomach. Suho never calls him by his full name like that, never takes on such a serious tone.
"Suho," he says, voice barely over a whisper, and he sounds pathetic even to his own ears, like a kicked puppy.
Suho takes a step back, and he looks conflicted. Almost like he's afraid. Sieun flinches.
He looks behind Suho, around them, and sees everything from a new perspective, as if through Suho's eyes. Two of the Eunjang students are still laying on the ground, bloody and beaten and unconscious. One of them has started to get to his feet, though, but his movements look slow and hazy. Sieun's backpack lays uselessly on the ground, and Sieun is sure there are spots of blood on it, too.
He looks down at his hands, still curled into fists. His knuckles are bloody, and there are little splatters of blood spotting his arms. His hands are shaking.
He's horrified of himself. And by the looks of it, Suho is too.
He should be.
He should never want to see Sieun again.
"I'm sorry," Sieun says uselessly, his voice breaking.
Suho doesn't say anything, but Sieun can see the disbelieving look on his face. Like he can't stand seeing Sieun like this.
Sieun doesn't know what to do. He runs a hand through his hair and then tries to rub off the blood from his knuckles.
It doesn't work.
Sieun isn't the type to run away and avoid the situation at hand, but this is too much, even for him. He pushes Suho away from him and goes to take his bag.
And then he's running.
"Sieun- wait-" he hears Suho say as he sprints away.
He knows Suho is fast, but Sieun is faster with all the adrenaline still going through his body, and he knows all the shortcuts in the area.
And anyway, he thinks bitterly, Suho isn't going to follow him, not after what he saw. He's probably horrified, thinking of a way to cut Sieun out of his life completely.
Sieun's feet take him to his apartment automatically, and it's the same logical instinct that makes him get in the bathroom and clean himself up.
He looks in the mirror quickly, and he can see the ugly red bruise on the side of his face from the punch he took there. There are even droplets of blood on his face. It hurts to move, and he grimaces as he tries to squeeze his eyes shut.
He can't stand looking at himself for any longer. He turns away from the mirror quickly and gets in the shower.
He starts by scrubbing off the dried blood on his knuckles, and the water stings where his skin has broken open. It hurts. It's almost punitive.
Sieun thinks he deserves it and way worse.
He closes his eyes shut and he sees Suho's hurt expression in his mind. It's like it's burned to the inside of Sieun's eyelids. He can't shake it off.
He never wanted Suho to see him like this.
Sieun in Eunjang and Sieun with Suho are two different people. Eunjang Sieun doesn't care about crossing the line. He can't. Not when he knows what it would lead to.
Suho's Sieun is calm and reasonable, and never even toes the line. At least not in a way that Suho would find out about.
Now though, Suho has seen it. The real him. What he is capable of.
Sieun will never forget the look in Suho's eyes.
He looked betrayed.
Scared.
He rubs the shampoo in his scalp, and the pain in his hands worsens, the cuts burning at the contact with the shampoo. He doesn't mind it and scrubs harder.
Sieun barely dries himself up before getting dressed and collapsing on the floor next to his bed.
The shame burns behind his eyes and in the bottom of his stomach like coal.
There's a knocking sound somewhere. Could be Sieun's door. He doesn't care.
The knocking stops for a while and then starts again. Sieun sighs.
Just when he's about to get his earphones to drown out all and any sound, he hears it.
"Sieun."
It's Suho's voice. It's muffled by the door, but Sieun would recognize it anywhere.
Suho's voice sounds different from what it did before, though. It's almost pleading.
For a second, Sieun just freezes. He doesn't want to face Suho. He can't face him. For a moment, he regrets giving Suho his new address.
Still, eventually, like a moth to a flame, his feet take him to the door, and despite hesitating with his hand on the handle, he twists it open.
"Hey," Suho says softly, and Sieun looks at his shoes.
Then, reluctantly, he lifts his gaze up to Suho.
Suho's hair is tousled, he notices. Like he has been running his fingers through it.
