Archive of Our Own ^beta

• 1 •

Kojiro enjoyed the kindergarten. Of course, he had cooler toys at home, and he hardly had to share them with anyone (almost — cause his growing little sister showed too much interest in his figurines and plush tiger. Kojiro wasn't greedy, but her drool... slightly annoyed him), mom's food was tastier, and you could always watch cartoons on TV. But there were other kids here, and playing with someone was always more fun than being alone! (And these kids didn't yell while he slept, didn't throw their lunch at him, and could even talk, unlike some drooling babies).

But not everyone was like Kojiro. His neighbor, Kaoru, seemed to agree to come to kindergarten only because he alone was allowed to play with the construction set for older kids, and because Kojiro was always nearby. Mom said that Kaoru was a timid child, but do timid people kick you in the butt while you're trying to tie your shoelaces? Kojiro wasn't sure. He would rather say that Kaoru was a quiet bully if such a thing is even possible. In any case, it was more fun with him than with any other kid; he always came up with the most interesting games, knew a lot about worms, dinosaurs, and calculators, and he didn't cry or run to complain to the teacher when Kojiro called him names. On the contrary — he would respond with insults and get into a fight, and that was possibly the most fun.

There were often bad days when neither the construction set nor Kojiro's presence helped. Today was one of those days. Kaoru sat restlessly on a pillow he brought from home, clutching his plush rabbit, glowering at other kids with watery eyes. Kojiro sighed heavily and shrugged as if he were a character in a cartoon, and then, stomping loudly, approached Kaoru.

“Why are you sniffling,” he asked and lay down on the carpet next to his friend.

“You're the one sniffling, monkey,” Kaoru replied with a tearful voice.

Kojiro sat up on his elbows and nodded towards the other kids.

“Did someone offend you?”

“Get lost,” Kaoru muttered in response and began to rub his eyes with the back of his hand. “If someone messes with me, I'll kick their butt properly.”

True. “Maybe, as always, he missed home,” Kojiro thought. Kaoru had many interesting toys at home, even a computer; no one forced him to take a nap in the middle of the day, and there wasn't a single snotty little sister. Besides, Kaoru didn't really like other kids. No wonder he didn't like it here so much.

Kojiro looked at him, and Kaoru, noticing his gaze in the corner of his eye, frowned even more, hugged his rabbit, and sniffed, demonstratively ignoring his friend.

Of course, he was a silly guy, this Kaoru. Last week he bit Kojiro's hand so hard that the mark still hadn't faded, and the next day he made an origami mongoose for him. Some kind of apology, probably. Wild kid.

But he still felt sorry for him: his eyes and face were swollen from crying, and from time to time, he continued to choke, trying to suppress sobs. His cheeks were brightly pink, so his head with that pink hair looked like a bubblegum bubble.

Right, Kaoru wasn't to blame for not being like Kojiro. And so what if he didn't like other kids? Kaoru had the right to have fun, too. It was so unfair that he cried so often in kindergarten that Kojiro himself almost cried out of sympathy.

He loudly kissed Kaoru on the cheek; Kaoru squeaked and even dropped his toy in surprise.

“Are you completely stupid?” Kaoru asked indignantly and rubbed his cheek.

Kojiro shrugged and laughed. Kaoru wasn't going to cry anymore — instead, he muttered something about how stupid and disgusting Kojiro was. Kojiro liked this Kaoru much more.

• 2 •

“Hey, come here!”

“I couldn't have dropped my wallet on the beach! I didn't even bring it to the beach at all,” Kaoru shouted but still ran after Kojiro across the cold sand.

“I'm telling you, it's somewhere here,” Kojiro yelled over his shoulder and returned to scanning the beach, illuminating it with the flash of his phone. “When did my intuition let us down?”

“Are you kidding me? Always, basically!” Kaoru replied and deliberately avoided looking down.

“You just want to put my pride down.”

“Your pride! Yesterday you drank the same bottle of beer with the guy from Class B, and I saw he had herpes last week! There's nothing about pride here,” mocked Kaoru. He sat down on the sand, took off his shoes, and stretched his legs so that the waves could wash over his bare feet.

