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Soonyoung is particularly endearing when he’s sleepy. It’s a little bit like when he’s drunk, but with more calmness – unusual for Soonyoung, on most days – and a little bit more cuddliness than usual.
The clock on Wonwoo’s phone reads 3am. They have to be up at 8 to go to work. Hoshi reaches over to the laptop sat on the nightstand and clicks to skip to the next episode of the drama they’ve been watching. Wonwoo should probably tell him it’s time for bed, usher him into the bathroom to brush his teeth and tuck in before they fall asleep like this and wake up all nasty.
But the thing is– when Hoshi is like this, he softly mumbles “One more, Wonwoo-yah,” and tucks himself into Wonwoo’s side. When Hoshi is like this, he doesn’t wriggle around as much, stays plastered to his side and rarely makes comments besides a soft little laugh whenever a scene is funny and leaning a little closer whenever a scene is particularly dramatic. When Soonyoung is like this, he eventually all but climbs into Wonwoo’s lap, content and warm and barely noticing Wonwoo’s arms wrapping around his waist to stabilize him.
When Soonyoung falls asleep 10 minutes in, sprawled out over Wonwoo’s lap, it’s par for the course. Wonwoo doesn’t have it in him to wake him up, thankfully close enough to the bed stand to close the laptop shut without stirring him back awake. Wonwoo feels his heart swell with affection. Soonyoung is endearing even in his sleep, much like a cat that decides to fall asleep on you. He closes his eyes, rests his head against the wall in the most comfortable position he can get. As long as Soonyoung’s warm and content in his arms, Wonwoo is happy.
—
The thing about being in love with your best friend for years is that over time, it stops feeling as urgent as love often does at first. The sharp stab in your chest when in their presence turns into a dull ache that settles deep inside your bones and lives there, so long you sometimes barely even notice it’s there.
I love you, Wonwoo thinks when Soonyoung bickers with him over who invited over whom the last time. I love you, Wonwoo thinks when he lifts up a forkful of meat to Soonyoung’s mouth mid-meal without thinking. I love you , Wonwoo thinks whenever he’s near Soonyoung, whenever he gets a text from him, whenever he sees a cute tiger design in a storefront or a snack Soonyoung likes.
He’s seen how Soonyoung acts when he’s in love, the boy an open book whenever he feels strongly about someone. Knowing his feelings aren’t the same towards Wonwoo barely hurts anymore, most times. I love you , Wonwoo thinks, and basks in the presence of Soonyoung’s warmth, content with what he has.
—
Soonyoung’s been talking about his date with his new boyfriend for the past fifteen minutes.
Wonwoo tries to pay attention, he really does, but– despite everything, this is still the part that hurts, sometimes. Of course he’s happy for his friend. Soonyoung has a lot of love to give, and Wonwoo’s glad when he receives that love back. He has to give himself some small mercies sometimes, still, as he zones out to the echo of thinking, it will never be me, I’m never going to be the one Soonyoung gushes about to his friends, he’s never going to be the one to kiss him under the moonlight, fingers soothingly pressing into a bruise to replace the steady ache with something sharper, less overwhelming. Portioned out heartbreaks so he can keep on loving Soonyoung without it hurting too much.
“Wonwoo-ya.” Soonyoung snaps him out of his thoughts. They must have showed up on his face too obviously – Soonyoung seems to have noticed for once instead of rambling on to share his joy with Wonwoo, his voice now fondly pitiful. Wonwoo hates himself for the slip up. “Wonwoo-ya, are you sad? Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find a boyfriend soon. Want me to hook you up? I could ask Mingyu, he told me about a bunch of guys who- ”
Wonwoo doesn’t want a boyfriend. He doesn’t want to lead someone on like that, to go through the motions of a relationship just for the sake of it with someone who isn’t who he’s in love with – he’s tried before, felt awful about it.
“Don’t worry about it. As long as you don’t forget about me, I’ll be fine.” he replies with a smile as soon as Soonyoung finishes talking, ache receding. As much as it hurts sometimes, just being like this with Soonyoung is enough.