Sieun wants to push him away, tell him that he should get away from him, but in the end, he doesn't have the strength to. He cannot do that to Suho anymore, not after what happened the last time he did.
So he makes way for Suho who comes in without a word. They stand there in the hallway, just staring at each other. It reminds Sieun of another time like this, in a different apartment, in a different setting.
This time, Sieun feels like Suho won't turn and leave, no matter how many avoiding answers Sieun gives him.
"You shouldn't have ran away, Sieun," Suho starts finally and swallows, fidgeting with his hands. "And what happened back there..." Suho looks at the floor, at Sieun's shoulder, at his feet. "It was dangerous, Sieun-ah. Don't ever do anything like that again," he continues, and this time there's an edge to his voice. Suho is mad.
That guy deserved it, Sieun wants to say, but the persistent voice inside his head questions, Did he?
"I'm sorry, Suho," he says, and his throat is tight but he continues through it. "I crossed the line. I should have stopped in time. I should never have-"
Suho freezes. He looks confused for a second.
"Sieun," Suho says sternly. "That's not what I'm mad about." He still sounds angry, but a bit disbelieving too, like he can't believe Sieun would misread him like that.
"But what I did to that guy- If you hadn't stopped me-"
"I don't care about that guy. I care about you," Suho interrupts him firmly. "I'm mad because I don't wan't you getting hurt. I need you safe. Do you understand?" He sounds a little desperate, and the words hit Sieun like a punch to the stomach.
Suho cares about him. Way too much for his own good. Way more than Sieun deserves.
"There were three of them there, Sieun. Didn't I tell you to run away?" Suho is scolding him, but there's something else in his voice, too. Worry. Pleading.
"You don't get it." Sieun's eyes burn. He takes a deep, shaky breath and goes down, sitting on the floor like a child.
Suho follows in his wake and kneels down. "Get what?" His voice is firm again.
"That I'm not like you. I'm not a good person," Sieun says, his voice barely louder than a whisper. "You saw what I did back there. You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't want to-"
"Sieun-ah," Suho interrupts him. His tone is firm, and when Sieun doesn't look at him, he grabs his chin gently.
Hesitantly, Sieun turns his tearful gaze towards him.
"That is not true," Suho says, carefully enunciating each word.
"When I told you you were a warm-hearted person, I meant that. I can see the light in you. I can see the real you," Suho says firmly. Like he needs Sieun to understand. "Yeon Sieun is a good person. He's patient and soft and caring." Suho says, his voice almost a whisper. "He's smart and funny, and he has the most heart-fluttering smile."
Sieun chokes on a sob.
Then, Suho moves his hand from Sieun's chin to caress his cheek impossibly softly.
Sieun's lower lip trembles, but he can't turn his gaze away from Suho anymore. His eyes are open and honest and Sieun can see the truth in them, can see the way he means every word he says.
A single tear rolls down Sieun's cheek, and something in Suho's gaze changes. "Come here," he mutters lowly and spreads his arms.
Sieun feels like he doesn't deserve such an act of kindness, but doesn't hesitate to lean forward and sink into Suho's arms.
Suho is warm and soft and he wraps his arms tight around Sieun's body.
For most of his life, Sieun has felt unworthy. Unworthy of love, of caring, of a touch that wasn't meant to hurt.
But Suho touches him like he matters. Like he is worthy of gentleness. Like he deserves to be taken care of.
Sieun can hardly bear it.
He can't stop the tears from falling anymore. He cries for himself and for Suho. He cries for the little boy inside him that never got to experience much affection growing up, for the person he has become, for the innocence he has lost. He cries for Suho who doesn't turn away from him, not even when he's at his worst, bloody and broken.
Suho doesn't say anything and simply lets Sieun calm down in his arms. His other hand goes up to the back of Sieun's head and he combs the strands between his fingers.
"Do you believe me?" Suho asks carefully when Sieun's sobs have slowed down and his breathing has evened out.