Kojiro looked at him and waved his hands in frustration.

“You're not going to help me at all, nerd, are you? We're looking for your wallet, not mine.”

“It isn't here, I'm telling you, monkey.”

Despite the harsh words, there was no anger in Kaoru's tone. Swearing so naturally interspersed with his speech that Kojiro stopped paying attention to it a long time ago. Just as he had stopped paying attention to how he responded in the same way, for which he had often received a scolding from his mother. For some reason, their arguments never seemed friendly to her.

Kojiro shook his head and, pulling his legs under him, sat down next to Kaoru.

Even if Kaoru was right and they really wouldn't find the wallet here, they would have to leave soon anyway. The sun had set several hours ago, and their parents were probably starting to fuss. But still...

Something in his naive fifteen-year-old mind made Kojiro think that these few minutes on the beach, where he had been almost every day, with Kaoru, whom he had not parted with since he was two years old, were something important. The dark sky almost merged with the sea, making the stars appear twice as numerous. The vastness of both almost pressed him into the sand, so he felt no more than a grain of sand on this beach. Even Kaoru fell silent, stopping arguing and not accusing Kojiro of the pointlessness of their walk.

Kojiro turned to him and did not notice any irritation on his face. It seemed that even his restless mind was taking a break from its eternal concerns. Kojiro rarely saw him like this.

The moonlight sparkled on the waves almost as brightly as on Kaoru's hair. The simple yukata in which he left home made Kojiro feel even more distant from today's long day — everything seemed too otherworldly, timeless, devoid of excesses but emphasized with the most important thing that could be.

Kojiro really wanted to say that all of this suited Kaoru very well.

“Beautiful,” he said instead.

Kaoru snorted.

“You're too impressionable,” he replied, but Kojiro didn't take it to heart — there was a hint of a smile on Kaoru's lips.

Kojiro touched a strand of his hair and wound it around his finger. It was amazing to feel their materiality. Right now, Kaoru seemed almost as beautiful but distant as the stars above and in front of them. But the strands were soft and so smooth that it stretched disobediently around his finger, slipping out of his hand.

Kaoru gave him a strange look, but said nothing, allowing Kojiro, perhaps for the first time, to play with his hair. He turned slightly towards Kojiro and squinted a little, studying him.

It felt a bit odd. Without stopping looking at Kaoru for the last few minutes, Kojiro never thought that he, too, might start looking back. It was just as absurd as thinking that the moon could start examining you if you stared at it for too long.

From a barely noticeable movement, Kaoru's strands slipped out of Kojiro's fingers, and he froze with the palm in which he held the memory of the sensation of hair sliding over his skin, like a calligraphy brush.

“Kojiro,” Kaoru said. Kojiro raised his eyes to him, but Kaoru never said more.

Kojiro wanted to reply; he felt the words that needed to be said in his throat, but they seemed to be in some unfamiliar language to him. How could he pronounce them if he didn't understand their meanings? The only thing he thought of was to move a bit closer and touch his lips to Kaoru's, hoping that Kaoru knew more languages than Kojiro and could help him.

Kaoru took a loud breath through his nose and pressed closer, barely parting his lips. All Kojiro could do was marvel at how he could worry so much that his pulse was audible even in his ears and yet feel such utter calmness at one time.

But in one second, everything stopped when Kaoru pushed him away with a yell.

“Are you trying to infect me with herpes?!” he exclaimed, holding Kojiro by the shoulder.

“Huh?” Kojiro mumbled.

“You caught it from the herpes-infested guy's beer yourself and now wanted to pass it on to me?! Freak!”

Kaoru jumped to his feet, shook the sand off his yukata, and picked up his shoes.

“Forget about the wallet, you can look for it tomorrow,” he said, striding angrily away from the beach.

Kojiro blinked, finally coming to his senses a bit.

“Hey! Why should I be the one to look for it?!” he shouted and ran after Kaoru.

• 3 •

In Kojiro's house, it was rarely quiet: his younger brother, sisters, and spirited parents — they seemed to even think loudly. This constant hum of various sounds became a sign of comfort for him; silence, on the other hand, meant that something was wrong. But now, with Kaoru constantly fussing on the adjacent futon just inches away, falling asleep was nearly impossible. Perhaps it would be easier if Kojiro's relatives all at once yelled into his ears.

