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It was getting to be evening at the Yagami Detective Agency. Kaito and Yagami had just finished a stupidly convoluted case that should’ve been a simple tailing mission for a supposedly unfaithful husband, but quickly turned into breaking and entering an apartment building, uncovering a group of paranoid conspiracy theorists, and attempting to convince them that they weren’t government agents that were sent over to get rid of the group because they knew too much. At the end of it, the husband was faithful as could be to his wife, but he just spent too much time with the weird little group he had gathered together and became leader of.
It sounded so stupid and Kaito felt stupid thinking about it, but they got paid a decent amount so he couldn’t complain. He’d have a fun story to tell Mikiko and Jun the next time he saw them. Yagami sighed and unceremoniously sunk onto the couch.
“You okay, Tabou?” Kaito asked. Somehow the police had gotten mixed up in the matter and Yagami had to go through hoops to convince them that everything was fine while not getting into the fact that he and Kaito had technically broken into a place that they shouldn’t have been in anyway. Yagami was the brains of the agency, so Kaito just kept an eye on the group to make sure they didn’t start anything. Honestly, he felt like they both could use a drink. “Say, let’s go out tonight!”
“Really?” Yagami asked. They hadn’t gone out together in quite some time, not since before the Mikoshiba case. They had so much going on at that time and Kaito felt like he was in the hospital for half of it.
“Yeah. My treat!” Kaito grinned. “Just you and me, partner.”
“Okay,” Yagami smiled and got up. They left the agency, immediately hit the streets of Kamurocho. They were lucky enough to have steady cases again; the past few months felt so bare. “Any reason we’re going out tonight?”
“Feels like it’s been a while,” Kaito said. Yagami nodded but stayed quiet. Kaito had been at Yagami’s side for over twenty years now, knew all of his expressions and felt like he’d gotten a good idea at what Yagami was thinking. He looked like he had more to say. “Do you disagree?”
“Oh, it has been awhile since we’ve gotten drinks,” Yagami stated. “Masuda-san keeps telling me how much he misses you. Mari says it’s nice to have some peace and quiet for once, so I guess she’ll be disappointed.”
“Huh,” Kaito had been away from Tender for a while. He was trying to clean his act up for Mikiko and Jun; most nights he would cruise around town after a couple of drinks, but after they had come into the picture, he tried to be an ideal man for them. It’s what he wanted, but he realized he was just doing too much after Jun had that talk with them. He was trying too hard and truthfully, becoming the kind of man he didn’t want to be; pretending everything was perfect and ignoring the things that truly mattered.
When they got to Tender, Kaito got their drinks while Yagami grabbed a table in the back. Masuda greeted Kaito, told him with a wink that his money was always welcome at the bar. Kaito grinned, winked back at the man before getting back to his partner. Yagami was on his phone, his lips curved into a smile. He’d been happier lately and Kaito couldn’t say he wasn’t happy about it; anything that made Yagami even slightly happier was a positive in Kaito’s book.
“You get a girlfriend, Tabou?” Kaito asked.
“No,” Yagami put his phone in his pocket and took the drink Kaito offered him. Kaito sat down across from the man, sipped from his own drink. It felt strong, though Kaito had tried cutting down on his alcohol so maybe it was just hitting differently. “I’m checking in with Tsukumo and seeing if Yokohama 99 needs anything.”
“Really keeping us working, huh?” Kaito grinned. Yagami had been bouncing around between Kamurocho and Yokohama over the past couple of months. Sometimes Kaito went with him, sometimes he stayed to take care of jobs back on their home turf.
“You need to make up for so much lost time,” Yagami said. His eyes met Kaito’s and the older man picked up on the seriousness in his tone. He was talking about the couple of months that Kaito stopped coming in to work. When he came back, Yagami mostly gave him simple jobs of finding lost pets and told him to make sure the strays in Kamurocho were fed. Kaito thought nothing of it, but now he wondered if it was Yagami’s way of letting him know his displeasure of being made to work alone.
It was never Kaito’s intention to leave him, but now that it was just him again at home, Kaito had time to ruminate on everything he didn’t want to think about once Mikiko and Jun came into the picture. He’d completely refused to listen to Jun’s problems, he never thought of how Mikiko might have felt given everything that happened, and he left Yagami to man the agency alone. All because he thought his life was finally perfect and he didn’t want to ruin what he had worked so hard to achieve.
