Chapter Text
Joel Miller had never been big on Christmas.
When he was a kid, it lost the magic pretty damn early. When your parents are just scraping by and are too proud to ask for help, the truth about Santa hits pretty young. From then on, it was just a constant reminder of what he didn’t have. Didn’t have parents who were willing to try to keep the magic alive for him and his brother, didn’t have a mother for his daughter, didn’t have a job that let him take time off to spend at home with her during the holidays.
This year, it was the fact that he didn’t have the money to pull off Christmas at all. At least, not that he could figure out.
“Daddy, look!” Sarah tugged on his fingers that were held tight in her sticky grip as they got in line, a sign that said “North Pole” over their heads. “Elves!”
“Yes, Baby Girl,” he smiled down at her even though he didn’t much feel like it. “Elves, they’re here to make sure you’re a good girl while we wait in line.”
“I’ll be good!” She said, first to him and then to a woman in peppermint striped leggings and a green felt dress. “I’ll be so good, I’ve been so good this year!”
“I bet you have been!” The woman smiled before going back to counting people in line, ending with Joel and Sarah. He checked is watch - the band barely hanging on by a thread and the cheap plastic of the face chipped - and let out a small sigh of relief. They’d just made it, the mall closing in half an hour and the Santa line cut off time coming even sooner.
“Wait!” There was a loud voice from behind him as the elf woman started roping off the line. He turned to see a woman who couldn’t be any older than him running toward the line, a girl about Sarah’s age on her hip. You all but skidded to a stop at the rope, the elf woman still holding the end of it. “Please, I’m so sorry, I got held up at work and it was just crazy tonight, can we still get in? We’ll be so quick, she’s so excited and I’ll buy the biggest photo package you have I promise.”
The elf looked around and then lifted the rope.
“Don’t tell anyone,” she smiled and gave the little girl a wink. “But only because you have been so good this year.”
The little girl gasped as you set her down.
“Aunt Cocoa, how did she know?”
“Because she’s an elf,” you said, taking her hand. “Of course she knows!”
Joel tried to not glare at you. You were wearing leggings that were covered in gingerbread men with a sweater that was the definition of an ugly Christmas sweater, green with tinsel and ornaments and lights hanging off it, a headband with antlers in your hair. He ground his teeth.
Of course, it wasn’t your fault that it was only a week and a half to Christmas and he’d gotten fuck all done. And it wasn’t your fault that the only emotional energy Joel had was going to go toward making sure his daughter had a good night, not placating some childish woman. But damn, it sure seemed like you’d been dropped in front of him just to annoy him, the personification of all the forced cheerfulness that came with the holiday season right where he didn’t want it to be.
“Aunt Cocoa!” The little girl by your side piped up. “Do you hear? It’s Rudolph!”
You turned an ear toward the ceiling and smiled.
“It IS Rudolph!” You said. “Now remind me, who is Rudolph again?”
“He’s a reindeer!” Sarah piped up from her place at Joel’s side. He almost groaned.
“Is he really?” You smiled down at her. “Who’s reindeer is he, do you think?”
“Santa’s!” Sarah and the little girl you were with said at the same time and their faces lit up before they dissolved into giggles.
“Hi!” Sarah smiled hugely, a gap where her front baby tooth had been just a few days earlier. “I’m Sarah!”
“I’m Sharon!” The girl with you smiled back, also missing a tooth. “I’m five, how old are you?”
“I’m five, too!” Sarah gaped at her, as though finding another child her age in line to see Santa was a miracle. “What school do you go to?”
And just like that, they were off, chattering away in rapid fire, high pitched, little kid speak. You smiled at Joel, almost absently smoothing Sharon’s hair down, more like a parent would do than an aunt.
“Hi,” you smiled at him as the kids babbled away to each other. Joel was pretty sure he heard the word Barbie from Sarah at the same time you gave your name.
He frowned.
“Thought your name was Cocoa.”
“Oh,” you laughed. “Yeah, when Sharon was little - well, littler - I’d pick her up for girls’ day and the first stop was always Starbucks where I’d get a latte and she’d get a hot cocoa so I turned into Aunt Cocoa.”
“Right…” Joel moved forward in line.