He sighed and closed his eyes again when suddenly a foot hit him on the face.

“Hey!” Kojiro gasped, grasping the bare ankle. His fingers gently wrapped around it.

“Keep wheezing like that, and the next hit will be on your balls,” came a voice from under the blanket near Kojiro's legs.

Rolling his eyes, Kojiro mindlessly stroked Kaoru's ankle. Who was accusing whom of wheezing? Kaoru couldn't lie still in one position for a few minutes, occasionally snorting in frustration. He behaved this way almost every time they spent the night together, and Kojiro attributed it to Kaoru finding it difficult to sleep beside another person. But then why invite him for a sleepover?

“If you want, I can sleep in the living room on the couch,” Kojiro whispered.

Kaoru muttered something and pulled his leg closer.

“Don't be silly,” he said. “You're not bothering me.”

Suppressing an annoyed "oh, thank you," Kojiro noted the odd tone in Kaoru's voice.

“Then what's bothering you?” he asked seriously instead.

“My head.”

It was said so casually as if it explained everything. In reality, it explained everything and nothing at the same time.

Kojiro sat up and looked to where Kaoru's face must have been. Tangled pink hair stuck out from under the blanket.

“But it's not that huge to not fit on a pillow, four-eyes,” Kojiro shook his head. As expected, something flew at him — a balled-up sock that he caught midway. He tossed it back at Kaoru. “Come on,” he said without mockery. “You can't just say it like that and not explain anything. You're too mysterious.”

“Oh, for fuck's sake,” groaned Kaoru. “Come here.”

Uncertainly, Kojiro glanced at him but still crawled from his futon to the adjacent one. Kaoru waited until he settled beside him and then took Kojiro's hand in his.

“Listen,” he said, pressing Kojiro's palm against his chest.

Kojiro's face flushed with embarrassment, and for a few moments, he couldn't understand what was expected of him. Finally, as his breathing calmed down, he began to feel under his hand, the one resting on the thin fabric of Kaoru's nightshirt (oh, too thin and soft) — the frantic heartbeat.

“How long has this been going on?” he asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“About an hour, probably,” Kaoru shrugged.

Kojiro nodded and lightly stroked whatever was under his hand. The pulse showed no signs of calming down.

“Is it your anxiety?”

“More or less,” Kaoru replied quietly.

Now Kojiro began to notice something else: a faint, sometimes sharply intensifying tremor that ran through Kaoru's entire body, his uneven breathing, and tensed muscles. It was 3 a.m., but Kaoru was definitely not in the mood for sleep.

“Can I help?” Kojiro asked.

“Don't worry about it,” Kaoru replied. “It's almost every night like this. I'll manage.”

Kojiro shook his head.

“Don't say nonsense. If you don't get some sleep, who will do my physics lab? I need you to be full of energy.”

Kaoru snorted and poked him in the side. His posture seemed to relax a bit.

“Come on, tell me what I can do for you,” Kojiro said as gently as he could. It seemed to work because Kaoru, biting his lip and throwing a rapid glance at him, leaned closer.

“If you don't mind, could you wrap your arms around me and, I don't know, intertwine our legs?” he muttered.

Kojiro blinked several times and thanked all the existing gods that, most likely, in the darkness, Kaoru wouldn't notice how much he blushed.

“So, cuddle you, right?” he asked after doing what he was told.

“Don't call it that,” Kaoru retorted into his chest. “Just hold me until I fall asleep.”

“Cuddle you until you fall asleep. Got it,” Kojiro repeated with amused tenderness. He liked how with each teasing remark, the tension left Kaoru's shoulders, and the tremor subsided briefly.

“Say that again, and I'll kick you out the door,” Kaoru yawned.

“That's a murder threat!” Kojiro pretended to gasp. “If you kick me with your skinny knee, it will pierce me through.”

“Shut up, monkey,” Kaoru whispered. There was a hint of a smile in his voice.