And really, he felt like he got off lucky. The last time Kaito felt like he was running from everything that mattered, what did truly matter got away from him; Mikiko. Mikiko and Jun might have left to pick up the pieces and find what made everything work, but they were still in Kaito’s life. And despite leaving him to do everything alone, Yagami still showed respect for his partner, never brought up how completely screwed over Kaito left him.
And by now, Kaito knew how much Yagami actually kept to himself.
“Sorry Tabou,” Kaito muttered. Even when he got back to the agency, he never apologized for leaving Yagami without a word. And he should have said something. When Kaito introduced Jun to Yagami, the teen seemed completely taken with the detective. Kaito felt like the two got along and the change in his lifestyle would be fine. And perhaps he took it for granted; it wasn’t really fine and Kaito knew it and chose to hide from his problems. He should’ve just talked it out with his partner and gotten things settled, but he just chose to ignore everything he never wanted to think about.
Good ol’ Kaito choosing to run from things as always.
“I guess I haven’t changed in almost twenty years,” he added. Kaito tried hard to be the best man he could and thought he was making progress, but it always felt like it was too late by the time he realized how badly he was actually screwing up. He felt lucky to have a partner like Yagami, always patient and willing to help him realize what he’d done wrong, but never make him feel bad about it.
It was something he always cherished about the man.
“You’ve changed, Kaito-san. There’s just a lot of work to be done,” Yagami smirked. He was poking at Kaito, but it was fair; they always went back and forth when it came to messing with each other. It was practically their love language with each other at this point. “When you’re so taken with something, everything else takes a back seat. It’s always been like that. But what matters, I think, is that you come back at all.”
Yagami downed his drink and went over to get another. He was such a good guy, always helping Kaito out of a bind that the older man felt bad that he had taken him for granted; he left his partner to work alone in the couple of months that Kaito had his head in the clouds, and for what?
Yagami came back, drinks in his hands. He put one down in front of Kaito, took a seat and set down his own drink.
“I’m sorry I left you alone while I pretended that the family life was fine,” Kaito stated. It had built up to the point that Kaito was afraid to even see Yagami after enough time; he knew the man would be upset and Kaito didn’t want to hear one more time that he screwed up. He didn’t want to see how much he’d hurt his partner. “You were knee deep in a case when it happened and it was a big change that I didn’t even try to help you get through. I introduced Jun like it would all be okay and then left without telling you anything.”
“He’s a good kid, I’m happy that you at least included me at all,” Yagami said. Kaito smiled. Jun was a great kid. He stood up for what he felt was right and didn’t back down when things got bad; he had fierce loyalty and stuck up for those he cared about. He’d grow up to be a good man and Kaito would help him through all of it. He was thrilled at the prospect of seeing who Jun would become.
“I’m sometimes worried about him and his new best friend. They’re thick as thieves and sometimes remind me too much of us at their ages,” Kaito explained.
“Are you talking about Amasawa-kun?” Yagami asked.
“Yeah,” Kaito mumbled. He’d met Kento when he was over for a weekend at Yokohama; Kaito was on his way to Mikiko’s apartment, he found Kento and Jun loitering in front of the Sasaki arcade. They went on some long-winded explanation about classmates mentioning shady stuff happening at the arcade, so they were investigating. Kaito left them to it. “He seems like a good kid, I just don’t know if Yokohama is ready for a pair of delinquents running around causing trouble.”
Yagami laughed. Before he was in school to become a lawyer, he and Kaito were always wandering around Kamurocho sticking their noses where they didn’t belong. They messed with local business owners for laughs and sometimes had the cops chasing them if they caused too much of a ruckus. They never did anything illegal, but they were two bored teenagers with too much pent up energy constantly egging each other on.
“I don’t think they’ll be causing too much trouble. They’re with the MRC, they’ll just annoy people at most, and Sugiura would keep them on the straight and narrow if they got too into something,” Yagami explained.
“I guess you’re right. Jun idolizes Sugiura-kun, he’d definitely do anything he said,” Kaito agreed. He was getting wrapped up in a change of subject when he should’ve been apologizing. Kaito couldn’t help it; despite the fact that he and Jun weren’t always on the same page, they loved each other and Kaito just wanted the best for the teen. He couldn’t help but talk about him when the chance came up; he was so proud of Jun. “But… Tabou, really, I was a bad friend and partner. If everyone hadn’t left us at the carnival, we wouldn’t even be here right now. I’d still be telling myself it was okay to leave you because you’re a fucking genius detective and didn’t need me, so it was fine to focus on Mikiko and Jun.”