“And what’s your name, Sarah’s… adult person?” You asked, smiling a little too broadly. There was glitter on your eyelids. Glitter.
“I’m her Dad,” Joel said. “And I’m Joel.”
“Good to meet you, Joel,” you just kept smiling.
He was silent for probably too long before he realized he should probably respond.
“You too.”
Your smile fell a little but was still there and Joel turned to face forward again, Sarah still happily chattering to Sharon.
The line, at least, was moving quickly and, as much as your syrupy tone and ridiculous outfit grated on him, Sarah’s patience for the line was far greater because Sharon was there for her to talk to.
“So,” you were still smiling. How could someone smile that fucking long? Didn’t your face hurt? “These two seem to be getting on like a house on fire.”
“Yup,” Joel said. The family in front of him stepped forward and Joel did, too.
“Want to exchange numbers?” You asked. Joel raised his eyebrows at you and you stammered quickly. “I mean… you know, to try to get them together? Get some of that holiday energy out?”
“If you want to give me her mom’s number,” Joel said, not especially wanting you to have his.
You glanced down quickly at Sharon but she was laughing at something. Sarah laughed, too.
“Well, I can’t…” you flinched a little. It was the first time he’d seen you not smiling like a maniac. “I’m kind of… Sharon lives with me?”
You said it more like a question than a statement.
“Right,” Joel said slowly.
“So we could just trade numbers,” you smiled again. “Maybe the girls can go to a playground or something over the weekend?”
The line moved again.
“Sure,” Joel sighed, getting his phone out of his pocket and unlocking it. He passed it to you and you took it, adding your number.
“Just going to text myself…” you said absently and then handed Joel’s phone back, the message still pulled up. You’d just typed “Santa Joel” with a little heart emoji after it. Joel was still looking at the screen when two messages from you showed up. One was a selfie - one you’d clearly taken another time, no glitter eyelids or antlers in sight - and the other just your name, followed by a heart emoji.
“Smile!” You said and he looked up from his phone to see you taking a picture of him. He frowned and your face fell a little bit. “You know, for the contact picture?”
“Right.”
He looked down at his phone again. When you weren’t dressed like Christmas had thrown up, you were… pretty. Really pretty. Beautiful, actually, with soft eyes and a gentle smile. You looked like the kind of person people just wanted to talk to. Just the kind of person Joel didn’t need in his life.
The line advanced and Joel moved up.
“Excited for Christmas?” You asked after the two of you had been silent for another few minutes and had moved forward more.
Joel glanced down, making sure Sarah was still distracted. Sharon had pulled a small notebook out of her coat pocket and Sarah was looking over her shoulder, carefully reviewing the mass of stickers on the page.
“Sure,” Joel said, not about to say how he actually felt about it with Sarah this close by. He looked you up and down. “Looks like you’re ready for it.”
“Oh,” you laughed a little, looking down at the ridiculous sweater. “Yeah, I guess so! Anything you’re excited for?”
The line moved. Joel could see the leg of the tripod the camera was set up on now, at least.
“The food, I guess,” Joel said, even though that wasn’t really true, either. He usually got some cookie dough from the store so Sarah could decorate and Tommy had volunteered to host Christmas dinner that year but Joel was almost positive that it was going to be a damn disaster. His little brother could barely make mac and cheese, he didn’t see a full feast going well.
“So good, right?” You said. “I love…”
“Look,” Joel said, glancing down at the girls again. “Sure you… mean well and all but we’re getting close to the front of the line and I’d rather just stand here for the next five minutes, alright?”
“Oh,” your face fell a bit. “Right, I’m sorry, I… right. Sorry.”
You looked off to the side and Joel faced forward again.
He almost felt bad for it as they neared the front of the line, but then he heard you humming along with the stupid Christmas song playing on the speakers overhead and he stopped.
“OK!” The elf woman smiled down at Sarah. “Are you all ready to see Santa?”
“Yeah!” Sarah beamed up at her.
“Well that’s good, because you’re next!” She said, looking around the corner toward Santa. “Alright, looks like he’s already for you! Let’s go!”
She lifted the velvet rope and Joel nudged Sarah forward, her face lighting up when she saw the fat, bearded man on his throne. She ran over to him and clambered on his lap.
“I’ve been so good this year!” She said before Santa even got a chance to say hello. He laughed and helped her up.