They lay in silence for a while. Kojiro began to notice how the beating of the heart against his chest became more rhythmic. The grip of Kaoru's hands around his waist relaxed, and he seemed to have finally fallen asleep. Kojiro shifted slightly to make them both more comfortable and pulled Kaoru closer, settling him on his chest. His fingers started to stroke Kaoru's hair on their own, even though he probably couldn't feel it anymore, and this gesture likely couldn't comfort him. Kojiro held him close and didn't pay much attention to how his lips touched Kaoru's forehead.

The straps of the heavy backpack painfully pressed into Kojiro's shoulders. Once again, he wondered how many things he could have left at home, but then he remembered Kaoru's eyes, round with shock when he found out that Kojiro planned to go to Italy for studies with just a backpack. He thought, to hell with those unnecessary kilograms of things he would have to carry all day. If he took less, Kaoru would have a heart attack, and Kaoru's health needed to be taken care of.

He had said goodbye to his parents back home, miraculously convincing them not to take a day off from work to see him off. "Kaoru will be with me," he had said, and, as always, they relaxed a bit. It was amazing that they somehow considered Kaoru more reliable and responsible, as if having him around meant nothing bad would ever happen to Kojiro. It irritated him because it was Kaoru who often provoked him into the most thoughtless and risky actions.

But now, Kaoru wasn't in the mood for any extreme foolishness; there were no talks of flying together from Rome to Paris, stuffing Kojiro's carry-on with vibrators, or stealing a luggage cart. In fact, Kaoru was very quiet. Not the familiar quiet when his introverted side stood up, or when the thoughts in his head became so big and loud that he couldn't or wouldn't listen to others. Kaoru looked like disturbing him now wouldn't provoke irritation or anger, as usual, but would hurt him. It was genuinely scary.

But at the same time, it was confusing. What was the point of suggesting to accompany someone if you remained silent the whole way? Kojiro didn't know when exactly they would see each other again. Yeah, he planned to come home for vacations and all, but would he stay on Okinawa for more than two weeks at that time? Would Kaoru be living there then? Before their time together was supposed to end, there were only a few minutes left, and they spent them in an uncomfortable silence, and it felt like anything but right.

“Write me letters, or something,” Kojiro said with a forced laugh. The train station was already visible at the corner. A little more, and he would be on the train that would take him to the airport.

“What for?” Kaoru snorted. “Besides, who's going to decipher your letters for me?”

“Come on, my handwriting isn't that bad,” Kojiro replied with a smile.

“Remind you of how you came to one of my calligraphy classes and almost made the master kick you out?”

“He just wasn't ready for the competition.”

Kaoru stopped, and Kojiro almost turned his neck, looking back at him. At first, he thought Kaoru was crying, as he covered his face with his hands and visibly trembled. But after a moment, he realized that Kaoru was laughing loudly. His eyes indeed watered, and the sight, tinged with a hint of hysteria, made Kojiro gently smile.

“I'll record a voice message with sounds from my balcony. The room I rented has a tiny balcony overlooking a nice pedestrian street. You might like it.”

Kaoru wiped tears from the corners of his eyes with the back of his hand and nodded. They continued on their way.

“Then I'll record the sound from the pier where we used to hang out.”

As soon as he finished his words, Kojiro heard a soft "oh". He almost immediately understood what it meant. They no longer "hang out" at the pier. The past tense would suit more here. Nevertheless, he turned to Kaoru and smiled.

“Thank you,” he said.

Kaoru's cheeks flushed, but he almost immediately frowned, annoyed.

“Of course, all for your sentimental ass.”

They walked the rest of the way, chatting about various trivial things they faced along the path. Kojiro desperately tried to remember each one, even though he knew he probably wouldn't recall all the words they exchanged in these last minutes after a few days. Italy no longer seemed as alluring and necessary.

When they reached the train, Kojiro without thinking swung one strap of his backpack off his shoulder, preparing to throw it onto the seat. This immediately frightened him. Why throw the backpack already when they still had a few minutes? He could spend a little more time with Kaoru. He wanted a little more time with Kaoru.