“And you weren’t even focused on them, either,” Yagami sipped his drink. Damn, when he had something to say, it stung. But Kaito had to learn to take it without being angry. Yagami was right. Jun tried so hard to talk about how he truly felt and had both of the main adults in his life shutting him down. And at least Mikiko seemed to get it and shift gears at a point; if Jun hadn’t sat them down to talk, Kaito would still think everything was fine. “You know just apologizing alone doesn’t make things better automatically. I think this is the third apology tonight?”
Kaito was laying it on thick. He just didn’t know how to relay how truly sorry he was for all that he did, and he didn’t know how to make it better or if it could even be made better. He could say he’d be better, but what if he got back into his bullshit and it wasn’t better?
He had a great life now, something he couldn’t see for himself over twenty five years ago when he had first joined in with the yakuza. His family life was shit, he felt like he finally belonged. Despite being kicked out of the Matsugane Family over four years ago, Kaito had Yagami to fall back on. He truly didn’t think it could be better, and then Mikiko came back into his life, and she brought with her the best teenager Kaito could ever hope to call family.
His biggest fear was losing it all. And it felt like doing what he thought was right and would keep things together actually made it worse.
Kaito threw his head in his hands. He felt a hand on his cheek, glanced up to see Yagami smiling at him.
“It’s okay to fuck up as long as you can learn,” Yagami said.
“I’m learning that I’m great at completely fucking up worse and worse,” Kaito replied. If everything he thought was a good idea ended up screwing up his life, Kaito wasn’t sure how he could ever be the perfect man.
Maybe there was no such thing as perfect. Maybe he was just chasing his own tail and getting so caught up in it all he couldn’t see the bigger picture.
“Maybe you should stop acting and think about what’s actually going on,” Yagami grinned, took another sip of his drink. He smiled, put his hand on top of Kaito’s fist. Yagami’s hands were always so warm. “You’re a good man, Kaito-san. I’m lucky to have the pleasure of working with you so much. But you don’t pay attention to those around you and instead you act off of what you think is happening rather than just taking in the world around you.”
It sounded about right. Kaito always just acted. He had thoughts and feelings on everything, but he never paid attention to the things he should have been. He remembered the happiness in Yagami’s eyes when he was introduced to Jun; Kaito was including Yagami in his family and the man was happy. And then Kaito left him. He didn’t slow down and think that maybe Yagami didn’t want to be alone either. He was a genius and could handle whatever was thrown at him, but it didn’t mean he was infallible. Kaito had been around for all of Yagami’s woes, knew how alone he felt through so many things, and he was one more person adding to it.
If there was anything Kaito used to pride himself on, it was always being there for his best friend.
Jun had gone through so much loss and trauma. And then he and Mikiko moved and everything was different; Jun felt like he couldn’t stand on any kind of solid ground when he needed it the most. And when he was trying to latch onto Kaito and tell him his struggles, Kaito felt like because the teen was in a safe environment, it was okay. He hadn’t even noticed how little Jun and Mikiko actually interacted in that time. It was small talk, sure, but it was different than how close they’d been recently.
They were each other's rocks.
It all just went past Kaito’s head. He was a detective, it was his job to notice things. It’s not something he was ever good at, nor did he ever try and get better. He was good at fighting, intimidating, and cracking jokes, but he didn’t try to move on from it. And he felt like it was showing in how much he had let those closest to him down.
He smiled at his partner. Yagami was so quiet and always paying attention; he read situations so well and could see between the lines. Kaito always thought it was because he went to school and had learned so much, but he was learning that it was just a skill that Yagami had honed for a long time. It likely helped when he first started working at Tender years ago; read customers and find out the best way to deal with them. Kaito was sure that being in school for law helped in some ways, but Yagami had always been good at reading situations. Sure, he used his experience to handle things, but he didn’t act like he knew what was best; he let things play out and handled things from there.
“Guess I’ve still got a lot to learn from the master himself,” Kaito admitted. He looked Yagami in the eye. He always knew Yagami was smarter and, in some ways, tougher than him. It was what drew Kaito to him in the first place; no matter how much Kaito kicked his ass, Yagami still came back wanting more.