Sieun is not sure if he does, but he nods, unable to find any words yet.
"Okay," Suho hums softly and pulls away slowly. Sieun wants to whine like a child and tell him not to move, to come back, but he doesn't, and allows Suho to put some distance between them.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up," Suho smiles softly at him. It ignites a pit of something warm in Sieun's stomach.
"I already showered," he says.
"I can see that," Suho takes a strand of Sieun's hair between his fingers and tugs at it gently. "Your hair is dripping."
Sieun manages a huff, but it has no edge to it.
"And I wasn't talking about taking a shower, anyway. I meant your face," he says, and his expression turns more serious. "It must hurt a lot," he continues quietly and brushes the bruise on Sieun's cheek lightly.
"It's fine," Sieun mumbles, feeling a sudden blush creeping up his face. Even in a situation like this, he can't help it.
"It's not fine," Suho argues and lifts himself up from the floor. "Come on," he says, offering a hand to Sieun.
Sieun takes his hand and lets Suho pull him up, and then doesn't protest when Suho practically manhandles him onto his bed.
"Stay there," he tells Sieun with a look and leaves, only to come back after a minute with a first aid kit in one hand and a glass of water in the other.
"Drink," he orders again as he hands the glass to Sieun. When did he get so bossy? Sieun gives him a glance but obeys and drinks the water. It's cold and it sets a feeling of relief in his dry throat.
Suho sits down next to him on the bed and takes out a bottle of disinfectant. He pours it on a piece of cotton and then gently taps it against Sieun's cheekbone. It's cold, and it stings, and Sieun can't help hissing a little through his teeth.
He shivers a bit too, and he can't tell whether it's from the pain or from being so close to Suho.
Suho's lips are slightly parted, and they're pink and glossy from his continuous habit of licking them. His bottom lip looks so full, and Sieun wonders if it would be as soft to touch as it looks.
"Sieun-ah?" Suho questions, and Sieun forces his gaze away. "Did you hear anything I just said?" he asks with a glint in his eyes.
Sieun doesn't dignify that with an answer and turns his face down to hide his deepening blush.
"Give me your hands," Suho says softly and when Sieun doesn't move, he simply takes his hands in his own.
"Cuts like these should always be cleaned up," Suho huffs. "You could get an infection," he scolds.
Sieun watches as Suho takes another piece of cotton and swipes it carefully over his knuckles.
Suho has this difficult expression on his face as he carefully cleans Sieun's wounds. His brows are furrowed, and he's biting the inside of his cheek.
"Suho," Sieun starts, but he doesn't know how to continue. He can't read Suho fully right now, not even though he has come to learn the other boy like the back of his hand. "I'm sorry," he settles on, and he tries to make his tone as earnest as he can. He means it, and he wants Suho to know that, too.
"For what?"
"Just everything," Sieun swallows.
"Me too. I'm sorry," Suho says with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Just don't get into any more fights," he says, and his gaze is almost pleading.
"Okay," Sieun whispers, but it feels like a lie. He wants to, but he doesn't know if he can. It's Eunjang after all.
Suho takes out some bandages next and places them tentatively over Sieun's knuckles. Then he caresses over them gently with the tips of his fingers.
They've both fallen quiet for a while, and Sieun realizes that Suho hasn't moved. He's still holding Sieun's hands in his own, firmly but carefully. Sieun's heartbeat starts picking up.
"Sieun-ah," Suho says with a soft tone in his voice that sets a swarm of butterflies free in Sieun's stomach. They fly their way up towards his throat, and their wings get tangled in between his ribs. "Come here."
Sieun furrows his brows. "I'm already here."
"No, here," Suho's voice has a frustrated note to it. "Closer." He gestures towards himself, and Sieun can't do anything else but comply.
He leans closer, his heart beating almost painfully against his ribs. Suho looks at him and slowly hooks his fingers around Sieun's neck.
Sieun can't turn his gaze away.
Slowly, Suho pulls him closer and rests his forehead against Sieun's. Suho's eyes flutter closed, and Sieun lets himself admire the other from up close.