—
Soonyoung likes to put on a brave face, but Wonwoo can tell he’s about five seconds away from crying the moment he shows up at his doorstep and lets himself be pulled into a tight hug.
Breaking up with someone the day before Christmas is an objectively shitty thing to do, only marginally better than breaking up on the day-of. Wonwoo hates the guy for doing that to Soonyoung. He hates himself for feeling a pang of selfish joy about it. Soonyoung all but melts into his arms after Wonwoo gets them takeout and plops them down onto the couch to watch anime, more for background noise than to actually pay attention to. Soonyoung’s eyes are red and puffy, but he smiles when Wonwoo wipes his tears and wraps his arms tightly around him, wishing he could soothe all the hurt instantly.
“I guess that makes it two of us with no Christmas plans, then.” Sooyoung sighs, breaks into a laugh at Wonwoo’s indignant “Hey!” in response. I love you , Wonwoo thinks, and half-regrets his words already before he speaks them.
“We could go out together.”
“Really?” Soonyoung’s eyes are lit up and as wide as saucers when he turns to look at Wonwoo, his voice sounding a little too excited. “You’d really wanna go out with me, Wonwoo-ya?”
“Sure.” Wonwoo replies, truly means it, even if Soonyoung might not know just how much he really does. How excited Soonyoung seems at the prospect of spending Christmas with his best friend makes his chest ache, either way.
“It’s a date, then.” Soonyoung says back, all smug, and returns to burrowing himself into Wonwoo’s embrace.
—
Going out with Soonyoung for Christmas is simultaneously the best and the most painful experience Wonwoo’s ever had. He doesn’t like to fantasise too much, but this is the closest to a real date the two of them hanging out has ever felt like. Maybe it’s the Christmas atmosphere of the lit-up shops and decorations.
Maybe it’s the way Soonyoung has grabbed his hand to drag him towards a coffee stand and hasn’t let go of it. Maybe it’s the matching hats Soonyoung sheepishly pulled out when they met at the designated spot. Maybe it’s Soonyoung looking at him like Wonwoo’d brought down the stars when he bought him the outrageous tiger print scarf Soonyoung had stared at at one of the market stalls, transfixed.
Wonwoo doesn’t like to consider himself a romantic, but for the first time in years, he feels that deep, solid ache again, the I love you echoing through every beat of his heart. By the time they get to the apartment block entrance, hands still clasped together, it’s almost unbearable.
“So,” Soonyoung says as he turns to him, cheeks flushed in the winter cold, “Am I going to get a goodnight kiss?”
Wonwoo feels his brain short-circuit and shut down.
By the time he realizes Soonyoung probably meant it as a joke, he’s already leaned in, his hand raising to hold onto Soonyoung’s face as he presses a chaste kiss against his lips. His lips are chapped, but his cheek feels soft against his palm. It’s as perfect as he’d always thought it’d be. Despite the swelling panic, or maybe because of it, Wonwoo feels electrified.
When he pulls away, Soonyoung doesn’t seem as perturbed as he thought
“You really do like me…” Soonyoung sounds airy, wondrous and not at all shocked, unlike Wonwoo.
“I’ve been in love with you for years.” he bursts out before he can stop himself.
Soonyoung pulls him in for another kiss. This one is much less chaste, Soonyoung crowding himself into his space and aggressively nipping at his bottom lip while Wonwoo struggles to comprehend what’s happening.
“Wonwoo-yah, you dumbass.” Soonyoung mutters into his mouth, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought you’d tell me if you wanted to. Dumbass.” he gasps back, finally gets his bearings together enough to slip his tongue along the seams of Soonyoung’s lips.
Eventually, they slow down and pull away, but remain tangled together, foreheads still touching.
“Guess we’re both dumbasses, then. I only realized that I want to the moment you asked me. That I love you.” Soonyoung says once they’ve finally dragged themselves inside and curled up in bed together.
Wonwoo laughs – it’s all he can do, really, feeling light and happy as he wraps his arms around Soonyoung and presses a kiss against his head, the way he’s always longed to. For the first time, his heart doesn’t ache at all.