When Kaito found out Yagami’s past, he put it upon himself to stick with the teen and help him out as he grew. Even if it was just to have someone to talk to or someone to watch over him, Kaito was determined it was going to be him. And maybe he felt like he’d gotten too attached; they had been together for so long, it just felt second nature to always be in Yagami’s business. Every time Kaito did things by himself, he felt like somehow it went bust if Yagami were leaving him be. He told himself Yagami was his good luck charm, but when he was able to help Jun and Mikiko by himself, he figured maybe he didn’t need that good luck anymore. Maybe he didn’t need to cling so hard and suffocate his partner. Maybe it would okay for Kaito to move on.
He didn’t really think that maybe Yagami still needed him too. Kaito had prided himself on being there for the younger man when he was down; when Yagami had gotten the news of Terasawa’s death and quit his job at Genda’s law office, the man kept to himself and had, shockingly, taken to drink. He still seemed like Yagami, but it was worrying when Kaito would visit and find the man’s apartment so devastated. Yagami spent most of his time frozen on his couch barely speaking. Sometimes he would just break down and it seemed like he would never stop screaming.
It felt like the one time Kaito could read the situation and act accordingly.
For a while, Yagami felt like he had nothing to contribute anymore. For so long he trusted his instincts, but his instincts told him Okubo was innocent and the man had, as far as everyone was concerned at the time, still gone ahead and killed Emi. Kaito convinced Yagami that just because he had made one error, it didn’t mean he was useless; everyone had their bad days, and he knew Yagami was worth way more and would figure it out.
And since Yagami had gotten back into the fray, it felt like he had discovered himself again.
When Kaito stepped away once Yagami returned from his case, he thought he’d be okay. Kaito could take time to focus on his family and Yagami would understand. But it was all crashing around him and Kaito was just so lost and felt so stupid that he had let everything fall and didn’t even realize it.
He was letting down the three people that meant the most to him. All because he thought he finally had it and didn’t want to seem so weak that he attached himself so tightly to his partner. They’d been together so long, Kaito had, in some ways, just dealt with the fact that they’d probably just have each other until they were old and gray.
Something about it didn’t sit right with him. And instead of talking to Yagami, he bounced. He always did when he didn’t want to delve into his feelings.
“Are you okay that I’m with Mikiko now?” Kaito asked. He didn’t feel like he needed Yagami’s permission to be with anybody, but it had always been the two of them for so long. Even when they butted heads, they got past it and were always in a good place.
“Kaito-san, what kind of question is that?” Yagami laughed, but Kaito could almost see the tension in the man’s face. It was subtle and most people didn’t notice the change because Yagami tried his best to hide his true feelings from most people. Kaito knew him too well by now though. “Of course I’m okay.”
“Tabou,” Kaito murmured. It was the nickname that Matsugane, Hamura, and Kaito all used for Yagami ever since he became family so many years ago. Even after so long, Kaito kept it; it had become habit, just as always keeping Yagami safe from harm had become. It was an urge Kaito had within him, and one that he felt would probably never leave him.
“It feels like you didn’t think of me at all once you stopped coming around. And I don’t mind; I know how much Mikiko always meant to you,” Yagami explained. He took a sip of his drink, looked down at his hands. He turned his gaze back to Kaito. “But after all this time, I hoped maybe I meant a lot to you too. I’m used to people leaving, but I never thought you’d be one of them.”
So he was just as attached to Kaito as the older man was to him. Kaito had taken their partnership for granted; they were always together and Kaito felt that it had become unhealthy and they’d be better off with a break. Even before Mikiko and Jun were in the picture, it was similar to when Kaito had sided with Kuwana, though his childish anger at Yagami getting to have coffee with Sawa helped guide it. But in the end they came back together and it was okay.
Kaito just thought it would be the same. And in a way it was; Yagami seemed happier lately and Kaito felt like he, Mikiko, and Jun were flourishing as a family even if they were apart. But he knew that something shifted between himself and Yagami and it almost felt like the younger man was leaving it to Kaito to figure it out.
Because he was still a good partner and knew it was something Kaito had to figure out to grow even if it meant Yagami would carry that hurt until it happened.
“I really let you down,” Kaito mumbled. He only thought of himself and what he wanted. He had introduced Yagami to Jun and then bailed; he might as well have just told Yagami he found a better place to be and left. He lied and told himself Yagami could handle it, and the sad part was that he didn’t even question his thought process; he just believed it and went on blindly living his life. “I used to pride myself on being the one guy who made you a priority, and I just became one more letdown.”
Yagami smiled, but there was sadness behind it. Yagami’s whole life was a letdown if Kaito really thought about it, but he got up anyway and gave back to the world rather than crash and let his sadness consume him. Yagami tried not to let his feelings show, but Kaito felt like the other man was purposely letting his guard down. For him.
