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Siena opened the door and went outside, breathing in the fresh morning air. The smell of the damp earth after the night’s long rain calmed her mind and soothed her heart.
She had not slept much the previous night, but she still felt rested – almost as if a heavy burden had been lifted from her shoulders.
Then, something caught her eye – a bouquet of flowers, lying on the sidewalk, soaked by the rain.
Memories of last night washed over her, disrupting the calmness she had felt just a minute ago. She could still see Anthony, holding the flowers in his hand, with a confused look on his face as she had walked towards the door, telling him that she could not attend that ball with him – telling him that he had to let her go.
She knew it was over now. She had seen it in his eyes – pained eyes, with tears dwelling up. But nonetheless, there had been acceptance in his face. He had understood – for once, he had been able to understand her.
Perhaps, it was the knowledge that he would not show up on her doorstep again, that had calmed her. And she did feel content in knowing that it was over. And yet, her heart was still heavy. She did not understand how she could feel calm and burdened at the same time.
It still pained her remembering the misery on his face – but she reminded herself that it was misery he had caused by himself. If he had wanted to be with her, he should have never left her to begin with; should have never betrayed her trust.
Siena had to take care of herself. She had no one else to rely on. She could not blindly choose whatever she desired, but had to be careful and rational about the steps she took. It had always been that way, but he had never realized that. Anthony might have promised to provide for her, but he had never understood – had never truly understood her life.
For some strange reason, that was exactly why she had decided to return to him. She had been able to forgive him for his betrayal, because she had told herself that he had not truly realised what he had done to her – had told herself that he had changed and learned. And perhaps he had, but clearly not enough.
Of course, she could have simply declined his invitation to the ball. It had been foolish to accept it to begin with. But still, it had been a sweet idea – insane, but also sweet. She had spent all day yesterday dreaming about that evening – had imagined herself wearing a gorgeous gown, spending the entire night dancing with his arms wrapped around her. But this was not her reality, and it could never be her reality.
Of course, she knew the real reason why she had returned to him and had accepted his invitation. She might have told him that he needed to let her go, but she had needed to let go of him just as much. Perhaps, had he asked her months ago, she might have even gone through with it. She had trusted him back then. If her love and trust had been enough, she might have dared to risk the scandal and scrutiny.
But a lot had happened those past months. She could not rely on him anymore, even if she wanted to.
Yet there was no regret inside her heart. As angry and hurt as she felt, she could still not regret the time she had spent with him. It was almost laughable, and she did wish that she regretted it – simply because she did not understand why she could not feel regret right now.
Maybe, because she knew it was the end. Maybe, she was already reminiscing about the past, although she had just seen his face a couple hours ago. Maybe, because she did not miss him yet.
Perhaps in a few weeks or months or even years, she might miss him – might start to miss his touch and kisses and soft whispers; might miss his laughter and anecdotes and idiotic jokes; might even miss his recklessness and aloofness. But right now, she was glad that he was gone.
She did regret going back to him. She should have never done so. But maybe it had been necessary. Those past weeks, she had constantly been thinking about him – yearning for him. It might have happened one way or another. And they had only been together for a day. Any serious damage had been averted.
Siena’s eyes remained on the flowers, and for a short moment, she wondered what could have been – wondering, what might have happened had he never left her, or had she decided to attend that ball with him. Quickly, she pushed those thoughts aside. It did not matter. It was over now.
Siena did not know what the future might hold for her. She had always known that she would have to ensure that her future was safe. If she did not, there might simply be no future for her. And Anthony had shown her how easily everything could fall apart. No matter his words – no matter his apologies or promises – she knew that she could never trust him again.
It had been a good decision, she knew that. And she felt at peace, knowing she had taken the right path. Whatever the future had prepared for her, she knew that it did not include him. A few months ago, that might have been a painful thought. Now, it was a relieving one.