“I’m sure you have been,” he said. “And what’s your name?
“Sarah!” She smiled her patchwork smile and Joel smiled, too. “I’m five, almost five and a half!”
“That half is very important,” Santa nodded sagely. “And what do you want for Christmas this year, Sarah?”
“A Barbie Dream House!” She said. “And a new Barbie and Ken to live there!”
Santa glanced up at Joel who was trying to not freak out. A fucking Barbie Dream House? That couldn’t be cheap. Money had been tight since he’d bought the house a few months earlier.
It was the worst house he could find in the best school district and he was still house poor as a result of the fucking thing. And, of course, after he closed one of his jobs fell through, so him and Sarah had gotten by on now maxed out credit cards for two months since buying the damn house had wiped out his savings.
He’d just gotten paid for the most recent job the day before, a sharp relief when he deposited the check. He’d been down to $17.87 in his checking account, happy that there’d been a sale on some canned shit a few weeks earlier so the pantry was at least somewhat stocked. How the fuck was he going to afford a Barbie Dream House?
Santa looked back at Sarah.
“We’ll just see what we can do about that,” Santa said kindly. “Do you think you can keep being a good girl for me?”
She nodded eagerly.
“Then I’m sure you’ll have a very happy Christmas,” he said. “Why don’t you look at that camera, we’ll take a picture together.”
Sarah sat up straight and smiled so big her eyes scrunched shut and the camera flashed. She jumped down and Sarah took his hand as they went to the booth to buy the pictures.
“He was so nice!” Sarah said. “And he smelled kind of like the apple pie we had on Thanksgiving and I think he knows that I’ve been real good, Dad.”
“He was nice,” Joel said, looking at the screen with the picture of Sarah on Santa’s lap and then the price list. “And I’m sure he knows how good you’ve been…”
How was it $25 for a print out of a picture and a frame made out of fucking card stock? The whole damn season was a racket.
“Just package A,” Joel said to the man dressed like an elf, pulling out his wallet and handing over his debit card.
“Do you think he can make a Dream House?” She asked, holding onto his fingers. “How do the elves make all those toys, anyway?”
“Well, they work real hard…”
“I’m sorry sir, but your card was declined,” the elf man held Joel’s debit card out to him. “Do you have another card?”
Joel’s chest got tight.
“Can you try it again?” He said.
“Already did,” the man said. “Twice more. It’s declined.”
“Just…” Joel pulled his phone out. “One sec.”
He opened his banking app and looked at his account. The check he’d deposited at the end of the day yesterday was there but still pending, funds not yet available. Fuck.
He only had two credit cards, both of them were maxed out. He opened his wallet, hoping he had a $10 bill he’d forgotten about, then he could do $10 cash and the other $15 on the card… and nothing. Joel took the card back and put it in his wallet.
“Do y’all keep the photos for a few days?” Joel asked. “I can come back tomorrow…”
You were suddenly there in the doorway, Sharon in front of you.
“No, I’m sorry sir,” the man said. “We wipe all the memory cards at the end of the day.”
Joel took a look at the screen, at Sarah’s giant smile, trying to remember it.
“Right,” Joel said, squeezing Sarah’s little hand. “Thanks, anyway.”
Sarah, at least, didn’t seem to even notice, even though Joel wasn’t sure the last time he felt so fucking low. He couldn’t even afford to buy his daughter’s Santa picture, how the fuck was he supposed to make Christmas happen? With a Barbie Dream House no less?
“Joel!” Your voice was loud behind him and he turned to see you running toward him, a plastic bag printed with holly and candy canes held out in front of you, Sharon trailing behind. He frowned as you stopped in front of him, panting for breath. “Sorry, I’ve done more running today than I have all year! Anyway, this is for you.”
You held the bag out and Joel’s frown deepened, taking it and looking inside. It was Sarah’s Santa picture in the stupid card stock frame and an ornament, the same picture encased in plastic.
“It was a great picture,” you smiled. “You should have a copy.”
“I’m not lookin’ for charity.”
“Oh,” your face fell a little. “I wasn’t… It’s not… Just pay it forward when you can, OK? Merry Christmas.”
You didn’t wait for him to respond, just taking Sharon’s hand and walking away.