“It always felt like it was us against the world. And I guess in a way it always has been,” Kaito said. “And I felt like it was always going to be that way; just us in that little office we’ve been sharing for years now. I guess I wanted more and didn’t know how to tell you, so when the opportunity struck, I took it and never shared any of it with you when you’ve always shared everything that mattered with me. I guess I felt uncomfortable with such a huge attachment and forced us apart instead of letting things fall in place.”
Kaito couldn’t even believe it was him saying it. It felt like a thoughtful insight into his feelings, something he never took the time to delve into. It was him looking at the action and reactions of the past few months and thinking on why it all happened.
It was the kind of smart thinking that made him so proud of Yagami every time he wrapped up a case.
“I guess I never thought it would change and didn’t know how to deal with it once you left,” Yagami stated. He smiled, gently took Kaito’s hand. Yagami was always warm and Kaito felt it just being around the man. It was one of the things that drew Kaito in. “I got too attached and it hurt when you left without even telling me you wanted time for yourself. I always thought we were closer than that.”
“We were,” Kaito said. It’s what made it so difficult; they were closer than Kaito just walking off, and the feeling was comforting but scary. Even when he was younger Kaito had never felt particularly close to anyone, he supposed it was the offshoot of having a drunk for a parent; he never felt comfortable enough to be close to anyone in case they ended up hurting him in the end. But being around Yagami just made something click. Like Kaito was safe and could be himself around him.
He felt similarly with Mikiko, but it had been too late once he realized it. And it’s why he felt like it was a miracle once she was back in his life. Kaito thought he shouldn’t be so close to Yagami anymore, so he left and didn’t think to look back.
“I think I felt way more about it than I was comfortable with,” he admitted.
“I did too,” Yagami murmured. “I was always comfortable, and I guess I thought you were okay with it too. I never thought about it until you were gone.”
Yagami let go of Kaito’s hand and they sat in silence. They would quietly drink their drinks and purposely try not to look at the other. Twenty years ago Kaito would have laughed and pulled Yagami into a hug, told him they were just a bunch of dorks with too much free time to think about things. But now it felt like they were at a big impasse even if it felt like this was a moment they had to get to.
Kaito finally found the courage to look at Yagami again. He was all grown up now; he had lines on his face and he always looked tired. His hair was always messy but it looked purposeful. He was no longer that skinny teenager always trying to beat on Kaito and failing miserably. Despite it all, Yagami was still a sight to behold. Kaito felt like no matter what he would love Yagami, but he wasn’t in love with him. Not anymore. That was a long time ago and something Kaito couldn’t grasp every time he caught himself staring and thinking for way too long. But a small part of him held onto the feeling because it was something he had just gotten used to even if he didn't necessarily feel the same way anymore.
“I guess we all get older,” Kaito shrugged. Yagami laughed, smiled at his partner.
“Do you believe that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” Yagami asked. It was Kaito’s turn to laugh. In the past the question would go over his head, but Kaito felt like he couldn’t just be so thick forever.
“I think you can if the dog has the will to learn,” he answered. Yagami finished his drink and got up. Kaito finished his drink as well, threw an arm around his partner once he had gotten up as well. “Am I a good dog, Tabou?”
“Woof,” they laughed and left the bar, Kaito giving Masuda a quick wave when they passed him by. They took a turn into a quiet little alleyway. Yagami got out of Kaito’s grasp and turned to face him. “You’re the best dog, Kaito-san.”
Kaito had to take a deep breath. He threw his arms around Yagami, smiled when he heard the slight gasp from the younger man before feeling Yagami’s arms wrap around him.
One day they wouldn’t be able to be this close anymore. But it felt like it was so far into the future that Kaito wouldn’t have to worry; they had this time now and they still had a lot of life to go through together. Even if they went their separate ways, they could never be too far apart and somehow, it felt like they’d always be together in some way.
Kaito could live with it. He wasn’t alone; Yagami felt their connection too and had made his peace with it. And Kaito felt like now that they had put it out there, he could make his peace too. He would do his best to be more present, not let his own ego get in the way of what was really happening. He felt like they had gotten it out in a way; all the feelings they'd held in for so much of their lives.
Maybe it would come up again. But for now, he hoped they could both begin let go of something that they'd both held on to for way too long. And maybe with all of their feelings out in the open, they could be better partners.
Kaito felt good about where they were now, and he hoped it could become even better.