Kojiro glanced at him and noticed a small encouraging smile at the corners of his lips. Kaoru touched his hand and pulled him slightly, in a manner not typical for him: not demanding, but offering his embrace. Kojiro gladly hugged him, making Kaoru bury his face in his shoulder, feeling soft strokes on his back. Kojiro felt a crazy longing for everything they had and everything they had not.

A mechanical, terse notification of the upcoming departure of the train sounded, and Kojiro stepped back. Kaoru staggered a bit, losing support, and had such a silly, almost sleepy expression on his face that Kojiro couldn't help but laugh reluctantly. Kaoru blinked a few times, and then Kojiro took his face in his hands, spending the remaining seconds on a lingering kiss.

Kojiro eagerly peeled off the film from the smooth surface of the new table. In recent days, he had done this many times, but the tingling sensation of light excitement continued to run through his spine.

All that was left was to assemble a few chairs and put the dishes on the shelves, and the restaurant would be ready to open.

“More!” Kaoru exclaimed, handing him an empty glass.

Kojiro rolled his eyes affectionately and reached for the uncorked bottle of wine.

“If I notice that any of these chairs is poorly assembled, I'll slide it under your alcoholic ass,” he said but still fulfilled the request.

“In college, I assembled robots after five soju, and you're telling me about a dozen chairs after a couple of glasses of wine? Amateur,” Kaoru scoffed, continuing to screw screws into the chair legs while sitting on the floor.

Kojiro allowed himself a few minutes to admire the endearing sight, then joined Kaoru.

In recent weeks, he had spent a lot of time in this space: repairing, installing equipment, holding meetings with the team, and during that time, it transformed from a dust-covered construction site into his second home — comfortable, calm, and cozy. Kaoru's voluntary help in realizing Kojiro's long-standing dream of opening his restaurant added even more warmth to the place.

“By the way,” Kaoru said casually, not looking up from his work, “my offer to cover half the rent is still valid.”

“Kaoru, stop it,” Kojiro sighed. “I remember the second part of that offer: in return, I have to feed you for free every time you show up here. I'll end up in the red, especially since the rent will become cheaper.”

Kaoru made an unclear sound, something between a scream, a hiss, and a whistle, and threw the chair cushion at him. Kojiro just laughed in response.

“I appreciate your offer, really,” he said more seriously. “But I want to do this on my own. You're helping too much as it is. Besides, I never fed you for free all these years.”

“You dumb gorilla,” muttered Kaoru. “You'll definitely go bankrupt like this.”

Kojiro shrugged.

“We'll see. I want to try.”

Kaoru gave him a short look but didn't say anything. They continued assembling the furniture in silence, occasionally exchanging tools, until Kojiro burst into laughter. Kaoru raised an eyebrow questioningly, looking at him.

“It’s nothing,” Kojiro waved his hand, still smiling. “I just thought about how much this is like when we used to assemble LEGO sets together as kids.”

Kaoru snorted, and a crooked smile appeared on his lips too.

“Yeah, and then and now, I'd do it faster.”

“Hey! I'm not to blame that you're a genius mechanic! This is your battlefield! But let's see who makes the better pizza.”

“I'll make the perfect pizza,” Kaoru replied challengingly, leaning on his hands behind him.

“And I'll make a delicious one,” Kojiro grinned.

“Better make me the most delicious pasta at the restaurant opening,” Kaoru suggested, leaning over to him.

“If the restaurant doesn't go up in flames, I'll cook you the most delicious pasta here every day,” Kojiro said and, winking, pointed the screwdriver at Kaoru.

Unexpectedly, Kaoru stood up from the floor and approached him. Due to the abrupt change in distance, Kojiro's eyes widened, but Kaoru, as if nothing had happened, placed his hand on Kojiro's shoulder.

“So it's in my interest for it not to burn down,” he said and, lifting Kojiro's chin with the tips of his fingers, kissed him slowly, passionately.

For a few seconds, Kojiro didn't understand how he ended up in such a situation. But in the following minutes, he dismissed silly questions like "why" and simply allowed himself to enjoy what was offered to him, kissing Kaoru in response.

Pulling away a little, Kaoru smiled and let the tips of Kojiro's hair strands slip through his fingers.

“For good luck,” he said and reached for another kiss.