His vision is a bit blurry from being so close, but he can still make out the elegant line of Suho's nose and see the mole he has under his eye.
Almost involuntarily, his eyes find their way down to Suho's lips. For a second, he imagines what would happen if he just simply leaned forward and kissed him.
Suho pulls away.
There's a moment where their eyes lock, and neither one of them says anything. Sieun realizes that they're still sitting on his bed, not even an inch of space between them.
Then, Suho's eyes go down from Sieun's to his lips, and then slowly back up to his eyes.
Sieun's heart stutters in his chest.
It's dead silent. Sieun can only hear the humming of the air conditioning and the ticking of the clock and his own heartbeat in his ears.
"Sieun-ah," Suho breaks the silence, and his voice sounds scratchy and a little breathless.
"Yeah?"
Suho fidgets in place. He strokes his nose with his index finger quickly and then swallows, his Adam's apple moving, and licks his lips. Sieun's eyes follow the movement.
The silence seems to stretch like an elastic band until Sieun can't take it anymore. He's about to say something, anything, before Suho blurts out, "Can I kiss you?"
Sieun's heart drops to the very bottom of his stomach.
His mind is reeling a hundred miles per second and he can't for the life of him decide if he's hearing Suho correctly.
"What?" he manages in a strangled voice.
Suho squirms in his place. His ears have turned the color of ripe strawberries, and Sieun has never seen him so shy but sincere at the same time.
"I just wanted to ask- I- You don't have to, I mean obviously, I would never-" Suho blabbers on, and Sieun thinks it's adorable. "I just thought that maybe-"
Sieun leans forward, brushing his lips against Suho's.
It's just the tiniest touch, a graze, but it sets an unbearable warmth in the pit of his stomach anyway.
He pulls away and opens his eyes to Suho who's blinking rapidly, his eyes wide and his whole face flushed.
Then, Suho is reaching for him, but it's Sieun who pins Suho to the bed and straddles his lap.
Suho looks dazed, still blinking up at him. His eyes are wide and his face is flushed all the way up to his ears. Sieun thinks he looks good like that.
Sieun kisses him again, this time properly.
Suho kisses him back.
Hesitantly, as if asking for permission, he slides his hands down Sieun's sides and they settle to his waist. Sieun shivers.
Suho parts his lips and Sieun catches his full bottom lip between his own, and Suho makes a sound at the back of his throat that Sieun swallows down.
Sieun pulls away again and this time Suho is smiling, so bright it squeezes somewhere deep inside Sieun's chest.
"You're so cute," Suho says then, breathless and a little disbelieving.
Sieun blushes, then frowns. "Don't say that."
Suho flashes him another smile. "It's true, though. You're cute. Especially when you're being fake grumpy like this," he says, smoothing out the crease between Sieun's eyebrows with his thumb.
Sieun fights a smile by pressing his lips together but it doesn't really work.
"So cute," Suho whispers again and then pulls Sieun back in.
Suho kisses him thoroughly, his mouth soft and warm and inviting, and Sieun feels just a little bit like dying. Suho's tongue is tracing the outlines of his lips, then gingerly licking against his, and Sieun can't help the little sound that escapes his throat.
Soon, Suho's lips find their way down to Sieun's jawline, and then he's leaving a path of kisses down his neck.
Sieun gasps and breathes out shakily. He practically slumps against Suho who wraps his arms around Sieun's waist.
They stay like that for a while, chest to chest, catching their breath, and Sieun feels at peace for once. He listens to Suho's breathing as it slowly calms down and goes from breathless panting back to regular, deep breaths.
Carefully, he slides off of Suho and lays down next to him on the bed.
It's nowhere near bedtime, but Sieun doesn't want to get up. He throws his arm over Suho's chest and exhales contently.
Suho is so warm and Sieun is so fond of him.
"Should I just stay over tonight?" Suho asks.
"Yes," Sieun nods. "Stay."